Title: Hope and Misery – (1/1)
Summary: Kurt knows that a lot times, a song is not just a song. It occurs to him how little he knows about his pseudo-mentor and friend. The inquisitive side of Kurt begins filling in the pieces.
Warnings: None. Completely speculation.
Disclaimer: I own nothing. All rights for the characters and the world go to their owners (like Ryan Murphy and FOX). I, in no way, believe – or would lead others to believe – that I own Glee. I am merely a fan of the television show, and I cannot seem to contain myself. I also do not own the song "Misery" and the rights belong to Maroon 5 and their company/agent/label/what have you. This is for personal enjoyment and the enjoyment of those curious enough to click on it.
Author's Note: I told myself I wouldn't write any back-story for Blaine as we just met him. However, the song played on Pandora and I couldn't stop myself from imagining Darren Criss playing it and the brilliant Kurt Hummel dissecting the words for some sort of deeper meaning. Written today. Might have mistakes. Point them out if there are any. All italic things in quotes are song lyrics, or more specifically, singing. Any without a tag are automatically Darren Criss/Blaine.
On Kurt's second surprise visit to Dalton Academy, the halls are still. No rushing bodies in and out to the senior commons. No tens of hundreds of voices blurring into a tycoon of perfectly poised teenage boys. Nothing but his footsteps shaking the ground as if he were an Earthbender. He wonders if he perhaps came during a class, or an evacuation drill, or some sort of alternate universe where invisible, silent elves roamed the halls. Where is everyone? And more apparently, where is Blaine?
His ears perk up when he does eventually hear something. He rounds the corner and pauses. Sitting center-stage (room, technically) is Blaine, guitar in his lap, fingers strumming out familiar chords. For a second, Kurt considers interrupting, but when the voice he hasn't been able to get out of his head begins singing, he surrenders to what his body wants.
Blaine's silky tenor sweeps into the room like a cool breeze. The intensity of his downward gaze awakens a part of Kurt, the inquisitive one. This is something different than he has encountered thus far with Blaine. The song itself holds no happy memories, no subtle suggestive sensuality to peak through and melt Kurt's heart. In fact, it's more likely to break it, even if the words are not aimed at him.
"So scared of breaking it that you won't let it bend. And I wrote two hundred letters I will never send. Sometimes, these cuts are so much deeper than they seem. You'd rather cover up; I'd rather let them be."
Kurt knows that a lot times, a song is not just a song. It occurs to him how little he knows about his pseudo-mentor and friend. Blaine ran away from his bullies, but what exactly did they do? How many relationships has Blaine had? How did they end?
Obviously not too well, if the soul-drenched words have anything to do with it. What if, possibly, the song is a metaphor for what drove Blaine to Dalton in the first place? The inquisitive side of Kurt begins filling in the pieces.
Before he came out, Blaine was in some sort of relationship. He didn't want to push it because the other guy wasn't ready for anything. He tried in so many ways to tell the guy how he felt and what he wanted, but he couldn't find the right way to do it. The guy didn't realize how much the secrecy was eating at Blaine. Guy wanted to look perfect to the world, while Blaine just wanted to look the way he really was with the guy he liked.
"So let me be, and I'll set you free. Oh, I am in misery. There ain't nobody who can comfort me, oh yeah. Why won't you answer me? The silence is slowly killing me. Boy, you really got me bad. You really got me bad. Now, I'm gonna get you back. I'm gonna get you back."
From there, Blaine gave an ultimatum: 'either let me be myself with you, or don't be with me at all.' When Guy didn't respond, Blaine came out, in a final attempt at selling home the point that things could be okay. But people turned on him. No one was there to help him through the time. People un-friended him on Facebook and didn't reply to his comments, wall posts, or chat. When he talked to Guy, Guy told him he was stupid for doing that and that he, Guy, wasn't about to be dragged down with Blaine. Blaine vowed then to get back his old life and his old boyfriend.
"Your salty skin and how it mixes in with mine. The way it feels to be completely intertwined. It's not that I didn't care; it's that I didn't know. It's not what I didn't feel; it's what I didn't show."
Weakness. Blaine didn't show all of that pain and rage inside of him. He played the part of the hotshot guy even when everyone seemed to despise him. It's where he got his strength. But, sometimes, he would think back to how it used to be before he told everyone and he could just be with his swimmer boyfriend who always tasted a bit like chlorine. He never knew how bad it would be to come out and he didn't care, until he was doing it alone.
"So let me be, and I'll set you free. I am in misery. And there ain't nobody who can comfort me, oh yeah. Boy, you really got me bad. You really got me bad. And now I'm gonna get you back. I'm gonna get you back."
Everything in Blaine's life went in a cycle. Some sort of demented and endless loop of pain and solitary imprisonment. He was trapped in the place that used to be his kingdom, a dethroned prince locked away in the dungeon for the peasants to laugh at. All of his one-word motivational speeches meant nothing. He just sat there and tried to free himself. Tried to regain control. Tried anything.
The present Blaine's voice shifts slightly as his strumming calms in exchange for light taps to the guitar. The effect transports Kurt even more to the time he is imagining. It's like every hit to the wood is another step away from the world Blaine used to be a part of. Footsteps in the wrong direction.
"You say your faith is shaken, and you may be mistaken. You keep me wide awake and waiting for the sun. I'm desperate and confused, so far away from you. I'm getting there, I don't care where I have to roam."
With each day, Blaine lost more of himself in his attempts to stay in his hometown. He would look to anyone who had a scrap of kindness as the answer, but they didn't have it for him. He slowly started looking to himself. He didn't need Guy. He only needed to find wherever and whatever made him happy.
"Why do you do what you do to me, yeah?"
Maybe he tried one last time to get Guy to join him.
"Why won't you answer me, answer me, yeah?"
Maybe Guy just ignored him.
"Why do you do what you do to me, yeah?"
Maybe Blaine got angry.
"Why won't you answer me, answer me?"
Then, he just snapped. Lost control. Couldn't take it. Ran all the way to Dalton and made a new life for himself. But, even that hurt and took time to fix and mold into what he needed.
"I am in misery. And there ain't nobody who can comfort me, oh yeah. Why won't you answer me? The silence is slowly killing me, oh yeah. Boy, you really got me bad. You really got me bad. And now I'm gonna get you back. I'm gonna get you back."
Real Blaine goes on, repeating again and again the last few lines. Kurt stands in the doorway, looking on. The story makes sense, the one he has created in his mind. If Blaine's real back-story is anything like that, he should let it out. Kurt figures, courage could also mean stepping in for people who just need to be heard.
"What was his name?" Kurt asks.
Blaine doesn't even look at him. His eyes are still in that place far away.
Kurt doesn't really remember when he sits down, or how the ground feels, or much of anything beyond the way Blaine's voice wavers as details are shared. Sadly, Kurt's imagination falls perfectly in line with Blaine's past.
"It sounds stupid when I say it out loud. Even in my ears, it sounds like I ran away from nothing. But then I think back and it doesn't feel that way. No one spoke to me. They mocked me. They would go silent when I walked into rooms. It got to the point where I heard laughter and just knew they were saying something about me. Then, the names started. Then, the Facebook groups claiming all this stuff about me. Then, I started getting in trouble for stuff I didn't do, stuff everyone just said I did because then it meant they just might have a reason to get rid of me. Still, no one wanted to be around me. Everyone, even the adults, acted like I had some sort of disease."
Kurt doesn't realize he's talking until he hears his voice, asking, "Did you ever…." Even subconsciously he can't complete the thought. It's hard to imagine Blaine hurting himself.
Blaine shakes his had. He understands the question and answers it, "Not physically. I was pretty harsh on myself for a while. I still am sometimes. Even after I got here, I just felt so stupid. I was an idiot, a dumb ass, a freak, and even I didn't want to know me. I thought about suicide once or twice, but I knew I couldn't do it. Oddly enough, that made me feel even worse."
Hearing Blaine bare his soul makes Kurt wonder how he got from there to where he is today. Did a change of scenery really change the self-deprecating boy into the world-helping one who sends out random cutesy text messages?
"Why courage?" Kurt blurts, following his own train of thought. "Out of all of the words you could have sent to me, with everything that you went through, why courage?"
Blaine almost chuckles in this weird sort of sigh that makes his lips twitch upward for the smallest second.
He explains, "Because bravery can look like stupidity in someone else's eyes, and strength fades away at the absolute worse times, but courage is something that can always be found within you. Courage doesn't require anyone else. It's what allows you to face difficulty, pain, fear, and danger. Courage gets me through the day because no one can take that away from me. Or from you, Kurt."
It's Kurt's second surprise visit to Dalton Academy. The halls are still. The other students are basically nonexistent. Kurt moves forward. Carpeted ground scratches at his palm, reminding him what it's like to feel something other than this burning intensity within him. Every call in his body cools. It only means he has to do something to kick everything back to life. Somewhere in his mind, it registers that Blaine is on the ground as well. He can't remember when the other boy moved. He does recall, though, a ghosting of a comment:
'One day, when you're ready, you'll realize that everything is how it should be. When you're ready, you'll have that moment.'
Kurt is ready now.
His voice shakes. "What's the opposite of misery?"
Blaine answers, "Pleasure."
Needing nothing more, Kurt goes in. Their lips brush softly. Eyes barely have time to flutter before small waves of creamy skin cover the blue crystals. Again, lips caress. Longer this time. Every cell in both of their bodies speeds up as blood pumps faster and hearts grind into motion.
Kurt breathes and words slide off his tongue like raindrops on the sliding pane of Blaine's soul. He whispers, "Here's to the opposite." He catches Blaine's gaze and adds, "This friendship – relationship, whatever – isn't a one-way street. I'm here to listen just as much as talk."
"Good because I have got plenty to say," Blaine says, "Starting with this."
His lips graze Kurt's.
"But you didn't-" Blaine cuts Kurt off before the other boy can draw them back into a serious conversation.
"Read between the lips, Kurt."
Kurt leans back slightly, eyes raking over the soft flesh now barely out of reach.
"They say, 'hope.'"
Blue eyes meet.
Blaine mentions, "Hope is easily taken away."
"Only if you let it be," Kurt says, and in those words is a promise.
Blaine hesitates. The newly visible cracks in his shining armor stretch to their breaking point before settling back down.
"Hope it is then."
Later on, they will cut the letters out of a Dalton library magazine. For now, they seal it with a kiss
End Author's Note: Please review.