Title: Ruins of a Broken Heart
Spoilers: End of season 1
Rating: T (for some themes)
Thanks to: Tania for the support and pressure to finish it
Disclaimer: It's the first fanfiction I wrote after a year of pause and also my first St. Berry fanfiction. I hope you all enjoy this piece and please bear with me in the beginning, I assure you it's worth in the end! Enjoy it and don't forget to leave a review. Thanks in advance.
Her back was pressed against the soft pink cushion of her bed by the heavy weight of the boy currently kissing her neck. His lips traveled up from her collar bone to her ear in a monotonous fashion, a slow and dull pace that made her mind wonder to other scenarios where she was in the same position.
She found herself missing the tingling sensations that a simple kiss from the other's mouth caused, how it would ignite a fire that burned all over her body. She missed how skilful he was with his lips and hands, making her feel wanted and secure but at the same time losing herself forever in a sea of passion with only him as her guidance. She missed how his curls would wrap softly around her fingertips as he kissed his favorite spot below her ear and how a sudden bite of his teeth had her gasping and moaning for more.
She felt a bite in her shoulder and her body reacted unconsciously.
"Jesse…" She moaned, eyes closed and hands wrapping around short brown hair. The sensations were wrong, the weight was too heavy on her and the lips were not skilful and trained on her body, there were no curls around her fingers and no blue eyes staring down at her adoringly. In a heartbeat all movement stopped. Her eyes widened at the sudden realization and fear held her immobile. She felt her heart beat faster. It was a deafening sound against her chest and ears, the only sound she could hear in the stillness of her bedroom.
A pair of brown eyes appeared in her line of sight, his face was a mixture of confusion and shock.
"What did you say, Rachel?" He asked.
A million excuses flashed in her mind at the speed of light, a million scenarios where she would apologize deeply and the small misunderstanding would be forgotten. But none happened. Her mouth moved but no sound came out. For a brief moment her mind wondered if the lack of words was related with her shock towards the situation or simple her lack of desire to apologize again.
"Never mind, I heard it. What the hell, Rachel? This is not the first time it happened, where's your mind, with me or with him?" He yelled as his face turned an angry shade of red. He lifted his body unceremoniously away from her and went to seat at the foot of her bed.
There was only silence as she composed her sweater and skirt, providing a false sense of self-control when there was none. She sat up and pushed her legs against her chest, hugging them in the process. Her chin rested on the top of her knees as her eyes looked expectantly at the boy seating silently far away from her. It was true; it was not the first time it happened. On cue, her mind provided an almost endless roll of situations where the same mistake was made. How could she be so naïve and get herself caught in another moment so different from reality? It had happened too many times and yet she brushed them all aside because she had what she always wanted, and she wouldn't jeopardize it just to please her over active mind. But after one too many mistakes, she could no longer ignore the disappointment when she called for him just to be greeted by the features of her current boyfriend. It was slowly driving her insane and right now she didn't have the strength to avoid it.
"We're over." He said with his characteristic simplicity, looking at her with a serenity she felt strange and unsettling.
A sigh escaped her lips and her eyes closed for a while. She was a lost cause. She had let herself sink deep in the sweet lies she told her heart over the past months. There was a neatly knit web of comfortable and safe feelings she had wrapped herself around, feeling that would hopefully shield her from the harsh reality of shattered hearts and beautiful singing boys. She never would have thought she was her own worst enemy.
"I know." It was all she could answer in a soft whisper. 'We were over a long time ago.'
She heard his footsteps in the distance and with a harsh sound of a closing door she knew it was over. A strange calm fell over her, her mind finally at ease. Her heart wasn't broken because it had never been healed in the first place. Her eyes were dry and there were no urges to run after him. Her eyes traveled around the quiet room, the small space brought memories too overwhelming to bear. She threw her pink scarf and a heavy jacket around her and stepped out of her house.
The bitter winter cold suddenly hit her face and caused a shiver to run up her body. The streets were nearly empty and she found herself walking without destination, her feet simply carrying her around in the dark night. After what seemed to be hours, her feet came to a stop and, as she looked to the sign above, a mirthless laugh came out. She had escaped her room trying to avoid the crushing feeling of what could never be and ended up in a place where it all begun.
Her hands pushed the door open and she entered the space she knew all too well. Her eyes scanned the room around; there was a small crowd of people coming and going, busying themselves with their lives without noticing her presence.
As she sat in front of the black piano a new kind of sadness invaded her heart. She thought of what had happened long ago, all the feelings this same spot had brought in her, only in that moment she was not alone and looking pensively at the monochromatic keys. All those beautiful memories carried with them the painful ones, songs she would never want to listen again in her life, yellow spots in her favorite dark jeans and blue eyes that spoke volumes and were so different from the other set of brown ones. Rage suddenly cursed in her veins. She could not let herself fall again; it had hurt too much in the first place.
She heard steps around her and a small commotion but her eyes were locked in the keys and her heart was busy with loathe and anger for what her life had become. Finally she let the tears run loosely down her face, tears that had nothing to do with her break up, but ones that she thought would carry longing and loneliness for the rest of her life.
"You can stare at it as long as you want, but the keys won't play themselves." A soft voice spoke over her shoulder.
She knew that voice, that impeccable soft timbre that so many times had lulled her. For the second time that night she found her body go rigid and her heart expanding against her ribcage, beating like a drum to its own pace.
He sat beside her on the piano bench and lightly stroked a key, producing a note that rang infinitely between them. She refused to look up, to look into the face of the boy who had her there in the first place, the boy who made all the anger she felt inside higher and at the same time unimportant in his presence. Her hand came up to clean her cheeks and, as her face turned away from him, her dark hair fell like a curtain, blocking her face from his eyes.
He had seen her as soon as she entered through the door, cheeks adorned with a pink flush from the cold and looking as beautiful as he remembered. At first he moved away, not wanting to be seen by her, but a single look into her lost eyes pushed him in her direction like a magnet. Even though he knew the pain he had caused, he was still driven towards her to take it all away. So he approached her once she sat in front of the piano, wondering if it was by chance or if a deep part of her still longed for him. Watching her looking at the keys, lost in her own world, he felt the urge to wrap his arms around her and whisper in her ear that everything would be fine, like he had done so many times before. But they were no longer living a forged fairytale and he reminded himself that he might be the true cause of her tears right now. He approached her with a simple comment, intending to start light conversation, but was received with silence. A small sigh from her and his hand ran through his curls in desperation. He had to do something, to apologize for being an idiot, to comfort her. But he was Jesse St. James and his own emotions were so difficult to express with words, they frightened him. Another sigh.
"What's wrong?" He asked tentatively.
"Rachel, you can't give me the silent treatment." He said desperately, wanting nothing more than to hear her speak to him again, even if it was to throw in his face all his wrong doings.
At his words her head snapped in his direction, a furious look all over her face. "I will treat you however I please!"
A wide grin formed in his lips at her response, and even though it was a harsh response, he was thrilled she was finally speaking to him.
She finally looked at him, taking his presence in. His hair was shorter than the last time she had seen him, his clothes were still dark and even though his eyes shone with the usual cockiness, he seemed tired. "What are you smiling at?" She asked.
"You're finally talking to me. I think that's enough to make me smile." He had intended for it to sound humorous but it came out with an amount of sincerity that shocked them both.
Her eyes widened in response, his words hit her full force in the heart and she had to fight the urge to sigh in contentment. She turned her eyes to the keys again and spoke softly. "What are you doing here?"
"I'm on Christmas vacations and I like this music store. It brings back good memories. What about you?" There it was again, honesty carelessly leaving his lips without a conscious thought behind it. It felt like he was unable to tone his answers down in her presence, and it was painful evident that she deserved nothing but sincerity from his part.
Hearing him speak so effortlessly about the moments she cherished so dearly made her head spin in a confusion of emotions, but only anger surfaced as she turned to look at him again.
"Why do you care now? You walked all over my heart and didn't care about the consequences. I gave you a fair warning and you chose to ignore it. You chose to break me." The words left her mouth in a rapid rampage of fury and received few inquisitive looks from the people around.
Taken aback, he opened his mouth to speak again and hoped that what he had to say wouldn't sound pathetic and unrealistic. "I'm so…"
"What?" She interrupted him. "You're sorry? You're a few months too late, Jesse." His name upon her lips felt different now, like a soothing balm that made her anger subside and tiredness invade her. "This is your entire fault. You ruined me." She whispered.
"What?" He asked incredulously, not fully grasping her meaning. He knew she was a strong woman and as far as he knew she had recovered quickly from his devastating passage in her life and found happiness in the arms of another.
She sighed tiredly and looked deeply into his eyes, she was not sure what made her blurt out her feelings so openly to the boy who had once held her heart and crushed it into a million pieces, but something in his eyes made her defenses fall and she found herself completely bare of arguments against him.
"You ruined me for other people. I can't go to the places where we used to go without remembering what you told me in those particular moments, I can't listen to Hello without hearing your voice singing it to me, I can't watch Friday night movies without wanting you to be curled under the blanket with me. I can't sing the songs we used to sing together anymore…" She sighed and closed her eyes. "I can't make out with any boy without wishing it was your lips kissing me, your hands roaming over my body, your weight above me, your hair in my hands. I can't be with anyone else without saying your name." And as soon those last words left her mouth everything stood still. Her hands came up to cover her mouth and she heard a long intake of breath from his part.
He stood there looking at her and a resolve built inside of him as the words he longed to hear for so long escaped her mouth. "Well, I certainly won't apologize for that." He softly said.
"What? Jesse St. James I demand that you take back what you said. If anything else, I deserve a request for forgiveness and if you are not willing to extend me that courtesy I definitely won't stand here and…" Her tirade was silenced by his fingers on her lips. The feeling of his skilful fingers on top of her lips sent shivers down her spine, and in that moment she could see she was not the only one affected by it. Both of them stood captured in that moment, his eyes looking straight into her soul. They were so close that she felt his rapid breathing softly fanning her face.
"I'm not sorry because you've done the same to me." He spoke as he removed his fingers from her lips and captured one of her hands with his, entwining his fingers with her reluctant ones. "I can't sing a song without thinking how beautifully our voices would sound in a duet. I can't sleep without thinking what you are doing or thinking. I can't listen to your favorite songs without imagining you singing them. I can't be with anyone else without comparing them to you. I can't think of performing without you, but specially… I can't think about my future without you in it."
After her display of sincerity, he had finally let himself go and brought to the light all the feelings he had been bottling since he left, all the worries that kept him tossing and turning at night, all the agony of finding himself in an unfulfilling life. He owed her this much, he owed her the person he had become, no longer a soulless automaton but a living breathing entity with a heart that belonged to her. When there was only silence from her part he decided to go on, even though that unburying painful memories would hurt them both.
"What I am really sorry for, is to have been a selfish idiot that cared too much about himself than everyone else, and wasn't prepared for you. When you came into my life it was by pure chance, right here in this spot, and until then I had all my life planned, I would become a star and nothing would be in the way of my success. But then you came along, sharing my passions with your beautiful voice and kindness. You opened yourself to me in such a way that made me want to do the same. Then it got so complicated, so many people and issues involved…"
"Why did you do it?" She asked and her voice trembled.
A simple look into her broken eyes and he knew exactly what she was referring too. "I was scared. I had to push you away in order to keep up with my original plan, but it was so hard. I never intended to harm you. Believe me." He pleaded while squeezing her hand.
"It is so hard to believe, Jesse. I want to, but after everything that happened I don't know if I can trust you again." Her voice was soft, filled with all the hurt he had caused and yet, there was a part of her that wanted nothing more than to fall into his soft spoken words and believe every single one of them. All she wanted was to be wrapped in his arms and be told that everything would be alright again in her world, she wished he could mend her again. But she held her head high and her feelings in check, wanting to know his next move.
"I understand." He said as her words filled him with heavy sadness. "I know I can't take back what I've done, but I've learned my lesson. My heart also broke in that moment, Rachel. And right now, I want nothing more than to make it up to you, because we're standing here again with a chance to define our futures."
She pondered his words. The way he spoke them, so naturally, was tempting and lured the part of her that wanted and needed him desperately with a force she had never wanted anything else in her live, not even stardom. And by the way he was pleading with her it seemed he felt the need for her just as strongly.
"I'm opening my heart, Rachel. Now it's up to you." He pleaded once more.
How could she refuse him? Granted that for a long time she thought she wanted something that in the end proven to be not what she needed. She needed someone to share her dreams, to understand her worries and fears. Someone that knew exactly what she would go through, that would understand her without spoken words. Someone she truly loved. Her resolve was made and even though there was a distressing fear of another rejection, she knew she wanted him in her life regardless of what the future brought.
Carefully she removed her hand from him, enveloped him in her small arms and rested her head in his chest. She felt the shock at her unexpected action running through his body, but it didn't take long for him to wrap his own arms around her and hold her tightly against him with a relieved sigh. Her eyes closed and she let herself enjoy the sensation of being secure in his arms again. She felt him press a kiss against her forehead, and although both wanted to stay wrapped in each other for as long as they could, an endless list of issues was still waiting to be addressed.
"What do we do now?" She whispered against his chest.
He pushed her slightly away from him in order to look straight in her face. Her eyes were hopeful and no longer held crushed emotions. Those doe eyes he loved so much were now smiling at him with hope. He smiled back at her in what he hoped to be a reassuring way and captured her lips with his. She sighed in the kiss, finally able to express all her previously repressed desires. The kiss grew in passion and wanting and neither of them could care about the surrounding people, they were already lost in a world that only belonged to them.
He brushed his lips against her for a few more times before pulling away, both left breathing hard but content. "I think we can figure it out as we go." He answered her question. "Meanwhile…"
His hands found the piano keys and slid along them producing an inviting accord for her to sing along. Their life would always be like that, he would play the harmonies and she would follow him with her voice. She smiled brightly at him and let herself go with the melody he was playing with his fingers. In that moment, she couldn't help but realize that even though they were hopelessly ruined, they were still the missing pieces of each other.
Thoughts? Leave some reviews, I would really appreciate feedback on my first St. Berry story!