A/N: Well I hope that you all enjoy my first fanfic. Many thanks to abbymickey24 & stephlite for looking over this for me. (5/16/11) I have recently made a few additions and revisions. IansCutie you rock my socks bebe.
All things Twilight are the property and ownership of S. Meyers. I make no money from my obsession.
Chapter 1: Heartbreak
I, Bella Swan, am in love with a man that should not even exist. I am captivated by his smirk, his shining topaz eyes, and the velvet stroke of his voice. Edward…my Edward.
He and his family have a secret that I shall keep with me forever. I hope that one day soon it will be my secret as well. They are all vampires. I was shocked when my brain pieced it all together. Well, also with the help of Jacob, but even he didn't believe when he told me. Still, all the Quileute stories shone light on the mystery that was the Cullen family. Cold to the touch, their speed, their alluring beauty, the stillness. I just did not care.
From the day Edward saved me, I was pulled into him. Wanting him to devour me, even after figuring out what he was. I wanted him and loved that he wanted me the same way. He continues to save me. It was now my chance to prove that I was not weak. For once, I will save all of them.
Or so I thought.
James ruined everything. He was a rouge vampire that happened upon us while playing baseball. It was a day with family to enjoy a simple American pastime. It was now marred by the events that took place after that day. I should not have been there. It would have save us all so much grief. Edward whisked me away in order to save me from James, who just didn't understand I wasn't to be touched…or thought about.
"The hunt is his obsession. He's never gonna stop!" Edward had said through gritted teeth.
How right he was. We had to split up, trying to confuse James and his gift. He was a tracker, having the ability the hunt down any person he comes in contact with. To my utter dismay, he was now on a mission to drain me dry. I went with Alice and Jasper to Phoenix to keep my cover with Charlie. I'll never forgive myself for the pain I caused my father. I think had all this not happened, we would have gotten closer, made up for all those years we were apart.
That brings us to now. Here I was, lying in my blood and being tortured by James. Why is that Bella? Well, I wanted to be the martyr. I loved Edward enough that I would give my life for him, or anyone else I loved for that matter. James had tricked me into believing my mother was at my old Ballet studio. I was sadly mistaken. However, I tried to stay strong and say that I would not give in. He can drain me, but I will not give in to him. Edward will be saved; he will heal from my death. All will be fine. A sense of peace and dread washed over me as Edward crashed into the studio.
"Edward, no! Don't!" I screamed as James taunted him.
I didn't want Edward to come seeking revenge. I just wanted to die so that they could be safe. James perched himself over my broken form and took my hand into his cold, deadened touch. Edward watched him and growled fiercely. I thought I was already in pain from James' torture, but then he bit me. It hurt so much. I choked and ground my teeth from the pain. This only enraged Edward more as he crouched and then jumped into James. I could see the blurs whipping back and forth. They fought and growled, tossing each other around the studio. Then I made a fatal mistake. I distracted Edward. My screams from the burn could not be held back.
"Bella!" Edward yelled, turning to look at my pained state.
He attempted to leave his fight with James to come to me. James, however, took that opportunity to end this. I watched as he bit into Edward's neck with all his might. I watched as he ripped my love's head from his shoulders and sneer at me as he ripped apart the remaining pieces.
"Sorry Bella. There's no rescue coming for you," James spoke as he kicked Edward's pieces together.
James' smile was twisted and widened as he continued to pile them all together. He pulled a lighter from his pocket and dropped it unceremoniously on the pieces.
"Oops. I'm all butterfingers today. Now, where were we? He laughed and walked back over towards my thrashing form.
I screamed even louder from the pain, all of the pain. I had now lost Edward and I now I would succumb to this creature. Then there was the fire that my brain was now cluing in as to what was happening. I was changing, but I hoped he wouldn't allow it. There was no forever without my Edward.
My heart was breaking. My eyes transfixed on the flames where Edward was now becoming ash. I paid no attention as James was just about next to me. Let him do his worse. Right before he touched me, James went flying across the room into adjacent mirrors. Standing there in front of him crouched was Emmett and Jasper. They were snarling and growling and swiftly attacked James. They made quick work of him and tossed the pieces into the growing fire.
"Bella…Bella where is Edward." Carlisle asked impatiently.
My mind really couldn't care to answer. I was already loosing it to the pain. Yet, I pondered how unlike Carlisle to be so demanding. Did he not see the flames? He turned to Alice's weeping frame. She was just staring into the fire and shaking with sobs.
"Edward….my brother," she said as she dropped to the floor.
Carlisle turned back to me, taking in a shaking breath. I was still thrashing, feeling the venom burn through me. It felt so slow, so agonizing.
"Bella, it's okay. We are family and we will not leave you. This is going to hurt, but I need to get more venom into your system. I'm so sorry Bella," he whispered his final words and sunk his teeth in my neck.
I imagined his bite would have been worse if the venom already flowing in me was not already raging. More venom though, meant more fire. I felt the fire consume me more as he bit into my wrists and other places following. I screamed to die. I didn't want this without Edward. My only comfort was that at least the venom that created my love was now flowing through me. I hoped it would smother what parts of James flowed through me. I felt dirty, alone, empty. Edward was gone and I wanted to forget. So I focused on the burning and let it consume my mind. I let it eat away every memory, purging my heartache.
Thump…. Thump….. thump. I knew that sound, but it sounded even louder now. I heard two shorter, weak beats of my heart and then there was nothing. Was that my heart? Did I just die! Don't panic…ummmm, you...I mean me. It was bad when you couldn't even remember your own name.
I heard whispering, a tinkling voice, and it brought no one to memory. I scanned that room to see where I was. I didn't recognize it. Was this home?
"She's fuzzy. I can't see her," the tinkling voice said.
Female. It was a woman for sure. Another voice joined in with her.
"What do you mean Alice?" A deep voice said.
Who's Alice? Who's that other voice? At that moment, my other senses began to pick up and I closed my eyes to try and calm myself. I could hear that someone was walking below me, up some steps. There was a bird outside building a nest. I could actually hear the sway of the trees. My nose then went into overload and I could smell butterscotch and cherry wood. The scent of lilies and what I thought were sugar cookies followed behind the previous scent. I opened my eyes to see a blonde haired man with an impeccable face. He was very handsome and had a very familiar face. Still, I couldn't remember him. I was getting scared. As swiftly as I thought it, I was in the corner of this room and hissing at the pale pair. Hissing? Really?
"Isabella. It's me, Carlisle. I will not harm you," the man said to me.
I wanted to remember him, but I couldn't. I couldn't even remember this Isabella. I was getting even more scared. My eyes flashed to the woman with him. She had a warm smile and caramel colored hair. She made me want to crawl in her lap and never leave.
"Sweetie, I am Esme. Do you remember me?" she asked hopeful, but I only felt the familiarity.
She tried to move closer, but I growled at her. Better senses, hissing, and now growling. What was happening to me?
"Stay back… I don't want you to come closer," I hissed.
I needed to leave and quickly. My panic was practically strangling me. More people moved into the room and I started to feel closed in, cramped. My chest hurt where my beating heart should be pumping, but it didn't.
"She is panicking. Everyone clear out the room," said another blonde haired man.
He was freaking me out with all those damn scars on his arms and face. WHAT THE HELL WAS GOING ON? I felt a calm wash over me and a little pixie of a girl came closer to me.
"Bella… Can I come closer?" She asked, but didn't wait for a response.
I growled at her in warning. This caused the scarred man to step in front of her. Then I heard someone else coming up the steps. Their steps were heavier. I couldn't take another person in the room. Just as I was about to burst through them, I smelled something really tasty. My hands flew to my throat and it burned. I was so thirsty.
A large man with the biggest dimples I had ever seen walked in the room. I wanted to growl at him, but that smell again had my brain in a tizzy. I saw that he was holding a thermos. He made his way further into the room and I gripped my hair and throat. I was so frustrated. No more, just no more. I can't take it.
"Belly, I know you're scared right now. Why don't you drink this and we'll answer all your questions. Okay? It's my favorite, a yogi snack," he said softly.
He slid the thermos my way and I growled lowly at him, but not as much as I did with the others. He brought me something tasty. I couldn't be all mad at him. Plus he was quiet and kept his distance.
I finished the cup and he smiled at me. I wanted to smile back, but it was still all too much. I opted on nodding. What he told me next astonished me. He told me what he and the others are and apparently what I am. The little pixie warned him not say too much and I was curious of this request. Apparently, it wouldn't end too well if he did. I could hear a ton of huffing from downstairs. Who else was there? It didn't sound like the Esme woman. The downstairs huffer was not too pleased that I was here
Everyday continued the same. I stayed in my corner of the room, afraid to move. I didn't have the will to move or the confidence to do so. What if they decided to kill me? Esme said she loves me like I am her own, but there are so many of them. I discovered the annoying "Huffer" to be Rosalie. She was constantly making snide comments. Emmett, as I have learned, was the big guy who brought me my "yogi snack". Emmett and Rosalie are married. Unfortunately, she wore the pants in that marriage. She surely had Emmett by the balls. He never looked happy about it either. Everyone else walked on eggshells around me, but not Emmett. He tries to cheer me up almost every day. However, I felt like I am hurting and broken. From what, I don't know. I heard Esme once talking to Carlisle about how she missed "him". Who that person was, I don't know. She was talking about the turnout at the memorial service they had for him. Alice, the pixie, sighed about how she couldn't stand some girl named Jessica Stanley crying over her brother. Her brother… Did I know him? From what I could gather, he died when I was changed.
"Well our brother would be here if it wasn't for the newborn we're babysitting." Rosalie stated with as much venom she could muster.
Everyone shushed her and I could only conclude that it was true. Was I responsible for killing someone? Was I involved in killing their brother, Esme's son that she misses so? After that, I just holed up even more. I didn't want to be this monster.
Time moved on slowly. It had been 6 months since I "died". I noticed white flakes falling outside my window. I had learned that the family had moved to Alaska during my change. They used the death of their son and brother as the reason for a quick exit. Also, it was not good for me to be around humans. They were far tastier than animal blood. I hadn't gone out on my own to hunt. Emmett was still in charge of my feedings and he was rather dedicated to the task. I was still in my funk though and did not take it when he brought it. I wouldn't drink it till he left. And let me tell you, cold blood sucks.
I heard laughter coming from outside. It was so inviting. It was then I realized I couldn't just sit here and sulk forever. Maybe if I just avoided Rosabitch, I would be okay. I stood up from my corner and walked over to the window. Outside was Jasper, the scarred one, his wife the pixie - Alice, and Emmett. Alice noticed me and waved. I smiled down at her and noticed Emmett waving like an idiot. He should have been paying attention to Jasper. He threw a snowball right at Emmett's head. I couldn't help but to giggle. Jasper bowed to me with a smile placed upon his face. I returned his smile and shook my head at the mayhem that was about to begin.
I began to walk around the room and noticed myself in the mirror. I was…beautiful. My eyes were a dull orange with a wide ring of red around the edges. Carlisle told me it was the last remnants of the human in me. What color were they before? I sometimes imagined they were green.
I made my way around the room and came upon the hugest selection of CD's. Either these weren't mine or I liked a lot of classical. I didn't seem so…stuffy. I shrugged and continued on my exploration. I came upon a bookcase filled to the brim with books, new and old. One of which seemed far more tattered than the others, Wuthering Heights. I was putting the book down on the shelf when I noticed an odd page in between. I pulled open the book and noticed there was a picture being used as a bookmark. It was the most beautiful man I had ever seen. I could tell he was a vampire and I was entranced. I heard Alice and the boys come through downstairs, but I could not care too much as I felt something tugging on my mind. Clarity felt like it was only a string pull away.
"Ahhh… Well, it's getting clear. Bella is not so fuzzy…Oh shit! Bella!" Alice screeching.
It was like her words were a gunshot and my memories begun to run a mad dash. His name flowed to my mind and then my lips.
And remember I did: leaving Phoenix, coming to Forks, meeting the Cullens, being saved by Edward, his admission of what he is, his love for me and my love for him.
"No… No…," I whispered as I remembered all ended.
It was my fault. I fucked up. I did kill their brother. I did kill her son. I could feel them around me, my family. They were his family really. I did not deserve them for what I did. I knew it was Alice that got the closest to me.
"Bella sweetie….it's okay we're here. We still love you. It's not your fault," her voice soothed.
I backed away from her. Lies. It was…it was my fault. I began to get choked up and was in between sobs and disbelief. Emmett tried to move closer, but I put my hands up to stop his progression.
"Bells…Belly…are you okay?" He said worriedly.
I looked up at him. Concern was etched in his face and I didn't want that for him. Everyone in room had a similar face of worry and concern, except Rosalie. Figured. I started to breathe heavily and panicking seemed like the thing to do. I wanted Edward. I needed him. It had to not be true. He could not be gone.
"I can't calm her down Ali," Jasper said fiercely.
I felt like the calm was on the edge of my body. It was like it was dancing around it, but it couldn't touch me. I didn't want his calm. I didn't deserve his calm.
"She's gone fuzzy again," Alice yelled.
Was she speaking of her visions? Everything fell into place by that point, every memory. I could recall every image of our time together. I knew how they were all filled with talent. Emmett had a great inner strength and an ability to make me laugh. Jasper made me feel worth it and calmed me when needed. Carlisle and Esme were wonderful parents. Rosalie had her beauty. Edward had so much. Alice may have been bossy, but she was my friend. Her gift was also a constant. She saw so much, but her gift couldn't save him.
Out the corner of my eye, I could see Carlisle trying to move closer. I looked to him, his arms outstretched, but I didn't want his comfort. I needed to get out of here. I needed to run. I dashed past them and out the door. I assumed it was due to my newborn speed. I was out the house and through the woods in mere seconds. The snow was kicking up behind, leaving a trail of white powder flittering behind me. I looked behind me to see if anyone had followed, but no one was there. The house was even out of sight.
I had to get away from them, that house, and that room. It all reminded me of him. My brain was going a mile a minute. I examined his touches, my adoration, and the looks we exchanged. I remembered my need and how eager I was to be near him. I growled out in anger at my realization. I caused all this grief. The truth laid there on the tip of my tongue while my vampire brain readied itself to deal with the coming understanding.
"It was all an obsession!" I screamed.
I loved Edward and he loved me, but we were not each other's forever. I was not his mate. I could see that now and it sickened me. He died for NOTHING! I was not even worth it. Why die for someone that's not your soul mate? It was all so clear to me now, but it was too late. There is no way I would be able to stand to be around them…the family. They have their mates to lean on, to heal. I was a constant reminder of what they lost, what I took away.
I wanted to die. I wanted to join him, even if I wasn't supposed to be his. Those arms loved me and I felt safe nestled in them. How does one kill a vampire? I snorted at my question. I had seen firsthand how to destroy a vampire. Fire & dismemberment was the answer, but I couldn't exactly rip my own limbs off. But, I could walk into the fire. So that's what I decided to do. I started a fire as quickly as I could and knew I had to hurry. Alice. She would see. I knew she would see.
"Sorry," I whispered.
My choked sobs encased me and I walked into the flames. I was happy to welcome the burn.
A/N: So tell me your thoughts by hitting that little review button below. Here are my recs of the week: Time Heals by abbymickey24 which is complete and Justice for All by stephlite which is in progress. What? Of course I would recommend their stories first :)