Timeline: Sometime after 2.08
A/N: Remember when Jack told Zane "no pay channels"?
Thanks To: MJ, dariclone and Xander for help with the movie titles.
Feedback: is a must!
Disclaimer: Not mine. I play with other people's toys.
First Posted: July 08, 2010


"Carter!" Allison jogged toward the Sheriff as he walked back to the station, Vinspresso in hand.

"Allison! Hey," He turned and gave her a wide grin. "How's it going?"

"Carter-" As she reached him, a few of the papers in the folder she was holding slipped out.

"Here, let me." He bent to pick them up with his free hand. "Wow. Paper. I thought all you techno geeks swore off paper years ago."

As he went to hand them to her, she flushed. "Yes, well, usually you'd be right. GD's entire annual paper consumption is less than half of the average American household. But they were faxed to me by..." She paused, mid-sentence, and looked around the busy morning street. "Actually, Carter, do you mind if we discuss this at the station?"

He squinted at her then shrugged. "Sure."

The walk back to the Sherriff's office was surprising silent, with Jack glancing curiously at Allison every few moments.

When they reached the station, Jack dropped himself into the chair behind his desk. "So..." He prompted and looked at Allison expectantly. "What did you want to talk about?" He watched her fidget for a minute. "Allison? Is everything okay?" She sighed and took the seat across from him.

"I'm fine."

"You sure?" Her death grip on the folder hadn't lessened. He pointed to the leather case. "Your knuckles are going white. What's in there, anywhere?" When she didn't answer him, he took advantage of her inattention and took the folder from her. "Let's see..." As he scanned the page, his eyes widened and his grin got so big it hurt his face. "Manholes? David Cop A Feel? ... Ass Blasters?" Carter sat on the edge of his desk as he continued reading. His shoulders began to shake with poorly suppressed laughter. "Riding the Cowboy?... Tight Ends, Wide Receivers? Who comes up with this stuff?" By this point, there were tears streaming down his face. He looked at Allison and slowly sobered as he saw she wasn't laughing. If anything, she looked even more uncomfortable. "Allison?"

She scowled at him. "I'm glad you think it's funny. I just spent close to an hour telling General Mansfield that it had to be a mistake."

"Why is bad porn of the General's business? Even bad gay porn shouldn't affect him as long as he doesn't walk in on his soldier watching it."

"It's his business, and now mine, because he called me this morning and wanted to know why the military was paying for Eureka's law enforcement to be ordering those titles on pay-per-view."

Jack blinked. "Huh?"

"So you see where I'm coming from."

"Not really."

"Look, Jack," Allison sighed again and reached out to him, putting her hand on his arm. "Look, it's none of my business if you..." She coughed, blushing, "...if you watch that sort of thing, but really, at work?"

"Uh, Allison, it wasn't me. I mean, you and I-" He looked at her, surprised. "I don't watch gay porn, Allison." The Sheriff chuckled. "Really. I would have thought you'd know me better then that given how you shot me down when we first met." She opened her mouth, then closed it again. "It was probably Jo. She's got a weird sense of humour."

"Look at the time stamps, Carter. It's when you were on duty by yourself or the station should have been empty." She pointed out plainly.

"Allison, even if I was going to watch something like that, why would I do it here?"

"I don't know, Jack! But it's pretty clear it had to be you. I checked with S.A.R.A.H. on the times you weren't scheduled to be here and she confirmed that you weren't at home for any of them." She pulled out another paper from her folder and thrust it at him. "Look."

He took it gently and read it, comparing the times and dates on both sheets. Then he started to laugh again, this time much less hysterical and more darkly. "You should probably have someone look into S.A.R.A.H. for a hack or whatever." He stood and put the pages side by side on his desk. "Look." He pointed to a date on the print-out from S.A.R.A.H., then the corresponding one on the bill from the cable company. "Unless I somehow teleported directly from the bunker to the station the moment it began, there's no way it was me. Someone's pulling your leg, Allison."

She examined the papers slowly, her posture relaxing visibly. "Oh god." Allison began to giggle right along with him. "Oh god, Jack, I'm so sorry. I can't believe I didn't check that." She hiccupped. "I'm so sorry."

"It's fine, Allison. I forgive you. Just please, tell me you didn't tell Stark about this."

She shook her head. "No. But I wouldn't be surprised if General Mansfield did. He was fuming."

"Awesome."

"And I think Fargo may have overheard the conversation." She giggled again. "So Vince'll probably hear about it before noon."

"Even better." Carter clutched his sides and slid to the floor. His head hit the desk, but he didn't really notice. "By dinner time, it'll be all over Eureka that I'm a gay nympho who gets his jollies off watching porn at work on the government's dime."

"Well," The door to the station shut loudly and Jack looked up to see Jo standing there, arms crossed. "That was the wrong time to come into the conversation. What the hell are you two giggling about?"

"Here." Allison waved the papers at the deputy. Her eyeliner was running down her cheeks and her face was flushed with laughter.

"What the... David Cop A Feel? Something you want to tell me, Chief?"