Light (Raito) Yagami/Kira

Crazy little fucker, he is. I understand what he originally tried to do, but somewhere along the lines he lost his fucking marbles and went totally batshit insane on everyone's ass. Not only that, but he was twisted enough to still believe that what he was doing was right.

Fuckin' nuts, I know.

Other than that shit, not a bad guy. Good looking, smart, great tennis player, and awesome with the ladies. Probably not the kinda guy I'd like to call my friend, but I'm sure that some sick fuck, somewhere, would enjoy having Light fucking Yagami as a best friend. Most likely not anybody I know, but there's bound to be at least one person.

Oh, and twenty bucks says he's really gay. Yeah. Misa? Pffft, fucking cover up for his own homosexuality 'cause he's too damn scared to tell everyone the truth. What's my proof? First of all, look at him. Look at him carefully and try to fuckin' tell me he's straight. Try. Second, his name. Seriously. "Raito Yagami?" Rearrange the letters, and you end up with "I am a gay riot."

'But no, goggle-man! I is not gay!'—my sad impression of Light. Mels says it's spot-on.

Me—'Bullshit! You be flamin', bro!'

Ugh.

I can't fucking stand that guy.

L Lawliet/Eraldo Coil/Danuve/Ryuuzaki/Hideki Ryuuga/who the fuck knows what else

My mentor. Or rather, former mentor. Not that I ever got the pleasure of meeting the guy in person, but Mels says that he's pretty damn awesome. I'll have to take his word for it.

Uber smart, kinda funny looking, great detective. Unfortunately, a bit of a social recluse. I know what you're thinking: lol Matt, ur a recluse 2. Well, I have friends…a friend…nyeh. L's first friends were Misa and Light, so I feel really fucking sorry for the guy.

Apparently had an affinity for bare feet. Ahem.

Misa Amane/the second Kira

Honestly? Mello with tits and a vagina. And about one hundred less IQ points. And a higher, squeakier, more ear-bleedingly annoying voice.

Nice ass, though.

Touta Matsuda/Taro Matsui

God fucking damn, that guy's a bloody idiot! He seriously can't do anything right! Not only did he almost get himself killed on multiple occasions, but he also went against L's orders and tried to infiltrate the Yotsuba Corp. headquarters. On top of that, he's a bit of a klutz.

L says he's great at getting coffee, despite his usual idiocy about things.

He's a nice guy, actually; big heart, warm smile, cheerful demeanor. Loves hugs, puppies, kittens, rainbows, sparkles, unicorns, and a whole bunch of other shit that makes me want to puke my insides out. I might consider him someone I'd be able to strike up and hold a friendship with but, just knowing the way he is, it might not work out.

…I still wish he would've shot Imagay in the fucking head. God. I was all like, "SHOOT THE MOFO, MATSU!" And he did.

In the fucking hand. And the fucking chest. What the hell? HEAD, YOU BITCH! AIM FOR HIS MOTHERFUCKING HEAD!111one!

Whoa. Sorry 'bout that.

Stephen Gevanni/Stephen Loud

Hoooooly shit, that man is hot.

He reminds me of myself: loyal, does anything for his boss, and totally willing to give up his life for the greater good. A good man.

I gotta get me a suit. I'd look hawt.

Halle Lidner/Halle Bullook

I just can't figure her out. She worked for Near, helped Mello out, and acted as a bodyguard for Kiyomi Takada. Is she alliance-confused or some shit like that? Does she just have trouble picking sides? Or was it all for personal gain?

I do know she had the hots for a certain blond Mafia boss. We had a talk. A nice, long, informative talk. Hell yeah, I laid down the rules and shit, and you best be believin' she followed them.

Followed them with a swift kick to my balls.

Ouch.

Anthony Rester/Anthony Carter

I…honestly don't have an opinion. He seems like a cool enough guy, but I don't know much about him other than that he's more or less Near's guardian. Or bodyguard. Either or.

He looks pretty good for being forty-something.

Teru Mikami

My Lord. Fucking crazy as all hell. I mean it. Dude's crazier than the idea of Mello dressing in drag willingly and for no money. So yeah, pretty crazy.

Loved Kira too much. Although it was pretty epic when he like, stabbed himself with a pen and started bleeding all over the fucking place. That was entertaining to watch. I totes LOL'd.

Kiyomi Takada

Burn in hell.

'Nuff said, kthxbai.

Near/Nate River

Mello thinks he's a prick. I think he's kinda funny. Anywho, little sheepy became the new L after Mels hightailed his ass out of Wammy's because he refused to work together to solve the Kira case. He tried to keep me from going with him, but I wasn't having any of that; I followed him like the puppy I truly am.

I don't regret it, though.

Near. Near, Near, Near. Good guy, but really needs to start showing some fucking emotion. I'm sure that if he wasn't such a dick to him, Mello would've liked him more. That, and if he actually cared about others' feelings, which hell, I know he doesn't. He needs to grow up, too. Really. LEGOs and toy robots? Are you fucking kidding me?

Peter Pan syndrome is the number one leading cause for the decline of maturity.

Videogames, however…

Mello/Mihael Keehl

The fucking love of my life and my very reason for existence. Well, previous existence. I'm just happy I died because of him and not some other person I couldn't give two shits about. In fact, he's the reason I'm even writing this shit down.

It's all because he's a douche and wanted to go run off and get reacquainted with his parents and stuff and blah, blah, blahdity-fucking-blah. He ditched me. Ass. Heaven it may be, but it doesn't mean I can forcibly keep him by my side all the time. After all, you know what they say:

"If you love something, let it go. If it comes back, guilt it into letting you top for the night."

…or something like that. I may have paraphrased it a bit.

So, anyway, I was bored, had nothing better to do, and jerking off just isn't the same since Mello and I started fucking. Totally out of options, I grabbed a sheet of paper, a pen, and started writing. And you all ended up with this. BE HAPPY, HEATHENS.

Shinigami

Truthfully, I nearly shit myself the first time I saw a Shinigami. Things are fucking scary as hell, man! Of course, since I'm a man, and men don't freak out like little girls and hide behind their significant others, I quickly recomposed myself and extended my hand in greeting.

Not really. I mostly just made a noise like, "Mnnghm." I know, intelligent.

They're actually pretty interesting. Kinda funny looking, but still interesting. Though I still can't understand how to tell the difference between the males and the females. Are there different, um, parts, or something along those lines…?

The Death Note

WHY. WHY, WHY, WHY. NO POINT. HAD THERE NEVER BEEN SUCH A THING, I'D STILL BE ALIVE, AND SO WOULD MELS, MISA, LIGHT, L, AND A WHOLE SHITLOAD OF OTHER PEOPLE.

WHY.

FFFUUUCCCKKK.

My car

Fuck, man! They shot my goddamn car! Not cool! That thing was a freaking 1969 SS Chevy Camaro, and damn near mint condition! And they fucking shot it. If I hadn't been dead, I'd've cried right then and there. Fortunately, I can still cry in the afterlife.

I want my fucking car back.

I think I'm at a loss of words for whatever else I wanted to write. Eh, whatever. This seems like a good stopping point. Now, to go find out where Mello ran off to so I can get me some sex. Gah, it's been too long.

Laterz.


Author's Note: Hell, I'll be honest with you all: I have no clue where exactly this came from. At least it's funny, though.

I think.

…I hope.