A/N: This is for my beloved Chas, who is one of the most hateful reviewers I've ever had (and actually isn't anonymous like the other cowards who flame), the most sarcastic person I've met on FF, and the most annoying and persistent person I willingly communicate with. There's a reason you inspired the fic I Hate You More. xD Just kidding. I love you, Chas :P You're so awesome, and you always know just how to make me laugh. ;) Here's the fic I promised you months ago – I hope it lives up to your expectations.
It starts off like an ordinary day. You know, the usual. My hair's looking great. We're getting ready to shoot a new episode of The Falls, hopefully one that will boost ratings even further, just to rub it in the Randoms' faces.
And just for good luck, I'm wearing a pink shirt. Only real men wear pink, you know. And trust me, Chad Dylan Cooper is a real man.
But I just looked up at who walked into the commissary, and I can tell that it's all about to go downhill from here. Because sitting alone at a table and looking deceptively sweet is Dakota Condor, four and a half feet of pure evil.
I try to subtly make my way past her, but she's too obsessed with me not to notice my presence. Understandable, of course.
"Hi, Chad. How about joining me for lunch?" she asks with a smile, and I return it as I look for an excuse.
"Oh, hi, Dakota," I greet, my voice slightly unsteady. "Yeah, I'd love to. Actually, I'm due on set for rehearsal – "
"Not if my daddy cancels your show!" she threatens with the same grin on her face, and I know that it's a lost cause.
"Oh, what are we having!" I ask in the high-pitched, "sweet" voice she's been using. So much for escaping. I pull out a chair and sit down before noticing the girl clad in pink reaching out to me like a lost puppy.
I hate puppies.
"H, Chad. How would the greatest actor of his generation like to buy a box of cookies?" The Random knows how to sell, and I can't say no to someone who speaks the truth without even wincing once, unlike her fellow cast member Sonny over there.
I reach into my jacket pocket and pull out my wallet, figuring that cookies aren't such a bad thing to spend money on. "You had me at 'the greatest actor of his generation,'" I smirk, knowing how much it bothers Sonny.
As I rifle through, looking for money (please. Real stars don't carry much cash on hand. It's called a credit card, hello?), Dakota starts talking to the pink Random with that high-pitched voice again, and Sonny jumps in. This can't be good.
The next thing I know, the Random is reaching across the table and barking at Dakota, looking somewhat crazy as Sonny tries to restrain her. This definitely ought to be mentioned in my safety contract. Attacking little girls? Very dangerous.
I cringe back into my chair, trying to find something to hold onto (like the convenient table behind me) as the girl continues to growl.
"Zora! Zora! Zora! Blossom Scouts do not bark at little girls!" Sonny reminds her, trying to make things better, like always.
"It's not in the handbook!" protests whom I presume is Zora, glaring and beginning to bark again.
Definitely like a lost puppy. A lost, insane puppy who's probably infected with rabies.
But who has very good taste in actors.
Later in the day, when Dakota has frightened me with her threats of being fired often enough for me to submit to her weird requests, I pull a fake cast onto my arm, a memory of a weird beard coming to mind momentarily.
"Sure you are. I have a secret weapon," I hear Dakota brag. I'm pretty sure that's my cue.
"Secret weapon," scoffs the puppy Random from this morning, as if in disbelief. Oh, she better be scared. This secret weapon is loaded and ready to go.
"Yo, peeps! Come get your Blueberry – " I get off the pink scooter I'm riding (hey. Don't judge. Real man, remember?) and pause dramatically before finishing, " – Bo Peeps!"
"Chad, you're the secret weapon?" I turn around and see Sonny with a disgusted look on her face, and I can't help but be somewhat affronted. I mean, who is she to judge? She's helping out a little girl and wearing the same pink sash as me, right?
"Shh!" I hold up a finger to my lips and hush her, continuing with the act. "It's a secret!" Returning to my normal voice, albeit at a lower volume, I lean in to Sonny and say, "Wanna know another secret?"
Without waiting for an answer, I point at my new cast and whisper, "This is fake! Really tugs on the heartstrings. Woo!" before walking away and leaving Sonny with a stricken look that tells me just how much I'm going to beat her by in this little competition.
Almost immediately, a long line forms at the table once I stand by it, and the record-breaking selling begins.
Zora and Sonny market their cookies loudly, standing on their chairs and trying to steal the customers at Dakota's table. Something about free samples. But Dakota plays the cute card, and soon everyone rushes into our line.
"Well – uh – anybody who buys a box of cookies from us will get a free balloon with each purchase!" offers Sonny desperately. Really, Sonny, really? A free balloon?
I'm even more shocked when the customers actually buy it, rushing over to the Randoms' table. I let them enjoy the feeling for a couple of seconds before walking over and popping one of their precious balloons with the tip of my pencil.
"If you buy from us, I'll give you my autograph," I say to the customers, knowing that this will draw people immediately. I mean, come on. I'm Chad Dylan Cooper, after all.
Sure enough, the line moves back, and I dance over to the table in victory.
"Well, anybody who buys from us will get my autograph!" Sonny shoots back, but she's met with bewildered looks from the customers rather than their checkbooks. I laugh at their reaction, brushing off Sonny and her little-known acting skills with a wave of my hand.
"Really?" Sonny exclaims in indignation. "Okay, whatever! If you buy from us, we will wash your car!" Oh, so that's how it's going down, is it? As the line runs back, I think up my next offer.
"Buy cookies from us, I'll give you a coupon for two free car washes from Sonny and Zora," I tell them, figuring they're so gullible that it won't matter. It works, too, and the line comes rushing over to us once more.
"Hey, you can't do that!" protests Zora angrily, possessing a smidge more sense than the customers. But I already know what my next offer is.
"Plus, anyone who buys our cookies," I continue, as if I haven't heard Zora, "I will hug each and every one of you." Everyone murmurs excitedly, as they should, and I catch the eye of a girl near the front of the line. "Especially you," I tell her, winking.
"Oh, that is ridiculous!" Sonny gets a bit jealous at this offer, as she definitely should. "We were here first!" She starts grabbing the person in our line and dragging her over to the Randoms' table with some kind of frantic commands.
A lady in full Blossom Scout uniform with red hair walks up with a clipboard, admonishing Sonny. I turn back to helping the customers for the time being, figuring that Sonny experiences enough humiliation on a daily basis without me having to watch all of it. I keep smiling and winking my way through the cookie selling, leaving Dakota to do the dirty work.
"Zora. YOU ARE NO LONGER A BLOSSOM SCOUT!" yells the woman loudly all of a sudden, ripping Zora's sash off her and stalking off with it. It's kind of disturbing, actually.
"Zora, I'm – " Sonny reaches out to apologize, but the Random only shakes her head and runs off. Against my better judgment, I walk over to Sonny with a box of cookies in hand.
"Hey, Sonny. You okay?" I ask, feeling somewhat unsettled now that I see how truly upset she is. "Looks like somebody could use a hug," I continue anyway, swallowing any doubts I have. She turns toward me with a pout, nodding and holding her arms open.
I quickly pull up my hand, putting the box of cookies between us. "Buy a box of cookies, I'll give you one," I offer, matching her pout. Her sad expression deepens, and I walk off before I can feel bad about it. It's only business, after all. Just trying to sell cookies. And keep my job.
A few hours later, once the selling has died down a bit, Dakota leads me back to the commissary. I don't even bother trying to protest – this competition has gotten personal now.
"So, you got your sash back. Big whoop." Dakota pretends to celebrate briefly before returning to her method of intimidation. "You'll never catch up to us."
"Oh, yeah? Well, let's see you try to sell cookies without a face." It takes a moment for the words to sink in, but once they do, I grab Dakota and pull her away from the creepy, hissing Random who's clawing furiously at the air. Thankfully, Sonny's holding her back as well.
"Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! Zora! Zora!"
"Whoa," I repeat, shocked by the ferocity of the two girls.
"Chad, the only reason why you're helping her out is because her dad owns the studio!" argues Sonny, upset for some reason that I'm helping. Which probably has everything to do with the fact that she secretly likes me, and not the fact that Dakota and I are way ahead of her and Zora.
" You know what? You're just jealous because I'm a better Blossom than you'll ever be!" I fire back, making a face at her. It doesn't matter that it's the truth – Sonny opened the way for an argument, and Chad Dylan Cooper never backs down.
" What? I wouldn't brag about that, alright? Look, we'll be the ones going down in Blossom Scout history, when we break that cookie selling record," boasts Sonny confidently.
"Oh, you think so?" I continue in a raspy voice, grimacing.
"Yeah, I know so!" argues Sonny. Yeah, right.
Flash forward a few more hours and Dakota and I are about to be crowned the holders of the number one cookie selling record. Well, technically, Dakota is, but hey, we all know she couldn't have done it without CDC.
"I am proud to say that Dakota Condor is the number one cookie selling person – " begins Mrs. Montecore (yup, I found out her name. I may have peeked on her clipboard to double check that we were still in the lead. But probably not).
"Not so fast, not so fast!" Sonny and Zora rush in, as I can't help but say I expected. "Here!"
Sonny shoves a clipboard into Mrs. Montecore's face as Zora proudly states, "We sold all our cookies." I peer over to check the numbers, ever so subtly.
"Well, this is the craziest thing! It's a tie!" announces Mrs. Montecore, and everyone's face immediately falls.
"We TIED?" Dakota and Zora make their way into fighting position already, facing each other with looks of pure loathing on their faces. I reach for my hair with a spare hand, smoothing it in case I'm needed to break apart another fight.
"Can't we have some sort of sell-off or something?" Sonny says desperately, determined to win once and for all.
"No, that's impossible. There aren't any cookies left." But right as the words leave Mrs. Montecore's lips, I pick up the green box of cookies sitting on the table right next to us.
"I got a box." I hold it up for everyone to see, and all mayhem suddenly lets loose.
"Yes! We can sell it, and we'll win!" announces Dakota triumphantly, already laughing in their faces.
"Wha – Chad! Hand us the cookies," begins Sonny, giving Zora a look as if to say that she has this one in the bag. Oh, no, you don't. That flirty voice isn't getting you anywhere if you don't mean it! "We're your friends. Dakota was only using you." She and Zora both start walking towards me, with looks on their faces that are frankly disturbing.
"Chad, Chad, Chad." A hand pulls on my jacket, and I look down to see Dakota looking up at me with big, coaxing eyes. "Don't listen to her."
"Just – just give me the Flicker Doodles." Sonny beckons to me with her hand, a devious smile on her face.
"Give me the Flicker Doodles," begs Zora, reaching out for them.
Instinctively, I pull them close to me, my eyes growing wide as I look at the crazed Randoms. All for a box of cookies, who would have thought?
"My daddy owns the studio," Dakota reminds me in her innocent voice, before demanding, "so give me the Flicker Doodles!" Their voices are starting to echo, and I shake my head, trying to get rid of them.
" Everybody just stop messing with my mind! Man - !" In my efforts to reach for something to hold onto, I knock over a pile of stacked chairs on the table behind me. Sensing a better form of escape, I roll over the table with my ninja moves.
"I can't – I can't – I can't think! Just everybody step back!" I order, but none of them listen. They only come closer, pushing past the table to form a line of scary faces and reaching hands. I hold the Flicker Doodles above my head, where none of them can grab the box.
"Just give me the box, and this will all be over," promises Sonny.
"Come on, Chad! Come on!"
"Get away, everybody!" I burst out, frustrated by it all. "Just back off! Alright, you know what! It is over!" I rip open the box of cookies viciously, determined to keep the cookies away from them. "Nobody is getting these cookies!"
I start emptying the box into my mouth, letting cookies rain down on me as the girls shriek in protest.
"Ha!" I throw down the box of cookies triumphantly. "You see? Now nobody's getting the cookies – ugh," I say through the cookies in my mouth, before something gets stuck in my throat. I start trying to show them that I'm choking, and they seem to understand.
But nobody does anything.
I walk into a wall and start falling over chairs as I try to gasp for oxygen, the cookie getting in the way.
"Oh yes, I will!" Sonny suddenly yells out, before I feel her arms reach around me and manage to squeeze hard enough that the cookie suddenly pops back up. I spit it out disgustedly, reaching for my throat.
Mrs. Montecore is impressed that Sonny helped someone who was so important, of course, and decides to officially make her a Blossom Scout. I sit in a chair, focusing more on trying to catch my breath than paying attention to the proceedings.
It's only when I hear Dakota say, "Oh, we're doing this," that I automatically jump out of my seat and grab Dakota.
"Oh, whoa. Whoa!"
"Chad, I can't believe you didn't even thank me for saving your life," says Sonny angrily, her voice cracking at the end of it. I cover up the fact that I was negligent by resorting to my classic excuse – acting.
"Look, I will have you know I was choking on purpose, so you could get your silly little merit badge. It's called acting," I tell her, rolling my eyes at her supposed naivety. This works every time.
"Yeah, you're not that good of an actor," she retorts, and that sets me off.
"Acting," I tell her, annoyed now that she isn't buying it. And that she said I wasn't "that good" of an actor, I mean, come on!
I set Dakota aside to have a better shot at Sonny, and she does the same with Zora.
"Acting," I repeat with more conviction, as if she's an idiot for not thinking so.
"Choking!" So she still won't concede, hm?
"Oh, really? Somebody better hold me back!" I warn before reaching to pull my jacket off. Dakota's small arms wrap around me and try to pull me away, and I can see Zora doing the same as Sonny reaches for her shoe.
Cookie selling, excessive pink, and fighting Randoms.
Yup. It's all just an ordinary day.
A/N: Yes, yes, it's a lame ending, yes, it's a terribly overdue fic, yes, you've probably forgotten all about it already, and yes, you probably won't review.
But whatever. :P
I hope you liked it, Chas. :) You're a fantastic friend, m'dear, whatever I say to the contrary any other time. :P Love you. :D