This story is now being beta-ed by the lovely Middle-Earth Muggle.
"This isn't gonna work, this isn't gonna work. This is so not gonna work!" Matt paced furiously up and down the faded green carpeting of the airport terminal, hands running intermittently through his red hair, leaving it mussed and standing on end. "Why did I think this was going to work?" he asked himself furiously, eyes darting back and forth in panic before settling on Mello, who was slouched in a hard, plastic seat, giving Matt his best 'I love you, but right now nothing would give me more pleasure than to watch you die a horrible, painful death on the surface of the sun' glare. "Good lord Mello, at least close your damn legs when you're in a dress!"
Mello narrowed his eyes and pushed his knees together. "Hey Matt, here's an idea. Why don't you yell a little louder? I think there are still some people over in the gift shop who haven't heard you yet." The reply came in the form of the redhead groaning and sinking into a half-crouching position, hands still firmly lodged in his hair.
At that moment, an airline employee who had been watching Matt's furious display of pacing approached. With a tone rather like she was talking to a five-year-old, she attempted to ask Matt, "Sir, is everything alright?"
"He's fine," Mello said with a dismissive wave. "He's just having some trouble coming to terms with his newfound idiocy. "
The woman did a double take in Mello's direction. "Oh, well, if you're sure… ma'am." The slight uplift in her voice made the last word into more of a question than a statement. Mello scowled and Matt let out another piteous groan as the woman hurried away.
Mello sighed and pinched the bridge of nose, closing his eyes in frustration. "Okay, okay, I can see this is killing you, Matt. And- oh, god I hate myself for saying this- I'll do my best okay? I mean, as much fun as it would be to watch your head just explode-" Matt's face had indeed been slowly turning an alarming scarlet color throughout this whole ordeal, "-I know this means a lot to you. It can't be that hard to pass off as a girl anyway, right? I can learn to sit like a lady and stuff."
Matt looked up at Mello from his spot on the floor, eyes wide. "I think we've got bigger problems than your posture right now, Mello."
"Are they bigger than the fact that I have a penis?"
Matt grimaced and let his gaze travel downwards and settle near Mello's boots. Mello's eyes followed his stare with confusion. He didn't get it. Was it the boots? He was no expert on women's fashion, but they didn't seem completely out of place. Was it- "Wait," Mello said his eyes widening. "I take it back. No, no, no, no, no. I see what you're getting after Matt. I'm not doing it. I refuse."
"Mello, you have to!" Matt's voice was rising in pitch and intensity with every syllable, and his eyes were getting that kicked-puppy look that Mello hated. No one should be able to make those eyes, especially a man that was allergic to dogs. "If you don't, this definitely won't work!"
"I am already in a dress for you, Matt. And in case you've forgotten, I just agreed to pretend to be a girl for the entire week while we stay with your parents for Christmas even after you refused to have hot airplane-bathroom sex with me! I'll even learn to sit like a girl if that's what I have to do, but I refuse, abso-fucking-lutely refuse to shave my legs."
"What am I supposed to do?" hissed Matt. The mention of his parents seemed to have breathed some life back into Matt. He stood up to his full height, towering over the still-seated Mello. "Introduce you to my parents and say, 'Hey Mom, Dad. This is my girlfriend, Sasquatch.'?"
"If that's what it takes, then yes." Mello retorted, pushing himself up out the chair to stand in front of Matt, folding his arms and staring Matt down. "Besides, it's winter. Why would I be showing my legs anyway? Can't I just wear some pants?"
"It's winter, yeah," Matt responded. "In Texas. It's like, eighty-five degrees out there!"
"No shit?" said Mello, raising his eyebrows. "That's way too hot for December."
"Concentrate!" shrieked Matt suddenly. "My parents could be here to pick us up any second! Why didn't we rent a car? Oh god…" Matt resumed his pacing, but then a thought appeared to strike him. He looked up at Mello, but this time he didn't look so much like a puppy- actually, he looked a little bit evil. "Mello. What about the thing?"
"You know. That thing I promised to do. You wouldn't want to miss out on that… now would you?"
"I put on the dress. You have to do it, Matt."
Matt sidled up to Mello and waved his finger in front of his face. "Nuh-uh. The deal was that you would pretend to be my girlfriend. But if you're not believable, then I don't think I should have to do it."
Mello exhaled loudly. "You can't just make up rules as you go along. I'm pretty sure the universe considers that cheating."
Matt held up his hands- a clear sign of defeat. "Okay then, Mello," he said, backing away, "Take off the dress. We can introduce you as a boy. But I'm not doing that thing." He folded his arms and stared at the blonde. Mello stared back. A long silence stretched between the two.
Twenty minutes and one very confused gift shop cashier later, Mello stood in the men's bathroom, one legged propped up on the sink, once again emptying his arsenal of curse words to the surrounding air. "Fuck you, Matt," he muttered under his breath, as he dragged a plastic, disposable razor up his foam-covered leg.
The door to the restroom suddenly banged open, and an older man, busy readjusting his glasses stepped in. He seemed to take a moment to fully absorb the situation in front of him, his brow scrunching in confusion. His gaze switched rapidly from Mello's propped leg, the pink razor in his hand, and Matt leaning nonchalantly against the wall, fiddling idly with his DS.
"What?" Mello barked, drawing the man's full attention. He seemed to be saying that to strangers a lot today. "You never seen a man shave his legs before?" The man spluttered, searching for an answer. "Get the fuck out." Mello said, using the voice he usually only reserved for talking to his mafia subordinates. It worked. The man took one last confused glance at the blonde and hightailed it out of there, probably on his way to go tell everyone he knew about what he had just seen.
"Goddammit," Mello muttered, and continued his depressing emasculation. While Mello slowly shaved away what was left of his manhood, he let his mind wander to a happier place- thinking of all the things that he could do to Matt for revenge. He could throw away his video game systems- or better yet, he could smash them. He could bury Matt alive. He could toss him into a pot of boiling tar and feather him.
No. None of that was good enough. No revenge would be enough to combat shaved legs.
"You do realize you're plotting out loud right?"
"Oh yeah," said Mello, raising his eyebrows. "I know. Believe me, I know. There!" He tossed the razor in the sink and wiped his legs down with a paper towel. "I'm done. Are you fucking happy, man?" He stared at his smooth legs in something akin to horror. "I feel naked."
Matt cleared his throat nervously. "So, this probably isn't a great time to mention it… but you should probably do your under-arms too." He cringed, waiting for retaliation.
Mello's eyelid twitched dangerously. "Wh-," he started to say, when the Zelda theme song interrupted him. Matt jumped a little in surprise and then dug through his pocket for his cell phone. The redhead's eyes widened as he stared at the lit screen, before shakily holding the phone to his ear. "Hi, Mom," he said, swallowing heavily. "Yeah, uh-huh, we'll be there. Thanks, bye." He slid the phone shut. "Change of plans," Matt said, meeting Mello's eyes with a desperate look. "Just take my jacket. My parents are here. Oh god, this had better work."
Reviews? I always want to know what you guys think, so I can improve my writing. =]