Disclaimer: I own nothing but the plot to this story and my OCs. The rest all belongs to Ryan Murphy, Ian Brennan, Brad Falchuk, the various songwriters, and to the writers of any joke that may not be mine.
This story is lovingly ripped off (and by ripped off, I mean blatantly stolen, save for a few jokes and alterations) from the classic Drew Carey episode "DrugCo " as the character of Lewis was partially inspiration for Jack and DrugCo was the inspiration for HarmCo.
A/N: Picture Mr. Harper as if he was being played by Jon Voight.
So, here's what you've missed so far…
Sue wanted more screen time and may just get it
Sam joined glee club and Kurt got a crush on him
Turns out Sam wants Quinn and that made Kurt kind of depressed and standoffish.
Finn, who kinda of thinks of Kurt as a brother, is worried.
And Jack is trying to turn over a new leaf, but that's harder than he thought it would be.
And that what you missed on…GLEE!
It was morning at William McKinley High School and Coach Sue Sylvester entered the offices of Coach Shannon Beiste, her second biggest enemy in the school. Now, on a regular day, better known as Sue Gets Her Way Day, and yes, the rhyming was intentional, Sue would never think of entering the office of the Troll of Jock Strap Mountain, but today she had no choice. Someone had decided it would be funny to flood her office, destroying most of her memorabilia from her time in the New Amsterdam chapter of the Hells Angels. She wasn't sure who had done it, but she had narrowed it down to the blonde guy from William's little glee club that bared a striking resemblance to one of the statues of Stonehenge or the Beiste herself.
Sue surveyed the office, taking a seat in her new desk. The chair hadn't even been specially formed to groove into her butt. She could argue about that later, because something was amiss in state of Denmark. And, for once, it wasn't all that cheese. She could see Beiste sitting across from her.
Now, Sue Sylvester never screams, but this was one of those moments that made her jump out of her chair.
"What in the hell?" she shouted. "What did you do?"
Beiste placed her arms on her desk, her hands folded.
"Susan," she began. "Yesterday, when you snuck up on me with that plastic booger on a stick, you crossed a line. So, until Figgins finally shells out to give you a new office, I'm going to be keeping my eye on you."
The two intimidating women locked horns visually, neither one ready to give up.
"Ah, crap," Beiste growled. "I just found the flaw in my plan."
"That's right, She-Hulk," Sue laughed. "I've had to stare at your gigantic ass for the last three weeks; I'm more prepared for this than you'll ever be."
"Bring it on, Florence Henderson."
Oh, the gloves were coming off! The staring contest continued, both women trying their best to break the other. Beiste even went so far as to take out her breakfast and eat in front of Sue. And it was not a pretty sight. This battle of wills would have gone on forever if Brenda Castle, the school's resident addict, wandered into the office.
She watched as Sue and Beiste's face off continued.
"I'm going to go out on a limb and guess," she began. "Winner gets a reprieve from the hideous thing staring at her?"
Sue's face fell; she turned her attention to Brenda.
"Brenda," Sue said. "What're you doing here?"
"I, uh, have to give Shannon my urine. Apparently there's a drug test going on for the faculty and I was the first person..."
"Okay, didn't need to know," Sue cut her off. "Guess I'm going to have to do something to drown that visual out of my head."
Brenda stepped in the center of the room, reaching into the bag that contained the urine. That was when time slowed down; Sue pulled out a remote control and pressed the button. This signaled a large confetti cannon to go off, nailing Brenda square in the arm, popping the top off of the cup, and was soon drenched with the golden liquid.
The high-strung teacher screamed as Beiste leapt to her feet, real time taking over again. She grabbed Brenda, who was lunging for Sue's throat.
"C'mon, hon, let's get you cleaned up," Beiste snarled as she lead Brenda out of the room. "I hope your happy, Sue."
"I am. A cold open is enough for now," Sue said, her fourth-wall shattering powers making a surprise appearance once again.
"We have got to talk about this," Finn Hudson shouted to Kurt Hummel, who simply rolled his eyes at his almost-stepbrother.
"No, we don't, Finn," he argued. "I'm keeping it and that's that."
"But, it doesn't belong to you," the taller teen pressed.
Now, Constant Reader, you are, no doubt, curious as to what these two are arguing about. Well, it all began a couple of days ago when Kurt received a rather odd package.
"'Kirk Gunner'," he read to himself, his eyes widening. "Tanning bed?"
Now, on any given day, Kurt Hummel would send the wrongfully sent package back, but consider this: in the last few weeks his father has had a heart attack; he's lost out on yet another crush, and was kissed by one of the biggest Neanderthals to drag their knuckles across the floors of McKinley. So, to say that he just wanted something good to come his way, something that he could just use and abuse for no other reason than it was there, no matter how small would be something of an understatement. This might just be the sign that it was time.
"Hey, Kurt," he heard Finn call out. "Whatcha' get?"
Kurt quickly covered the delivery notice.
"Oh, I think that tanning bed that I ordered a few months ago is in," he lied. "I guess with every thing's that's happened, I forgot to cancel it."
Finn tilted his head at the smaller boy, remembering something Rachel had said about the downside of tanning beds.
"Dude, you kill sperm with something like that?" Finn asked.
'Of course that's the one thing he'd remember,' Kurt's face scrunched up. "Okay, we're putting that little statement in our boundary box, Finn."
"Sorry," Finn said. "Need any help moving it?"
"Sure," Kurt accepted.
Finn tried to lift the front of the box, suddenly realizing that his bigger frame didn't help move the box through the smaller doorway. Only the box and someone smaller could fit through.
"Let's switch places," Finn suggested.
Kurt nodded and swapped his spot for Finn's. Finn scooped up the other side of the box, something catching his attention.
"Who's Kirk Gunner?" he asked.
'Damn in!' was the expression written all over Kurt's face. He was caught.
And since that day, Finn had been trying to get Kurt to return the tanning bed to its rightful owner.
"You are not going to convince into giving it back, Finn," Kurt said, putting an extra bit of bass in his voice. "Nothing say can tell me otherwise."
"I figured that," Finn said. "So, I got somebody who knows the subject better than I do."
Kurt studied Finn's expression before realizing who he was talking about.
"You didn't tell her?" Kurt snarled.
"Oh, I did," Finn reassured his stepbrother.
"Kurt Robert Hummel," Rachel Berry's distinct and, occasionally, grating voice crowed from the door way of music room, "I am disappointed in you."
Kurt glared at Finn, he wasn't sure if Finn had gone to Jack Harmon, the club's advisor to the captains and the resident blackheart, but he knew this was something out of the evil tenor's playbook.
While Finn and Rachel were busy torturing Kurt over the moral and ecological effects of keeping the tanning, Brittany S. Pierce was worried about something else entirely.
"Hey, B," Santana called out to her spacey other half.
This caused Brittany to walk face-first into an open door, her bag tumbling to the floor. Santana raced over to the fallen blonde.
"Brittany," she said, "you okay?"
"I'm fine, S," she said, her tone of voice betraying a glimmer of sadness.
"I know that voice, B," Santana pressed. "What's wrong?"
"I think Miss Kitty Fantastico is going blind," Brittany said, gathering her bag, which now seemed to be moving.
"Yesterday," Brittany began her flashback, recalling Miss Kitty going to town in a sexual manner of her favorite toy, "I thought he was acting funny. He was getting busy with my favorite Cabbage Patch doll and my perfectly good leg was right by him."
"He likes your legs almost as much as I do," interrupted Santana.
Then came the tantalizing test of bacon, the cat's favorite breakfast food.
"And then I threw of bacon and he didn't even bother to go after it," the simple blonde continued. "So, then I tried to let him out this morning and he ran outside."
The cat darted outside, only to crash into the nearby garbage cans.
"That's good he still remembers that."
"But, he ran into the garbage can. And he doesn't like to go near the cans because of the headless doll under the steps. So I brought him with me."
"And you brought it with you to school?" Santana inquired as the duo entered the music, where Kurt was now fashioning a noose out of his bowtie, Rachel and Finn still gabbing away.
"I was worried about him," Brittany said, her sad eyes on full blast. "Was that stupid?"
"No, it wasn't stupid," Santana said, slipping her pinky around Brittany's free one. "I like Miss Kitty too. I'm just worried about what happens if Man-Hands or Stonehenge will do when they see him."
And, speak of the devil, Jack chose that moment to enter the room.
"Is anyone else's ears burning?" he asked the Cheerios. "I ask this because you two know all about burning sensations on body parts."
"Step off, Stonehenge," Santana barked. "The two of us were talking and we'd prefer it if we didn't have to deal with a jackass in human clothing."
"The answer, Theorist, is," he retrieved a book from his satchel, "they open like this."
He then demonstrated how to open a book to the confused cheerleader. Jack prepared to join the Kurt torture scene when he heard the sound of a soft meow emitting from Brittany's book bag.
"What was that?" he asked, a wicked grin forming on his face.
"Nothing," Santana replied.
"It sounded like a cat," Jack said. "Unless one of you isn't wearing panties and it's taking that nickname literally."
Jack grabbed Brittany's bag and opened it to reveal Miss Kitty Fantastico.
"A bird wasn't enough to slake your bloodlust, Pierce?" he asked, raising an eyebrow at her.
"He's my pet," Brittany growled uncharacteristically and pulled the bag from Jack's hands.
She cradled the cat to her chest.
"I think he's going blind and I wanted to watch him."
Jack's eyebrow fell.
"Going blind?" he asked. "Poor thing. I knew you could go blind doing it, but I didn't think you could go blind watching your master do it."
"Do what?" Brittany asked.
"Never mind," Jack said, realizing that Brittany wasn't the type to do what he was talking about. "You said it's going blind?"
Brittany nodded, hugging the cat. Jack's stone-like facial features softened.
"Well," he said, "if you wanted to do something for it, HarmCo has this drug that's supposed to cure feline blindness."
The mention of HarmCo pulled Kurt, Finn, and Rachel out their argument over the tanning bed and into the conversation. The company evoked many feelings from the glee kids: terror, disgust, paranoia. Jack always seemed to have some sort of horrifying story about how a technician was incinerated in a teleportation machine or how a man shot his boss' head over a woman and carried the head around in his bowling bag.
"If you're interested, I could get it on the list," Jack offered.
This was even more suspicious.
"Don't do it, Brittany," Rachel shouted.
"Yeah," Kurt interjected. "He may just want to eat the cat. His kind loves weak things."
"I do not eat cats!" Jack shouted. "And as far as preying on the weak, I would never have let that monkey loose on the chess club if I had known that its blood stream was full of Cialis."
Brittany clutched Miss Kitty closer to her chest.
"Besides, after the lawsuit was settled, I decided that it was time to use my powers and my privilege to help those around me."
This was the trigger that set off the laughter gun.
"I am!" Jack exclaimed. "Why is it so hard to believe that I'm capable of doing something nice for somebody else?"
"Because we know you," Finn offered.
"You knew the old me," Jack said. "The new Jack Harmon helps those around him, whether they want it or not."
"Would they be nice to him?" Brittany asked.
"Yeah," Jack said. "I'd make sure of it. I mean, he'd have to be there for a week, but he'd be perfectly healthy when he got out."
"A week?" Brittany asked, looking down at her precious pet. "How long is that?"
"Today's Tuesday," Santana said. "If you let him take him in today, he'll be back before new episodes of that show you love."
"The one about the glee club?" Brittany asked.
"Yeah," Santana nodded.
"I don't like that show," Kurt said. "It's nothing like a real glee club. And that gay character. He is such a stereotype."
Everyone stared at Kurt with the "pot calling the kettle black" look on their faces.
"A week doesn't sound so bad," Brittany said, mostly to the cat. "Right, Miss Kitty?"
The blonde started to tear up.
"You'll be alright by yourself," she squeaked, the cat showing no emotion whatsoever. "That's a good cat."
"I can take her…"
"Him. Miss Kitty's a him," Brittany asserted.
Jack raised his eyebrow again, it was probably best not to ask.
The following week, Jack entered the offices of Mr. Jedidiah Harper, HarmCo's vice president.
"You wanted to see me, Mr. Harper?" Jack asked. "Because I've explained myself about those vending machines."
"No," Mr. Harper said in a good-natured manner. "I just wanted to talk to you, boy. Come on in."
Jack, who had just finished up on the tennis court, pulled the rest of his body into the room. Harper offered him a chair.
"I was just talking to your father," Harper said. "He wanted me to give you this."
Harper handed Jack a card. Jack examined the code, realizing what the number two man was getting at.
"My father's given me back my top clearance?" he said. "What brought this on?"
"I'm not sure," Harper confessed. "But, he did say something about you turning over a new leaf and how that impressed him. So, you've officially got your clearance back for whenever he's out of the country."
Jack smiled and shook Mr. Harper's hand. He turned to leave when he remembered something he wanted to ask the older man.
"Mr. Harper," he began. "I have a question."
"Last week, I brought in a cat. It's a friend of mine's. It was here for the drug that cures…"
"There was no cat," Harper snapped.
"I think you misunderstand me," Jack said, his authoritative voice making its presence known. "I brought the cat in for the drug."
"Only dead men ask those kind of questions," Harper growled. "Understand?"
Jack eyed the older man, something was definitely amiss, and he, himself, might take the fall for it.
"I understand," Jack said, opening the door.
"Remember," Harper warned, "there was no cat."
Jack closed the door and now had to think of what he was going to tell Brittany. Actually, he was more concerned of what Santana was going to do to him when she found out he had lost Brittany's cat.
Jack sat alone in the music room, trying to play a tune on the piano, downing the mineral water from his hip flask, growling about how he wished he could drink on school grounds. He almost hopped out his seat when Rachel stepped in.
"You know," she said, "if your shirt was off and you were cleaning a gun, you'd look just like my daddy."
Jack grunted and turned around.
"I'm trying to calm nerves, nothing seems to be working."
"Absolutely nothing, get off my back!" Jack roared, causing Rachel to jump. "Didn't mean to snap at you like that. I'm just worried about Miss Kitty Fantastico. I think something happened to him at HarmCo."
Rachel's eyes narrowed in that "I told you so" manner.
"Have you told Brittany or Santana?"
"No, and I'm trying to avoid them. Especially Santana"
No sooner had he said that did Santana enter the room.
"You picked a great hiding spot," Rachel quipped. "Did really think this one through, did you?"
"Shut up," Jack growled. "Look, I'm gonna try to come up with a cover story, play along."
"Man-Hands, Stonehenge," Santana said in her usual venomous tone. "How's everything?"
Rachel remained stone-faced; unfortunately Jack was not so lucky.
"You really no idea, do you?" Jack asked, winking to Rachel in a rather conspicuous manner.
"What's wrong?" Santana asked.
Jack suddenly realized he was caught.
"Nice poker face, Rachel!" he yelled.
"Santana," Rachel began, "there may be a problem with Miss Kitty Fantastico."
"If anything happened to that cat, Harmon, I swear to God…" Santana snarled.
"Hey, don't shoot the messenger," Jack argued. "They're not telling me a damn thing."
"If B finds out about this, it'll kill her," Santana shot. "And if that happens, I'm gonna hurt you."
Santana stepped away from Jack, knowing that being within arms' reach of the tenor would lead to her third strike.
"I knew she shouldn't have trusted that place," the angry Latina complained. "I've called up that customer hotline, it has that creepy voice," she put some bass in her voice. ""Thank you for calling HarmCo. Everything is alright."
"Look, I feel terrible about this," Jack said. "I have top level clearance. My dad gives it to me whenever he's out of town. We can go in tonight and bring him out dead or alive."
Santana and Rachel's eyes widened. Suddenly, Jack realized what he had said.
"I mean," he stammered, "one way or another, he'll be fertilizing Mrs. Pierce's roses by this time tomorrow."
This seemed to satisfy the tenor, who winked at Rachel.
"I don't know about this, Finn," Rachel said. "Breaking and entering is a pretty big offense. Technically, it's one of the bigger ones. And you've already been caught for slashing the tires of the Vocal Adrenaline's Range Rovers. Did I tell that, while I don't approve of yours and Noah's actions, I did approve of you two helping the environment."
Finn covered Rachel's mouth.
"You don't have to go with us," Finn said. "We can get the cat and get out."
Rachel's eyebrows knitted together. She pulled Finn's hand away from her mouth.
"I'm going in there with you guys," she asserted. "We stick together, no matter what."
"Aw," a bitter voice called out from the shadows, "aren't you two adorable."
Kurt stepped out of the darkness, a scowl on his face. He moved closer to the light, something yesterday would made his pale skin glow. But, not tonight, as Kurt now had a tan.
"You used that tanning bed," accused Finn.
"Oh boy, you caught me," countered Kurt. "Is my face red?"
"Do you two have to argue about this now?" Rachel screeched.
"Don't get mad at me," Kurt said. "Get mad at Whitey McSelfish over there."
Finn glared at his almost brother
"Kurt, you know better than anyone the sort of ecological footprint tanning beds leave." Rachel argued.
"Could you three please be quiet?" Jack asked, darting into the light.
He almost as tan as Kurt. Finn and Rachel rubbed their foreheads in confusion and partial disgust.
"So, that's why you didn't show up for the set list meeting?" Rachel asked her best friend.
"Did you two, at least, use it separately?" Finn inquired.
Jack and Kurt looked at each other.
"Hey, if it's a crime to save time and energy, well, lock us up and throw away the key," Jack proclaimed.
Rachel and Finn cringed.
"I almost don't want to ask," Rachel began. "Did either one of you bother to wear underwear?"
"Where's Brittany and Santana?" Kurt asked, changing the subject.
"They should be coming up in a few minutes."
Brittany and Santana soon joined their friends.
"Okay, we're all here," Santana said. "You have the key, Harmon?"
"Key? Does this company look like it was founded in the Middle Ages?" Jack asked. "We have retinal scans."
Jack punched in a code and placed his eye near red circle.
"Ah!" he screamed.
The door swung open.
"And viola!" he exclaimed.
The six teens entered the lower levels of HarmCo.
"This place is even creepier at night," Rachel said, pulling herself closer to Finn.
Jack surveyed the commissary, there were no guards. He waved the others over to the lead into the hallway.
"This place is huge," Santana observed, looking up and down the hallways. "How're we gonna find the cat?"
"Ahem," Brittany coughed.
Santana groaned and rolled her eyes at her girlfriend. "How are we going to find Miss Kitty Fantastico?"
"I remember," Jack said, "I was doing some high level business when I handed him off to the scientists."
Jack stepped closer to the vending machines, reaching behind one of them as if trying to dismantle the lock. He succeeded at something and a cache of candy bars began shooting out of the machine.
"That way," he pointed down the right side of the hallway.
The six kids raced down the hall, turning a corner. Jack grabbed the doorknob.
"I'm pretty sure this is the way to the animal testing lab," he raised his hand and silenced Rachel.
Jack opened the door and did not find the cat. Instead, he found a giant cockroach, sitting on the john and reading a USA Today.
"Hey!" the mutant bug shouted. "Somebody's in here!"
"Occupado!" the bug roared.
"Sorry," Jack whispered, shutting the door.
"Filthy humans!" the bug snapped.
"Okay, he's not in there," Jack said.
He turned and saw his friends in a protective group hug, giving him a collective "Thank you, Captain Obvious" stare.
"Right, I forgot to warn you guys, some of things you'll see in here are kind of weird."
Jack waved them out of their stupor and they followed him down the hall, where they turned down another one. This time, the hall was covered in doors.
"Look at all these doors," Rachel complained.
"I say we open doors until we find it," Kurt proclaimed, opening the nearest door.
His eyes bugged out and he turned away.
"I'm sorry; I didn't think anyone was in…"
Whatever occupied the room grabbed Kurt and dragged him in. The door slammed before anyone could react. Kurt screamed before being launched out of the room, the door shutting behind.
"What the hell was that?" Finn cried.
"Do you remember that fat kid from Monster's Ball?" screeched Kurt. "Let's get out of here."
Everyone nodded; Kurt's eyes still two sizes too wide for his head. Finn and Rachel quickly grabbed the shaking diva and led him away from the door. Jack stopped in his tracks when he spotted another familiar door.
"The Better or Worse room," he said, smiling. "I think this might be it."
Jack opened the door, Kurt, and the others, using Finn as a shield. This time, however, there were no mutated cockroaches or massive and terrifying former child actors, but something that looked like it could be a scene from an optometrist's office.
"Better or worse?" a doctor inquired to his patient.
The patient squinted his eyes, as if trying to read the letter board in front of him.
"Worse," he finally decided.
The doctor nodded, putting down his clipboard, and removing the patient's head. While the headless patient scratched his arm, the doctor retrieved another head from the table and pushed himself back to the waiting man. He affixed a new head on the patient's shoulders and turned him to the board again.
"Better or worse?"
Jack shut the door and turned his attention back to his traumatized friends. They started making their way down the hall, Jack continuing his tour.
"We're in the sensory testing area," he explained. "We should be in the general vicinity."
He was silenced as the sound of dogs barking filled the air. Not only was it doing that, but the barking was getting closer and closer with each passing second.
"What the hell is that noise?" Rachel shrieked.
"What noise?" Finn asked.
They all turned to see a pack of Dobermans running down the hall, straight for them.
"That noise!" Kurt exclaimed.
The six trespassers braced for a mauling, only to have the dogs pass right through them. Not around them, not under them or over them, but through them. The barking continued until the canines vanished from sight.
"They must be holograms," Rachel observed.
"No," Brittany interjected. "I think they were Dobermans."
Everyone did a double-take at the perpetually airheaded blonde.
"We've got a lot of ground to cover before morning," Santana said, taking the initiative. "I say we split up."
"I get Rachel!" Jack shouted.
"Damn it!" Finn snapped.
The six paired off: Santana with Brittany, Finn with Kurt, and Rachel with Jack.
"I don't know if this is a good idea," Rachel said. "But, we should come up with a cover story to tell the police if we get caught."
Jack snorted. "Don't worry. If we get caught, the police will never know about you."
"Great," Finn said. "Problem solved."
And with that, the group split up.
"Damn it!" Kurt snapped, realizing what Jack actually meant.
"Kurt, do you know why I think you're not giving up the tanning bed?" Finn asked as he and Kurt exited the room, a metallic sphere under Finn's arm.
Kurt arched a perfectly-waxed eyebrow at his almost brother.
"I think it's because you have a deep-seated resentment that the objects of your affection can not reciprocate in the manner you want them, leading you to believe that there is no one who can love in any way. And you kept the tanning bed because, for once in your life, you wanted to be selfish."
Kurt picked his jaw up off of the floor. "Where did that come from?"
"I don't know, it just came to me."
Kurt shook his head. "No, the silver thing, it's pretty cool looking."
"Oh, I found it in there," Finn said. "It's called an Epiphany Ball. Here, try it out."
Kurt took the ball.
"Oh my God, you're right, but goes so much deeper than that. It has nothing to do with you or Sam," Kurt declared. "It goes all the way back to my fears that everyone in my life would abandon me after I came out."
"Let me see that," Finn yanked the ball out of Kurt's hand. "Hey! All this time I've been killing myself, trying to get ahead in school and the answer was so simple."
"I wanna know too," Kurt shouted. "Gimme!"
As noted before, Kurt's grace and Finn's clumsiness makes for a terrible combination and the epiphany ball fell to the floor, shattering in front of them.
Kurt grinned sheepishly at Finn. "Sorry."
"Now what was I going to say?" Finn pondered. "Something about studying…a lot…Oh yeah, I study too much."
Kurt nodded and the two walked away.
"Still wanna take over this freak-show someday?" Rachel asked Jack as they entered the nuclear testing zone.
"Are you kidding?" he replied. "Of course I do. God forbid, I lose my voice. I've gotta have a backup plan."
Jack rested against the wall, the lower half of his body near the glowing reactor core.
"I'm gonna have a family someday," he continued. "And kids, lots of kids."
Rachel noticed the caution sign hanging over the green core. Jack, on the other hand, merely ran his finger across the sign and didn't seem to notice what it said.
"I come up here a lot to think about that sort of thing," he said. "I call it my 'thinking spot.'"
"Jack, is your crotch getting hot?" Rachel inquired.
"Rachel, you're a great girl, and, if you weren't dating Finn…"
Rachel grabbed her best friend and yanked him away from the core. At the same time, Jack heard what sounded like a cat's meow coming from the other side of a vent.
"Miss Kitty?" he called out, the meow grew louder. "He has to be on the other end of this vent."
Jack dropped to the vent's level and pulled the grate off of the wall. He managed to squeeze in, searching for the cat.
"Be careful in there," Rachel said.
"I have to do this, Rachel," Jack insisted. "Miss Kitty's just a poor, dumb, defenseless ani…"
Jack didn't have a chance to finish his sentence as he began to fall down the vent, screaming as he did. Rachel held her breath when he stopped screaming, he had to have hit the ground.
"I'm not done falling, I just ran out of breath," he shouted and began screaming again.
There was silence.
"I'm serious, B," Santana said. "If you're scared, we can go."
Brittany ignored her shaking friend.
"You can leave if you want to Santana," the tall blonde said. "I'm not leaving until I find Miss Kitty."
Brittany stopped when she heard grunting coming from another room. She and Santana opened the door, their jaws hitting the floor when they saw what was inside. It had the body of a hippo and the head of a monkey. It grabbed at the bananas hanging from a nearby tree.
"Is that Brittany and Santana?" Kurt asked.
The football player and the soprano rounded the corner and saw what Brittany and Santana were gawking at.
"What is that thing?" Kurt asked.
Finn stuck his head out of the door.
"According to this, it's a Monko-potamus," the slow-witted teen explained.
Finn moved into the room, his eyes locking with Brittany's. They knew what they wanted to do.
"Santana, Kurt," Finn said. "We're gonna ride it."
Finn and Brittany began to walk toward the creature, who pounded his chest in an aggressive manner. The two dullards of the glee club returned the gesture in kind. That seemed to annoy the Monko-potamus and it charged at them.
"Happy trails, dumbasses!" Kurt exclaimed as he raced out of the room, followed by Santana, Brittany, and Finn.
Unfortunately, they ignored Larry Grayson's advice to shut the door and the Monko-potamus followed after them.
After they lost the abomination against God, the four reunited with Rachel, who was still staring into the vent.
"Rachel," Finn shouted. "You are not going to believe what we just saw."
"It had the body of a hippo and the head of a monkey," Kurt explained, still stunned and kind of elated at that wonder of science. If you wanna call it science.
"Oh, yeah," Rachel said, with an air of remembrance. "The Monko-potamus. Room 220. Did he let you ride him?"
"No," Kurt said. "But, I have a tan."
Santana growled at the rehashing of this argument.
"Where's Jack?" she asked.
"I don't know," Rachel confessed, looking into the vent. "He fell through here, but he hasn't been answering me."
No sooner had Rachel said this did a door open and Jack appeared.
"Hey, guys, I'm okay" he said. "I blacked out and woke up in this one lab, but I'm fine."
Just as Jack finished reassuring them he okay, Jack Harmon came running around the corner.
"Hey, guys, I'm okay" he said. "I blacked out and woke up…"
The two Jacks locked eyes, the new one's jaw dropped.
"Ah, crap!" he said, racing off down the hall.
"Oh my God!" Rachel exclaimed. "They've perfected human cloning!"
"No," Jack said. "And they're a real bitch to clean up when they explode."
"Where the heck is Miss Kitty?" Brittany asked. "He's gotta be here, right?"
Brittany decided it was her turn to open the door, but Jack stopped her mid-motion.
"You can't go in there," he said. "That's Harper's office. He's the VP."
"Then maybe he'll have something we can use to find Miss Kitty," Santana said, pushing him aside and opening the door.
When the door opened completely and they saw the cat in the room, Mr. Harper playing with him.
"We'll go to the park," Mr. Harper said to the cat, swinging a toy mouse over Miss Kitty.
"Mr. Harper!" Jack exclaimed.
Mr. Harper sprang back, the cat chasing after the mouse as it hit the floor.
"Jonathan!" the old man growled. "Wait till your father hears about this! He'll not only revoke your clearance, he'll revoke you out of here permanently."
"You think you can talk like that to him," Rachel interjected. "Wait till his father hears about how you let him wonder around this place and how that made him sterile."
"I'm what?" Jack asked.
"I'll explain tommorow," Rachel said.
"Miss Kitty," Brittany cried, dropping to the floor to play with the cat.
Santana bent over as well.
"Hey, he can see," she observed.
"Of course he can see," Harper said. "We gave him a pill, he could see five minutes after he got here."
"He's fine then," Finn said. "I guess we'll be leaving."
"You can't take Parthenon," Harper cried.
"Why not?" Kurt inquired.
"Because I love this cat. That cat doesn't judge me, he trusts me, and he doesn't ask for anything," the older man explained.
"So, what makes this cat special is that he's just like every other cat on the planet?" Kurt asked.
"Get your own!" Brittany barked, scooping the cat up.
"No, I want this one," Harper shouted. "I tell you what, I won't tell Mr. Harmon about Jack's little adventure through here if you let me keep Parthenon."
"His name is Miss Kitty Fantastico," Brittany said firmly. "Right, Miss Kitty?"
The cat didn't react.
"Parthenon," Brittany chose instead, which made the cat purr against her chest.
"I'll call security," Harper declared, grabbing his Bluetooth. "That cat will never leave the building.
And that would've been the signal for security to swoop in and handle the kids. But, fortunately, Finn spotted another Ephinany Ball on Mr. Harper's desk.
"Hey," he said, "do you know what that is?"
"No, the R&D boys just brought it to me. I haven't had time to look over the literature."
"Pick it up, I'm sure you'll find it very enlightening."
Mr. Harper put down the headset and lifted the Epiphany Ball.
"If I don't give you the cat you're gonna beat the crap out of me," he said, the sudden thought escaping his lips.
He handed the ball to Finn.
"Yeah," Finn said. "And she," he pointed to Santana, "is a biter."
Mr. Harper walked over to Brittany, his hand outstretched to Miss Kitty.
"I'll miss you, Parthenon," he said. "Goodbye."
He petted the cat one last time and turned away. Kurt stepped forward as the others left.
"By the way," he said. "Combining the intestinal tract of a hippopotamus and throwing strength of a monkey. Not a great idea."
Kurt turned on his heels and followed the rest of his friends out of the room. When they were gone, Jack stood in the doorway, looking back at Mr. Harper, all the fight gone from the old businessman. Jack only had to step into his mind for a bit of guidance from his conscience before he understood what he had to do.
"I'll be your friend, Mr. Harper," he said.
"You can't just say that-"
"I'm a much better catch than a cat could ever be," Jack boasted.
"You'd play catch with me in the parking lot?"
"I'll meet you in the parking lot," Harper said. "And we can just let this little adventure slide, right?"
"I get to keep my clearance and you get a buddy?" Jack asked rhetorically. "Sounds fair to me."
Sue sat in her trophy-laden house, curled up in front of her television, the best of Sue's Corner playing, and her favorite book: Nothing Turns Me On More Than A Puppet by Sue Sylvester in her hands. It had to be the best book in the world. Every time she read it, she learned something new about herself. Which says a lot considering that she was the one who wrote the book.
Sue was jerked out of her concentration when she heard a strange noise in her backyard. It wasn't the sound of her sassy intern, Tyler, out in the woodshed. It sounded different. Reaching under her couch, she drew her Remington Semi-Automatic with the laser scope and a hair trigger.
She looked through the scope and saw the Monko-potamus in her yard.
"Hello, Dr. Zaius," she snarled, raising the gun, "we again, at last."
A/N: And that, ladies and gentlemen, is just a glimpse of the horror known as HarmCo. So, feel free to tell me what you thought of the story. Give me your reviews, your critiques, or your opinions.
A few things I'd like to know:
What did you think of the story itself? Furthermore, what did you think of HarmCo, the company? Do you think mentioning it can be running gag? Or was it best just show it once and never see it again? Secondly, what do you think of Jack's new character arc of trying to do the right thing, i.e. not blackmail or prank people, but always coming up short?
I look forward to reading your thoughts. And now, because I don't believe in goodbyes, good night, good afternoon, good morning, and good luck to all the people of the world.