Title: Beryl Writes
Word Count: 1,608 (300 original)
The original drabble was written for the LJ communited Sailor Moon Land. I went back and revised it heavily because I couldn't do in 300 words quite as much as I wanted to do.
Woke up from a several thousand year long stasis today. My neck's a bit stiff, but otherwise everything is in working order. Discovered we did, in fact, succeed in wiping the floor with the Moon Kingdom back in the day. This has put me in an incredibly good mood. Since Queen Serenity and her obnoxious daughter are dead, I've decided to send my generals to steal energy from the inhabitants of Earth.
I suspect it'll be too good to last. I mentioned this to Queen Metalia, but she's either sleeping, ignoring me, or listening to her iPod again.
I was right.
This "Sailor Moon" girl showed up and ruined everything for Jadeite. I suspected it was coming, but it doesn't make it any easier to accept.
And who the hell does she think she's kidding? I mean, if she's not the Moon Princess, or Queen Serenity herself, I'm a monkey's uncle. But I expect some laser-guided plot stupidity to overtake me in the next few days. I wasn't killed or anything; I was just put into stasis. My brain is fine, and I know there wasn't a Sailor Moon prancing around back in the day. And has anyone thought to ask themselves why girls from the Moon Kingdom would be wearing uniforms based on modern day Japanese school uniforms?
I hate feeling like I'm trapped in some shoujo manga.
Jadeite is incapable of dealing with a fourteen year old girl (I highly suspect she's lying about her age; only American teenagers have breasts that impressive). I don't know what to think. Someone's holding the Idiot Ball today, and it's not me, that's for sure.
Honestly, I don't quite know how I feel about him anymore. His Midnight Porno Line was pathetic, and his repeated failures are beginning to annoy me. How can you not be able to deal with a fourteen year old girl?
Must be a guy thing. Eugh.
Jadeite's incompetency is showing again. When I questioned him, he blamed it on Sailor Moon, which is unsurprising but irritating. Nothing annoys me more than someone who can't own up to his own shortcomings. I've told him several times now that he'd be better off killing the girl, but he's too stuck on this "monster of the week" formula. I'm letting it slide for now. On the other hand, he managed to convince half the women in Tokyo that they're all fat cows. Watching them kill themselves on treadmills has been hilarious. At least if we fail getting energy and Queen Metalia kills us all, I'll die knowing Japan's economy will tank because of the thousands paid out for knee replacement surgery.
So we'll see how this goes. I'm willing to give Jadeite a little longer to impress me. Of course, the other three are chomping at the bit, demanding to have a chance. But I swear, if Zoisite tosses his hair one more time and insists he's the best, I'm going to stab his eyes out with a rusty spoon. If I'm feeling generous.
Maybe I'll just sneak into his room and shave his head when he's sleeping. Oh, ho ho ho. This sounds delightful.
There are two of them now. This new one is calling herself Sailor Mercury.
Jadeite better pull it together. I am seriously unhappy right now.
Sailor Mars showed up today.
You better believe I wore my angry face when Jadeite showed up, begging for forgiveness and another chance. I'm about ten minutes from ripping his heart out, but that might be a bit too extreme. I mean, I can understand why he'd have a hard time fighting three fourteen year old girls in short skirts if he can't even manage one.
Good help is so hard to find.
Kunzite suggested that we take a preemptive strike based on their theme naming. He seems to think that if we nuke the other six or however many planets are in this solar system – honestly, I can't be bothered to care right now; I have more important things to be worried about – we might prevent other "sailor soldiers of love and justice" from showing up.
Personally, I like this plan. I'm all for this plan.
There's just one really huge roadblock in the middle of it: To blow up the solar system we need more energy.
The senshi tried to drop a plane on Jadeite today, and I have to say, I admire their style. There's something so Die Hard about dropping a plane on someone. Oh, sure, it's not shooting a helicopter with a car or anything, but it's almost as good. And that Bruce Willis… mm, his arms.
But I digress.
I finally lost it with Jadeite and punished him with this fun new spell I found. It's called "Eternal Sleep." It seemed sufficiently terrifying, and it was very cathartic. I'm feeling so much better about myself right now.
I may start doing this more often – killing incompetent idiots, that is. Nephrite, I'm watching you. But it seems like the lingering threat of death is a powerful motivator. Note to self: find more creative and horrifying ways to end someone's life. Perhaps with fire.
Nephrite made his debut today. I didn't really expect anything different than what had happened to Jadeite – my shoujo manga senses are tingling. That is to say, I'm still convinced I'm in one. And I'm beginning to suspect that we're somehow the villains. Look, we just need energy to live. How many people are on this planet? Can't a few die for the cause? You'd think we were killing babies or puppies or kittens for crying out loud.
This is my angry face again. A wedding Nephrite, really? Now you know why my shoujo senses keep going off. I don't understand what's so hard about crushing a group of teenage girls. At all.
The hell with my life. I think Nephrite has a crush on a human girl, Zoisite is squabbling with him, and Kunzite is nowhere to be found. I wish Jadeite was back. Sometimes I feel more like I'm babysitting a group of toddlers instead of ruling the Dark Kingdom.
For the hell of it, I killed a crony today. It didn't seem to faze any of the generals, which is unfortunate. They were the ones I wanted to send a message to. That's alright. I'll just start killing other random lackeys over the course of the next few weeks and see what happens. Maybe my generals will be motivated again.
I suppose I should be grateful that this human girl Nephrite is enamored with has boatloads of energy. He seems to think she's Sailor Moon. I just. I don't even. Sailor Moon is blonde. I guess I can't get too mad. At least he's doing something.
Also, I'm starting to wonder if Zoisite isn't really a woman. It would explain how he seems to PMS every month.
Everyone is suddenly up in arms about this "Silver Crystal" that Tuxedo Mask mentioned. My laser-guided plot amnesia is fading, and I've remembered that the crystal packs a wicked punch. Oh, and it's probably something good to go after. But instead of listening to me, Nephrite is prancing like a ninny after this human girl, and Zoisite is being a sniveling bitch again. He keeps slinking into my throne room and trying to drop hints that he "knows what Nephrite is up to" as though I don't.
I might kill him next just to shut him up.
Now Nephrite's dead and there are four of these stupid senshi. You'd think this would be easier.
So now we're after these "rainbow crystals." Seriously, I have no idea where that came from. More amnesia getting peeled away, clearly. I hate my life.
I have a massive tension headache, and when I went to the misuse today, she told me maybe I should work less. Work less? Less? How can I possibly work less when I'm surrounded by idiots who can't kill four girls in miniskirts and high heels?
Admittedly, killing the misuse might not have been the best idea, but man did it feel good. Zoisite better deliver.
How did I not know this was happening? I mean, seriously. How did I not know Sailor Moon is the bloody Moon Princess? Hello, I only spent all of my life trying to kill her and her goddamn mother so I could take over. Oh, and there was the fact that I wanted to steal her boyfriend. I mean, seriously, I should have been functioning with this knowledge the entire time. Like I keep saying: shoujo manga.
Whatever. They might have that damn crystal, but I've got Endymion. Now I can only hope Zoisite dies. He's being a bitch. Again. I don't know how Kunzite can spend as much time with Zoisite as he does.
It's been a while. Zoisite is dead (YAY!). So is Kunzite (BOO). Sailor Moon stole Endymion, the whore, and managed to break my hold on him. I suppose that's fair. Serves me right for buying from Evil Villain Mind-control Machines, right?
So she broke the spell and he saved her when I was inches from crushing her. His damn rose is still lodged in my chest. Instead of being upset about this, all I can think is CHEST BURSTERS!
Well, looks like Metalia's finally ready to rock this. I'll be back in about five minutes, after I devour Sailor Moon's pathetic soul. Bitches ain't seen shit with Beryl.