Play list for this story? Everything off of Underoath's new album, Disambiguation. It is pure epicness.
Disclaimer: Not mine. Not me. Not my.
Sam Winchester was not the type of person Castiel wanted to associate with. He associated with him because he had no choice when he had matters to discuss with Dean. Sam was tainted and Castiel did not feel the need to be around a being so tainted any more than necessary.
Castiel knew Sam was sorry for his actions, for his sins but that did not take away what he had done. A human that had associated with a demon was one that Castiel wanted to be around.
So Castiel avoided Sam as often as he could. When needed to discuss matters with Dean, he preferred to talk to the older Winchester away from Sam's ears. Castiel did not want Sam in the discussions between him and Dean. Sam's past had proved that he could not be trusted with the information.
He had arrived at the motel the Winchester's were holed up in, having important information for Dean. Finding himself standing in the middle of the small room, Castiel saw the Winchester boys jump in surprise at his sudden entrance.
"Man, Cas!" Dean fumed. "Warn us next time!"
Castiel did not reply. He tilted his head slightly to the side, his gaze focused on Sam.
Sam sat on the bed farthest from the door, his head hung low. His eyes met Castiel's for a moment but quickly focused on the floor again. Sam never met Castiel's eyes, almost as if he was ashamed to meet the angel's eyes.
When Sam's eyes quickly met his, Castiel could see the unshed tears and he knew that he had arrived in the middle of an argument. A quick glance at Dean proved that when he could see the red hue of Dean's cheeks.
Dean had been tough on Sam in the past months, not that Castiel blamed him. Dean had a right to be angry at his younger brother. After all that Sam had done, he had no right to shed tears at Dean's anger.
Sam deserved Dean's anger. His sins were great and many and he had no right to sit on the bed feeling sorry for himself.
Although, Castiel was beginning to experience an odd emotion. Could it be sympathy?
Shaking his head and moving his eyes away from Sam, Castiel focused on Dean.
"I have matters to discuss with you." Castiel said quietly.
"Then discuss." Dean said angrily. He was not in the best of moods.
With a quick glance at Sam, Castiel spoke quietly. "In private."
If possible, Sam's head dipped lower. His folded hands trembled gently in his lap. Castiel ignored the stab of compassion that flickered inside him.
Dean nodded and with a glare at Sam's dejected form, he motioned for Castiel to follow him out the door leaving Sam alone.
Castiel avoided Sam at all costs. He didn't want to be near someone so tainted and it troubled him that he was beginning to almost…care.
When he saw or heard Dean tearing at Sam's heart, it saddened and almost angered Castiel. Why was he feeling compassion for someone like Sam?
Seeing Sam struggle for redemption had before, made him feel nothing. He considered Sam's struggle to be fruitless, a waste of time but now, he was beginning to see a light in Sam Winchester that he had never expected to be there. Sam's constant struggle for forgiveness was…touching.
Castiel was troubled at his sudden caring. He fought to suppress it. He had a job to do and he could not be impeded by Sam Winchester.
Against his best attempts, Castiel could not stay away from Sam as much as he had previously.
He found himself spending more time with the Winchester boys, helping them in hunts and convincing himself that that is all it was. He was there to help Dean, Sam just happened to tag along.
He fought to believe that.
Castiel noticed more now. He noticed how tired and weak Sam had begun to look. Sam's constant struggle was wearing him thin and Dean was too wrapped in his anger to notice.
It troubled Castiel that he was the one to notice Sam's plight.
Castiel noticed Sam more now. Dark smudges were constantly under his eyes and his once fluid movements now consisted of him stumbling over the smallest of obstacles.
Dean didn't notice and that troubled Castiel even more. If Dean wasn't noticing, why should he be noticing? He didn't care about Sam Winchester, didn't care about his struggles…did he?
Dean didn't leave Sam alone. He was constantly breathing down his back, yelling at him for the smallest mistakes made whether they be hunting or simply getting the right food from a diner. Dean could not seem to forgive his brother for his sins and what was grating at Castiel more and more each day he spent with the boys, was the fact that Sam was taking the abuse. He never lifted his head to respond to Dean's anger, never attempted to defend himself.
Castiel was sickened with himself at the anger that coursed through every inch of his being when he saw Dean strike Sam.
Castiel had arrived at the latest motel with more information for Dean. When he showed up, he arrived just in time to see Dean's fist collide violently with Sam's cheek.
Sam hit the ground hard, coughing up blood. Dean had not held back and he had hit Sam with the hardest hit he could muster and it angered Castiel. How dare he hit Sam?
Castiel didn't even stop to ponder why he was so angry at Dean. The anger that coursed through him would not allow him to think of anything else.
Castiel stood motionless in the middle of the room, his vessel's body trembling as anger rolled off him in waves. Dean's hate-filled hazel eyes looked up and widened in surprise at Castiel's obvious fury.
"Cas…?' Dean began.
"Leave." Castiel hissed menacingly. The gentle hiss was more terrifying than the loudest of screams and Dean found himself backing away, obeying Castiel and walking out the door, leaving Sam broken on the floor.
Turning surprisingly gentle eyes on Sam, Castiel felt an ache in his heart at the sight of the youngest Winchester trembling on the dirty motel room carpet. The ache surprised him but he ignored that surprise for a moment.
He felt the urge to move closer to Sam but he remained where he was.
"Are you alright?" Castiel said quietly, unsure of how to comfort the broken Winchester who was slowly pulling himself off of the floor.
Cradling his jaw Sam nodded, his eyes focused on the floor.
He still cannot look me in the eyes.
Castiel did not know why that saddened him. He had not too long ago wished Sam to stay away from him, not caring that Sam felt remorse for his actions but now…now he was saddened that Sam felt so low that he could not even meet the angel's eyes.
"Why did he hit you?" Castiel found himself asking when inside he was questioning why he cared enough to ask in the first place.
Sam shrugged before turning from the angel and rummaging through his duffel that sat on the edge of his bed. Castiel knew that he was not looking for anything in particular, just trying to ease the awkwardness of the situation at hand.
In a move that surprised Castiel more than anything he had previously done, Castiel moved forward and placed his hand gently on Sam's shoulder. Something sparked inside Castiel at the touch but he could not quite put a finger on it.
Sam startled at the touch, his dark eyes slowly looking at the hand that rested on his shoulder.
"I feel the need to apologize to you, Sam." Castiel alleged earnestly. "I have wronged you in the past and I apologize."
Sam swallowed, turning around. Castiel's hand fell from his shoulder.
"I uh…I…thanks." Sam said, his gaze lowering. The familiar sadness reappeared in Castiel at Sam's inability to meet his gaze.
Castiel was confused at the emotions he was feeling around Sam Winchester. It was almost what he had heard called…butterflies.
But that could not be it, Castiel assured himself. Butterflies were associated with a crush, a caring for someone that exceeded friendship. It was not butterflies. Castiel ignored the emotion. It was not important.
Sam had not become any less nervous around Castiel since their encounter a week before. He still shuffled nervously whenever the angel was around, his eyes still held the ashamed look they always had.
Castiel contemplated his growing emotions for Sam Winchester. He had gone from not wanting to be near such an abomination but now, he felt remorse for his feelings, guilt for the way he treated Sam and guilt for the way Sam was so nervous around him.
Guilt at the way Dean was treating Sam, as if it was Castiel's fault because it was his fault. He had treated Sam as a second hand citizen, causing Dean to do the same. He had treated Sam as an abomination, telling Dean of Sam's sins and unsurprisingly, Dean had begun to believe him.
Sam was wearing thin. Dean was breaking Sam into small pieces day by day and it unnerved Castiel at how much it hurt him to see Sam's agony.
Waiting for the Winchester's to finish packing their bags so they could head off on another lead on the Horsemen, Castiel saw Dean shoot a glare Sam's way.
"Could you hurry up, Princess?" Dean said shortly.
Sam nodded, his trembling hands having trouble packing up his belongings. He looked exhausted, Castiel noted.
"Sam!" Dean yelled when Sam didn't move fast enough for him. "Hurry up! What, you don't want to come attempt to help me and Cas fix what you started in the first place?"
Sam froze and Castiel gaped. What could have possessed Dean to say such a thing? How long could he stay angry at his brother?
Castiel knew these words and actions from Dean were only out of worry. When Dean was angry, he yelled, he swore and he hit. Sam, the sensitive Winchester, did not benefit from Dean's anger. Castiel knew that Dean thought that being tough with Sam would knock some sense into the youngest Winchester.
Although, his knowledge of how Dean dealt with worry did not ease Castiel's anger because he was aware that Dean's words would not help Sam, they would only break him.
While Castiel wanted nothing more than to pummel Dean into a bloody pulp, he blamed himself most of all. He had started this. He had put into Dean's head that the angel's hated Sam and that Sam was unable to gain redemption.
Sam's whole body joined his hands trembling and in a blink of an eye, he was out of the motel room, slamming the door behind him.
Castiel spared an angry glare at Dean before running out after the distraught Sam. Catching up to Sam quickly, Castiel grabbed Sam's shoulder, impeding his progress.
"Sam, stop!" Castiel plead, turning Sam to face him. Sam angrily jerked out of Castiel's grip.
"Why are you doing this!" Sam fumed, tears rolling down his pale cheeks. The bruise from Dean's blow still evident. His eyes were dull and lifeless, dark marks painfully obvious underneath them.
"Doing what, Sam?" Castiel asked confused.
"Acting like you care!" Sam screamed back. His voice cracked as it reached such a high pitch. Castiel placed a steadying hand back on Sam's shoulder when the young man swayed from exhaustion.
"I am not acting." Castiel replied quietly. He didn't blame Sam. After the way Castiel had treated Sam in the past, who was he to expect Sam to believe that he regretted his words and actions against the young man.
"Yes you are!" Sam screamed, his voice echoing off the cars in the parking lot they were standing in. The door to Sam and Dean's motel room opened and Dean stood on the threshold, obviously surprised at Sam's raised voice. From where he was standing, Castiel could see the remorse in Dean's eyes. Dean said things without thinking when he was upset and sadly, Sam was usually the one caught in the crossfire.
"You don't care!" Sam continued. "Nobody cares! I'm nothing anymore. I'm not Sam Winchester, I'm not Dean's brother, I'm not even worth it to God." Sam's voice had dropped, as did his head. His entire body continued to tremble with a combination of anguish and exhaustion. He fought to turn away from Castiel but the angel tightly gripped the sides of Sam's face, holding him in place. At the contact, Castiel felt the not-butterflies erupt again.
"Stop it, Sam!" Castiel ordered gently yet firmly. "You are worth it! I do care! God will always care! You, despite your flaws are worthy of His forgiveness and you have received it."
Castiel could tell Sam wasn't believing him. The now butterflies spread throughout Castiel's entire body and before he knew what he was doing, he was convincing Sam in a way that Sam could not deny.
Shoving the suddenly limp human against a parked car, Castiel pressed his lips hungrily to Sam's, a soft groan escaping him. Sam didn't fight Castiel's advances but surprisingly returned with the same desperate need that Castiel did, his hands clutching at Castiel's coat.
Castiel knew he had hurt Sam in ways he couldn't even imagine and he was determined to rectify his actions.
Whatever it took, Castiel would make up for any and all hurt he caused Sam Winchester.
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