The Zeppo's Replacement

By: mmooch

Summary: Xander's replaced in the Scoobies. Crackfic!

Warning: I don't know; maybe language and innuendo somewhere along the way. Cheesy sexual innuendo.

Timeline: season 7 'Selfless' for BtVS.

Challenge: for the story 'Agents of the C.O.A.' on Twisting the Hellmouth (TtH) site. .org/Story-10658/Saturn+Agents+of+the+C+O+

A/N: I had to do it, okay?

Disclaimer: BtVS characters belong to Joss Whedon / Mutant Enemy. The Marx Brothers belong to their parents. I claim no rights to any copyrighted material. Please do not copy or take this story without my permission. Dialogue from .


Buffy's living room

Staring down her best friend, Buffy Summers, the Vampire Slayer – who wasn't in police custody like the other Slayer – growled angrily at Xander Harris, the group Zeppo, "Do you remember cheering me on? Both of you. Do you remember giving me Willow's message: Kick his ass."

The team witch – although, if she wasn't practicing magick, could she still be called a witch? – Willow Rosenberg, started to complain, "I never said that-"

Everything/everyone suddenly froze in place.


Seconds later, the courageous agents of the Crossing Over Awards (C.O.A.) burst through the door, decked out in their meticulous black suits and rushed to Xander's side, preparing him for transport.

The narrator for this switch-out began her explanation, "Alright, folks, Mr. Harris is needed in a Super!Xander fic a couple stories over. There he will save ten fandoms simply by existing; another three will be saved by the melodic tones of his voice…"

Here, the poor narrator choked back the bile that was rising in her throat. When she looked back down at his paper, she declared, "Hell, no! I refuse to read this next part!"

The team supervisor scowled at the subordinate and reminded her, "It's in your contract; either you say it, or you're fired!"

The narrator glanced at the paper again, and shoved it in the supervisor's hands. "Then you'll have to fire me, 'cause I refuse to read that!"

A tiny voice squeaked out from the supervisor's side, "Sir? You can't fire the narrators; they have tenure that's more secure than a college professor's. Why don't you transfer her to 'All-Powerful Willow relocations' and call in a Xanderphile narrator to finish this one?"

After considering it for a moment, the supervisor asked the narrator, "Does that work for you?"

"Absolutely!" the narrator practically chirped, thinking of all her Willow action figures at home, and how the other Willow-lovers in her fanwanking group would tear themselves up in jealousy at her new assignment.

Seconds later, the president of 'Xanderphiles Unite' popped in, using his Xander-honing power. "Eee!" he squealed, "I'm doing a Xander transfer!"

Snatching the paper out of the supervisor's hands, he picked up where the other narrator left off. How did he know where that was? Because he listened to any transfer that involved moving Xander to a Super!Xander fic. He, himself, dreamed of all sorts of ways that his hero could escape those ungrateful bitches who just didn't understand how lucky they were to bask in his holy presence.

Oh right, he was supposed to be narrating! "Finally, in a feat that only Xander the Beyond Great could handle, he saved 5000 fandoms by converting the evildoers – whether male or female – to the side of Light, using only his pulsing manmeat of goodness to hypnotize them for an orgy that lasted decades!" the Xanderphile narrator gushed wistfully. Oh, to be an evildoer in one of those fandoms!

A few of the other people in the squad were wondering how to be transferred with the other narrator, but managed to keep from rolling their eyes as they wheeled Xander out of the room.

"Bring in the replacement Zeppo!" the supervisor called out, ignoring the cry of indignation of the new narrator at the derogatory term used for Xander.


Once the man was placed in position, the C.O.A agents disappeared, and the scene resumed.

"I forgot what I was going to say," Willow finished, shaking to clear the confusion. These flashes were starting to bother her. She knew they weren't magick-induced, but she kinda felt like she lived on an etch-a-sketch sometimes.

Buffy looked at her Xander-shaped friend – Wait! Didn't his shape used to be different? – and said, "I'm sorry about Anya, but-"

He cut her off, saying, "I understand, Buffy. And I know the key to destroying her forever. We'll sit her down and explain to her the necessity of shared community property. I'll remind her that 'Capital is dead labor, which, vampire-like, lives only by sucking living labor, and lives the more, the more labor it sucks.'* Crushing her belief in capitalism will defeat her more than a sword to the heart."


Back in the supervisor's office, the team looked at the scene in confusion. The supervisor called down to personnel and asked, "Why is Zeppo Marx talking about the benefits of communism?"

"Oops," came the startled reply of the personnel director. "There's been a mix-up; I thought you wanted Karl Marx. Did you want me to track Zeppo down?"

The supervisor looked back at Karl stating his communist views to the vengeance demon, Anyanka, who promptly dissolved into a pile of gold coins. Karl picked the coins up and handed them out to the passing college students. "Eh, no worries. He managed to take care of the problem without any bloodshed."


A/N: *I don't own Karl Marx or his ideology either!