AN: This story was originally published in 2007 on Gurabiteshiyon under my main pen name, Bakayasha. I am in the process of updating older work to reflect my current style of writing, however this story is in it's original format and has not been updated since it was originally written almost 4 years ago. Let's just say my current work is much better. ^_^
Disclaimer: I don't own Gravitation.
Additional AN: Due to the fact that this is posted on Media Miner and I have gotten a flame about how this is an attack on other peoples writing, I have to put this here so that some of you don't get the same idea. This was created on a strictly comical basis, and is in no way intended to be a way for me to tell others what to write about. I was discussing with a few other readers and we have found that there seem to be trends of popular story lines and plots. This is partly where this story came from. Also if you would look through my fan fictions I have done a numerous amount of things on this list. Such as the yaoicest, using the wrong number of cars, drug addictions, giving them pets etc. and so forth so please don't take this story to heart and try and think of it as it was intended to be thought about; a light "what-if" kind of story about our favorite fandom. Thank you. Enjoy.
This story is also available here in French. It is being hosted by Patpat. Stupid site won't let me use URL's for some reason so just search her name if you want to read it in French.
"The red light's on, is it- does that mean it's recording?"
"In what world does the red light on a camera mean anything BUT recording you moron? You're on TV every five seconds for Christ's sake, you should know what the bloody red light means!"
"You didn't have to be so mean about it! …Sooo It's recording right?"
"Oh, uh okay we can edit that out later.
Hello! I'm Shuichi Shindo, lead singer of the super popular-"
"If by "popular" you mean "annoying""
"Would you stop being such a jerk and let me finish!"
"Thank you! Now where was I? Oh right, I'm the lead singer of the popular band Bad Luck, but more importantly I'm also the main character in the very popular Boys Love manga and anime series Gravitation by Maki Murakami. I'm sending this message out to you our fans, but more specifically to those of you who draw fan art of us and to those that write about us in fan fictions. Eiri and I have been surfing the net, looking at your art work and reading some of your stories and we have to say that a lot of it is rather good, but-"
"If by "rather" you mean "sickly perverse" and by "good" you mean "pathetic" *mumble*
"Eiri stop mumbling! If you have something to say to the fans then come say it on camera you big chicken! Sorry about him, he's a self obsessed literary type who's camera shy!"
*Eiri nonchalantly walks onto the screen*
"I'm not camera shy, I just prefer to insult and bad mouth people who indirectly pay my bills from afar, but since you're so adamant about this I'll give them my two cents.
*sits down in the second chair beside Shuichi*
"Now as my insufferable counterpart was saying before is that we have been looking at your disgusting pictures of us, and reading your twisted stories. Yes, you heard me correctly, we've seen and read all that crap you fan girls just can't seem to get enough of, and we are here to let you all know that we're tired of it! I mean where do you sick people draw the line?
Not only is the majority of it perverse, but on top of that we keep seeing the same trite storylines from you ladies-"
"And from you boys too!"
*Eiri looks back at the camera*
"Yes boys too I guess… So to remedy this and hopefully change a few things, here is a list of fifteen complaints and suggestions that we, the cast of Gravitation have come up with to help you help us solve this problem…that you created with all your free time and perverted thoughts. Read this before starting your next fan fiction and we should be on the right path to reclaiming some scrap of our bloody dignity…
1. Stop killing Shuichi, or if you must kill him, then get creative! Think freak tanning bed accident, or some kind of blender related tragedy. I mean come on, he's dumb, but he's not as dumb as some of you people make him out to be. I mean even he's not stupid enough to get hit by a bus -driving on the road where it's supposed to be and he is not.
2. Stop making me the reason that he's getting hit by that bus. I mean come on what could I possibly be doing in the middle of the street that would make him forget about the Mack truck hurtling down the road towards him at 120 km and hour? Jerking off on a saucy Latin prostitute from Tijuana? I mean really…
"Why do you make that sound as though you've done it before?"
"…Just shut up."
*Eiri clears his throat*
3. *sounds bored* We as a whole would like to see a general decrease in the killing of other characters as well, except for Aizawa or that stupid Ryuichi…or my family members, they could all go straight to-
"Eiri! Stop it! We don't want them to kill anybody, not even Aizawa! And especially not Ryuichi!"
Alright alright fine, we want you to stop killing everyone. There are better ways to get angst points and sappy reviews out of our lives then by offing us in one cruel manner or another…
4. STOP giving me amnesia! I had a hard enough time learning to tolerate this little retard and all his fucking friends on my own the first time he showed up claiming he was in love with me, I don't need to go through that shit again okay? In fact if you're tempted to do it, then go back and forget I said anything in bullet #3 and just find some way to kill me. Trust me your fans will love you for it, you'll get a bunch of reviews to nurse your little ego and I won't have to come over to your house at 2 a.m. and smother you in your sleep with your Kumagoro plushy. Everybody wins.
5. *sigh* The general consensus from the rest of the crew if that they want you to stop giving them amnesia as well. Especially Ryuichi, because even I think that's just cruel. The poor guy doesn't remember half the shit he knows now on a regular basis, but if you go and take that away from him he's pretty much done for. Go ahead and forget I mentioned bullet #3 in his case as well, should you be tempted to write it anyway. Besides if you go and give everybody amnesia then there will be nobody left who knows what's going on and who's who to tell all the people you gave amnesia to who don't know. What if we all suddenly forget we're gay and there's nobody there to remind us? That wouldn't work out so well for you now would it? *smirk*
6. Don't give us any pets. Me especially. I hate animals. Actually I hate people too, go figure…
Just because it's cute doesn't mean I'll grow to like it eventually. I know you all like to draw that parallel between my relationship with the animal and my relationship with Shuichi, and how I didn't like Shu at first just like the pet, but then I came to love him so I should likely grow to love the animal too or some bullshit like that, but I have come to throw a little kink in your garden hose of predictability; I can't fuck the cat, okay? Call me crude, but it helps me like something just a bit more if I get a little sexual gratification out of it to make living with it and listening to it bitch all day long easier. I can't get that from an animal so stop giving them to me…unless this animal is a hot woman in which case e-mail me and we'll start to talk details.
Fine! No women either…
7. I have two cars. Not three, not five. Two. I have a Mercedes SLE and a SAAB Cabriolet. Get it right. It would be nice if you gave me more, but really, you never write me actually driving any of them so there's really no point.
8. Shuichi wants me to tell you that when you write AU, please stop making him the typical, "into everything kinky" rentboy and me the cop. He says that story line got old a looong time ago. I disagree, because sex is sex especially when I get to role play, but he does have a point. Every one of those stories is the same. Shu says "Why not try making Eiri the prostitute and me the cop?" What the hell is this Shuichi this wasn't here before!
"Well why do I always have to be the whore!"
"Let's examine that one shall we? Because you dress like one as it is? Because you have sultry whoreish hips! Because your cherry red lips and invitingly hot ass are already so perfect that I should be paying for them as it is? Take your pick!"
"You think I have sultry hips and an invitingly hot ass?"
"Arggh! I was just making a point brat!"
"So you don't think you should be paying me to have sex with you then?"
"Not on your life."
"Thanks for the complements."
"You're welcome…Now back to the list…"
9. Please watch a few hours of the discovery channel before you go writing an M-preg fic, of all fucking things. There are so many things wrong with this one that I don't even want to touch it, so to simplify lets just say that men can't have babies no matter how much you want them to and even if they could, Shuichi wouldn't be able to get pregnant because I would have seen to it that whatever it is that allows such things to happen was cut off…or out depending on what it is…So just stop.
10. Stop with the drug thing! Yes rock stars do drugs on occasion and yes Ryuichi is fucked up in the head and would make a good candidate for a cocaine addict, but please don't make Shuichi into a coke head just because I'm giving him a rough day alright? There are a lot of things that can get people into drugs and me yelling at him for being to noisy and sending him crying to Ryuichi's place isn't one of them.
11. Hiroshi and K would like to address that while they appreciate the enthusiasm you give over them fucking each others brains out, K claims to be straight and Hiro says he is not completely adverse to the situation, but would like more logic behind them being paired together.
12. Shuichi the cutter stories. Again, the same thing. This is over done, and is never given proper reasoning behind it. Cutting yourself just to feel your skin tear and your angst and depression overwhelmed and blocked out by physical pain is wonderful for those that feel they need to do it. Shuichi and Ryuichi are never given a proper reason for doing it and they ask that you given them more of a reason then "being depressed" for doing it. Make me into a physically abusive drunken animal who fucks him so hard that he bleeds. That might make him want to cut himself. Make Ryuichi so messed up in the head with childhood sexual abuse and trauma that he needs to cut his wrists and Kumagoro's… and shoot up with heroin.
But me being my normal self, even for an extended amount of time will not make Shuichi into a cutter.
13. Exploring the Kitazawa angle. I have a personal vendetta against people who make stuff up about Kitazawa and I having sex before the night I killed him. The first and only time he tried something with me, was that night. I didn't give him blowjobs after class and he never fucked me for getting bad grades. It was one night, he fucked me and my head over then handed me over to a bunch of big dudes for ten bucks. Then I killed him. End of story.
14. The yaoicest fics are really starting to drive us insane. Do you have any idea how fucked up that is for us?
Tatsuhas my little brother! Why is he always fucking me! And why does Tohma have to help? That's doesn't make any sense…Actually now that I think about it, I seem to be pretty submissive in those situations…I hate you all.
Yes we got written into doing it together (in more than one volume…) in the remixes, but that shit never happens in the canon story line. If this is something that simply cannot be changed then at least get us completely shit-faced, ass backwards drunk, or high on something before you do it, to make it seem more real. That's all we ask.
15. And finally, we all want to address the suicide thing. Please make sure you lead up to it properly. A lot of us here have been "written out" so to speak in this way and we would all like to tell you that most of the time, there isn't really enough of an explanation as to why we are doing it. I hate to sound cliché here, but What's our motivation? Why are we doing this to ourselves? And in the case of Shuichi, you can't just say "Well Yuki is really mean to him and drove him to this," because that's a crappy excuse to kill him off. His ass is way to fine.
"ha! I knew you liked my ass!"
"Would I fuck it at every possible opportunity if I didn't like it you moron?"
You need to crumble Shu's entire world before he would off himself.
Here is an example of what would drive Shuichi to check out early.
First, get me into a giant ten car pile up and make me contract the dreaded amnesia. Then work slowly towards my cerebral recovery and just as he helps me remember who I am and how much I love him, find some critical injury I sustained in the crash that can be exploited as a way to kill me off. Then have his family assassinated by ninjas, very messily. After that you can add that our apartment is blown up by terrorists, and that his contract with NG gets ripped up and burned right in front of him by Ryuichi himself. Then you can say that he slits his wrists over the bathroom sink, crying my name as his life slowly slips away a- Hey I should write that down, that would make a great storyline for my next book!
Anyway my point here is make sure that if you're going to have us kill ourselves make it worth it and make it believable. Is that really to much to ask?
"Wow you were really thorough with that "destroying my life" thing Eiri…like you've thought about this before…"
"Well I had to think about it sometime before I wrote this right?"
"I guess, but didn't  Gackt say that there aren't any ninjas in Japan anymore in that Moon Child movie?"
"So you said that they should have my parents assassinated by ninjas and I-"
"Just leave it alone already. I just said it to kill time okay? If you want I can tell them that they should have your parents trampled by your own rabid fan girls. Would that make you happier?"
"…The ninja's are fine."
"That's what I thought."
"Because I've gone and made him all depressed again, (no he's not going to start doing drugs or cutting his wrists. He'll be fine after a good screw and some chocolate milk…happens all the time.) Shuichi will not be doing the outro to this video. I will be. And the only thing I have to say to you is read our list, and don't fuck with us anymore the you have to or you'll be sorry. Have a nice life.
 Okay for those of you who haven't seen Moon Child, you need to. If you watch it then you will laugh at this and if you haven't go watch it so you can laugh at this…It's to hard to explain if you haven't seen it.