What's up, my suckers? (I was gonna print bitches, but I prefers suckers. I find it more demeaning.) You wanna know where you're at? Okay, fine.

You've stumbled upon another non-canon fourth-wall-breaking character blog, this one belonging to me, Kokonoe. Just Kokonoe. I got popular enough to get my own blog. WHEEEEEE! Yeah. I'm gonna open up with a disclaimer of my own, (clears throat) unlike Little Miss Prissy Vampire's blog, this blog is rated M for a reason. "But, Professor!" you might be thinking, "The Blaz Blue games aren't rated M!" Ha! Aren't you the least bit amazed as to the amount of shit we've gotten away with for a T-rated series? I mean, my god, I thought game raters would be a little more anal about things like . . . well, you know. But yeah, this little blog spot is rated M because I said so. If that bothers you, then leave, or go back to Little Miss "I hate everyone not as privileged as me!" vampire chick. Oh, also, even though this is an M-rated blog, there's no porn of any kind here. If that's what you thought you'd find here, then look somewhere else, bub, cuz I ain't gonna cater to your guro BDSM femmeslash fantasy. Sicko.

I should establish myself away from Rachel so that I don't look like a ripoff. Rachel is only interested in answering questions she feels are worthy. Me? I wanna help out the readers. That's what I'm here for, to provide free civil service through a blog. There's a couple of things I can help you out with, for I have expertise in many different fields: building cyborgs, staying away from the eyes of the NOL, filtering out spam, removing pieces of omelette off of a skillet, which flavors of lollipop taste the best, among many other things. I'll cover one subject at a time. For today, we'll start with the most obvious: help you play Blaz Blue better. Yeah, I know that's grammatically incorrect, but it's my blog, so deal with it. This is not the inner sanctum of a perfectionist, self-obsessed loli after all. And now for some random tips to give out. These are not submissions, but things people have asked when it comes to wanting to get better at Blaz Blue. Let's do this.

Tip one. "Dood, whut thuh phukǃ? I cant git past Jin's ice cars! He's phuken overpowered!"

Really? You're struggling with his special move where he charges you? It's a pretty dicey move; he strikes you once, then hits you again to chain a combo, but seriously, he's not overpowered because of that. There is something you can do if he does this, it's called BLOCKING. Yeah, you know how you can nullify a lot of attacks by blocking? Well, Jin's so-called Ice cars can be blocked. Believe me, I've seen Tager block them, then counterattack immediately afterwards. It's not hard, so if he can do it, so can you. Oh wait! There's another way to deal with the Ice cars! Jump over him! Yeah, double jumping is not impossible for most of the fighters! (Note to self: find a way to make Tager double jump without compromising his stats.) Hell, Tao can triple jump, and Rachel can practically fly with her Silpheed drive! It's not the end of the world if he decides to do that over and over.

Tip two: "Carl keeps pwning me! How thoughǃ? He's just a shota!"

Ah yes, Carl, a very tricky fighter, no doubt about it. I think I might know why he beats you; he has two "avatars" if you will, himself, and Nirvana/Ada. I don't know of any other fighter where one character had two avatars, so that's probably what's throwing you off. There is something you can do when fighting him, check both sides of the screen at all times. That's all, really. Also, while he loses no health, attacking Nirvana/Ada is a good idea, for if you disable it, you leave Carl wide open to attack. Kinda like how if you wanna shoot the general, you should shoot the horse first. Or doll person, in this case.

Tip three: "Okay, so I want to main as Noel, but her normals are totally weak compared to everyone else's, and her poking, zoning, and high/low mixing suck too. How can I master her 5A and 5B combos without getting too many whiffs?"

Okay, I have no idea what the fuck any of that is supposed to mean. Just because I'm a woman of science doesn't mean I'm all-knowing. Yeah, I know, that must be really hard for some of you to believe, but it's kinda hard for me to help out when you're speaking in really, really esoteric terminology. I think I now understand why fighting games have slipped out of the mainstream; anally obsessive gamers took over the genre's fanbase! (sighs) How tragic. Believe me, I'd be all for helping you "main" Noel or anyone else from the game, but you gotta phrase it in a way I can understand it, because if I can't understand what you're saying, then we've got a failure of communication, tu comprende? Let's hope so.

Tip four: "Click here to learn how to stay hard for 96 hours straight!"

(sigh) I really need a new spam filter. And every other "tip" I came across is either spam, or someone overloaded with esoteric words like the third tip. Well, you could always look up a strategy guide, provided that isn't also filled to the brim with double-speech.

Oh yeah, I know I can receive feedback, but it's very unlikely that I'll respond back to anything you might send my way. Unlike Rachel, I don't need fanboys and fangirls constantly feeding my ego to keep me from killing myself, and as such, I'll update this blog just whenever. I don't need a kissass to prompt me to update this. On the plus side, Little Miss Blondie has already given me permission to use any submissions that she doesn't use on her non-canon series. So all of those questions that were too awkward for her, but more suitable for someone like me? Yeah, I can handle that. God knows I already did that once.

But speaking of questions, should I receive something I feel like answering? I will give you the Kokonoe Responds Omake! (YAAAAAAAAAAAAY!)

This first question actually originated on Rachel's channel, back when all I had was my "pilot" (Chapter 15 of her blog, go read it if you haven't. It's a hoot). Now onto the question itself:

"Dear Prof. Kokonoe.

First of all may I say you're as attractive as Lady Rachel in my opinion."

(pffft sound) Ha ha ha! What standards of attraction are you operating underǃ? Unless you like "exotic" looking women, I fear your standards might be a little too low to think something like that. Although to our credit, we don't look as fake as my one-time partner Litchi. Big breasts? Big deal! Anyways, what were you saying?

"here's my question.

What missions do you normally give Tager and do they include menial tasks? If so please give me a complete list so I can laugh.

Signed,

The TriOblivion."

A complete list, you say? Alrighty. Well, as you've seen in the story mode, Tager does all the legwork for me that isn't already covered by Lambda. I obviously can't fight toe-to-toe with the likes of people like Ragna, but he can, hence why I trust sending him off to do stuff. In addition to that, I also have him solve complex equations whenever I'm too lazy to reach for my calculator; people with processors-for-brains are great for things like that. He's also great for moving things around the lab, and even re-arranging furniture. I tell you, movers just aren't appreciated in today's world, but at least I realize that, hence why I keep Tager around. One last thing that Tager does for me is his Kelsey Grammer impersonations. Granted, he can't mimic the voice of the late (in my time) actor, but have you listened to the way he speaks? Such eloquence! Oh great, now I'm starting to sound like the Rabbit. But yeah, Tager talks like Dr. Frasier Crane, minus the snobbery and reverence for Freud. (Penis envy my ass!) Now do you feel jealous for not knowing someone as handy as Tager?

Oh, and one last thing; I'm gonna print spoilers for the canon Blaz Blue series here. If you don't want to spoil yourself, then don't read beyond this first chapter, simple as that, because after this, anything goes.