"What's the matter, Kokonoe?"
Some jackass sent me a letter that's addressed to Rachel. Hello!? Did you not see her big retirement episode!?
"Perhaps the sender is trying to coax Miss Alucard out of retirement? Didn't she say she would come back if she received a strongly worded response?"
Oh yeah, that's right! We should forward this to her, but before that, let's go over the whole thing, just to make sure it's worthy of Little Miss Blondie.
"Dearest Madam Rachel Alucard,
You are a rude, elitist, and condescending individual. In short, a bitch, an unpleasant person, a meanie. My question is, if you have such an unattractive personality, why are you one of my favorite ficitonal characters of all time?
Okay, okay, let's make a comparison. There's a Korean graphic novel (manwha) series out there called Kurokami. The main male protagonist is a Japanese guy named Keita Ibuki. He is rude, selfish, and condescending. In short, an asshole, an unpleasant person, a bully. And yet, unlike with you, I. Absolutely. Fucking. HATE. Keita. You see, he's supposed to be like the 'gruff yet caring' archetype you see in action-driven serials, yet fails miserably. Picture Ichigo Kurosaki, but with none of his positive traits; that's what Keita is. (fortunately, the anime version of Kurokami makes him much more tolerable, but that's irrelevant.) You yourself are a riff of the 'stoic goth vampire', yet you do it better than everyone else! What's your secret?
Oh, and before you speculate, no, the reason I like you more than Keita is not because you're a woman. I'll have you know that blonde women are not my type, (barring rare exceptions), and while you are much more visually striking compared to him, that can't be it either. What is it about your inner nature that makes me acknowledge your flaws, and yet makes me say, 'I love her!' at the same time? (Not romantically. I can't form a romantic crush on someone like you.)
Yours lovingly, Vile01."
Dude, this letter is way too good . . . you don't think . . .
It's possible, but I'm not sure. It could be a legitimate entry. Nonetheless, I want you to run an errand for me.
(The scene is Rachel's backdrop. Rachel Alucard, Nago, Gii, and Valkenhayn can be seen outside when Tager teleports in.)
"Goodness gracious, one of Sector Seven's lab toys found its way here. What on Earth could you possibly want?"
"Kokonoe instructed me to pass a message along to you." (holds up papers)
"Gii, bring them to me."
"This had better be worthwhile, cyborg, otherwise, I will punish you myself . . . hmpf, yet another syncophantic fan with delusions of interacting with me. Is this all you came here, for?"
"Kokonoe suspects a, what did she say? She suspects a 'troll' authored that, maybe Terumi, maybe not."
"Hmm, that's an interesting proposition. This is better worded than some of the entries I received. But mind you, I am an observer. I can't bother myself to go looking into every strange transmission that goes on."
"You got all of that, Kokonoe?"
"Indeed. Lambda, go to the source of wherever this email came from."
The silver-haired android was teleported away. Within a few moments, an audio channel was open. A voice spoke, but it was one no one recognized, "Uh oh, Koko! Another original character just appeared on your blog! Guess you know what that means!"
Kokonoe gritted her teeth, "Ugh! Which one are you working for!? Terumi!? Relius!? Answer me, damn it!"
The mysterious voice said, "None of them, thank God. I serve only myself, but I find it timely that I showed up now. Didn't you show dis-interest in continuing your blog not too long ago?"
Kokonoe creased her eyebrow, "Yeah, I did, but how do I know you're not either Terumi or some new flunkie of his?"
The voice responded, "Rachel can vouch for my word. We have spoken before. You do have a line open to her dimension right now." His tone changed, "Hello, sweetheart. I hope you're still not bitter about me manipulating you into doing that Q&A series, are you?"
Rachel bit her lip, "I would prefer not to be reminded." She then made a sly grin, "Oh yes, that party you invited me over to, I didn't tell you what I thought of it. It was a bore."
The voice snapped, "What!? But it was Gensokyo! And we got to interact with all those other girls that don't exist in my home dimension!"
Rachel continued, "Yes, but you see, I'm not like you. I am not entertained by girls created to be diversions for men such as yourself. Girls with 'cutie-pie' faces are to me what clouds in the sky are for men without wings. In words you can comprehend, out of reach and of no importance, so why bother obsessing over it?"
There was a pause in the radio. Then the intruder (of this realm) said, "Oh, can't go a day without insulting someone, can't you? Well, I can say it must suck for you, not being able to-" There was another pause. The man spoke, "Oh my God, they found me. I don't know how, but they found me. RUN, LAMBDA!"
The signal cut off. Kokonoe barked, "Lambda! Lambda, respond, God damn it! Rachel, I hate to ask a favor, but-"
"-I will deliver Valkenhayn, Red Devil, and myself to #11's last known location. You have my word." The three (plus Rachel's familiars) were teleported away.
The vampire, the werewolf, and the cyborg found themselves in a strange dimension. "Is this . . . Izayoi?" Rachel pondered.
Just then, Tager shouted, "Lambda!" He rushed to the fallen body of the Murakumo unit.
"Combat system extensively damaged. Unable to engage teleportation ars magus."
Valkenhayn observed, "Shouldn't there be a young man here, as well?"
"Oh, you mean that god damn shitty fanfic writer?"
It was an all-too-familiar voice. "TERUMI!"
But then another figure appeared, one in an opera mask, "I had just disposed of him. I remembered to scan his memories, unfortunately, there was nothing useful in them. All I saw were visions of either young girls making 'adorable' faces, or extensive notes on how scarring of an experience it was watching reruns of Walker, Texas Ranger."
Rachel solemnly stated, "He remained a child with a moe complex until the very end."
Valkenhayn added, "But still, Terumi, and Relius!? You have some nerve showing your faces here, attacking like so!"
Terumi taunted, "Oh what? You still mad over what happened? Come now, dogs don't have memories that good! Why don't you be a good little doggy and SIT!" He shot his snake-chain at Valkenhayn.
Valkenhayn instant-blocked, then charged at the mastermind in wolf form, knives and snake-chain in hand. The two dueled, yet somehow, Terumi gained the upper hand. He had knocked the butler off his feet, "Damn! I can't . . ." he showed signs of strain, "Go on. Madam Rachel, I am truly, sorry." His eyes closed.
"VALKENHAYN!" Rachel screamed. She faced the man, "Yuuki Terumi, I don't care what tricks you have, I don't care if I will die too, know that this is what I wanted more than anything else!" She flew right at Terumi, when,
"Ignis!" A red doll teleported from behind Rachel and knocked her down to the ground.
Terumi brandished his knives and jumped at the vampire. Before he could land, a large fist knocked his body far away, "GAAAAAAAAH!" He cried out, as he slammed against a wall. When he got up, he saw Tager taking a fighting stance, "No fair, devil! I was just about to carve into her!"
Tager said, "Remember, all's fair in love and war!" He then reached for Relius, shouted, "GIGANTIC TAGER!" and subsequently pummeled the puppeteer.
Yet the moment he landed, Terumi performed a high kick that sent Tager flying high into the air by himself. When his body crashed, he whimpered, "Kokonoe."
Terumi chided, "Ugh, what a bunch of pests!"
Relius, somehow looking unscathed, commented, "But they would make for fascinating specimens! We're on a roll, Yuuki!"
In the distance, two figures entered. A man in red and a cat had walked in. The man, obviously startled, asked, "What the hell? What is this place?"
The cat said, "I dunno, meow, but something smells off!"
The man's eyes widened in shock, "Rabbit!? Butler man!? Tager!?"
"A HA HA HA HA HA HA HA! Welcome back, Rags!"
Ragna immediately brandished his sword, "I should've known; only you could be capable of shit like this."
The cat reacted, "Agggggh! It's Mean Guy!"
Terumi narrowed his eyes, "You still let that vermin travel with you? Nevermind, I can't take alllll the credit for what you see here!"
Relius stepped forward, "What does go through your tormented mind, Ragna the Bloodedge? I'm curious to find out."
"Shove it, puppet freak! I'm had it up to here with our war!" His voice dropped an octave, "I'm ending this here and now." He then shouted, "BLOOD KAIN!" His body had a black outline, and he charged at Terumi.
Terumi got caught in a melee, "Dance, partner! Dance!"
The fight continued, but it left Ragna sapped of strength. His "Blood Kain" ran out, "God, damn it! I can barely move!" He was struck by Terumi's knives, "EEERAAAAAAAGH!" he collapsed.
"Always the same, Rags. Seriously, mix it up next time!"
Not far from Ragna's collapsed form was an enraged Tao. Her teeth were jagged, and her eyes were squinted, "You hurted Nice Guy, reow! Tao will make you pay for what you did, (hiss)!" She took a fighting stance.
Terumi cried, "Ahhhh! Fucking cats, I hate them!"
Relius snapped his fingers, "Ignis, dispose of the beastkin clone!"
The red puppet moved like a seesaw, and connected to Tao, "Ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow!" Tao lied on the ground, "Tao has owies everywhere. I need, sleep now."
Terumi applauded, "Brilliant performance yet again, Mister Clover!"
Another figure approached the twosome, this one overly muscular, "What a strange aura! What did I stumble across just now?"
Terumi groaned, "Oh God, not this bozo again!"
The man's face became alert, "HALT, EVILDOERS!" The man struck a series of poses, "Swift as a coarsing river! Possessing the force of a great typhoon! Having the strength of a raging fire! And mysterious as the dark side of the moon! Bang Shishigami has come!"
Terumi took his hat off and bowed, "Impressive! You've learned to rip off words from a long forgotten children's film! Pretty soon, you'll be able to master not being a goddamned weirdo, too!"
"I will not be swayed by your poisonous words, you scoundrel of a villain!" Bang formed a fighting stance, "Prepare yourselves!"
Bang attempted to take on Terumi and Relius at once. Their blows struck and struck, with no victor in sight. At one point, Bang put distance between himself and his enemies, then chanted, "Shishigami Ninpo: Hidden Arte-"
"Ignis!" Relius commanded. The red puppet teleported and attacked Bang as he was preparing an attack.
"Guh!" Bang tried to stand up, but was assailed by Terumi. Grimacing, Bang narrated aloud, "With my final breath, I curse the name of Yuuki Terumi." He fell, then enunciated, "Thud."
Relius frowned, "I hate to imagine how spacious his intellect must be."
Terumi smirked, "Well, given how infinite stupidity is,"
Before he could finish his sentence, a morass crept up from the ground. It was what appeared to be a black puddle wearing a mask. It spoke, "A_e, Azu_, Azure, _re, Azure, yo_ have A_e. Devo_, mus_ devour, EH HEH HEH HEH HEH HEH!"
Terumi threw his arms up, "Oh right, this freak. Try to make this one a little less boring?"
He fought with Arakune. The duel went on and on, yet eventually, Arakune fell, "WHY WHY WHY WHY WHYYYYYYYYY!?"
Relius smiled, "A subject this tainted by the Boundary is sure to complement my research!"
Right then, the distinctive plop plop plop of high-heels shoes was heard. A woman appeared, brandishing a pole, "Hazama, I should've told you sooner, I never planned to stay with you permanently. This was only for Carmine's sake, but, I guess he couldn't be saved after all."
Terumi snarked, "Some partner you turned out to be, Litchi. The moment your bargaining chip dies, you turn on me! Then again, I'd have to be bugfuck retarded not to see this coming." he glanced at Relius, "I need a break. Deal with this one for me."
A battle broke out between Litchi and Relius. Try as she did, she couldn't keep up with his attacks and maneuvers. She was overpowered eventually. She crumpled to the ground, "Geh! Kokonoe, why?"
Terumi yawned, "This is getting boring. How many more of them are there?"
What looked like a short girl with long, thick blonde pigtails appeared, "Oh look, it's these dorkmunches again! You still looking to bad touch us, pervs!?" "Uh, Luna, that's Hazama and Relius Clover! They could hurt us!" "Luna knows that, tardo! But they're still pissing me off! I wanna rip 'em a new asshole!"
Terumi gripped his hat, "Geez laweez, talk about a bad break! I'm almost starting to pity you, Trinity, being trapped in there with those shitty little brats!"
The girl snapped, "Shut up, freak! Or Luna'll make you shut up!" She brandished a wand with a heart on one end.
"Oh, by all means, do!" The two clashed. She fell. (Obvious outcome is obvious.)
Platinum, before fainting, said in a much more mature voice, "Yuuki, your betrayal, will doom us all."
"Or free the world of all its lies, but hey! It's just all a matter of perspective, right?"
"Hold it right there!" A new voice cried out.
Terumi's eyes lit up, "Oh! Miss Noel Vermillion! I had grown to miss you! How's life treatin' ya?"
Another voice yelled, "Don't talk to her like that!"
"And the squirrely beastkin is here, too? Oh, this is just too much for my heart to handle!"
Noel approached Terumi and recited, "You are both under arrest, for crimes too many to list! Offer yourselves in, and no one will get hurt!"
"What she said!" Makoto added.
Terumi looked downcast, "Oh, what's this? Trying to end the party already?" Makoto charged him, but evaded her attacks, "Won't you at least let me invite one more person!? Relius, you know what to do!"
"Already on it!" Relius affirmed. He snapped his fingers. Another figure appeared, this one wearing a black uniform.
Noel and Makoto stopped facing Terumi, "Tsubaki?" They proclaimed unanimously.
There was no emotion in Tsubaki's eyes, face, nor voice. She stared at her friends, "Noel, you were the one, who took away all that I hold dear."
Noel looked despondent, "Huh? No, I would never do that to you!"
Tsubaki drew her blade, "I have but one option available to me."
"Snap out of it, Tsubaki!" Makoto demanded.
Tsubaki ignored those words, and attacked the two. A one-on-two fight broke out between the former students. Makoto complained, "I really don't wanna do this, so when we're done here, you owe us Chinese takeout!"
On the sidelines, Terumi commented, "I love being the puppetmaster. I now see why you would take that title literally!"
"GYAAAAAH!" Noel cried. Her body was limp from the pain of the battle.
"HYAAAAAAAH!" Makoto yelled, as she rendered Tsubaki unconscious.
A slow clap echoed, "Bravo, Miss Nanaya! You actually are willing to hurt your pwecious human fwiend to save yourself!"
"Oh, right. You guys are still alive." Makoto stated. She was covered in bruises and blood, yet still standing. She raised her fists, "Guess this ain't over till the fat lady sings!"
"In your state!? HA! I'll just get this over with before I get bored."
She charged at Terumi. The man evaded or parried every one of Makoto's blow, then knocked her down with a flurry of his own attacks, "YEOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOW!"
Relius said, "Tsubaki wasn't as useful as I hoped. Puppets are much more reliable, wouldn't you agree?"
"WHAT HAVE YOU DONE WITH TSUBAKI!?" A man cried out. A man in a blue uniform, "Good God, why is everyone lying around half dead? Tsubaki!" He knelt down to her form and felt her face, "Your pulse is weak. We'll have to get you to an infirmary."
"Oh, this is gooooood!" Terumi interrupted, "Mister, 'I don't give a rat's ass about anyone, but when Tsubaki's involve, I have to be a true knight!' What delicious contradiction of the self!"
Jin stood up, his hand on Yukianesa's hilt, "Is this your idea of a joke? Because I'm not laughing. You ought to study comedy before you go about spouting such lame attempts at jokes."
"Indeed, Terumi." A distorted voice added, "Your farce has gone on long enough." The figure was in a full white suit of armor.
"Oh dearest me! Have I struck a nerve with the two of you? Looking back, I suppose I have, not that I give a shit either way."
Hakumen instructed, "Leave Terumi to me. Deal with the traitorous member of Sector Seven first."
Jin took up his sword, "Fine, but leave some for me when I'm done." he faced Relius, "You, puppetmaster, anyone in league with Terumi is as good as dead!"
Relius grinned, "I'd like to test that theory of yours!"
As that was happening, Hakumen traded blows with Terumi, "You're still slower than molasses!" Terumi taunted. He knocked down the swordsman right then, "A shame. If you were still like in the old days, you might've actually stood a chance! Life's a bitch, is it not?"
Elsewhere in the empty space, Relius and Jin were dueling. At one point, Jin managed to freeze Relius in place. "DIE!" He shouted, his sword raised, ready to come down.
Yukianesa did not strike Relius right then, for Jin's form was knocked down by a teleporting Ignis. "AAAAAGH!"
Jin and Hakumen had been rendered unconscious, like everyone else. Terumi noted, "That's just about everyone, isn't it?"
Relius replied, "All but family, yes."
As he said that, a boy dressed like a gentleman approached Relius. He was accompanied by a tall doll-like construct. His eyes were narrow, and his face was serious despite his age, "Father, I see you're up to your old tricks again."
Relius observed, "Oh Carl, if you could only understand my plan, my vision!"
Carl said, "I know what you're planning, Father. You want to seek perfection, godhood, some abstract concept that cannot be physically grasped."
Relius chuckled, "You may be a genius, but you're still a boy; still so naive, still so simple."
Carl rose his voice, "If anyone's naive, it's you!"
"Ha ha ha ha! You certainly have gotten good with words, I must say!" He raised his head slightly, "That fire in your eyes, you have murderous intent, no? Are you really willing to kill your own father?"
Carl responded, "I made up my mind; I don't care if you are, if Sis and Mother are to be avenged, you must be put down!"
The puppeteers danced with their puppets, exchanging blows. The battle raged on and on, until finally Carl crumbled, "Egh! Sis." He cried wistfully, before falling down.
Relius looked down, "As I said, still so naive."
Terumi said, "That should be all of them, provided no other muscle men, beastkin, or any crossdressers suddenly show up."
All across the ground, numerous fighters had been beaten down. Some were still conscious, though unable to stand. Ragna and Rachel were next to each other. Rachel leaned over to Ragna and whispered, "Ragna, it would appear that we are in a most precarious situation."
"No shit, Rabbit."
Rachel's voice was still low, "We still have a trump card up our sleeves. It will require all of us to act at once."
Ragna muttered, "Trump card? At this point?"
"Precisely. All of us still conscious must do the following."
Ragna heard something. He questioned, "Will that really work?"
"It is our only hope now."
Ragna shrugged, "Uh, okay."
He spread the word to the other downed warriors, amid cries of, "That's stupid!" "Seriously?" "I see."
Rachel spoke up as best she could, "Everyone, on the count of three, I want you to speak in unison. One-"
"-Is unison something I can eat?"
"-Ke_ you_ hands a_y from L_hi you m_thbrea_g imbe_e!"
"HELP US, PROFESSOR KOKONOE!"
"My sense of shonen cliches is tingling! I must now go to where I am needed!"
Relius surveyed the carnage that lay before him, "Such specimens! This will accelerate my work at an unprecedented rate!"
"A shame about the blood everywhere, though."
Just then, Kokonoe shouted, "GUESS AGAIN, SUCKERS!"
Far away, Kokonoe approached, but she wasn't on foot. She was piloting what looked like a mechanized armored suit, one that had to be about six meters tall, and weighing a few tons. HERE COMES A NEW CHALLENGER!
Terumi laughed, "AH HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA! THE DAUGHTER OF JUBEI AND NINE HERSELF! FINALLY COME TO CARRY OUT VENGEANCE PERSONALLY!"
Kokonoe sneered, "I remember back in Valkenhayn's story mode, he told me the only reason I haven't been made playable yet is because of balance issues. I'm to be saved to rescue the franchise, should the need arise, but right now though, I'm gonna do what my daddy should've done a long time ago."
"What? Rip off the ending of Aliens?"
"No; make it so your hearts stop beating!" She charged at the duo, but her path was blocked off by Ignis. Her mechanical arm and the arms of the arm were in a deadlock, "This doesn't involve you, sweetheart. Carl would prefer not to see you completely destroyed, so back down, would you kindly?"
Kokonoe's ride armor directed a knee joint at Ignis, which knocked it down. She flew at Relius, who summoned clockwork arms. Kokonoe jumped out of the rider armor just as it was crushed, and pounced the puppeteer. She repeatedly punched Relius on the ground, then kicked off his body, spin-jumping through the air, finally landing on her feet. "Absurd!" Relius spoke, as he noticed his opera mask was cracked.
Kokonoe glared at Terumi, "Wanna give up now, while yer still alive?"
"A HA HA HA HA HA HA HA! AND STOP WHILE THE CARNAGE IS JUST GETTING GOOD!? HELL NO!" Terumi took off his hat, revealing his spiky lime hair, "LET'S DO THIS!"
The two went at it, striking back and forth. Kokonoe was using Ars Magus, while Terumi was using his weapons. They were evenly matched. The battle raged on for some time. At one point, Kokonoe hopped away. She began charging up a ball of energy in front of her. Terumi taunted, "What's the matter? Too scared to keep fighting up close?"
Kokonoe replied, "Wrong and wrong." She flung the ball of energy at him. An explosion consumed everything. When all was said and done, nothingness remained.
The space had become completely white. Kokonoe looked around, trying to find something other than herself that was in the white background. She saw something, a figure approaching her. The figure drew larger and larger. When she could tell what it was, she cringed and look away, "Get out of here. Don't you fucking start with me."
The mystery man said, "I know what yer feelin'. Ya hate me. That's fine; you have ev'ry right to."
"I said don't start!"
"Koko, child, I never wanted this fer anyone, leas' of all you. If I could go back, and actually be a father to you, and a husband to yer mother, I would, swear to God. But life haz a way of not allowin' you to live out the perfect life, ya know? I know ya want me gone as quickly as possible, so lemme just say this; if ya do just one thing fer me, it's this; never do something that you'll come ta regret. Can ya promise me that? If you can avoid repeatin' the mistakes of my generation, well, that's probably the happiest thing you could do fer me."
He then groaned like he was picking up something heavy, "I gotta deliver this 'fanficcer' feller back to wherever the Sam Hell he came from. Once I do that, ev'rything will be back to the way it waz; no weirdass blogs, no out-a-character nonsense, no meta head-spinnin', just pummelin' and trash-talkin', the way the world outta be. I'm not sure you'll even remember this conversation. If not, just do what comes nat'ral, okay? See ya at the last battle."
He turned around and walked off.
Kokonoe was seated with the heads of Sector Seven, to conduct yet another meeting. She dreaded these, not only for how boring they were, but also how pointless they were. On the other hand, she usually didn't have to be that attentive, so during the meeting, she could brainstorm up ideas for dealing with the enemies of the world.
[Author's Note: Well, there you have it, the end of Help Us, Professor Kokonoe. I am now burned out of all ideas for Blaz Blue fanfics, and I mean completely burned out. I suppose it makes sense; if you count Ask Rachel Alucard, I've been writing these Blaz Blue fics for almost three years, and I don't have as much enthusiasm as when I started. For those hoping to read more of these, well, you'll have to look elsewhere, because I'm done.
With that said, these two fics were my most popular, and I appreciate the support I've received. It means people actually care about my writing, even if it's frivolous as Hell! XD I wish I had more to say, but I don't, so I'll end this by saying that it was worth it. Every moment of it.]