Disclaimer : I don't own Transformers, 'Dick in a Box' or the original idea for the song being used around the bots. All I own is my boredom, twisted mind, and my spare time with which I wrote this.

Note : The muse for this story just hit me randomly, but it came from Tatyana Witwicky's Guidelines for Living with Giant Robots.

Summary : Sam is trying to decide what to give Mikeala for their anniversary when he's sent a Youtube video that gives him a rather...horrible idea. However, before he can talk himself out of it, Tai's at his side, talking him into it. Will Mikeala enjoy it? I'm pretty sure Tai will.

Legend :




Rule # 43: Never play 'Dick in a Box', on Youtube.

(Normal POV)

What to get her? What to get her? Sam Witwicky typed quickly, searching web page after web page. He looked at diamond jewellry, undoubtedly a girl's best friend, but also not a man's. He didn't have the cash for diamonds, despite the hefty accounts the government had given to him, his family, and his friends, since becoming a part of NEST. He wasn't going to spend government money on an annversary gift for his girlfriend.

Next, please. He searched through girlfriend-friendly items, and cringed at some of the web pages that came up. Ick, just a little bit too friendly, thank you. Shaking his head, he thought about stuffed animals. Flowers seemed to be a safe bet, but Mikeala...wasn't the normal girlie girl, despite how she might seem at times. She was an accomplished mechanic, and was even an assistant for Ratchet now.

Then his eyes widened, and he began looking through web pages with lists of different tools, and very nearly buried his forehead in the keyboard. "Geez, who knew being a mechanic was so complicated?" He looked at socket wrenches, but anything to do with 'wrenches' only made him cringe, thinking of the medibot she trained under. He checked out different hammers, but if she didn't like the gift, there were far too many ways she could use one against him.

Hacksaws were a bit much.

Screwdrivers, maybe?

With a sigh, he groaned and minimized the page, before opening a second and heading straight to his email. I need to take a break. He checked his updates, and could have cringed to see the quick email from Mikeala. I try to take a break, and there she is again. Laughing slightly, Sam opened the email, read the quick, sweet message, and replied with his own, before clicking on the next one.

That's about when Leo popped in his door, with Miles in tow.

"Heya, man! What'cha up to?"

Sam glanced over his shoulder and rolled his eyes. "Bidding goodbye to my privacy."

"Melodramatic, see?" Miles dropped onto Sam's bed, tossing the pillow at Leo in the process. "But seriously, what's up? How's the search for the perfect gift for the former Jock Concubine?"

"Her name is Mikeala, Miles. I don't get your obssession with- No, you now what? I don't want to know what goes through that twisted brain of yours. To answer your question..." Sam turned back to his computer and clicked on a link one of his friends had sent him. "I'm taking a break for a moment. Mechanics is apparently a lot more complicated than I thought.

"Mechanics?" Leo raised an eyebrow. "A girl who knows how to wield a torque wrench." With a smirk, the man let out a joking moan, before ducking back when Sam threatened to whack him with his keyboard. "Relax! I'm just joking!"

Shaking his head, Sam sighed a little as the Youtube page opened, and a video popped up. Reading the title, he quickly clicked the pause button, before the video could play. Oh man, that looks disturbing... He raised an eyebrow, however, biting his lip.

"What is it?" Leo leaned over his shoulder. Suddenly, he laughed. "Oh, dude! I watched that earlier! It's sick, man! Freakin' sick!" Before Sam could move, Leo poked his finger on the mouse, playing the video.

As the music started, Sam couldn't resist his curiosity. He watched as Spongebob and Patrick sang back and forth, eyes widening with amusement and horror. The further into the video it got, the more he heard his friends laughing behind him. At Squidward's ass shake, however, it was his turn to start laughing his ass off. By the time the video ended, even Tai was in his room, and the four of them were collapsed in useless heaps of laughter.

"Oh man, could you see Mikeala's face if I did that?" Sam wiped tears from his face.

Miles and Leo cracked up again, but it was the look Tai suddenly adopted that caused Sam to sober quickly and stare at her warily. "Why not?" She cackled evilly and straightened. "You, Leo and Miles should perform that for her!"

"You're on something." Sam shook his head and turned back to his computer. "I need a serious gift. One that won't end up with me castrated."

"I didn't mean as a serious gift, you douch! I meant as a gag gift! You perform that-" She pointed to the video. Then she paused and leaned over, typing something quickly in the search bar and bringing up a new video. "Or rather that, and then you can give her the real gift."

"I don't even know what to get her for a real gift." Sam groaned, shaking his head. He watched the new video, and honestly, he'd be lying if he said he wasn't intrigued. Do I wanna know how she knew about those other videos? It'd be humiliating as hell, but also hilarious as hell at the same time. Just a glance over his shoulder at the guys proved they'd be in on it, too. "I don't know..."

"Look, I'll help you get her a great gift, if you agree to do it." The look on Tai's face could only be explained as maniacle, but he hesitated.

"What kind of great gift? Preferably nothing that explodes, or exhudes noxious gases, or makes rude sounds..." He trailed off pointedly.

Rolling her eye and optic, Tai sighed and grabbed his hand, pulling him to his feet. "Do we have a deal or not?"

He glanced at Leo and Miles, both of which looked all too eager to play along. Then he glanced to Tai. With another sigh, he shook his head and groaned. "How the hell do I let you keep talking me into these things? Fine. Deal."

Tai squealed and Sam winced, already second guessing his decision, but helpless to stop it as she dragged him out of his room.

(A Week Later)

Mikeala chilled in the main rec room, sitting on a human-sized couch. She watched tv, frowning, and looking annoyed. No one wanted to say a thing, though, because the look on her face promised many painful things if they did. She stared at the television, huffing darkly. I gave him his present already, and he blushes and babbles... Her eyes burned threateningly, believing he'd forgotten, but she refused to let any tears slip by.

Then, she startled, as Sam, Leo and Miles all walked over, carrying presents at their waist level. They stood in a line in front of her, blocking the television, with Sam just in front of the other two, and all three were a rather unhealthy shade of red in the face. They wore suits, their hair slicked, and wearing sunglasses.

"Sam?" Mikeala straightened, her eyes immediately going to the box he held, and somewhere in the back of her mind, she realized she'd be staring at his crotch, if the box wasn't in the way. Shaking her head, she raised an eyebrow, her eyes going to Leo and Miles. Their presents confused her. "You do realize it's..." She paused, about to slip up and tell him exactly what day it was, but settled for glancing at the boys with confusion.

Then she felt the couch dip, and turned to see Tai sitting next to her with a smirk.

"Ohhhh, I should have known." Mikeala sat back with a smile and a shake of her head. Any thoughts that Sam remembered flew from her mind, when Tai produced Frenzy in radio mode and sat the little bot in her lap. "Okay, what's up?"

"Hit it, boys!" Tai called, catching the attention of every human and bot in the room as she pressed a button and music sounded.

Sam leveled her a dirty look. "I. Hate. You." He muttered, before swaying on the spot, in time with the music. Then he looked at Mikeala.

Hey girl.

I got somethin' real important to give you.

So just sit down and listen

Sam made a face and scooted closer, his face turning even redder, if that was possible. He wasn't actually singing, that's for sure, but the lip sync was startlingly spot on. He crouched down awkwardly in front of Mikeala and grabbed the extra large, fake rose Tai handed him, brushing it over the side of Mikeala's face as he smiled, a true smile.

Mikeala smiled back, even though there was a niggling thought she recognized this song and really didn't want to be on the receiving end of it. She couldn't place it though, and took the novelty rose from Sam with her smile fixed firmly in place.

Girl, you know we've been together for such a long, long time.

(Such a long time)

Now Miles popped in, mimicking the second voice with a flourish, even as he and Leo clutched their presents with smirks.

And now I'm ready to lay it on the line.

Wow, you know it's Christmas, and my heart is open wide.

(Open wide)

Gonna give you something, so you know what's on my mind.

(What's on my mind)

A slow feeling of dread began to creep up Mikeala's spine, as she raised an eyebrow. She watched as Sam stood straight, and three guys swayed back and forth, side stepping. "What are you guys doing? And Sam, just for your information, it's not Christmas."

They kept singing like she hadn't said a word.

A gift real special, so take off the top.

Sam stood forward, presenting her with his box. Although, it was funny and awkward as hell when he thrust his hips forward to do it. She reached out to take the lid when his next words made her own face turn red as a beet.

Take a look inside. It's my dick in a box.

It's in a box.

Mikeala's eyes widened in horror, as multiple people began to laugh. Sam's face turned so red, someone could have probably friend an egg on it, and Leo and Miles weren't too far off from it, though the two of them had rather large shit eating grins on their faces as they removed their hands, letting the boxes bounce around at their waists.

Mikeala recoiled with a gasp, before groaning. "I should have known..."

Not gonna get you a diamon ring.

That sort of gift don't mean anything.

Not gonna get you a fancy car.

Girl you gotta know you're my shining star.

Sam leaned forward, trying to get Mikeala to open his box, as the boys danced around behind him, but Mikeala stubbornly shook her head, her face burning hotly. "Sam, stop!" She hissed, although she giggled a little at the ridiculousness of the scene before her.

Not gonna get you a house in the hills

A girl like you needs somethin' real.

Wanna get you somethin' from the heart

Something' special girl.

It's my dick in a box!

My dick in a box, babe.

It's my dick in a box!

Oooh, a dick in the box, girl.

"Open it." Tai hissed with a cackle, her eye and optic wet with tears from the force of her laughter. She clutched Frenzy closer to her. "Come on, open it!"

"Yeah right! What Sam and I do in our private time is no one else's business!" She hissed back, giggling herself. "Get it out of my face, Sam!"

"Oh, come on. You afraid you might like what's inside?"

Mikeala cracked up at the implications, and everyone in hearing range went along with her. Shaking her head, she nudged Tai's metallic arm.

See I'm wise enough to know

When a gift needs givin', and I got just the one.

Somethin' to show ya that you're second to none.

With a laugh, Sam removed his hands from the box, causing Mikeala to groan in embarrassment and slap a hand over her face with a muffled laugh. He wiggled his hips in her face, until she blindly swatted the box out of her face, leaning on Tai from the force of her laughter.

To all the fellas out there with ladies to impress,

It's easy to do, just follow these steps.

1) Cut a hole in the box.

2) Put your junk in that box.

3) Make her open the box.

And that's the way you do it.

"Open it, Mikeala!" Tai was shoving the girl gently towards Sam, as Leo and Miles mimicked the men from the video.

Poor Mikeala looked ready to crawl in a hole and die. Even Jazz, Bee and Barricade were laughing their afts off, while the other bots began discussing the pros and cons of a human femme receiving a human mech's mating parts in a box.

Lennox struggled to explain the video, but more than once lost himself to laughter as Miles and Leo bumped boxes and began dancing again, and Sam just shook his own junk in Mikeala's face.

It's my dick in a box!

My dick in a box, babe.

It's my dick in a box!

Oooh, a dick in the box, girl.

Christmas! Dick in the box.

Hanukkah, Dick in the box.

Kwanzaa, a dick in the box.

Every single holiday a dick in the box!

"Mikeala's afraid of a little present!" Tai squealed in laughter, ducking out of range of the mocking swing Mikeala took at her. Then she leaned in with a smirk. "Oh come on, you might be pleasantly surprised. You might like what's in there." She repeated from before, hinting.

Then, as if realizing what she'd just said, Tai shook violently. "Eww, bad images!"

Sam was panting from the force of his laughter, even as Mikeala eyed the gift thoughtfully. He sang along with the others, dramatically, waving his package in her face, before cackling again at it.

"Nice package, Sam!" Epps called from the other side of the room.

"Hey Mikeala, from the size of that box, you go girl!" A female soldier called out with a laughter.

It didn't seem possible, but Sam turned even redder.

Over at your parents' house, a dick in the box.

Mid-day at the grocery store, a dick in the box.

Backstage at the CMA's, a dick in the box!

Finally shaking her head, Mikeala reached out and pulled the lid off the box with a flourish, causing men and woman alike to squeal excitedly. She glanced in warily, only to blink in surprise. Reaching in, she ignored the puns and jokes suddenly filling the air as she carefully lifted out an elongated jewellry box.

"Looks like she's getting ahold of the gift." The same officer from before spoke up.

"Yeah, she's gotten quite a hand on the situation." Epps nodded at her.

Lennox rolled his eyes. "Relax, guys." Then he smirked evilly. "She's just giving Sam a hand."

Sam glowered at them, before turning his gaze to Mikeala and refusing to acknowledge their comments with a reply. "It was kinda hard finding the right gift." Sam glared at Leo, who snickered behind the boy, still dancing around with a box at his crotch. "No pun intended."

With a watery smile, Mikeala opened the box, and her eyes grew round. She stared down at a gold chain with an inch long, intricately carved gold key on the end. In the center of the key was a bright blue sapphire, with little diamond chips surrounding it.

"Sam..." When she looked up, he'd pulled off the belt he'd been wearing, with the box attached, and sat next to her. She slapped him lightly then, trying and failing to glare. "I thought you forgot."

"Nope." He smiled as he took the gold key out and hooked it around her neck. "I spent the last week trying to find the perfect gift. I thought about tools, since you love mechanics, but I couldn't really...get mechanics enough to know what kind of tool to get you."

"She doesn't need a tool, she's got you." Barricade put in with a snort, before lifting a giggling Tai and dragging her out of the room.

Sam flipped him off, keeping his eyes on Mikeala. Slowly, he leaned in and kissed her lightly. "Happy Anniversary." He murmured with a smile.

"I love you." She laughed a little. "So, was the show part of the gift too? Or Tai's idea of fun?"

Sam cringed. "Her idea of fun." Then he smirked and dragged Mikeala to her feet, before swaying back and forth jokingly. "Don't tell me you actually thought I was giving you my dick in a box!" He began to laugh, before groaning as Miles and Leo chose that time to grab left-behind Frenzy and replay the song.

Hey girl.

I got somethin' real important to give you.

So just sit down and listen

"And that's our cue to get the hell out of here. Once was more than enough, thank you!" With a groan, Sam grabbed Mikeala's hand and ran from the room, dragging his hysterically laughing girlfriend behind him. "And please tell me you'll let me live this down!"

"Not a chance, buster!" Then she began to sing as well. "It's my dick in a box! My dick in a box, girl!"

"NO!" Sam let her hand go and slapped his hands over his ears, before running. "Mikeala!"

Note : Not my best work, but meh, I thought it was cute.

Written : Nov 18, 2010

Hope you like it

R+R Please

Thank you