Hi everyone, thank you so much for your wonderful reviews. This is the last chapter of Don't Look. I hope you like it, I'm going to miss writing this story.
Tegan is crying, Sara can hear her soft, sobbing exhales as she enters the room. It is not the first time Sara has heard these same cries during the night when she is ready to slip between the covers and forget the world. And sometimes it is not Tegan who is the one crying.
Something has set Tegan off today, or maybe something hasn't. Maybe Tegan has just remembered and that has made her sad, spending your life hiding isn't something that you can just ignore. They go through periods of time where sneaking kisses and anticipating nights together are all just a part of their forbidden follies. Then they will go through some nights where they will just hold onto each other and cry. Sometimes the intense nature of everything and the strain of hiding will leave them fighting each other and screaming how they never want to see the other again. But then sometimes things seem alright.
Sara walks over to the bed and pulling the sheets up, sinks into the mattress and curls her body against her sister's, holding her shaking body.
During fights on tour, unable to get out of each others faces, it's easy for them to just grab each other by the hair and angrily fuck until all is forgotten. At times they have had big blow outs just at the end of tour though, and so have consequently gone their separate ways. But it hasn't been long before one turns up on the others doorstep.
"It's not f-fair." Tegan whispers shakily to Sara. Sara just holds on tighter and lets her own silent tear make it's way from her eye to soak into the pillow beneath her head.
Usually when they are not touring they will take turns in staying with each other. A month in Montreal, a month in Vancouver. But then sometimes they worry people are becoming suspicious, and so they both claim to be holidaying in completely different locations, but in actuality are just hiding together in a hotel for weeks on end. If one is only out at once, who is to know?
"Just not fair." Her body aches and quakes in Sara's arms.
It is during these times when they are once again face to face with their own dismal reality, that Sara completely allows herself to let go of her emotions, and so begins to whisper sweet nothings into her sister's ear. Words on how beautiful Tegan is, how she could never leave her and other rarely voiced confessions she lets fall from her lips. These words that no one is ever allowed to hear but Tegan, barely loud enough for anyone including themselves to hear, fill the room and their world as they clutch each other in the dark.
When Tegan turns over to face her, Sara automatically lifts her hand to her face to wipe away the left over tears. Sara does not like the reminder they leave her on her sister's cheeks, and so she tries to erase any traces from Tegan's face. They stare silently at each other for a short while, until Tegan cannot resist and leans forward and kisses Sara softly on the mouth.
They have tried thinking of compromises many times when they have been at their lowest points. Sara once suggested if it made Tegan happy, she could date someone else openly. But Tegan could not do that to someone and Sara had already made herself physically sick over the idea. Another time Tegan asked Sara if they should just forget the whole thing, but after some miserable weeks with others that could not compare nor satisfy, they came crawling back to each other.
Sara carefully rolls her body so Tegan is underneath her and smiles. Her smile shows a mixture of love and painful truth. Sara cannot offer Tegan anymore than she already has and Tegan cannot offer Sara anymore just the same. All there is is each other. No chances of a wedding, no prospects on children, no thoughts on just holding each others hand while walking down the street, nothing. They have always known this and have accepted that always this is what they must be, a secret.
Tegan leans up and catches Sara's lips with her own, cupping her face in her hands, until eventually hands become everywhere and clothes become nowhere. They easily slip two fingers into each other, familiar with the others body but always under so much restraint in their everyday lives to be able to revel in the familiarity of it.
They slide their bodies against each other as they bring each other closer. Tegan is still slightly sobbing, but Sara can tell it's just the last of her cries leaving her body and that the sadness shall not grip Tegan's heart for at least a while now. For at least until she is reminded again of their afflictive circumstances.
Tegan comes first, but Sara is soon following at the feeling of Tegan gushing onto her already soaked digits so that it rushes down to pool in the palm of her hand. Sara rides out her own orgasm until her muscles can take no more and lets her tired body rest against Tegan. She can feel the sweat from Tegan's warm body becoming indistinguishable with her own and smiles at the thought. Soon however, remembering the wetness covering her palm, Sara removes her fingers from her sister's warmth and marvels at the state of her slick hand, before bringing it to her mouth to clean but mostly to taste.
Tegan watches from below, Sara is taking such care in savoring as much of her as she can. Tegan gets that intense feeling she always does when Sara allows her to see how much her body pleases her and feels her whole body slow down for the moment. Tegan brings her own hand up to her face and looks it over, she too can see the remains of Sara's excitement all over her fingers.
Sara stops what she is doing when she notices what Tegan is inspecting. She doesn't know why, but now she feels slightly embarrassed at just how eagerly she was licking what was left of her sister from her own hand, but the feeling soon dissipates when Tegan puts both her fingers into her mouth and begins to suck and swirl her tongue around them.
When she is done, Sara gives her the smallest of grins, still aware that life will never be even a little close to perfect. But Tegan gives her a wide smile back, as if in answer, telling her that at least here and right now it is. Sara leans down and places one last kiss on Tegan's lips, letting her tongue slip into her mouth until she is satisfied that their tastes have been introduced to each other and become one blend of the two.
Their secret they hold, Sara once compared to one they shared when they were seven. During a fight, Sara told Tegan she hated her and in retaliation, bleary eyed from crying, Tegan threw a ball at Sara's head. It missed completely and bounced off a tree breaking their next door neighbors window. They both promised each other that they would not tell on the other and that no one would ever know what went on that day, the words exchanged included. They wrote that day off and made up a story of how they instead spent the day together in the park.
At seven they felt like it was a huge secret they both shared, but they promised each other they would be the only ones who knew and so the promise was always kept. Sara told Tegan that their relationship was the same, just like the broken window, and that they were to be the only ones who were to ever know. And in a way that comforted Tegan, she could pretend that what they were doing was just another of the secrets held between the sisters, just like any other from their past. In her head that's what Tegan has to remind herself she is doing when she lies to her friends, to her mother, she's just protecting her and her little sister and keeping a promise. As time passes they spend a lot of time in their fabricated park now.
Sara finds her side of the bed and pillow and lies comfortably on her back welcoming sleep. Tegan does the same, lying on her stomach, sprawling half her body over Sara. Soon Sara knows she will fall asleep and then too soon after that she knows she will be yet again woken. Something is wrong if Tegan doesn't get up at least once to visit the bathroom during the night.
At first Tegan's sleeping habits Sara could not stand. Tegan always is half on top of Sara in her sleep and constantly waking her up when she gets up to pee. Sara had told her just how irritating she found it and was always complaining, but even if Tegan started the night off on her own side of the bed, she would end up attached to Sara in some way by morning, which meant Sara always felt it when Tegan left the bed. They are still sisters despite the nature of their relationship now, and Sara can still discover things about Tegan to be annoying. Although this annoyance does come with a warm, in hindsight appreciation, all of Tegan's strange habits do.
One night when they were staying at Sara's, a friend decided to visit and they had pretended that so had Tegan. Tegan slept on the couch, Sara slept in what was now dubbed one of their beds, and their friend was on the air mattress. Sara remembered lying in bed for hours and not being able to close her eyes once. It took her all night to realize what she was waiting for. The weight of her twin sister's body being spread out on top of her own had become such a constant that Sara no longer remembered how to sleep without it. That night, without the familiar contact and the interruption of Tegan padding out of the room to use the toilet, only to throw herself back over her again, there was no peace to Sara's sleep.
Sara had originally thought that perhaps she had just gotten so use to it that somehow now she needed it. But when she really thought about it, Tegan's body feels familiar and almost natural tangled with her own and she supposes that's because it originally was. She just had to remember and stop fighting it, it is okay now. Maybe it will never be okay for them to share it with others, but it is okay for Sara to allow herself to feel it. Because she does feel it and Tegan feels it too, and the feeling is beautiful and always should have been.
Just as Sara is about to succumb to sleep and lift her arm to place it gently around Tegan's body resting against her chest, she feels her shift and watches as her naked silhouette trudges out of the room in the direction of the bathroom. Sara looks out into the empty hallway, shivers slightly from the loss of warmth, and waits.