"I disagree Tina's is perfect"
"Please you little cretins, objectifying women is the reason were all in here practicing Madonna in the first place. Besides Mercedes fills out her jeans the best"
Half an hour. These guys had been arguing about the best butt for half a freaking' hour. I didn't even know there was so much to consider, or that other guys cared so much. Besides all the girls in glee were pretty hot.
"Hey Chang Santana, stutterfly or Beyonce?" asked Puck
Mike froze for a single second before his eyes slid to Artie, the other guys didn't seem to notice and waited for his answer.
"Brothers we all know that Brittany's rock hard buns are the best"
This comment brought more cries of outrage and heated arguments about asses. This really was one of the stupidest, most perverted discussions i had ever heard, and that included that time the football team argued who was hot enough to turn karofsky gay. I needed to make them shut up.
"Mercedes has the best Junk in the Trunk" i announced, hoping to end the conversation and get back to practice.
When you don't find most girls attractive or are harboring a secret crush on one of your teammates girlfriend, heart to hearts like this tend to get tense . Hence the reason why Mike and I are currently sitting on the opposite end of the table trying to look invisible.
After another run through of the song Finn suddenly looked up from his sheet music.
"Rachel legs are really nice"
And here we go again.
"Bullshit have you seen Brittany's legs? you could crack an egg on them" scoffed Puck, "plus shes double jointed"
"So am I"
"Asian don't ever put yourself in the same categories as my fuck buddies again"
I never understood why guys felt the need to rate girls. I have no idea if the girls are currently sitting in Rachel's bedroom arguing about which guy has the better ass or best legs, but for some reason it doesn't seem very likely.
"As much as I'd like to see her muted and and her entire collection of sweaters burnt, Finn is right her legs are incredibly long for such a midget" said Kurt, looking thoughtful
"Ok so your beard has a nice ass I'll admit and Berry has got like freakishly long legs, but dude nothing compares Britt's abs" said Puck, with a look on his face that was some odd cross between fond and perverted.
"I'm going to have to agree" piped up Artie, looking almost sheepish "her stomach is very well defined"
Matt looked over at Mike, who was trying very hard not to outright glare at Artie.
"What about Tina?" his friend asked, refusing to meet anybody's eye
"Well she is very physically attractive, but Puck does have a point Brittany is incredible toned" said Artie shrugging his shoulders and adjusting his glasses.
"Rachel's smile is really pretty" said Finn, there was clearly only one female in the group who he found attractive.
"Yes we know Finn, you are very into Rachel" snapped Kurt looking bitchy and hurt.
Why is he so into Finn? the guy hasn't got much going for him, i mean he's not that good looking or charming and god knows he isn't attracting people with his intelligence. Finn Hudson was so overrated.
"Hey Hummel, from a chicks point of view who do you think is the hottest?" asked Puck
"I'm a boy you idiot!" screeches Kurt, his cheeks flaming red
"Dude your gay, that as close to a chick as were getting right now, so spill"
Kurt gave Puck a disgusted glare, but the temptation to give his opinion outweighed his rage.
"Ok Mercedes has a diva's attitude, which instead of annoying everybody with in hearing range like some people, adds to her appeal. She has the best ass and since I'm the only one in the room who's seen all of the girls in their underwear i can safely say she also has the best chest. Honestly if their was a woman that could turn me straight it would be her
Rachel, while self absorbed and color blind does indeed have amazing legs and she also had a beautiful natural tan. Her smile is also one of her best features and her orthodontist is clearly Ohio's finest.
Quinn is the only real all American beauty in the group. She's like a younger, knocked up Grace Kelly. Her features are flawless and the ice princess look suites her perfectly. She's going to be one of those lucky bitches who still looks amazing at 40.
Santana has the most sex appeal in the group. While her body is almost scrawny, she knows how to use it to her advantage. Her smile is spectacular, but considering the fact she's got ice water running through her veins I doubt anybody besides Puck, Brittany, and myself is going to see it.
Tina has the innocent appeal. She dresses like a Chinese Victorian domantrix, but doesn't seem to realize it. Her thighs are very shapely and she also has a very nicely defined waist. Another perfect smile, mostly due to the adorable dimples in her cheeks. Also that tattoo on her hip is very appealing.
Brittany's body is as close to perfection as a human can be, it's perfectly toned and proportioned. Her face is strangely exotic and angular for someone with such pale coloring. Her eyes are slanted and I have a feeling she may have had a Asian relative a few generations back.
As for the best over all, it is extremely difficult to say, because I don't know if any of you have noticed but for a bunch of misfits the girls in out group are stunning. But in my opinion nobody holds a candle to Mercedes"
Kurt finished up his monologue looking pleased for himself and waited patiently everybody's reply.
"Dude have you seriously seen all of them in their underwear?" asked Puck in awe.
Despite the fact he had slept with both Britt and Santana, knocked up Quinn and hooked up with Rachel he had yet to get into Mercedes or Tina's pants, something that was driving him crazy.
"Where did you think I changed into my costumes and who do you think helped make those corsets for the 'Express Yourself' number?" Kurt leaned back and had a strangely smug look on his face. "Not only have I seen them in their underwear, but they had to be topless for me to correctly measure their chests"
Pucks jaw dropped and a look of pure envy crossed his face
"Your telling me" he started in a strangely low voice "that you had six chicks wearing nothing but panties in you room while they all waited to be measured"
"Well yes" said Kurt frowning slightly "it really wasn't that big a deal"
This admission brought a stunned silence in the room as Puck, Mike, Finn, Artie and even Brad the piano guy stared at Kurt as thought he was some sort of beacon of light. Kurt just looked confused at the amount of fuss this admission was causing.
"You are all over reacting, yes they are beautiful girls but everybody in the room has seen at least one of them in a semi naked state" pointed out Kurt.
"Yeah but you saw all six" said Finn
"all six nearly naked" added Mike, who was no doubt imagining Tina wearing nothing but a pair of panties in his room.
"All six nearly naked at the same time" chimed in Artie
Now Kurt just looked plain annoyed.
"You each have a girl in the group who loves you, why the hell would any of you care about seeing the others naked" he glared at each of the boys.
Finn and Artie had the decency to look ashamed of themselves, Mike was again avoiding everybody's eye and Brad was doing his silent ninja act again. Puck on the other hand just looked insulted.
"One? dude the only one i haven't hooked up with is Mercedes. Everybody want a piece of this" he said puffing out his chest like a gorilla.
"you haven't been with Tina" pointed out Artie
"Wrong wheels, middle school me and gothika had a thing"
Well this was news
"Excuse me?" growled out Artie, looking ready to run over pucks foot with his chair.
"We only kissed, but I have to say for a first timer she was like a pro, the second best I've ever had and belive me nobody in Lima has come close to my record"
Puck's hook up record was currently in the triple digits. How the hell he convinced that many women to preform sexual acts with him is still a mystery to me.
"Who was the first" asked Finn
"Mrs Gooberson from next door"
Mrs Gooberson was a Swedish housewife with a love for leather skirts and collars. She was like a walk advertisement for bondage.
"Oh sweet Gaga" muttered Kurt
"That woman scares me" admitted Artie
"Well the leashes were kind of a bitch to get used to" Puck said, shrugging "but the nipple clamps were hot"
"Ok..." muttered Finn "anyway was she really that good" he asked looking at Artie this time
"She does this thing with her tongue, I have no idea what it is but it feels amazing" He admitted, adjusting his glasses and blushing slightly
"Ok so we going to finish this song or what" I said loudly, hoping that when we walked out of the choir room Mike's chemistry book, which resembled the Lima phone book, wouldn't "accidently" give Artie a concussion.
A/N - I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry, this is me groveling for the lack of updates and being MIA for the past few months.
I swear to everybody who still gives a damn I will finish the list and I will write out Matt and Kurt's first date. It has been a hard year for me, as a close family member had passed away and I promise now that things have gotten back on track I will start updating again.
So what's everybody think of season two? first off WHERE THE HELL IS MATT! yeah very annoyed at his sudden transfer, but oh well this fic is officially AU so i can do whatever the hell I like with it.
Second off yay for Mike Chang! who else is getting an insane, irrational but unavoidable crush on Harry Shum Jr? just me ok...
And finally it seems like Ryan Murphy are like freakishly similar because a whole heap of my predictions came true this season. Mike and Tina, Artie and Brittany, gay karofsky.
Ok so again very sorry and enjoy this little bit I had sitting in my folder, remember to please review =]