I own no one but my own people.
The next day, Lucius sat at the breakfast table, looking over the Daily Prophet, sipping his coffee with Splenda and skim milk.
There was a faint pop outside the front door, and Bellatrix strode in, a large smile on her face.
"Good morning, Lucius," she chirped pouring herself a cup of coffee. "So are you ready to go?"
"Hang on, Bellatrix," he told her putting down his paper. "We can't just go gift shopping two days before Christmas and just go on a whim. We need to have at least some kind of idea what to get him."
Bellatrix sat down at the table, a slight frown on her face. "But Lucius," she whined. "I want to go shopping now!"
"We will, Bellatrix. But like I said, we can't go there without a plan. Because then every other thing we see, it'll be, 'oh lets get him that, but that thing we looked at before looked good, but we haven't gone shopping in that store, so he might want something there...' Trust me. I've been Christmas shopping before for Draco... it wasn't pretty. What we need is at least a general idea."
"I saw this really nice pair of heels he would like!" she told him, clearly excited, jumping up and down in her seat. "They're black, and made of dragon leather, and-"
"Bellatrix," Lucius scolded, as if talking to a five year old. "Is this something you want for the dark lord, or yourself?"
Bellatrix looked down at the floor. "Myself."
"And who are we shopping for today?"
"…The dark lord?"
Lucius nodded. "Very good. And does the dark lord want black dragon leather heels?"
"No… But if we can't get him the heels then what do we get him?"
"Let's think. What does the dark lord really like to do?"
"Try to kill his enemies and take over the world?"
They both thought for a moment. Truth be told, neither one of them had ever really seen or talked to the dark lord outside of meetings.
"We could get him a spell book," Lucius offered. "A really dark and evil one from Knockturn Alley. He would love that, and it's something practical!"
"He has every single spell book ever invented memorized."
"How do you know?"
"He made me write and memorize every spell from every single spell book ever invented."
"I always wondered why you always seemed so fearful of actual spell books," he muttered softly. "How about a broom stick?"
Bellatrix shook her head frantically. "He has a really huge rash on his anus and broomsticks hurt him."
"How in the name of Merlin do you know this?"
"I'm just gonna say that as his second in command I've had to rub crème on... a certain parts of his anatomy."
Lucius once again blinked in her direction and she looked down at the ground avoiding her eyes.
"If you could never tell anyone that I've told you that, that'll be really awesome," she mumbled.
"If you promise to never again tell me about the dark lord's anus rash."
They both thought for a little longer before Lucius popped up again. "I know! We get him a wand servicing kit! The new one! The Wand O' Cleaner twelve hundred! Just came out a week ago!"
Bellatrix shook her head. "He has all twelve hundred in the series."
"Well come on!" Lucius shouted in annoyance. "The man has everything you could ask for! Why don't you think of something?"
"Well..." Bellatrix said after a while. "He once mentioned how much he liked dancing, so maybe a pair of those magical tap shoes that just came out?"
"He didn't say he liked dancing, he said he much he liked torturing the muggle who liked dancing."
"Oh yeah… We could always get him some new robes," Bellatrix offered.
Lucius shook his head. "He makes them himself. He says he doesn't want the same as any other wizard."
Bellatrix's eyes lit up in excitement. "I got it! It's perfect! I know what to get him that no other wizard is going to have!"
"What? Bellatrix tell me!" Lucius pleaded.
Her smile grew even more wider and she laughed well... more like she cackled.
"It'll be difficult to get to, and even more difficult to get a hold of... but this is the only thing I can think of."
"What?" Lucius screamed in angst.
"Well I'm not sure what to get him, but I know where to get it."
"Where? At the top of the highest mountain, in the bottom of the deepest ocean, inside the hottest volcano?"
"No. A place even more dangerous and terrifying. We might not come out alive!"
"I'm willing if you are!"
Bellatrix took a deep breath before looking into her brother in laws petrified eyes. "Lucius… we need to go... to a muggle mall."
Three hours later, West Minster Mall, London.
Lucius paced in the front of the entrance of the parking lot, shivering from the cold.
"Come the hell on, Bellatrix!" he grumbled, rubbing his hands together, trying to radiate some heat.
He and Bellatrix had decided that since they were venturing into the muggle world, they should dress accordingly, and Lucius knew enough about the muggle world to know he would need to exchange his money at Gringotts.
They had decided that she would go home and change, and he would go to Gringotts and also get changed, and they would meet at the Riverside mall in London.
Lucius had put on a pair of acid washed jeans he was sure was from the eighties, a blue T-shirt that said 'Miami or bust', and a large pink down jacket that he knew was a woman's, but right now as he stood out in the cold, he was thankful for it. He knew it was an odd outfit, but something people wouldn't judge too harshly.
"I swear I'm going to kill her!" he muttered, jumping up and down, shivering form the bout of wind that had sprung up.
"Kill who?" Bellatrix asked as she suddenly appeared beside him.
Lucius turned to yell at her, but her appearance stopped him cold.
"What?" she asked in confusion. "Do I have something on my face?"
Lucius shook his head, too stunned to speak.
Bellatrix had decided that her conspectus outfit should be a black skirt that came down just low enough to cover what needed to be covered in order to enter the store, a very tight red top that covered her chest and nothing else, and six inch leather boots that came up to her thigh, which was encased in fishnet stockings, topped off by a brown faux fur coat.
"What in god's name are you wearing?"
She looked down and then smiled up at him. "A few years ago I did some research for the dark lord. You know, know your enemies and all that. So I went into this club a lot of muggles seemed to be going into, and this seemed to be what most of the girls were wearing, and everyone seemed to like it. So I stole an outfit from the changing room."
"Bellatrix... did the woman there actually keep on the clothes?"
She shook her head no.
"Okay let me ask you this. Were muggle men giving them money?"
"Yeah, but I just thought it was because they liked the clothes they were wearing. And Lucius, you should have seen the things they could do with a pole!" She said with a large grin on her face. "One of the girls named Candy actually taught me. Do you wanna see when I get back?"
Lucius sighed and closed his eyes and shook his head.
"What's wrong?" she asked as her bottome lip quivered. "Don't you like the outfit?"
"It's not me liking it that you should be concerned about," he mumbled, as a car passed them, and one of the men let out a loud cat call.
"Well anyway, I think we should get going. It's almost noon."
Lucius nodded in agreement before they both turned and saw the mall for the first time.
"So... this is it."
Bellatrix and Lucius stared up at the huge building in complete and utter awe. People going in and out, huge bags in their arms, the sounds of horns honking all around them as the parking lot was full to the brim…
Bellatrix in took a shaky breath. "So... are we going in?"
"Just give me a moment," Lucius muttered, still staring at the massive structure.
Bellatrix was silent for a moment before she spoke. "Um.. it's been one moment."
Lucius nodded before he took a deep breath. "Alright, let's go in…"
Clutching her purse, which contained exactly three thousand, seven hundred, and thirty six muggle pounds, or five thousand wizard Galleons, they made their way across the crowded parking lot.
They passed one man in a red car who was about to pull into one spot, before another in a dark green mustang sped up, and pulled into the parking spot, nearly hitting the man in the red car.
"Oh my god," Bellatrix muttered as the two men got out of their cars and began arguing loudly over the spot.
"Hey!" the man in the red car shouted to the two of them, motioning them over.
Bellatrix grasped Lucius' arm in fright.
"What do you want?" Lucius asked in his superior, 'I'm better then you' tone.
"We need to ask you something!" the other man yelled.
Lucius and Bellatrix looked at one another before they slowly shuffled over to them, swallowing fear, knowing what would happen if they did magic in front of all these muggles. Even Lucius' money and influence wouldn't help them in that situation.
"What?" Bellatrix snapped at the two men.
"Who got here first?" the man who beckoned them over asked. "Me, or this guy?"
Lucius and Bellatrix looked at one another before looking back at the men.
"You did," he said pointing to the man in the red car.
"Oh that's bull shit!" the other man shouted. "It's not my fault that your crappy car isn't as fast as mine."
"Well in all fairness," Bellatrix said "he was about to pull in before you sped up."
"Oh shut up, whore!" he yelled before turning back to the man in the red car.
Bellatrix narrowed his eyes at him, and reached into her purse and was about to pull out her wand and curse the man, but he suddenly got a dreamy, far away look in his eyes.
"I'm so sorry, sir," the man muttered, "I didn't realize you were about to pull in. I'll move my car now."
The man turned to Bellatrix who was still glaring at him. "And I'm truly sorry, mam. I never should have insulted you like that."
He reached in his pocket and pulled out his wallet and handed Bellatrix a wad of bills. "Please take this with my deepest apology. I am now going to go push my over priced ugly muggle car off a cliff."
The man slowly turned and got back in his car and backed up and drove off, leaving the muggle stunned.
"Well that was odd," he muttered before he too got in his car and drove in the parking space.
Bellatrix turned to Lucius who was putting sticking something back in his pocket, smirking.
"Wonder what happened to him?" he asked, feigning innocence.
Bellatrix chuckled. "I wonder."
The two walked off towards the mall, and swallowing fear, they walked to the doors.
"This is the spirit of giving!" a young man shouted to them, ringing a bell, standing by a large red kettle.
The two looked at the young man who continued to ring the bell even louder as they passed him.
"Give to the needy, sir and miss! Surly you can afford some spare change."
"No we can't."
Bella scoffed as if the answer was obvious. "Because if we give to strangers, then we can't spend it on ourselves."
"Everyone can afford to give a little at the holidays."
"I'm sorry, but-" Lucius said, trying to steer Bella away.
"What if your family needed help?" he interrupted, "wouldn't you want people to be generous to you and yours?"
"Fine," Bellatrix grumbled, handing a wad of bills to the man. "If it'll shut you up."
The two walked into the mall.
"How much did you give him?" Lucius asked her.
"Twelve zeros and six ones," she answered with a smirk.
"You know. The little muggle notes with the 1 and the two zeros. Figured that had to be worth the less because it had the most zeros on the notes."
Lucius stopped her dead in her tracks. "You gave six hundred pounds to a muggle charity?"
Bellatrix's smile faltered. "I thought I just gave six pounds, and the twelve zeros cancelled it out..."
Lucius groaned in frustration before he grabbed her wrist and pulled her away from the doors.
"Bless you!" the young man shouted after them. "Bless you, friendly, mysterious hooker!"