Crack, crack, and more crack. Welcome to my mind XD. I came up with this story while I was talking to my friend about neopets, and then decided it'd be way cooler as FMA characters. This is complete and utter crack. Embrace it! This is the first chapter, it will be continued, if I ever get past my permanent writer's block. Together, we can find a cure. Alrighty, enjoy Ed's crack-hunt.

"Do you have the popcorn Al?"

"Yup!"

"Alright, let's get this movie started!"

It was a normal Friday night. Ed and Al were sitting in their dorm at HQ, nestled on the couch with popcorn and a remote. It was movie night, and Al had gotten what was supposed to be a good movie, so even Ed couldn't be unhappy.

Clicking play, Ed and Al watched in excitement as the title appeared on the screen: "Twilight." Ed and Al's jaws dropped.

"You picked out Twilight!" Ed cried, jabbing the stop button repeatedly (but it wasn't working!). Al shook his head.

"No! I swear, I didn't mean to! There must have been a mix up… Oh! I know! I ran into Roy today –" Ed scowled.

"What's that got to do with anything?"

"No, brother, I mean I actually ran into him. We dropped all of our stuff, and I think I may have taken the DVD that he dropped." Al explained. For a moment, the two were silent. Then, they burst into hysterical laughter.

"The Coronal was gonna watch Twilight!" Ed howled, laughing so hard he almost cried. "Well, we might as well watch it. We've got nothing better to do." Clicking play, the two watched the screen intently. So what if it was a stupid chick flick? Ed wasn't about to let that ruin his movie night. And so the two brothers Elric sat huddled on the couch, watching as sparkling vampires raced across the screen, scarring them for life with the terror of their pitiful "acting skills."

"Ed, I'm scared." Al whispered, his armor clanking as he shook.

"They call that acting? My auto mail could do better than that!" Ed scoffed, arms crossed. "And seriously, what kind of vampire sparkles? I though vampires were supposed to burn in the sun!" Al nodded, flicking the TV off.

"I think that's enough for tonight." Al shuffled off, muttering about how he would probably have nightmares (sparkly, bad acting nightmares). Ed frowned, looking at the DVD case curiously.

"Vampires don't really sparkle…" He muttered, turning on the TV and muting it. Over and over again, he watched the scene where Edward Cullen sat in the glade, sparkling in the sun. There was something wrong about that picture –other than the fact Cedric Diggory was trying to pull off a successful Cullen –but Ed couldn't quite put his finger on it.

The next morning, when Al came down for breakfast, he saw ed sitting in front of the TV, eyes huge but droopy from lack of sleep.

"Brother!" Al cried. "You didn't stay up all night watching Twilight, did you?" Ed looked up, shaking his head.

"Al! You're never gonna believe this!" He grinned. "I was doing some research last night, and guess what I figured out?" Al sighed, shrugging. Why did he have such a bad feeling where his stomach was supposed to be?

"Edward Cullen is really a fairy!" Ed cried. Al stared at him for a moment, wondering how much crack his brother had been snuffing, and where he'd gotten it.

"Ed… You aren't still hung up on that, are you?" Was it time for another trip to the family therapist? Al sure hoped not. He really didn't want to have to bring out the sedatives again…

"Al, I'm serious! Look at what I found in this book!"

"Ed… This is a picture book for little girls… About Tinkerbell." Al said slowly. Great, he really was going to need to bring out the tranquilizer, wasn't he?

"Al! Look at this!" Ed opened the book, flipping to a page showing several fairies, all sparkling in the sun. "See? All of these fairies are sparkling! In the sun! Just like Edward Cullen!" Ed sounded like he'd found the solution to world hunger.

"Ed…" Al sighed, shaking his head. "How tight is your auto mail?" Ed gasped, insulted.

"Al, I'm serious about this! I'm going to go find that over-sized fairy" –and by that he meant Cullen –"and prove it to you!" he paused, then glared, "And if you don't help, then I'll take away the kitten you've been hiding in your room." Al gasped, horrified.

"Not Mr. Fluffykins!" Al moaned. "How'd you find out about him!"

"Al, I'm your older brother. I KNOW EVERYTHING! And I also know that Edward Cullen is a fairy, and that you're going to help me. Or "Mr. Fluffykins" gets it." Al sobbed, but agreed. And so the Fairy Hunt began.

"ROY!" Roy Mustang looked up from his "important paperwork" (a pile of paper airplanes and pictures of his higher-ups with mustaches drawn on them), only to find a very strange sight: Edward and Alphonse, both carrying enormous butterfly nets, and tugging a wagon behind them.

"What do you want?" Roy sighed, quickly shoving his "important paperwork" beneath a book.

"Roy, we need to take a few days off." Al explained, even though technically he wasn't a State Alchemist and didn't work here. Roy looked as though Al had just sworn at him.

"Why on earth do you want a day off?"

"Because, we're going to hunt for fairies!" Ed cried, grinning. Roy stared blankly at him, wondering who the cheerful child was, and why he looked so much like FullMetal.

"Remind me never to ask you what you're doing again." Roy sighed.

"Come on Coronal! You should come with us! It'll be fun!" Ed cried, acting very out of character.

"I am not going to help you hunt for fairies, Ed. Get back to work." Roy scowled, pretending to start filling out some paper.

"It'll get you away from your paperwork…" Ed reminded him in a singsong voice. Roy slammed his paper down on the desk and leapt up.

"What are we waiting for? Let's go find us a fairy!" And so the group marched on.

"How much farther?" Roy asked, as they marched down the street. They were dragging a giant glass jar behind them in Ed's old wagon, and they held their butterfly nets like flags over their shoulders.

"We have to get to the train station, so we can get to Resembool. That's where there's a great woods, and we can find the fairy." Ed explained. "Fairies live in the woods and sparkle in the sun, so we need to look in their natural habitat." He said, matter-o-factly. They marched in an orderly fashion across Central, receiving odd looks from pedestrians, until a familiar voice interrupted their mission.

"Hey! FullMetal pipsqueak! Where ya' going?" Ed and his troop turned, spotting Envy walking toward them.

"Go away Envy! I don't have time to fight you right now!" Ed scowled, turning and marching off, determination burning in his eyes. Envy looked taken aback. They didn't have time to fight with him? After the homunculi had dedicated their existences to stalking them! How dare he!

"Why not?" Envy whined, racing after them.

"Because. We're looking for a fairy." Ed replied, as if it were the most obvious answer in the world. Envy stared blankly at him, much like Roy had, blinking after a moment.

"What?"

"I'm going to find Edward Cullen and prove he's a fairy!" Ed cried.

"I'm in." Envy grinned. He'd hated Cullen ever since Lust had forced him to watch Twilight with her. He was at the very top of his hate list.

"Alright, let's go!" Roy cried impatiently. Ed took the lead, and his troop of Alchemists –and one homunculus –marched after him.

Meanwhile, under Central in the homunculi's base…

"Greed! Have you seen Envy?" Lust cried.

"Why would I have? It's not my job to baby sit him!"

"Well, do you now where he went?"

"Uh… Well, actually, he was here just a minute ago. He was looking for a butterfly net."

"What the eff?"

"Yeah. And he said something about looking for fairies with FullMetal." Greed shrugged. Lust stared for a moment, before crossing her arms.

"You've really got to start pulling him off that crack…" Greed looked up from his magazine and laughed.

"Now where's the fun in that?"


Okay, the first part is up. Next, they will embark on the rest of their mystical journey of crackdom to discover if Cullen truly is or isn't a fairy (and, of course, we all know he is). Will Amestris survive? Who knows.

Please review! If you don't, I'll send Envy after you with his net. And then he'll... He'll, uhm, hit you... With it. Repeatedly. Yeah.

~Ip