I'm afraid to type an intro cuz I don't wanna get beated up 0.o I am SOOOOO sorry that I didn't update this for SOOOOOOO long. I got stuck, and then I kind of forgot about it… But, I'm back! And I WILL finish this thing, no matter how much abuse it takes from myself and others, so never fear! And now, enjoy the latest installment of Edward Elric's Fairy Hunt… And let's hope you're so distracted by it that you don't kill me for taking so long…
When we last left out heroes, Ed and the gang had split up in hopes of finding Cullen. Shortly after, Ed and Winry stumbled upon the sparkling fairy, and were entranced by his rainbow wing. Meanwhile, Envy and Al had run into Jacob Black, who had revealed to them the true power of fairies –Character Derailment. Horrified for the sake of his brother and childhood friend, Al immediately set to searching for them, in hopes of saving them. Will they get there in time? Or, will it be too late? Will Ed and Winry be derailed into miserable Sues? Will Mustang EVER get Hawkeye to go out with him? Find out some of these things and more, in the next paragraph…
"Are you sure this is the right way?" Envy asked, panting as he tried to keep up with the uber-speedy werewolf. Al –who had been forced to ride on the wolf's back due to the fact that suits of armor aren't known for their speed –nodded. "How do you know? Is it some sort of brother-senses?" Envy asked, and Al shook his head.
"Nah. I installed a GPS tracking chip in his automail." He explained, and Envy facepalmed, wishing he'd thought of that years ago. Quickly, he made a mental note to tell Father about it later.
"How much further?" Jacob barked. Al checked his tracker and pointed dramatically ahead.
"About five minutes that way!" He cried. Jacob nodded, speeding up, much to Envy's displeasure.
"Hey! Wait for me!" He wailed, trying hard to keep up.
"Is he important to the story?" Jake asked Al, and Al shrugged.
"I don't know. I think he amuses the readers, though." The wolf nodded, but didn't speed down.
"Sorry, miss-" Jacob narrowly dodged Envy's butterfly net –"But we can't afford to slow down. If we don't find this Ed person right away, he'll be reduced to a worthless Gary Stu." He explained. Envy rolled his eyes, clearly not caring in the least.
"So what if Fullmetal becomes a Stu? How on earth will that affect me?" He smirked cockily, causing Al to roll his eyes.
"If he becomes a Gary Stu, the sales of your manga and anime will plummet and nobody will care about you anymore." Jacob said flatly, and both Envy and Al gasped in horror. No more screen time? No more back-of-the-manga funnies? It was the worst thing they would imagine, especially Envy, who loved his screen/panel time.
"Okay, okay, I get it." Envy sighed, shaken by the thought of no fangirls adoring his very existence. "How much further?" Al checked his tracker.
"They're right up ahead!" He cried. With a dramatic leap worthy of any Twilight movie, Jacob burst through the bushes in a flurry of leaves; Al's armor gleaming in the light. Envy staggered in –less than dramatically –after them, panting and mumbling unflattering things about werewolves and armor.
It was there that they saw the worst thing that they could imagine…
Winry and Ed had been watching Cullen for awhile before Al had appeared to their rescue, hunkered down in the bushes and quietly discussing what their plan of action should be.
"We've gotta catch'm." Ed decided, pounding his hand with his fist. "If we can lure him to Al, we can get him in the giant jar. Sound good?" Winry nodded slowly. She was still trying to overcome the shock of seeing her fandom love in the guise of a rainbow-winged fairy. It was all too much for the poor hormone-crazed girl, and for awhile she'd felt faint.
"Okay…" She mumbled, still a bit dazed. "But can I at least get his autograph first?" Ed gasped in shock, truly hurt by this act of betrayal.
"Winry! He's the enemy! No, you can't get his autograph!" He cried indignantly. Winry sighed, gazing forlornly at Cullen.
"Look. I'm gonna be stuck with either you or Al as my canon pairing –probably you –and if I'm going to end up stuck with you for the rest of fandom eternity, then can't you at least let me have this moment?" She snarled quietly. Ed frowned, contemplating this. She had a point. Deciding he had nothing to lose –besides, Winry was 2D and Cullen was 3D, it would never work out –he nodded. Grinning, Winry whipped out a pad of paper and a Twilight pencil. Ed gasped, watching her skip toward Cullen.
"You were planning this all along!" He hissed, shaking his arm angrily as the blonde girl glomped Cullen. It was too sickening for Ed to watch, and so he turned away. Out of respect, the author didn't watch either, so whatever happened with Winry and Cullen forever goes unknown.
A rustling in the bushes alerted Ed, and he looked up, gasping with horror. Above him loomed the sparkling emo himself –Edward Cullen.
"It's you." He hissed, standing to his full height –approximately 4'5", a full head and a quarter beneath Cullen –and glaring up at the wannabe-vampire.
"Hello, other Edward." Cullen smirked, wings stretched out to their full length. Ed kept trying to glare Cullen in his creepy golden eyes, but the gleaming, sparkling butterfly wings were pretty distracting… Actually, they were kinda pretty… And they sparkled in the light, like a kaleidoscope…
Ed stared blankly into the rainbowy vortex of colors, trapped under the Fairy's spell. Winry had already been reduced to a pile of Fangirlish goop by the sparkling monster's Rob Patterson Powers, and was in no condition to help her poor friend. Now, there was nothing to do but wait for Ed's perfectly (okay, very well-made) constructed character to unravel…
"Ed!" Al screamed in terror, taking in the horrifying scene. His poor brother was gazing at Edward Cullen's multi-colored wings –yes, wings –with a zombie-like look in his eyes. "Ed! Ed, don't look at him!" Al cried, sliding off Jacob's back and running toward his dear brother.
"No, stop!" Jacob phased back immediately and grabbed a hold of Al's arm, thrusting a pair of sunglasses over the armor's eye… Holes. "Don't look directly at him." He hissed, shoving Al behind him. "Do you want to be caught under his spell?" Al shook his head, quivering.
"Holy crap!" A new voice cried. Roy and Den appeared on the scene, having heard the commotion. Roy glanced at Jacob for a moment, then at Edward. His jaw dropped when he saw the wings. Fullmetal… Had been right. His heart hurt at this thought, but he thrust it away.
Den barked, snarling viciously at Cullen as he/she/it tried to make its way to its master, only to be blocked by Jacob. Den whined, but didn't resist.
"Edward!" Jacob cried, glaring at his rival in Love-and-other-crap. The fairy sneered, brushing Ed aside (though the chibi didn't once look away from the wings).
"Jacob! So, we meet again." Despite the 4th novel, things were not made up between the movie personas of the Twilight fandom, and the two were still bitter rivals –no longer in love, but in the derailment/protection of other characters. "I see you've come to save the characters of this fandom?" Cullen laughed evilly –an act that was less terrifying due to his rainbow fairy wings. "Well, you're too late. The derailment process has already begun!" He cried.
"No!" Al screamed, trying to get to Ed, but again being blocked by Jacob.
"Yes! Any minute now, Edward Elric will be nothing but an "Action action action" Gary Stu, striving to be 'stronger' and giving long, overly-used spiels about how he fights for his friends and they're his power, and all that crap." Cullen grinned, a crazy glint in his creepy eyes. Al sobbed, and Roy winced. He definitely didn't want to have to deal with what sounded like a blond clone of Ash Ketchum.
"You monster." Jacob seethed, clenching his fists.
"What are you going to do, Wolf Boy? You can't stop me- If you try, I'll just derail you again!" Jacob winced –that's right folks, werewolves aren't impervious to Fairy magic.
"No one can stop Edward!" Winry cried in a disturbing, fangirl voice. Everyone leaned to the side, wincing at the sight of the poor girl, who was gazing at Cullen with glazed over, goopy-adoration filled eyes. "He's amazing…." She sighed dreamily.
"This is worse than what you did to Bella." Jacob hissed. Cullen shrugged.
"Eh. She was a Sue anyway." He grunted. Which is true (Bella, not Winry).
"What are we gonna do, Jacob?" Al asked weakly, trying hard not to look at poor Ed, who was still gazing at Cullen's wings in a trance. Jacob frowned.
"Well… I have no idea." He shrugged. The whole group (excluding Winry, Ed, and Cullen) did an anime fall.
"But… I thought you were going to help us save Ed!" Al cried!
"Right, and Winry!" He added hastily.
"I don't wanna be saved!" Winry cried, but was pointedly ignored.
"Look, I want to, but the derailment process is too far in. Even if I could stop Cullen now, there's no telling what might happen to your brother… Or the rest of us." Jacob explained. Depressing tones were settling over this scene.
"Oh, for the love of God, will you all stop being so stupidly dramatic!" Roy cried, exasperated. "This is a CRACK FIC. There's always something we can do. Watch." Stepping forward, Roy took up stance before Cullen. The fairy hissed, raising his wings threateningly, preparing to attack, when-
The Flame Alchemist 's ignition gloves gave off a spark, and faster than you could say 'Twilight Sucks!' Cullen was on fire. Screaming, the fairy bolted, wings ablaze. Power source reduced to an inferno, Ed was suddenly snapped out of his daze, and Winry was awoken from his fangirl trance. Immediately, the two were swamped by their loved one –Okay, Den tackled Winry and Al began shaking Ed, trying to get a response.
"Ed! Brother, can you hear me? Brother?" Al cried, shaking Ed furiously. The chibi yawned, head lolling.
"Uhg…" He moaned, rubbing his eyes weakly. "What… What happened?" He mumbled, glancing around. "Al? Why… Are we in the middle of the woods?" Ed asked, yawning again.
"Ed! You're back!" Al cried, hugging his brother with enough strength to snap his bones.
"Gah! A-Al, cute it out! You're suffocating me!" Ed gasped, wriggling away from his brother's hold.
"Oh Ed, I'm so glad you're okay! How do you feel?" Al asked, sniffling happily. Ed stretched, shrugging.
"Fine, I guess. But I had the weirdest dream… That I was looking for fairies… And then I was sent to this weird world where I acted like… Ash Ketchum." Ed and Al both shuddered. Meanwhile, somewhere else, Ash sneezed.
"So, why are we out here?" Ed asked, noticing Winry laughing as Den licked her face. "And why… Is he here?" Ed scowled, glaring at Envy with murder in his eyes. "And what's Jacob Black doing here?" He cried in shock as the werewolf waved. "And why… What the hell is Edward Cullen doing over there!" Ed screamed, horrified. Could it be that… His strange dream had been real! Dear God, he'd really acted like that in public?
"You dragged us all on a Fairy Hunt." Roy muttered, glaring at Cullen, who was frantically trying to put his wings out (to no avail).
"Edward Cullen tried to derail you into a Stu, Ed!" Al cried. "But Roy saved us all!"
Outside of the computer, Ip stared at that last sentence and slammed her head against the keyboard.
"Roy was the hero of this fic?" Ed growled, glaring at Mustang, who was now smirking victoriously, adjusting his uniform.
"That's right." Roy grinned cockily. "Oh, don't look so down, Fullmetal. It was either me or Envy." All eyes fell on the palm tree, who gasped in shock and indignation.
"What! I was denied a bigger role! That's it, who's writing this thing?" He snarled, glaring at the sky.
"Um, guys?" Winry asked from behind, holding Den in her arms. "Don't you think it's time to wrap this thing up?" Our heroes looked at each other, and then at the time.
"Holy crap, you're right. This thing is already five pages long… And we've broken the Fourth Wall like, six times in this chapter alone!" Ed mused. "Thanks for saving me you guys… But now… What should we do about him?" Ed frowned, pointing at Cullen, who had slumped against a tree, wings charred and crispy.
Al held up the glass jar, and Ed grinned.
"Alright guys, let's milk this baby for one more chapter!"
That's right, I did it again –one more chapter. Okay, not really. It's more of an epilogue.
So, how was that? Overly dramatic, long, and full of Fourth-Wall-Bashing fun! I know I took forever, but was this at least sort of worth the wait? … I know, I know, I'm really sorry I took so long -.-; ;; ;; I hope you guys enjoyed this chapter, and I'll have the epilogue up ASAP!