Just another exercise in dialogue. Haven't done one of these in a while. Just taking a break from all of my angst. For those of you waiting for the next chapter of Thirteen Ghosts, I promise I'll get that out soon! I pinky promise! Review please!
"Calm down, Jolly Green Giant. You're going to break the handle off, and then we'll be stuck in here until we die."
"It's okay. Just…sit down and let's wait for someone to come home."
"Crap. Kurt said he would be at least another half hour."
"Why were we looking in the linens closet in the first place?"
"You can't throw a party without a nice tablecloth!"
"I don't think we own a tablecloth."
"You weren't kidding when you said you needed help celebrating Kurt's birthday, were you?"
"It's his first as a part of the Hudson family and I wanted to make sure it was special."
"Have you picked up the cake yet?"
"It's in the freezer."
"Mint chocolate-chip ice cream cake?"
"You, my man, are a genius."
"Funny. When Kurt says that, I think he's being sarcastic."
"Well, that would be Kurt."
"Oh! Did you pick up the peet-o chips and humdus?"
"The chips and dip that Kurt loves so much!"
"You mean the pita chips and hummus?"
"That's what I said!"
"Yes, they're in my car. Along with the lifetime supply of Diet Coke. Are you sure we need that much for a small dinner?"
"Have you met Kurt?"
"Touché. Who else is coming?"
"Mom and Burt, obviously, then Mercedes and Quinn-"
"I know, right?"
"Seriously, it sucks that she and Kurt are such good friends. He told me all about the baby drama from last year."
"God, don't remind me. Why not Tina or Artie? Why my lying, cheating ex-girlfriend?"
"Does your mom know?"
"Smart. Well, tonight's bound to be awkward."
"If we ever get out of this closet."
"Hey! I found a tablecloth! Perfect!"
"But we're still trapped in here."
"Eh, details, details. Say, what'd you get Kurt?"
"Um…a complete set of Harry Potter books."
"Is he a fan?"
"No! He's never read them! That's why I got them!"
"He's never read Harry Potter."
"He's never read Harry freaking Potter?"
"What is wrong with him?"
"That's what I said! Harry Potter is great! They're the only books I could ever sit through!"
"Harry Potter is totally awesome. I approve of your gift."
"Thanks, man. What'd you get?"
"A box of gay porn and some lube."
"Kidding! Ow! Ow! Finn, I'm kidding! I can't breath! I got him tickets to the Lady Gaga concert in May."
"Wait, seriously? He's gonna freak."
"I hope so."
"You really like him, don't you?"
"You're not about to give me the big brother talk, are you?"
"Nah. Kurt's older than I am. I am going to threaten you with castration if you hurt him. Just sayin'."
"I totally get it. My little sister just got a boyfriend. I know the feeling."
"So you know that there will be an entire glee club assisting me when I kill you, right?"
"Oh, I've heard the stories. Is it true Mercedes will shove tater tots up my-?"
"There, and so many other places."
"And Puck just got out of juvie."
"And Santana will cut you."
"I'm not kidding. You should see Puck's scars."
"And Artie will roll over your toes."
"Yup. He's on the football team with me."
"So, basically, you break Kurt's heart, we break the rest of you."
"Interesting. And have you told Karofsky this?"
"What are you talking about?"
"The Neanderthal who has been torturing Kurt and kissed him against his will? Have you threatened him too?"
"HE DID WHAT?"
"Maybe I should let Kurt tell you about that…"
"He told you and not me? But we're brothers!"
"And I'm gay. Besides, you all were too wrapped up in your own lives to realize something was horribly wrong."
"I-I-I just…Karofsky? He's…?"
"Violently closeted, yes."
"A-a-and Kurt didn't tell us…but he was kind of acting weird…but I thought it was just because he was fighting with Mercedes or something…"
"Did you ask him about it?"
"Well, no. We only recently started being…um, not awkward around each other. I can't exactly ask him about stuff like that…it's too personal."
"You know, I can't always be there for Kurt. You need to reach out to him. Haven't you noticed that he barely speaks to Quinn and Mercedes anymore? He's distancing himself from the people closest to him. You need to show him that you're willing to be his brother."
"Does murdering Karofsky count?"
"As much as that gesture would mean to Kurt, I wouldn't do it. That kid's huge."
"How about threatening him?"
"Your funeral. How about you give Kurt a hug? He really, secretly loves hugs."
"Seriously? But he never touches anyone. Well, not in a while…"
"See? Distancing himself. He just really needs a hug, you know?"
"Oh…okay. I love giving people hugs."
"I'm sure you do. You look like an over-sized teddy bear."
"That's what my girlfriend says."
"It's okay. I'm very cuddly."
"So is Kurt once you get past the Holier-Than-Thou attitude."
"But I thought he was an atheist."
"Never mind, Finn. But, just…be his friend, okay? He needs a brother right now. Not a best friend, not a gaggle of girls who just want their own Token Gay, not a recovering father, not a new stepmother. Something he's never had before: a brother."
"You really think so? He just stopped hating me."
"He never hated you, Finn. But you wounded his ego and made him realize how out of line he had been, and he just couldn't face you properly for a while. He respects you, Finn."
"He thinks I'm an idiot."
"Well, you did get us locked in a linen closet."
"I'm just kidding. And he doesn't think you're stupid. Just naïve. He says it's endearing most of the time. Makes you like a little brother to him."
"I never thought anyone would use the word 'little' to describe me."
"Well, it was meant figuratively. Besides, you're the one who planned out this whole birthday dinner thing. He'll never admit, but it really means a lot to him."
"Really? He said that?"
"Yep. Right before you called and told him you'd accidentally put a red shirt in his load of whites. Then he ran out of nice things to say about you pretty quickly."
"Ooh…I'd forgotten about that…His boxers were all pink and he made me buy him new ones. Most awkward shopping experience of my life."
"He didn't go with you, did he?"
"No, but he gave me a list of brands and styles, but forgot to say what size. So I had to ask the girl at the counter for help. She thought I was describing my boyfriend or something, and kept asking what size his junk was. Said she needed to know his cup size or something, but I couldn't stop imagining a naked Kurt for the rest of the day. I think I upset him when I threw the shopping bag at him and ran away."
"Did you get the right size?"
"Yeah, weirdly enough. Of course, I had to buy the smallest waist size, so I assumed the cup size was pretty small too – wait, we are not talking about this!"
"I was just curious if he had to go back…"
"You just wanna know how big his dick is!"
"Well, I'm a horny, gay male. Of course I do."
"Gross, man. That's like me asking you your sister's cup size."
"Really? How old is she?"
"Back off, you perverted old man. She's fifteen. And taken."
"Hey now, I have a girlfriend. That's just a nice size, is all."
"You don't go for the D-cups?"
"Naw. I like 'em natural. Just look at my girlfriend: B-cup."
"Huh. I guess Kurt was right about your charming, boy-next-door attitude."
"He said that?"
"Yeah. I saw your picture on his phone and asked what you were like."
"Wait…on his phone? He didn't show you the one where I-?"
"Yep, that's the one."
"I thought I deleted that!"
"Calm down, Colossus. It's cute."
"Sleeping with another guy doesn't make you gay."
"I didn't sleep with him! I just fell asleep…on him."
"Still not seeing what's so embarrassing about it."
"He's my ex-best friend. He knocked up my girlfriend."
"We seem to be fans of that word today."
"Well, it sort defines this whole situation, doesn't it?"
"Is Kurt unhappy?"
"And I wonder why this is so awkward…"
"No, seriously. Is he depressed? Does he need medicine? Is he going to kill himself?"
"Now you decide to be a worrisome brother?"
"Just answer me!"
"No, he's not suicidal. But yes, I would say he's unhappy. You would be too if you got slammed into a locker every day and sexually harassed by your main tormentor."
"God, I feel horrible. As soon as he gets home, I'm gonna hug him so tight he'll pass out from lack of oxygen!"
"Because giving him brain damage is really the way to make him feel better."
"Finn? Blaine? Where are you guys?"
"KURT! KURT! WE'RE IN THE LINEN CLOSET! GET US OUT!"
"Ow…no wonder you're the lead singer of New Directions…you, sir, are LOUD."
"Why are you in the closet?"
"Kurt? Please get us out. Finn takes up a lot of space."
"Oh, thank GOD! I can breathe again!"
"Do I really want to know, boys?"
"I'll let Finn tell you the story of our adventure in the closet. We went to Narnia."
"Oh, so Finn came out of the closet today?"
"Yes, apparently. You helped him out of it, you see."
"Oh, really? How was Mr. Tumnus?"
"Quite well. But he also thought Finn should come out of the closet."
"Are you two trying to call me gay?"
"Yes, Finn. And Blaine and I would know, wouldn't we?"
"Okay…oh! I almost forgot!"
"Finn, what – CAN'T. BREATHE."
"I'm gonna be the best brother EVER. Okay? You can come to me for anything. Got it? Anything. Even boy problems. Especially Karofsky problems."
"BLAINE. HELP. AIR."
"Um, Finn, he's turning blue."
"Sorry, buddy. But Blaine made me see how much you need a brother right now, and here I am!"
"Thanks, Finn. Thanks, Blaine."
"No problem, brother! Now, if you two will excuse me, I have a table to set and presents to wrap!"
"You have no idea."