Chapter Two: Mid Life Crisis
I don't own Bioware
EXECUTIVE OFFICER'S QUARTERS
"Miranda, we need to talk, why didn't the Illusive Man..." Shepard paused as he entered the office. "Why are you wearing glasses?"
Miranda looked up from her keyboard. Indeed, she was wearing a set of horn rimmed glasses with thick lenses. Not only that, her normally flowing hair was done up in a conservative pony tail and scrunchie.
"Oh, hello Commander. Yes, well, since I never get taken on missions, I spend most of my time doing paperwork, so my eyes started hurting." Miranda explained matter of factly. "And my hair was just getting in the way, so I borrowed a scrunchie of Goldstein and did it up like this."
"I see," Shepard struggled to keep the confusion out of his voice. "Well, I'll see you later then."
"Bitch!" Jack stormed into Miranda's quarters. "You and I are going to have a little talk...What the fuck?"
Instead of her skin tight jumpsuit, Miranda was now dressed in an old rugby jersey with the word 'WALLABIES' printed on the front, a set of tracksuit pants, and while her feet were usually encased in stiletto heels, now they were bare and her knees were tucked up into her chest.
"Oh, hey Jack," Miranda said cheerfully. "What can I do for you?"
"Uhh, I forgot," Jack was flabbergasted. "Something about flaying you alive?"
"Well, why don't we sit down and discuss this like adults?" Miranda spoke sensibly. "Would you like some cookies and milk? They're choc-chip and I baked them this morning."
"Ahhh, sure, I guess?"
Tali strode into the mess hall. "Alright, which one of you bosh'tets owns this!" she demanded, holding up a small ginger furred cat, looking very scared. "I found him in the engine room. He nearly got fried by the pulse from the core."
Miranda dashed out of her quarters and grabbed the cat with a squeal. "Oh, there you are Mr. Pursnikkety! Oh, Mummy's been so worried."
"He's...yours?" Tali questioned, shocked out of her mind.
"Oh yes," Miranda stroked the cat, who purred contentedly. "Since I'm not buying make up anymore, I had enough to afford him. Thanks for bringing him back Tali. I owe you girlfriend."
"You're...welcome?" Tali spoke to Miranda's back as the woman ran back into her room, cooing baby talk to her cat.
Jack spat out the mouthful of burger she was chewing through. "Fuck it, I miss the old cheerleader."
"Indeed," Mordin scratched his head. "While Miss Lawson looks twenty five, is closer to fifty. With Mr. Taylor engaged in sexual relations with Miss Goto, and Commander Shepard staying faithful to Liara, and not taking her on any missions, Miss Lawson has prematurely developed a mid-life crisis."
"How do we snap her out of this?" Samara demanded. All of the Normandy's women were currently in the Mess Hall, the Chick Code required them to aid Miranda in her time of need.
"Alcohol would be good, making her feel sexy again would be better, getting her 'laid' with an attractive human male would probably be the best option," Mordin nodded. "But in her current state, rehabilitation might take weeks, months..."
Kasumi pulled a portable make-over kit from a hidden compartment on her body-suit. She headed toward the XO's quarters. "I got this."
ONE HOUR LATER
"Hey Gardner, what's for dinner?" Shepard, Joker and Zaeed strolled into the Mess Hall.
"Got some real Boston Chowder for you," Gardner passed the bowl to Shepard. "Your favourite."
"Thanks Sergeant," Shepard lifted the bowl to his face, closed his eyes and inhaled deeply.
Opening his eyes, he dropped the bowl with a smash. Kasumi, Jack, Samara, Kelly, Tali were walking out of Miranda's quarters, all of them dressed up for a night on the town. But it was Miranda that caused Shepard's shock. Gone was the scrunchie and jersey. Her hair framed her face, done up in dark make up, her lips were coated in luscious black lipstick. For clothing, she wore a black halter top that showed so much cleavage, Shepard almost didn't need his imagination to picture the rest. The top showed her bare midriff, and there was a large gap between the top and the miniskirt on her waist. Knee high boots with six inch stiletto heels completed the outfit.
She still wore glasses, but they were sleek, chic and just added to the sex appeal.
"Hello Commander," the girlish lilt to her voice was gone. It had been replaced by a dark timbre that sent so many shivers up his spine, his senses almost overloaded.
"Hey Miranda," he stuttered as she stalked toward the elevator, an alluring sway in her hips.
Turning back to his friends, Shepard was not surprised to see Gardner and Zaeed writhing on the floor in the grips of cardiac arrest, Joker was screaming after having fainted and broken most of his bones on the floor.
"MIRANDA!" Shepard stormed into her quarters. "You better have a damn good explanation why you're not ready to...what the..."
"Good morning sir," Miranda hastily pulled the covers up over herself. "You know Staff Commander Alenko don't you?"
"Hey Shepard," Kaidan grinned from the bed. "I decided to join you after all."
A/N: There was a scene on 30 Rock where Tina Fey starts having a mid-life crisis, dresses in old hockey uniforms and buys a cat. It inspired me.