What Could Have Been
I'll never know
For a fact
How you might
Have been propelled to react
If I had taken
Advantage of the time
And pressed your lips
Hard, into mine
I will never forget
Would sleep that night
Be in bliss or regret?
All I feel
As nothing hurts worse
Then to not know
-Moss Perricone (Poem called "Regret")
When he gave me the remote control for the makeshift bomb he'd created in my right hand and held it with both of his, I could barely keep it together.
I didn't want Dean to see me this way, didn't want it to end this way, but I didn't regret what I'd done for him. My sacrifice was worth it.
When I looked into his beautiful green eyes and saw the terrible sadness in them I wished to tell him it would be okay, to not blame himself for what was coming next, but no words came out.
Then he kissed my forehead, soft, warm lips pressed against my pale, chilling skin, and my heart began to ache overwhelmingly for more. It took everything not to cry.
Dean pulled away and starred into my eyes and I wondered what he would do next. I wasn't expecting him to kiss me but he did. He finally kissed me.
I could feel the regret in the movement of his lips against mine and I realized he hadn't loved me just like a sister after all. Maybe we could have been more if I had survived; if I'd have agreed the night before to be with him. To spend our last night in each others' arms.
My heart filled with painful regret too. It hurt more than my physical injuries did.
I kissed Dean back with the little strength I had left and then he pulled away quickly, as though if he had kissed me any longer he wouldn't have had the strength to leave.
I heard him say "okay" and wondered if he was saying it to me or himself, and what meaning the word held.
He and Sam soon left, leaving my heartbroken mother and me alone to deal with the hellhounds waiting outside the front entrance of the store we were hiding in.
My mom took the chains off of the doors and then sat beside me, holding me close, and we waited for the hellhounds to storm in. Waited for our end.
I didn't want her to die with me but her being there was comforting. She wouldn't have to mourn me and I wouldn't have to die on my own with the hounds of hell that had caused the tear in my side.
I was so tired. I finally released some tears and closed my eyes.
When I did, I began to dream of what could have been.
I dreamed of Dean's kiss, so tender, and dreamed of being able to go back in time to my last night to say yes to him.
I could see us kissing each other with all our strength and feel the passion between us. I could see us climb up the stairs into a spare bedroom in Bobby's house and feel Dean press me up against one of its walls.
And then I was right there in that moment, wrapping my arms around his neck. He tugged up on my shirt and I allowed him to lift it over my head before I began working on the button of his blue jeans.
When we were nearly completely unclothed we fell to the bed and continued to undress each other there.
Afterwards, when we were free of every barrier, I laid my hands on his smooth back and enjoyed every sensation as he made love to me as I had always hoped he would since the first day I met him three long years ago.
It was all so perfect that I was in bliss when it ended and he dropped beside me and wrapped the bed sheets around us. As he pulled me close to his wonderfully sculpted chest I sighed in happiness and shut my eyes.
Never to open them up again.