Sasori stared at the sight before him in amusement, his feminine half-lidded eyes twinkling with silent, mocking laughter. He had seen many strange things during his life but, he had to admit, this was particularly fascinating to watch. As Sasori stood in the doorway of the recreation room, he had to put his hand to his mouth to suppress a snort. Only it didn't work. He watched as Hidan shifted around uncomfortably in his sleep, slowing gaining consciousness thanks to Sasori's unintentional outburst - his outburst at the sight of Hidan, asleep on the couch. Alone. On a Sunday morning, at that.
Now, while some may find these conditions not to be very unusual, to find Hidan like this was as rare, and as frightening, as the Armageddon. Why was it rare? Simply because Hidan was always a very busy man on late Saturday nights and not because of religious rituals or Akatsuki missions. No, the reason behind his unavailability was less of a chore and more of an indulgence. (Wink wink, nudge nudge.) Why was it frightening? Because it indicated to Sasori that Hidan either denied or was denied sex from Kakuzu, and both of those were bad news. Very bad news.
Despite the situation, Sasori calmly strode across the otherwise empty room and pushed half-naked Hidan off the cosy loveseat and onto the cold and floor in an effortless swipe to make room for himself. He switched on the television and changed the channel to the morning news as he did every weekend, but didn't really pay attention – he knew Hidan would soon wake up.
"Mmm... Nghh... Ow my back..." mumbled Hidan, as he woke up from an uncomfortable slumber. He rubbed his eyes and squinted at the morning light shining in from the numerous windows in the room.
"Hey, what the fu-" started Hidan, realising he was on the floor.
"Good morning Hidan," said Sasori emotionlessly, not even bothering to move his eyes from the TV screen.
Hidan drowsily looked up at the red-headed figure on the couch, and, pointing accusingly at him, he exploded in rage. "SASORI, YOU FUCKING SON OF A BITCH! YOU PUSHED ME OFF THE COUCH, DIDN'T YOU? DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHY I'M EVEN SLEEPING ON THIS SHITTY COUCH? I HATE YOU, DAMNIT! ARGHHH! NOT TO MENTION I HATE YOUR SQUEALY LITTLE BLONDE FUCK-BUDDY, AND ALSO YOUR CREEPY-ASS PUPPETS! IN FACT, I HATE EVERYONE! I HATE KISAME AND HIS CREEPY SMILE, I HATE ITACHI AND HIS- HIS EMO-NESS, I HATE THE LEADER AND HIS BITCH, AND THAT FREAK ZETSU, AND I REALLY FUCKING HATE TOBI! BUT MOST OF ALL I HATE KAKUZU, THAT FUCKING SELFISH MOTHER FUCKING SON A FUCKING BITCH!"
Sasori merely blinked; he had long gotten used to Hidan's frequent bursts of anger and cursing. "My, my, someone's particularly moody this morning... I wonder why?"
"I-, I-" Hidan stuttered. Maybe he was kind of moodier than usual... What happened last night...? Suddenly, Hidan stopped in his thoughts, remembering exactly why. And got even more furious. "NONE OF YOUR FUCKING BUSINESS!"
Sasori smirked, already aware that something had happened with Kakuzu, probably late last night (or early morning) seeing as Hidan had apparently resorted to sleeping alone on the couch. "Hmmm... I wonder if something happened between you and Kakuzu last night."
Hidan mumbled a curse at the floor irritably. How Sasori was such a fucking know-it-all he didn't know, but it sure as hell pissed him off.
"So, did you two have yet another fight?" It was no question of concern; Sasori just liked getting under people's skin.
Hidan looked up with one eyebrow raised dubiously. "Huh? A fight? Of course not, we just fucked."
Sasori closed his eyes and pinched his nose, feeling very repulsed. He would never understand these people... He opened his mouth to retort Hidan's vulgar comment, but found that he was rudely interrupted.
"Which reminds me – it's Deidara who takes it up the ass, right? Between the two of you."
This time it was the puppet who gaped. (Well, more like widened his eyes slightly). "...How do you mean?"
"Oh, come on, did you think I didn't know? Everyone fucking knows! The walls aren't made of steel, you realise?" He snickered, and began to imitate the famous blonde uke with a high-pitched voice which, in reality, he didn't have. "Oh, Danna~! Right there! Please Danna, hit it again!"
Sasori began blushing furiously, both at the intense memories and at the mortifying realisation that the walls were in fact thinner than he had expected, and waved his arms about in protest. "Thi-Thi-This is ridiculous! My sex life is between myself and my partner only. Do not ask any further questions-"
"So how do you do it? How do you dominate?"
"Dominate?" repeated Sasori. "Dominate?" He completely forgot his embarrassment, and was now feeling appalled at Hidan's attitude towards what he considered to be the ultimate act of intimacy with one's partner. "Making love is not about domination. It's about showing affection for one another, having two bodies moving as one, experiencing pleasure and making your partner feel- I mean, uh..." Sasori blushed again, realising he had probably just sounded, well completely gay.
Apparantly Hidan agreed. "Wow, for someone in your position, you're really fucking sad. If I could dominate I would flaunt it to the fucking world." He sighed theatrically. "Which is exactly my problem..."
"Y-your problem, you say? And what's that?" Sasori desperately jumped at the opportunity to change the subject. Luckily, he was helped out by a certain blue-skinned gentleman.
"You don't know the story, Sasori-san?" grinned Kisame knowingly, ringing in to the conversation. He strolled casually into the room and plonked himself down onto the couch next to the puppet.
Sasori shook his head slowly with caution, not sure if he wanted to know.
"It goes like this: after every time Hidan-san and Kakuzu-san have sex, Hidan-san gets really pissed off. And when I say really pissed off, I mean REALLY pissed off. And when I say REALLY pissed off-"
"Oi." Warned Hidan with glaring eyes, and motioned to continue the story.
"Oh, sorry, I forgot you were there..." Kisame apologised, scratching the back of his head sheepishly. "Where was I? Oh yes, and seeing as they do it once a day, you can see why Hidan is constantly moody-"
"Once a day? Once a day? Jeez Kisame, you're making me look fucking pathetic!" Hidan's expression quickly changed from annoyed to purely smug. "At least twice a day Kisame, at least. And that's if we both have missions the whole day. When we don't have missions, you ask? Well let's just say we only leave the bed to eat."
Kisame was speechless. Wow, what a libido... Thought Kisame. If only Itachi-san could have a fraction of that...
Sasori just rolled his eyes at Hidan's cockiness. But he had to admit, he was a tiny bit jealous.
"So? What seems to be the problem?" Sasori snapped, a bit annoyed. "What makes you so pissed off from having so much sex?"
"My problem? I'll tell you my fucking problem!" Hidan quickly regained his anger as he remembered the original subject. "I never get to top the Jashin-damned bastard! He never fucking lets me – whenever I try to he just uses his Jashin-damned tentacles, 'cause he's too much of a fucking control freak! Probably thinks it'd make him less manly or some shit! WELL WHAT ABOUT ME, DAMNIT! I'VE NEVER TOPPED HIM IN MY WHOLE FUCKING LIFE!"
Sasori was dumbfounded. "...So that's what this whole issue is about? You just want to, uh..." he paused awkwardly and drop his voice down to a whisper, "...take him up the ass?"
"FUCK NO, WHY THE HELL WOULD I WANT TO DO THAT? I LIKE KAKUZU FUCKING ME, OK? IT FEELS GOOD!" Hidan roared. "I WANT TO FUCKING RIDE HIM! I WANT TO BE ON TOP AND HAVE HIS COCK IN ME AT THE SAME TIME! IS THAT TOO MUCH TO FUCKING ASK FOR? HUH?"
Sasori and Kisame face palmed simultaneously. Too much information...
Then they both turned their heads as the man himself slammed open the door and stormed into the room. Kakuzu marched up to Hidan, grabbed him by his pale hair and hauled him painfully up off the floor, pulling Hidan's body towards him so that the two equally cranky faces were less than inches apart.
"You just woke me up, idiot." Kakuzu growled dangerously, his deep voice slightly muffled by the face mask he constantly had on. "And I do not like being woken up, unless it is for a morning fuck."
"I don't give a shit! At least you slept in the bed, you greedy bastard! I had to sleep on the fucking couch!" Hidan retaliated, struggling in Kakuzu's firm grip. He found he had to stand on his toes due to their significant height difference, and that pissed him off even more.
"You left the bed of your own accord."
"No, it was your Jashin-damned fault! You never let me top! If you'd just let me top I wouldn't leave the bed – I wouldn't want to fucking leave!"
Kakuzu glared at Hidan.
Hidan glared right back.
Suddenly, Hidan found himself being lifted from the ground as Kakuzu hauled him over his shoulder. "Hey! Fuck you! PUT ME DOWN!"
"We will sort this out in bed." Kakuzu said, walking out of the room, taking a kicking and screaming Hidan with him.
"No, we won't and you know it! We never sort it out! You're gonna force me to give you either a handjob or a blowjob, I just know it. Jashin will hear of this- FUCKING PUT ME DOWN!"
Sasori and Kisame remained on the couch in awkward silence, listening to Hidan cursing all the way down the hall. They heard the door slam, and soon enough, they heard Hidan beginning to curse for slightly different reasons.