9. Whipped (Bonus)
"Oh shit oh shit oh shit oh shit oh shit oh shit oh shit oh shit-"
"Shut. Up." Interrupted Itachi, pinching his nose looking like he had a headache.
"I agree; you need to calm down. What's going on?" Kisame asked Hidan, who was running around like a lunatic.
The three ninjas, along with Sasori who was doing his best to ignore them, had been sitting at the kitchen bench eating breakfast, when Hidan had suddenly got up off his seat as if he had had an epiphany.
"Kakuzu's fucking birthday is what's going on! Tomorrow! I can't believe I fucking forgot!" Hidan was seriously panicking.
"What's the big deal? Didn't buy a present?" Itachi droned, looking slightly bored as per usual.
"Well I've bought everything I need; I just haven't practiced my routine!"
Itachi frowned. "Routine? I'm afraid I don't quite understand..."
"Ah, Itachi-san?" said Kisame nervously, "I don't think it's a good idea to ask him what he mea-"
"That routine," started Hidan importantly, "would be my Super Special Raunchy Lap Dance-"
"Soooo!" Kisame butted in, reaching over to cover Itachi's ears, while Sasori appeared to turn a sickly green and clasped a hand around his mouth to keep from puking up his breakfast. "Um... how old is he turning?" he asked quickly, to change the subject.
"He is... uh... Hmm, I wouldn't have a fucking clue."
"Hn, he's probably somewhere in his second century by now," sniggered Itachi, causing Kisame to accidently let out a loud snort of laughter. Sasori had a newspaper held up in front of his face but was given away by his shaking shoulders.
"HEY, SHUT THE FUCK UP, HE IS NOT! HE'S ONLY IN HIS NINETIES, I SWEAR-"
"Like that's any better," chuckled Sasori, pulling down the newspaper slightly. "Just admit it; you're a victim of paedophilia."
"STOP MAKING SHIT UP, IT AIN'T FUNNY!" Hidan roared, getting quite flustered at the accusations. "BESIDES, IF KAKUZU'S A PEDO, THEN SO ARE YOU!"
Sasori opened his mouth to retaliate, but then he thought about it for a moment. "You actually make a good point..."
HAH, take that you fuckers! Thought Hidan with triumph.
"However, paedophilia is defined as the attraction to children. Seeing as neither you nor Deidara are technically children, I guess neither relationship is paedophilic. On the other hand, I believe a certain ninja here has not yet turned 18..."
Sasori and Hidan both turned to look at Itachi and Kisame, grinning somewhat malicious grins. Kisame gulped nervously.
"Congratulations!" Hidan said with sarcasm, slapping a guilty-looking Kisame around the back. Apparently he had completely forgotten that he had, just moments ago, lost his temper at the same treatment. "You, sir, are Akatsuki's one and only paedophile!"
Sasori's shoulders started up again, trying to stifle his laughter. Though secretly he was just glad it wasn't him being given the embarrassing title.
"C-come on guys, you don't actually mean it right? I mean- I'm not really a paedophile... am I?" Kisame asked desperately, his eyes darting from one laughing ninja to the other.
"Um, hello?" wheezed Hidan in between his laughing. He pointed at Itachi. "He's 17..." And then at Kisame. "You're 29, big fella."
"But... But..." Kisame turned to Sasori pleadingly.
Sasori shrugged with the air of helplessness. "Sorry, but it's true."
"W-well, it's the consent of the, um, child that really matters," made up Kisame. (Sorry Kisame, consent doesn't really have anything to do with it.) "And I have that, right, Itachi-san?"
"Hn." Itachi walked off.
Oh thank God... Kisame sighed in relief, wiping sweat from his brow as he watched the youngest Akatsuki member leave the room.
Unfortunately, Hidan hadn't had enough entertainment yet.
"'Hn'? Hmm, I'm not sure about you, Sasori, but that didn't really sound like a yes to me."
Kisame looked up in confusion. "No wait, y-you don't understand, that's Itachi-san's way off saying yes -"
Sasori smirked. "Definitely not a yes, Hidan, definitely not."
Kisame started to panic again, the distressed expression on his face priceless for the two other ninja. "I-it's true, I'll get him to tell you, please you have to believe me, I'M NOT A PAEDOPHILE!"
Hidan and Sasori literally rolled on the floor laughing, clutching their sides, as Kisame recklessly fled the room in a desperate attempt to regain his battered pride.