Cousinly Love

"Andromeda, I swear I'll never forgive you for this," said Sirius Black, glaring at his cousin Bellatrix.

"Nor will I," said Bellatrix. "Never."

"See, you agree on something," said a girl who's name was in fact Andromeda encouragingly. "That's progress."

"No, it isn't," said Bellatrix and Sirius in unison. The glares grew fiercer.

"I don't care," said Andromeda. "Now, sit down. Both of you. Now."
"What if I say no?" said Bellatrix poisonously.

"What if I say no?" demanded Sirius, looking extremely sour that Bellatrix had said this before him.

"Then, Sirius, I will tell Bellatrix that thing you don't want anyone to know," said Andromeda firmly, "and Bellatrix, I will tell Sirius that thing you don't want anyone to know."

Looks of terror crossed the cousins' faces.


They sat.

"Now," said Andromeda, "you two are not infants. Bellatrix, you are seventeen. Sirius, you are fourteen. And yet you behave like two year olds. All you ever do is fight and hex each other. And Cissy, Reggie and I – "

"Andromeda, leave me out of this," interrupted Narcissa, who was sitting in the corner, quite unnoticed.

"And me," said Regulus, who was sitting by Narcissa, quickly.

"Fine," said Andromeda exasperatedly. "I am tired of it."

"Oh, like you and Narcissa don't fight and hex each other every second of the day," snapped Bella.

"Not with the hatred you do," said Andromeda sternly. "Now. You two are going to learn to be friends."

Sirius pretended to choke himself. Bellatrix looked as if she was plotting a thousand ways to kill Andromeda. Andromeda pretended she didn't notice.

"Now, Bellatrix, you are going to give a list of five reasons you torment Sirius so."

"She does not torment me," interjected Sirius. "You only torment someone if the other person gives a hoot."

Andromeda rolled her eyes. "Whatever. Bellatrix, go."

For the first time she'd entered the room Bellatrix was smiling. "A) He's a Gryffindor, B) he's a traitor, C) he's an annoying little brat, D) he's much fun to torment because he actually cares – "

"I do not!" yelled Sirius.

"You do too," said Bellatrix smugly. "You cried once."


"You still cried."

"I was eight!"

"Yeah, whatever, you still cried. And E – "

"I do NOT care!" shouted Sirius.

"You do when your friends are there," accused Bellatrix.

"Hang on, what?" broke in Andromeda. "When were his friends there?"

"Four or five times," said Bellatrix.

"It was much more," insisted Sirius. "And I still didn't care!"

"Did too."

"Did not."

"Did too."

"Did not."

"Did too."

"Did not."

"Did too."

"Name one demonstration of any way I cared."

"You went all red."

"And that proves what?"

"That you care."


"It just does."

"No it doesn't."

"Yes it does."

"Ten galleons on Sirius," Regulus said out of the side of his mouth.

"You're so on," Narcissa said back.

"No it doesn't."

"Yes it does."

"No it doesn't."

"Yes it does."

"No it doesn't."

"Maybe she'll finally give up now," said Regulus out of the side of his mouth.

"Have you met Andromeda?" Narcissa said out of the side of her mouth.


Bellatrix and Sirius were standing on opposite ends of the rooms, faces red, shouting at each other. Andromeda stood in the middle of them. "ENOUGH!" she roared.

"If you two don't stop your nonsense," threatened Andromeda, "I am going to tell THIS WHOLE ROOM both things that YOU DON'T WANT EACH OTHER TO KNOW."

"NO YOU WON'T," roared Sirius and Bellatrix at once.

"If you do, I'LL tell THIS WHOLE ROOM what YOU don't want anyone to know!" declared Sirius.

Terror crossed Andromeda's face. "You wouldn't."

"I would," said Sirius firmly.

Andromeda crossed her arms. "Evil, evil child," she muttered. "Well, I'll still tell."

"UGGHH I HATE YOU ANDROMEDA!" exploded Bellatrix.

"ME TOO!" yelled Sirius.

"LET'S GO PLOT HER DEMISE!" suggested Bellatrix.

"C'MON!" agreed Sirius.

They stormed out together.

Andromeda watched them go. "Yess," she muttered. She turned to Regulus and Narcissa. "See! I told you I could make them agree on something! Now you both owe me thirteen sickles."

With great grumbling, twenty six sickles were passed over to Andromeda. "Andromeda," said Regulus after a moment, "you do realize what they're working together on."

Realization dawned over Andromeda's face. "Oh dear."

"I'd suggest running," advised Narcissa.
"S-see you guys, if I can," stammered Andromeda before running out of the room as if Voldemort himself were at her heels.

"..We never found out that thing that any of them don't want us to know," observed Regulus after a moment.

"Well, it's obvious," said Narcissa. "Andromeda's dating Ted Tonks, Bellatrix is afraid of spiders, and Sirius owns a Snuggie."

Regulus choked. "He does?"

"THEY KNOW," came three roars from two different parts of the house.

Narcissa and Regulus looked at each other.

"Let's run," suggested Narcissa.

And they ran all right. Fast.


A/N: Utter madness, yes I know. I hope it was at least sub-funny madness, though. :) Review, my lovelies!