A/N: So, I finally gave in and decided to do one of these things… despite the fact that I strictly told myself that I wouldn't. But with all the cute one-shot ideas parading around my head… well, let's just say that they make it hard to concentrate in class. The main purpose of this series is to see how UlquiHime would work out on the daily, and to see how many shenanigans Orihime can get Ulquiorra into, because she is who she is and he'll try to understand her, even if it kills him.

Disclaimer: I do not own Bleach or anything other copyrighted material.

Tell Yourself

By: Princess Kitty1

Completely Different

Ulquiorra Cifer sat on the living room sofa, his posture tense, eyes slightly wide in something akin to horror. He honestly could not believe what he was witnessing. In fact, it was so shocking that never would he have imagined something like this happening. It was simply beyond his comprehension, which was a preposterous thought in and of itself. But when it came to Orihime Inoue, he was beginning to learn that most things that she did made absolutely no sense, no matter how long he would lay awake at night pondering her behavior (six hours was the current record).

On the other end of the sofa, with her smooth legs tucked beneath her, Orihime was caught in a fit of uncontrollable laughter. It had gotten to the point where she was no longer even making sound; her upper body shook noiselessly save for the occasional squeak resulting from her sharp inhalations. Her lips were stretched as far as they could go, straight teeth clenched together, and she was nearly folded in half, her long red hair falling over her shoulders and hanging suspended in the air. Then she stopped altogether, her large eyes fixed on the television screen, and waited a moment before slapping both hands over her mouth, tears sliding down her cheeks as her eyelids squeezed together in another round of hysterics. "It hurts!" she squealed between her fingers before falling onto her side.

Ulquiorra had also turned his attention back to the television, slightly alarmed at the notion that she was in pain, but deciding against doing anything to soothe her – she had brought it upon herself, after all. No, he was more concerned about what was causing her to laugh so hard, as the fact that she laughed a lot no longer surprised him as much as it initially had.

On screen, a pair of humans clad in thick winter clothing traveled down a snowy slope on what looked like an oversized car tire. As they neared the bottom of the hill, the tube hit a hidden ridge at full speed, catapulting the humans a good ten feet into the air. Limbs flailing, they struggled to regain their balance as they descended towards the ground, but it was no good. Both plowed face-first into the snow, backs arching, legs curling above their bodies before settling with a thud. But the most horrendous thing about this clip had to be the fact that the two humans depicted could not have been over the age of five years… and Orihime, the girl who had worried herself sick over the safety of her companions, was in uproar, as if this was the funniest thing she had ever seen.

Immediately the television cut to a new clip, in which a couple dressed in what Ulquiorra recognized to be human wedding garments were climbing down a set of stairs. The bride, in her beautiful kimono, suddenly slipped and fell backwards, taking her startled husband with her. Right after that, a car on an icy street failed to brake properly and rear-ended the one in front of it, which then caused a chain reaction of at least six rear-endings that sent nearby pedestrians running in all directions. The montage of mayhem continued, all set to a cheerful rendition of the cancan, which Ulquiorra had recently learned – through an interesting demonstration from Orihime herself – was a physically demanding dance that, for whatever reason, involved high-kicking.

Finally the clips came to an end, returning to the show's grinning host and applauding audience. Orihime panted and giggled, wiping her cheeks, while Ulquiorra stared down at her, completely appalled. He had expected nothing when he had first come to live with her. In the past few weeks, though, he had been able to make a few tentative predictions as to what she would do in certain situations. But this… this display of inexcusable cruelty, of utter remorselessness was… was…

Well, to be honest, he wasn't sure if he should be disgusted or excited. He really ought to devote some time in the library to figuring out these puzzling emotions.

"Woman," he said to her as she straightened with an energetic woo! and reached up to fix her hair, "I do not understand what you found so humorous about those videos." She turned to him, blinking as if she had just remembered his presence.

It bothered him a little, but it unfortunately happened often; he had observed that Orihime had very vivid and engaging daydreams, which would cause her to frequently zone out, then have sporadic outbursts of nonsense throughout the day. Last time she had roused from one such fantasy, she had yelled for Ulquiorra to close the window before their dinner 'escaped.' Having been preparing said dinner at the time, he had stared down at the pan in confusion before she had run and closed it herself, complaining that for a former Espada, he sure was slow.

Presently, Orihime looked at the television, which was on a commercial break, then back at Ulquiorra. "Oh!" He stared at her expectantly, green eyes unblinking, mouth pulled down in something of a frown, and Orihime felt compelled to poke him in the chest for the umpteenth time to make sure the hollow hole was really gone."But… weren't you watching? It was hilarious."

"Yes, I noted that from your reaction," Ulquiorra said shortly. "What I do not get is how you could possibly find such violence against your fellow kind humorous, considering your dramatics in Hueco Mundo over the endangerment of your nakama."

Orihime's mouth fell open. "Ulquiorra, this is completely different!" She waved her hand dismissively. "No one actually gets hurt in those videos. I mean, sure it looks like they do, but it wouldn't be on the show if someone had truly gotten injured."

Ulquiorra stared at her flatly. "So what you are saying," he began slowly, "is that your species finds such sadistic behavior perfectly acceptable, so long as nobody gets hurt?"

She frowned. "Well, when you put it that way, it sounds so bad."

"I am merely making an honest observation."

Stretching her legs out and wiggling her toes within the confines of her socks, Orihime stood up and skipped towards the kitchen for a snack. "Come on, Ulquiorra! It's not that serious. You should loosen up every once in a whi-eel!" Her sentence ended in a scream as her clothed foot slipped on the tiled floor and she spilled onto her rear end. "Ah!" she hissed, reaching behind her to rub her now sore backside.

Ulquiorra, who had been watching a far-too-colorful commercial for a fast food restaurant, glanced at her over his shoulder. "Are you alright?" he asked noncommittally.

"Oh, yeah, I'm fine," Orihime muttered, grabbing the edge of the counter to hoist herself up from the floor.

Ulquiorra stared a moment longer. "Ha," he said finally, with the same detached expression as always, "ha ha." Then he barely managed to dodge an apple-turned-projectile, which slammed into the wall behind him with enough force to put a dent in the fruit. Orihime stuck her tongue out at him, her cheeks burning with embarrassment as she turned and pulled open the refrigerator, grumbling something along the lines of "It's not funny." Ulquiorra stood up to retrieve the bruised apple.

His pseudo-humanity may have caused him to lose some of his arrancar reflexes, but it hadn't robbed him of his ability to win an argument.

/

A/N: How was that? Cute enough? I guess I'll be updating this thing sporadically as more little drabbles come to me. This one was inspired by countless afternoons of watching America's Funniest Home Videos.

By the way, the title of this series, Tell Yourself, comes from a song of the same name by the Korean group Clazziquai. Look up the lyrics, then look up the song and feel free to dance around your bedroom. :D

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