So this is just a one shot that came to me randomly. Basically, I wondered how Megamind and Minion would handle a baby, and to make it more interesting (and hilarious), I decided to set it pre-movie – when they're still evil.
I hope you all like it!
Disclaimer: Don't own Megamind. But I own the baby who drives him insane.
Megamind had never been so bored in his life. Metro Man had gone on vacation in the Caribbean, forcing the super villain to wait a week before he could launch his latest evil scheme. Any other villain would take advantage of the fact that the superhero was out of town, but with Megamind, his plans always involved luring and fighting Metro Man – it was more fun that way.
He found himself practising his evil smile in the mirror; he had come to realize that his old one wasn't evil enough, so decided to use the spare time he had to find a new one. He was trying to decide between two when Minion plodded into the room with a box full of doughnuts and a glass of milk.
"Um, sir?" he began hesitantly, noticing the weird faces his master was pulling in the mirror. "Why are you pulling funny faces?"
"Funny?" the villain yelled, slamming the mirror down so it shattered into pieces, standing up at the same time.
"Ooh, that's bad luck for seven years, sir."
"They were not funny faces!" Megamind continued, ignoring his sidekick. "I was trying to decide between two evil smiles! But you said they were funny, so I'll have to start all over again!"
He threw up his arms in annoyance as he slumped back down in his chair, making it roll across the floor over to his desk. Minion hesitated.
"Er...what I meant to ask, sir, was are you pulling funny faces," he quickly corrected himself. "I couldn't see from all the way back here. Come on, show me your evil smiles."
"No, you've ruined the mood."
Megamind gave an exaggerated sigh, but then quickly shot up with a happy expression, chuckling.
"Well, if you insist!" he said, before showing his sidekick the two smiles. "So, what do you think? Number one or number two?"
"Oh, definitely number one, sir. Absolutely," the fish said. "But what was wrong with your old evil smile?"
"Because it wasn't evil enough!" the villain proclaimed, pointing a dramatic finger in the air. "Miss Ritchi was even going 'ha, ha, ha' at me when I wore it!"
"No, sir, she was going 'ha, ha, ha' because your last plan backfired on you," Minion reminded him.
Megamind just grumbled, spinning in his chair aimlessly. The fish sighed, casually glancing up at the monitors, but had to do a double take when his eyes noticed something unusual. A basket was resting right outside the front door.
"Sir, I think we need to get a secret entrance," he commented.
"Why do you say that?"
Minion pointed a single robotic finger up at the screen, and Megamind's green eyes fell upon the basket.
"Ooh! Someone's left muffins!" he cried with excitement. "How thoughtful! The Birch Tree Girls must be doing their rounds early this year."
"But they always charge, sir; they don't just leave baskets of muffins on people's doorsteps," Minion informed him, a suspicious tone in his voice. "It could be a prank."
"Stop being such a party-pooper, Minion!" his master said, pushing him towards the door. "Now go bring them in!"
The fish didn't have a choice. He sighed, opening the door and sticking his head out. There was no one around. His eyes drifted down to the basket; it could be a basket of muffins, but like he had said, it was more likely some sort of practical joke. For all they knew, there could be a snake hidden inside. Or bugs. Or worse, spiders. Minion decided to lift up the edge of the blanket and take a peek, just to make sure.
"Oh, this is not good."
Meanwhile, Megamind sat with a giddy smile on his face, almost hopping up and down in his chair with excitement. He loved muffins, especially the chocolate chip ones. They were his second favourite behind doughnuts. So it wasn't a surprise that he practically launched himself forwards when Minion re-entered the room.
"Gimme! Gimme! Gimme!" he cried, rolling forwards on his chair with his arms stretched out towards the basket.
But Minion held said basket out of reach, causing Megamind to keep going on his chair and crash into his CD case.
"Stop keeping them all to yourself!" the villain complained, picking himself up. "It's not fair!"
He strode back over to his desk in a huff.
"But sir, it's not muffins," his sidekick explained.
"Not muffins?" Megamind echoed, disappointed, but his face brightened up when another thought struck him. "Oh, so it's cookies."
"Nope, not cookies, either," Minion denied.
"Anchovies?" the fish repeated, confused, before shaking it away. "No, it's nothing you can eat."
"Then what is it?" Megamind asked, taking a sip from his glass of milk.
"It's a baby, sir."
And out went the milk. Megamind choaked on his mouthful, spitting it back out and thumping his chest to bring up the rest of it. After coughing a few times he gave his sidekick a crazy look.
"A baby, sir," Minion repeated. "You know? Small? Pink? They cry a lot?"
"You've gotta be kidding me?"
He hurried over to the basket, and lifting up the blanket, saw what Minion had seen. A small baby, fast asleep, and wrapped up in another blanket. The blue villain looked absolutely mortified when he dropped the blanket back over it.
"Minion," he began, in a low whisper in case the thing woke up, "if you knew it was a baby, why did you bring it in?"
"Well, I couldn't just leave it out there alone, sir," Minion explained.
"But an evil lair is no place for a little bundle of pink skin and bones!" his master hissed angrily. "What are we supposed to do with it?"
"We could always take care of it, sir?"
"What is this, your first day of being evil?" Megamind demanded. "We're super villains! Do you realize how much damage it'll do to our egos?"
"But we have to," Minion protested. "The note said so."
Minion pulled out a piece of paper which had been paper clipped to the baby's blanket.
"Give me that!" Megamind demanded, snatching it off his sidekick before he began to read it.
To who this may concern,
I find myself unable to take care of my daughter. For her well being, I ask you to look after her like she was your own.
"This thing better have a return policy," he sighed, screwing up the note and tossing it over his shoulder.
"Come on, sir, look at her," Minion pleaded, lifting up the blanket to reveal the sleeping baby.
"I'm a villain, not a babysitter!" Megamind yelled, his voice raising in volume. "And this, this is an evil lair, not a day care centre!"
Minion flinched, his gaze darting towards the baby; Megamind followed his gaze. The baby's eyes were wide open, looking directly at the villain. And her bottom lip was trembling. Megamind began to panic.
"No, no, no, no, no, no, no!" he cried, waving his arms to try and stop her.
But it was too late. The baby began to cry loudly, causing various Brainbots to scatter and Megamind to cover his ears.
"How can something so small be so loud?" he groaned. "Minion, shut it off!"
"It's not a machine, sir! It doesn't have an on/off switch!" the fish told him, picking the baby up out of the basket.
He hurriedly began to rock her back and forwards in an attempt to calm her down.
"What are you doing, Minion?" his master demanded.
"I read in a book that in order to calm a baby down, you need to rock him or her gently," the fish explained.
"What book was that?"
"The book I got on baby care," Minion continued. "I saw a TV show about it and thought it might come in handy someday."
"You've been watching Reality TV again?"
"I have to pass the time somehow when you're locked up in jail!"
"Then watch films like Rambo or Die Hard!" the villain yelled, his ears still covered to shut out the baby's cries. "And not all that sappy women stuff!"
"Sir, you yelling isn't going to help calm her down!" Minion pointed out, referring to the crying baby in his arms.
"Fine!" he grunted. "Go get the book!"
"Then you need to hold her!" Minion told him.
Before Megamind could protest, the fish placed the baby in his arms. The villain held it at arms length like it was some sort of disease.
"I'll be right back!" the fish called over his shoulder as he hurried out the room.
Megamind stared at the baby, who was still crying.
"Don't you have anything better to do?" he told her. "Crying really must take it all out of you, right?"
The baby just continued to cry.
"Ugh. Minion is taking far too long!" Megamind groaned, even though his sidekick had only been gone for twenty seconds. "I'll just find a way to shut you up myself."
Minion was only gone for a few minutes, but when he came back, he gave a girlish screech at the sight in front of him.
"Sir! You don't hold babies upside down!"
"What?" the villain questioned innocently – whilst he held the baby upside down. "I thought it might shut it up!"
"NO! Turn her back upright!"
"Don't be such a drama queen," he sighed, awkwardly turning the baby right-side up. "Now take it back!"
But Minion ignored him as he opened the baby care book, speed reading as he flicked through the pages.
"OK, it says here that babies usually cry when they're hungry," he read aloud.
"Then we'll give it some food!" Megamind proclaimed, picking up a doughnut.
"NO!" Minion cried, knocking the doughnut from his hand. "You can't give babies solid food! They don't have any teeth, so they can't chew it!"
"Minion, you're starting to scare me by how you know all this stuff!" the villain stated. "Keep it up and you'll force me to apply for a new sidekick. But what do we feed it if it can't chew?"
"Milk, according to the book," Minion replied, pointing over at the glass of milk. "Only it needs to be in a bottle. And warm."
So handing the crying baby back to Minion, Megamind picked up the glass, and after some thought, cut the thumb off one of his spare rubber gloves. He attached it to the glass and made a tiny hole at the top. Then, after using his laser gun to heat it up, he shoved it in the baby's mouth. She stopped crying and began to drink with enthusiasm.
"There," Minion sighed, passing the baby back to his master so he could hold the bottle in the baby's mouth, "that wasn't so bad, was it, sir?"
Megamind sent him a glare, which was enough to shut the fish up. When she was done, Megamind put down the bottle, just as the baby started to moan.
"No, don't cry again, please don't torture us again with your loud vocals of unhappiness," the villain begged.
"She must have trapped wind, sir," Minion explained, still reading the book. "You need to burp her. Rest her head on your shoulder, and then, pat and rub her back."
"Why am I having to do this?"
"Because my robot parts will get in the way and you're not wearing your spikes," Minion shot back.
"Fine," Megamind moaned, doing what his sidekick told him to do. "Like this?"
"Yeah, like that," Minion replied. "Just keep doing it until she burps."
After a few minutes she did, but something else also came out, too. Megamind's eyes widened when he felt it down his back.
"Minion, please tell me it didn't do what I thought it did," he begged, frozen in place.
"Er...I'm sure it'll come out in the wash, sir."
Megamind's face curled up in disgust, quickly thrusting the baby back to Minion before grabbing a towel.
"Babies are des-gas-tig!" he complained, rubbing the puke off his shoulder.
"Disgusting," Minion corrected him.
Megamind went to answer him back, but his nose suddenly sniffed the air, and he recoiled back in shock and horror.
"OH! What is that stench?" he demanded, covering his nose. "Who let off the gas bomb?"
"Ew," Minion agreed. "It seems to be emanating from there, sir."
He pointed at the baby's diaper. In that same instant, she began to cry again.
"Not again!" Megamind cried in annoyance, covering his ears.
"We need to change it, sir," Minion read from the book, placing the baby down on the desk.
"If it's done what I think it's done in that diaper, then you can't pay me all the stolen money in the world to get me to change it."
Minion unwrapped the diaper, but when he opened it, both villains gasped and recoiled back at the sight of it's contents. It was not pretty.
"Babies are a type of evil I never want to get involved with!" Megamind proclaimed.
"They're not evil, sir," Minion explained, handing the dirty diaper to a Brainbot and telling it to dispose of the item. "Just inexperienced. You were the same when you were a baby."
"I'm sure I wasn't as bad as this."
The baby had stopped crying by this time, but was still moaning in discomfort.
"She needs to be wrapped up before she downloads again," Minion explained. "So we need something absorbent."
"How about some fabric from my waterproof cape you made me?" Megamind suggested. "You know? When I turned the Atlantic Ocean into Jelly-O?"
"Yes, that'll work!" Minion agreed.
The cape was fetched by a Brainbot, and after cutting off a piece, Minion began to wrap it around the baby's body. But he kept getting it wrong.
"These instructions in the book make no sense," he complained.
After getting it wrong for the fifth time, Megamind sighed in annoyance. The sooner they got the kid wrapped up, he figured, the better.
"Stop making things more difficult than they are, Minion!" he said, pushing his sidekick aside.
The villain read the instructions, before he wrapped the baby up perfectly in the black, makeshift diaper. Minion was impressed.
"Not bad, sir," he congratulated.
"Any super genius can do that, Minion!" the villain explained.
He laid her back in her basket. The baby looked up at them both with wide, curious eyes; it was clear that she was not afraid of them. The two watched her as she began to suck her hand.
"Is it supposed to do that?" Megamind asked.
"I think she's teething," Minion observed. "You were the same at this age, from what I remember."
The fish looked around the room, before his gaze fell upon the glowing blue Binky sitting on top of his master's desk. He picked it up with a smile.
"That was what your Binky was for," he explained. "So we could give it to her..."
He began to hand it to her, but just as the baby's arms reached out for it, Megamind snatched it back and held it close to his chest.
"My Binky!" he pouted. "How dare you give it my Binky! This has got me through everything! My childhood, my failures."
But then he saw the sad look on the baby's face; her wide eyes and her trembling bottom lip. He let out an exaggerated sigh; he was going to regret this. Holding it out to her, he let her take it with a happy baby gurgle. She sucked on it with glee, kicking her legs out happily whilst making more baby noises.
"See? Ain't she cute," Minion cooed.
"As a super villain, I have vowed never to say that word," Megamind proclaimed. "But we can't keep it, Minion. It'll get in the way of all our evil schemes."
He didn't want to admit it to his sidekick, but he was also worried that she might get hurt. The eternal battle of Good and Evil was no place for a little one like her.
"Then we need to find her a suitable home," Minion suggested. "More importantly, a motherly figure."
"How? The only woman we know is Miss Ritchi," Megamind sighed, before a light bulb went off in his head. "That's it!"
"Miss Ritchi!" Megamind exclaimed happily. "She'll take the kid off our hands! I mean, an evil lair is no place for a baby, right? So she'll have to take it no matter what!"
"I guess it could work."
"Excellent!" Megamind cheered. "You go kidnap her and I'll stay and watch the kid."
So Minion left, taking the spray and the Forget-Me-Stick with him. Megamind waited until Minion was gone, before his eyes fell upon the baby again. Cooing, the baby reached out a hand towards his face. She was probably fascinated with his blueness, he decided. The villain looked cautiously round, making sure that no one was watching, before he blew a raspberry at her. She giggled in delight as he pulled more funny faces for her amusement.
Roxanne Ritchi hadn't expected to get kidnapped that week. Because Metro Man, her unofficial boyfriend, was out of town, there was no use in Megamind kidnapping her for his latest scheme. So it gave her a much needed week off from her second job as a damsel-in-distress.
But she was surprised to find Minion waiting for her when she got back to her apartment after a long day at work.
"Minion?" she questioned. "What are you doing here? You do know that Metro Man still isn't back yet, right?"
"I know, but this kidnapping doesn't concern that," the fish explained. "More to do with events we didn't see coming."
"There's a first," Roxanne sighed. "So why do you need me?"
"It's kinda a long story," he replied hesitantly. "You'll see when we get to the lair. Now, if you don't mind? Spray or stick?"
He held out both for her to choose.
"Spray," she said immediately. "I got a headache the last time you used the stick on me."
"Really sorry about that," Minion apologized. "We would use spray on you all the time, but we were all out that day."
And with that he sprayed it in her face, and her world went black.
When Roxanne woke up, she was blindfolded and presumably slung over Minion's shoulder. It was just like her usual kidnappings; knocked out, brought to the lair, tied up, blindfolded, a baby crying in the background...
Wait...a baby crying in the background?
"Minion, is that a...baby?" she gasped.
Minion set her down and took off her blindfolded.
"It was left on our doorstep," he explained. "We did try and take care of it; fed it, burped it, changed it's diaper. But we really don't know anything else besides that; the book I have only explains the basics. We thought that maybe...you would?"
Roxanne didn't answer. Instead, she followed the baby's cries, which led her into the main part of the lair. Megamind was standing in front of the basket, trying to get the baby to stop crying.
"Please, you're giving me a migraine!" he complained. "And believe me, mine are a lot worse than yours; my head is bigger!"
Of course, this wasn't helping the situation at all. So Megamind tried handing her the half empty bottle of milk, only to have it thrown at his head. Roxanne snickered, and he turned to face her.
"This is not funny!" he hissed at her. "How is this even funny?"
"Because you and Minion are the last people I'd expect to try and take care of a baby," Roxanne stated.
"It's not like we had a choice!" Megamind complained. "Minion was insistent that we kept it, and then it started to cry, and then we had to try and shut it up! It puked on me, and it made it's very own knock-out gas!"
Roxanne shook her head with a smile on her face as she walked over to the basket, reaching inside and picking the baby up.
"It's OK, darling," she told it. "Shush, shush, shush."
At the sound of her smooth, soothing voice, the baby began to calm down, until it stopped crying altogether. Roxanne rocked it gentle to and fro, with Megamind and Minion gawking at her with wide eyes and open mouths.
"How did you do that?" Megamind said with shock.
"Maternal instincts, I guess," she shrugged.
The baby had settled down, gazing up at her with wide eyes and talking baby nonsense.
"What I don't understand is why anyone would want to give up such a sweet little thing?" Minion said.
"Seriously, Minion, are you just asking to be replaced as an evil sidekick?" Megamind questioned with a groan.
"Sometimes mothers can't provide enough food and care for their babies," Roxanne explained, "so the only thing they can do for them is give them to someone who can. They do what's best for their child. But I can't imagine why anyone would leave a baby on your doorstep, of all people."
"And I would like this baby taken off my hands as soon as possible!" Megamind finished. "Meaning now."
"I'm sorry, but I can't take her," Roxanne explained sadly. "As much as I want to. But the sudden appearance of a baby will start more rumours about Metro Man and I, and that's the last thing I need. And I won't be able to cope with raising a child on top of my job and constant kidnappings by you guys."
"So you're just going to leave her here in an evil lair and in the hands of a dangerous villain?" Megamind questioned.
"For starters, you aren't as dangerous as you make yourself look," Roxanne shot back, "and you both did a pretty good job, by the looks of things. This diaper is even fitted correctly."
"That was his handy work," Minion spoke up, referring to Megamind.
"But it was!"
The villain nudged him hard.
"Don't worry, I already have a good home in mind," Roxanne assured them. "My cousin Rachel in Montana has recently had a...miscarriage, and has been desperate for a baby. I'm sure she'll take this little one in."
"Well, that's good to hear!" Megamind said, but wasn't really interested as he shoved the basket into her free hand and started to push her towards the door. "Now goodbye! We have evil things to be doing!"
"Wait," Roxanne stopped him. "Did you name her?"
"You know?" Roxanne questioned. "Give her a name?"
Megamind and Minion exchanged confused looks. They hadn't thought of that.
"I'll take that as a no," she answered for them, before she looked deep in thought. "Sapphire."
"Sapphire," she repeated. "A name for her. It's a blue gem stone. Giving the situation, I thought it fit quite nicely."
Megamind knew the 'blue' part was referring to him, and looked quite awkward about it.
"Yes, well, goodbye then," he said, picking up his Binky.
Sapphire suddenly started making whining noises, her little hands reaching out for the glowing blue object.
"Sir, I think she wants the Binky again," Minion stated.
Megamind looked between his Binky, then Sapphire, before he sighed in annoyance. What was wrong with him today?
"Just take it," he sighed, holding it out towards them.
With a happy gurgle, Sapphire took it and stuffed it in her mouth.
"Aw, that's so cute," Roxanne mocked him, knowing he hated it.
"Don't. Say. That. Word."
Roxanne smirked in triumph as Megamind strode away in an annoyed huff. If there was one thing she liked about him, it was how easily annoyed he could get. Which made kidnappings rather fun for her.
"Sorry about this, Miss Ritchi, but I'll have to knock you out again," Minion informed her. "We wouldn't want you finding out the location of our evil lair, now, would we?"
"Just drop Sapphire and I off at my apartment and I'll be good."
One week later...
"Miss Ritchi," Megamind spoke darkly, facing his captive whilst wearing his new evil smile. "We meet again."
"You have a new smile, I see," Roxanne observed, tied to a chair like many times before. "An improvement."
"Glad you think so, Miss Ritchi," he continued. "I spent a lot of time trying to perfect it."
Roxanne rolled her eyes. This guy had way too much free time.
"Sorry to interrupt, you two, but what became of the kid?" Minion asked, unable to hold the question back any longer.
"Ah yes, little Saffere," Megamind said.
"It's Sapphire, and she's fine," Roxanne told them both. "My cousin was more than happy to take her in. We had to go through a few legal things, but everything's fine now."
"I miss the little squirt," Minion sighed.
"Those application forms for a new sidekick are still in my desk, Minion."
"Oh, and while I remember," Roxanne remembered. "Minion, there's something in my purse. You'll see what I mean."
So Minion rummaged around in her confiscated purse, until he pulled out Megamind's glowing blue Binky. He handed it to his master, who took it back with slight emotion in his eyes.
"She gave it back?"
"When we got back to my apartment, she panicked because you two weren't there," Roxanne explained. "I think she grew attached, and by the looks of things, she wasn't the only one."
At this, Megamind snapped out of his days, regaining his evil smile.
"Me? Attached? Never!" he proclaimed. "Now, let's call your tanned boyfriend in tights, shall we?"
He stormed away to the video monitor, Roxanne watching him go with a raised eyebrow. It was times like this when she wondered just how evil Megamind really was.
Wow, that was long. Please leave kind reviews!