"Severus, how long have I told you that you need to get laid?"
"Six years." He drawled.
"Am I wrong?" Lucius smiled over his bottle of Scotch. This was a conversation they often had. Now a days' Snape rarely left his house. He was moody at best sadist at worst. Lucius figured that that was nothing a good romp couldn't fix.
"I know that look Lucius. I am not going to a whorehouse with you."
"You won't even go to a bookstore with me."
"Cute." Lucius snapped. But he had a plan. If he couldn't get Snape to the ladies then he would bring them to him, "Do you have a computer?"
"Severus you grew up with muggles. You mean to tell me someone of your intellect doesn't know what a simple central processing unit is."
"I know what it is. I am surprised that you know what they are. Why would you want such a huge muggle mechanism?"
"So is that a no?"
"Yes, that's a no."
"Good, I had a house elf install you one in your basement library."
"You what!" Severus hissed before running downstairs to see a small flat screen and wireless mouse. Apparently computers had gotten much smaller since he was a child. Lucius pulled up a chair and pointed out the basic uses of the computer.
"I do not need one." Severus told him yet again.
"Wait I've saved the best for last!" he said clicking on the capital E in the corner, "The internet."
"Oh it's only the best invention muggles has offered this world since home plumbing."
"You can use it to find anything. Learn anything. And find old friends. My favorite thing to do besides engage in pornography is to Textbook."
"It's a social network. Here I'll show you!" Lucius smiled as he typed in his email () and password (Wand4U) in the upper right hand corner. In a matter of seconds Snape saw a somewhat indecent picture of Lucius with his chest exposed all the way down to a thankfully brief glimpse of pubic hair.
"What is this!" he pulled back.
"Excited? Maybe I mistook your taste … oww!" Lucius rubbed his head where it was struck.
"You wish to show me your bachelor page?" The vain on Snape's head twitched as he held his fist clutched deciding whether or not to strike the man again.
Covering his forehead, "Oh not just that. Check my friends list."
"You don't have a thousand friends Lucius. I would know."
"Oh there not friends per say. They're all girls on my shag list. I speak with them often. Here take a look at Marie Shagwell," he said bringing up a picture of a girl in a too small bikini, "and Allota Fagina." This girl had her legs open to camera.
As Lucius continued to scroll Snape had to admit there were a lot of beautiful dames. But none of them would be interested in him. Lucius had a look that girls longed for. Tall, lean, muscular all though not as much as he, long hair, perfect white smile, etc. No woman in her right mind would see his face and love it.
Even the prostitutes he slept with hated the very sight of him. The only thing that kept them around was that he had one the size of a …
"Are you going to make you one or not?" Lucius asked impatiently.
"Fine. Then I'll make you one."
"NO!," he shouted louder, "I'll do it myself."
"Very well I have to go. Draco and I are on a double date."
"No it's smart. Draco has a lot to learn from me. You know I often wonder if he even remembers Narcissa."
"Her death was not your fault."
"If I would had never sacked that oaf she still would be alive. He killed her out of spite. Azkaban was far too kind a punishment for him even if it's a life sentence."
"Lucius." Severus turned to him. He wasn't good at the comforting thing. After a moment of silence Lucius pulled back on his travel cloak.
"I left instructions. Have fun Severus."
Sighing he figured it was best to get this over with before Lucius came back. After making an email address he got started. His password was easy enough (Lily01). Till today he loved her. He was there for her before Potter even came into their lives. He was there for her when a student had called her a mudblood. He was there that year when Potter dumped her in order to date Jane Debutant, the most beautiful woman in Hogwarts at the time. He was there for her whenever she needed a shoulder to cry on.
He had figured that, by the time they graduated, she would be waiting for him. That they'd share their first kiss under the Whistling Willow. Graduation came and after all were handed their scrolls he went in search of her.
He found her under the willow sharing the kiss that should had been his with James Potter. It was heart breaking. His best friend, Lucius, had told him that Lily was no good. That she would never be his. Oh how he hoped that his friend was wrong.
A year later and the woman had the nerve to invite him to the wedding. But since she asked he came to see her. He had tried to convince her to see reason. He remembered the day as if it were yesterday:
"You promised me that you would give us a chance!"
"I was young then!"
"Lily it's only been three years!"
"I … I …"
"Please Lily. I love you. Don't do this."
"I want more."
"What can he give you that I can't?"
"When I'm with him people respect me and when I'm with you people pity me."
"What is that supposed to mean?"
"Look at you," she pointed at his body, "Look at your pale skin, hooked nose, and scrawny body. Did you honestly think I can ever fall in love with that!"
He had never been so mad. He drunk far past his heart's content. He tossed his books on the street. He was going to hang himself when Lucius stopped him. Told him that he had more to live for. Told him that everything would be ok. Lucius had saved his life. That was twenty years ago.
Lily had tried to apologize to him, but his heart could bear the pain no longer. He refused to see her. Even if his heart still only beat for her believing that someday she would want him. Only him.
"A picture? I don't want to show myself lest I have negative friends."
.The Next Day.
"A flask? Kinky." Lucius said inspecting Snape's page picture.
"Why must your mind always be in the gutter?"
"Your interests are potions and books? Boring. How about romantic novels, playboy magazines, cook books. Ladies love that."
"I am supposed to lie?"
"Oh why not. It's not like anyone knows you. Oh and never enter a religion. Don't want to scare the catholic girls off …"
"How do you get friends?"
"People will either request you or you can request them. Now make your intentions clear Severus. My page practically screams I want to bed you. Yours says you have a career as a celibate who lives in his mother's basement."
"Which is obviously not true!" he barked.
"But that's what they'll think."
"Maybe I should get rid of my textbook page." Severus growled.
"No need to get mad. I'm sure you'll make friends soon. Now I'm going on vacation with Fiona Dates for two weeks, then I'm going to have a family meeting, then Malfoy wants to introduce me to someone, and don't forget about the class reunion. Do try to bring a date. Lily will be there."
"Stop letting Potter get to you. He used to be jealous of you you know. The gangliest boy on school always hanging out with the beautiful Ms Evans. He tried to take her away, but in the end it was she who left you. Let it go. Move on."
"So you won't be trespassing for a month?"
"Don't cry," he rolled his eyes sarcastically, "I'll see you at the reunion."
"Goody." He said gravely as his friend apparated from his sights.
Oh and note in this version Voldemort doesn't exist. Hermione never went to Hogwarts like Ron and Harry. Narcissa died when Draco was a baby … and the rest you'll just have to wait and see oh and the girl names mentioned belongs to Austin Powers not me