Romance for the Dumb and Eccentric
A Katekyo Hitman Reborn! fan fiction by Hitokiri-san
A/N: What am I to do, after Reborn chapter 315 has presented us with so much Shitt. P/Gokudera? This fic is more silly humour than romance (Shitt. P doesn't even appear at all), and is set after the Succession Arc: in which the whole thing was a misunderstanding, the Vongola and the Simon kids became best of friends or something, and life went on. Beware of Gokudera and his nerdiness.
"Tenth," Gokudera began, finally, and both Tsuna and Yamamoto perked up with interest; they'd been waiting this out for days.
"Yes?" Tsuna said eagerly, because four days of watching his friend flail around like a lost octopus (fitting metaphor, that) had become something like the mental torture Reborn sometimes put him through. He knew what the Storm Guardian wanted to say; hell, Yamamoto knew what the silver-haired teen wanted to say, so Tsuna wished Gokudera would cut the constant flailing and just be out with it.
Gokudera had the subtlety of a crashing freight train when it came to how he felt about other people ("Here, baseball idiot…shut up! It's not a birthday present!" ), and still had the gall to be blatantly clueless to how transparent he was ("How do you know I want to be the Tenth's right hand man?). It was pretty amusing most of the time, Tsuna conceded, but this time just wasn't it.
"Er, Tenth, I've been thinking about strengthening ties between the Vongola and the UMA community because you never know when they could be trusty allies and it would also be wise to maintain a decent diplomatic relationship with the Simon Family no matter how much of a jerk they are and it might be wise to start with the UMA since everyone else in that Family is a jackass and…"
Tsuna raised a hand to stop his endless tirade, already feeling the urge to bang his head against something. Gokudera flailed some more. He was getting really tired, and it wasn't even midday yet.
"Ask her out, Gokudera-kun," Tsuna deadpanned, and when Gokudera simply looked flustered, he clarified, "Shittopi-chan. Just ask her out already."
"Yeah, Gokudera! Ask her out! I think she'd agree!" Yamamoto chirped in agreement, like he'd been in the business of love counselling from the very start.
Gokudera looked astonished at their knowledge. For the first time in his life, Tsuna seriously considered punching him in the face.
Luckily, Yamamoto saved him from having to make that decision. "Like, Gokudera, you can start by getting her something! I'm sure all girls like gifts, ha ha."
"Y-yeah," he fidgeted, looking shy, of all things. Gokudera did not look shy. Obviously, he was as crippled at romance as he was at friendship.
Tsuna was certain he'd need a whole bottle of eyewash by the end of this day.
"I…I figured as much. I'm thinking of giving her a skull made of glass…"
Please let him be joking, Tsuna found himself thinking, because hell, he wished that at least his friend could be sane in the romance department, at least, even if his sanity was dubious in everything else. He'd nearly forgotten that this was a man who wore at least four skull-adorned accessories on his person everyday.
"… it'll look exactly like the Mayan Crystal Skull. Is that good enough?"
It is, thought Tsuna, if Shitt. P is thinking of willing some guy's death through dark magic. It seemed, sadly, a rather Shitt. P-like thing to do. Yamamoto laughed while he wallowed in his speechlessness.
"That's cool!" the Rain Guardian praised, excited, and Tsuna was relieved that Gokudera's expression had eased into a more familiar one of smugness, "but what about getting her something like a dress? I think girls like that kind of stuff more."
Tsuna brightened, glad that he knew at least one person who retained some semblance of reason.
"Che! As if you'd know!" Gokudera scoffed, disdainful, and reconsidered his priorities. "…what kind of dress?"
"She likes clothes that are cool and unique, right? Maybe you can get her a dress made of meat. Or vegetables. Or even bubble wrap!"
"…" said Tsuna.
Gokudera, on the other hand, blushed furiously at the image, and attempted to blow Yamamoto up for a reason entirely unrelated to the usual "Right Hand Man issue" altogether.
Tsuna sighed, and didn't bother to remind Gokudera that wearing bubble wrap wasn't really going to make Shitt. P any more exposed than she already was. One of these days, he was going to gather his courage and just admit to himself that his friends were, for lack of a better description, incurable psychos.
"I think Shittopi-chan just confessed to your Storm Guardian," Enma Kozato told him, in a voice that suggested his brain was broken, when he came to freeload at his house two days later.
"…I thought Gokudera-kun said he's going to ask her out? With crystal skulls and bubble wrap dresses and whatnot?"
Enma looked bemused. "Ah. I guess Shittopi-chan beat him to the punch. She descended upon him from the sky tied to something like a flying saucer."
"…oh. Okay." They sat together in a moment of broken-mindedness.
"I think she also offered to take him on a chupacabras-sighting trip somewhere in the Americas, for their first date."
"…Chupacabras?" Tsuna inquired, absently, because he wasn't into cryptozoology and would never want to be. He was now sure it does unspeakable things to your sanity.
"Something like a bald coyote," Enma shrugged, blank-eyed.
"…" Tsuna took a look at Enma's tired, tired face, and remembered why they empathized with each other so much from the very beginning.
"You'll do well to tag along for the chupacabras hunt too, Tsuna," Reborn mused, his head appearing from under the table. Both Tsuna and Enma shrieked. "It might be good training. A boss needs to know what to do when attacked by mystical creatures."
"…why would a mafia boss be attacked by mystical creatures anyway?" Tsuna asked, reasonably, but Reborn kicked him and switched targets.
"Enma," he blinked pitch black eyes at the redhead; Enma curled up further on his chair at being addressed, "any child of Gokudera and Shitt. P's will be a Vongola. I think it'd be best if we establish this first."
There was an eerie silence among them, like things dying, and Enma stood, wobbling the few steps to the doorway and falling straight out of Tsuna's room.
Tsuna very deliberately shut down his brain, and did not think about gothic babies with skull accessories and oversized sunglasses.