AN: This fic is very unusual- it consisted of TWO bouts of spontaneous crack generation, rather than the normal single run. This mean that the second half, which was written like, a year ago, probably meshes with the first half a little oddly. However, since this is crack, I don't care. I wrote it for my own entertainment anyway. Enjoy.
The Varia was in chaos.
Well, to be honest, this was a completely normal state of affairs for the Varia. The problem was the fact that Squalo had stopped doing damage control. Instead of reigning in his comrades, as was his contractual obligation, Superbia Squalo was sitting in a bathtub getting piss drunk and threatening to disembowel anyone that knocked on the door. Those that forewent knocking got shit thrown at them. This had been his state for the past four hours now.
This was Squalo's third minor mental breakdown this month, and Xanxus was forced to realize that his second probably needed a vacation. Like, badly.
And so, Xanxus blew off the door to Squalo's bathroom, threw a towel at his head, and informed him that he was going on a god damned vacation and that if anyone saw him anywhere near the Varia mansion for the next two weeks he would get his head blown off. He would also get his head blown off if after the vacation he still sucked this badly at his fucking job. Now he should get out of the damned bathtub, as there was a plane to anywhere-but-here he had to catch.
Grateful and just drunk enough to show it, Squalo thanked him and climbed out of the tub. Xanxus kindly reminded him that he was going to want to put on pants before actually leaving. For his kindness he was rewarded with the words "Fuck off, jackass, I'm off duty. I ain't putting up with your bullshit now." This comment is what spurred the "No One But Xanxus Is Allowed To Drink While At Work" clause in the Varia contract, which no one ever quite forgave him for.
One week into his vacation, his lovely, wonderful vacation wherein Squalo for the first time actually got to spend more than two days with his lover; his lovely wonderful, relaxing, sex-filled vacation; Squalo realized that Xanxus COULDN'T fire or kill him despite the threats he made, because if Squalo was gone no one would be left to actually run the Varia.
He was having a nice lunch in the Cavallone dining room when his phone rang. Dread welling in his heart, he answered the call and the phone's video screen flickered to life, revealing with the scowling visage of Xanxus, flanked by Levi and Lussuria on either side of the chair he sat on. Squalo furrowed his brows and snarled, "Voooiiii, what the hell is this? You're the one told me to take the damned vacation, what the fuck are you calling for, damn it?"
"Squalo~! Everything's collapsing and we need you to come back home before Xanx-OW!" Lussuria's whine is interrupted by a sharp smack to the head courtesy of his boss.
"Shut up, Fag! We can run the damned Varia without him, it's two fucking weeks!" Xanxus turned back to the vidcom screen, scowl still straining his features. "We're not gonna fucking collapse. I just need you to tell me where you recruit files and the mission reports are." He looked mildly thoughtful for a moment. "And my wallet. You're usually the one who has that, right?"
Squalo only barely resisted the urge to slam his face into the table in frustration. "I TOLD you where they were before I left! And Haru is the one who keeps your wallet, not me. I keep track of the Varia's funds, not your personal affairs." A brief pause. "Anymore."
"Well, Haru's not here, either! Something about her dad having a heart attack or getting remarried or something, I wasn't listening. Just tell us where all the paperwork is so Levi can balance the budget and the recruits stop complaining about not getting their paychecks, or whatever the problem is."
"You're not seriously going to have Levi do the accounting, are you? That guy is completely retarded!" An indignant noise from the aforementioned man went ignored. Squalo continued. "And what the hell do you need you wallet for anyway? You don't even every go anywhere, you just hang around HQ and get drunk and throw things at people!"
"The only one I throw things at is you for that mouth of yours! If you fucking knew how to shut up once in a while I wouldn't waste so much good liquor on your head! And my wallet is where my Varia ID is because I need by damned pin number to finish working on the accounts!"
"Your pin is only six fucking numbers, how can you not remember it?"
"Because I don't ever fucking USE it! You're the one who does all the paperwork bullshit, what the fuck do I need to know this for?"
Squalo really did bury his face in his hands this time. "Okay. Your pin number is 623841; have Bel and Marmon do the accounting together because alone Bel is distracted too easily and Marmon tends to work the numbers in her favor but together they usually stay on task. All of the paperwork is in the metal file cabinet in my office, and the spare key to it is in your office sitting under your desk lamp. The information for the Varia's bank account is on my computer, on the desktop in the file labeled 'SHIT I NEED TO KNOW.' In fact, anything else you'd need for balancing the budget is probably there, too. And if you call me again while I'm on vacation, I'm fucking QUITTING. Is that all?"
Rather than giving a verbal reply, Xanxus opted to just cut off the communication (via small explosion). Squalo sighed, letting his head fall into the tabletop with a muffled thunk and muttered to himself.
"Oh my god, I hate them all. I really do. Fucking idiots. They probably set half the mansion on fire while I was gone. I'm sure of it, actually. I'm gonna get back and half the mansion is just going to be GONE."
Dino smiled sympatheticaly at him. "Will you feel better if I blow you?"
Squalo didn't bother to move. "Yes please."