A/N: Welcome my friends, to the first episode of The Prince of Kings, a episodic comedy fanfic based in the Katamari Damacy universe. It features all members of the Royal Family, The Prince, his dad the King of All Cosmos, his mom the Queen of All Cosmos, and all of their cousins and relatives. Every story I publish will count as a 'season', and the chapters will be known as 'episodes', which usually come in three or four parts (three or four chapters). If I get enough positive reception (on or offline) after this episode has concluded, then I'll work on further episodes, and eventually further seasons. For now, please enjoy (and review) the first 'episode' of The Prince of Kings.
THE PRINCE OF KINGS
EPISODE 1: Katamari Pilot (Part I)
It was a rather calm day- err, night, on Planet Prince, a small, green orb in space circling the planet known as Earth. On Planet Prince, a small yellow house with a bright red roof sits, and within dwells a tiny green being, not much taller than five centimeters. It may not occur to the educated mind, but this being is the rather tiny son of the most powerful being in the Cosmos, the King of All Cosmos, known simply as The Prince.
Let's take a look inside and we'll see the Prince- Hey, what gives? He's not here! Oh... wait, I forgot to mention something: The Prince is skilled at rolling magical adhesive balls called katamaris. The tiny Prince rolls those katamaris here, there, and everywhere, and eventually his dear old dad, the King, turns those katamaris into stars or planets. A rather easy process, yes? Well, not so. If you were to ask him how he feels about all that rolling, he would- Oh, hold up. It looks like the Prince has come back, and boy, does he look mad. Let's listen in...
"Gah! I've HAD it with those dumb balls! I'm through!" Prince yelled in anger as he threw open the front door, then slammed it behind him. He stormed to the couch and plopped himself down onto it, face-down. "I swear, the next time Mr. King of All Crapheads shows his mug again I'm gonna just... Gah!"
Prince continued mumbling and grumbling while laying face-down on the couch. This was not his day, but what happened? Let's take a little flashback to earlier today, specifically six minutes ago.
=====[Six minutes ago, on Earth...]=====
"Now then Our nearly-microscopic son, are you ready for today's rolling?" The King's instruction head asked Prince, having recently sent him to an Earth neighborhood for his daily katamari assignment.
"Wonderful." The King said, ignoring Prince completely.
He then turned to the five other small strange beings that had tagged along with them, all standing on a picket fence in a line. These were five of Prince's cousins, and they just so happened to be the ones he hated most. Their names were: Marcy, a multi-colored and hot-headed cousin who had recently discovered 'fashion'; Mu, a pitch-black colored, very mischievous and sinister cousin; Ace, who looked like Prince but orange-colored and spiked ends on his head, and he had even traded butts to a spikier model as well, but it hadn't generated much buzz; and Paula, a tall, pink, flower headed cousin who looks pretty, but is terribly snooty. They even brought along Opeo, another cousin who's always in terrible physical condition, evident by the bandages that cover nearly his entire body.
"How are Our relations doing back there? Ready to enjoy the show?" The King asked.
Marcy quickly responded. "Oh yeah yeah Sir King dude! Totally ready!" He said, but then silently added, "Ready to watch Prince get his ass kicked once again."
Mu snickered evilly. "Yes... Indeed, let us see the Prince's latest failure, so I may later steal his soul when it is broken by all that depression. Muhahaha..."
"Mu, you seriously scare the crap out of me sometimes..." Prince said, and shifted back a bit.
"Heeheehee, come on Prince baby! Show us what you got!" Paula said, giggling in her typical malevolent fashion.
Ace spun several times in place, then spoke. "I'll see ya at your chopping block, Princey! Heheheh..."
Opeo just moaned and rubbed his casted limbs, throbbing with near constant pain. "Ohhh... Why did you jerks bring me here? I already have three hip fractures, five ripped tendons, a ruptured spleen, a-"
Before Opeo even finish Marcy cut him off. "Why are you here? So I can do... This!" He said, and tripped Opeo.
"-brain stroke, a collapsed lung, Hepatitis A&B, and- Ack! What the hell are you doooooooooooing!" Opeo yelled as he was tripped and he fell off the fence, falling a couple feet before landing on the pavement. THUD!
"OW! SON OF A- WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT FOR YOU ASS?" Opeo screamed as loud as his damaged lung will let him, and groaned in terrible agony.
Marcy, Ace, and Mu all laughed. "'Cause it's funny! It's always funny to watch others in pain!" Marcy said, and laughed again.
Prince just watched the quintet with contempt and sighed heavily, then turned to his dad. "Can we speed things along now? Just tell me how big I gotta get this thing and how long I have, will ya?" He said, and gave the katamari in front of him a pat.
"Well, a little impatient today, are we? Fortunately for you We are in a good mood." The King said, "We need you to roll a katamari about... let's say 2 meters, in... 4 minutes time from this 50 centimeter one. Happy?"
"Somewhat. I'm just gonna g-"
"Wait! We're not finished yet. We haven't droned on about useless topics like We usually do. We fell behind Our quota two weeks ago, and We have serious catching up to do. So, We were thinking about getting into knitting..."
"Yeah, good luck with that. I'm gonna just-"
"Silence! We're not done! Now, where were We? Ah, yes. Pointless topics. Now you see, it all began when..."
(One minute later...)
"...We had never before seen such beauty! We felt like crying. Just a little. Anyway what were We thinking? Oh, right. That time when..."
(Another minute later...)
"...And so, We began on Our quest to fix the night sky, all by Our lonesome. It was sooooo tiring, but We prevailed..."
(YET ANOTHER minute later...)
"...And that, Our dear Prince, is the story of Our life. Now then, get back to rolling!"
Prince had fallen asleep about thirty seconds into the King's lecture, and when he finished Prince woke with a start. "Aah! What? Where am I? I was dreaming about... uhh... muffins. Yeeeeeah... that's it."
"We will take that last statement as an "I'm ready." Which is good, as you only have one minute left."
"What the hell? Where'd the other three minutes go?"
"We have no idea, you were standing there doing nothing. Just get rolling!" And with that, the King's instruction head vanished.
Prince stood for a moment, dumbfounded.
"Yo Princey!" Ace yelled out to Prince, "Better get your ass in gear, or some serious punishments coming your way!"
"I know Ace, so shut your clap trap or I'll snap it shut it for ya!" Prince yelled back angrily.
"Oooooh! Big, scary Prince of All Cosmos! You're terrifying us! Hahahahaha!" Marcy shouted, laughing madly.
"Argh! Screw you both, I'm going!" Prince barked at them, and blazed off from his starting point, his katamari only 50 centimeters in starting size. Huge compared to Prince, but not nearly big enough for the King's demand.
In the 47 seconds Prince had left, he only managed to roll up a few bits of junk, getting the katamari up to 73 centimeters and 4 millimeters. Pitiful, I know.
The King's head reappeared, and started speaking immediately. "Well, now that you're d- Wait a minute, this is WAY too small! You aren't even close! You disappoint Us, Prince."
Prince was about ready to blow a fuse. "You ass! You're the one who chewed up like three whole freaking minutes of my time talking about perfectly pointless crap!"
"You could've ignored Us. As usual. *sigh* You ALWAYS ignore Us."
"You wouldn't even let me do that! You're such a stubborn MULE! You heard me! This whole katamari shtick is useless! YOU'RE USELESS! SCREW YOU ALL, I'M GOING HOME!"
Prince, nearly bursting with pure fury, stormed away and flew back into the Cosmos, towards Planet Prince.
"My, oh my..." Marcy said sarcastically, "Prince is one troubled... thing."
Paula sighed. "Silly Prince, he's such a useless bloke."
"'Bloke'? Seriously Paula? Does anyone even say that anymore?" Ace said.
"Can I help being a rich snob who talks this way? You should watch where you're sitting, because that pointed buttocks of yours could punch a hole in steel!"
"Why you...! Take that back you little-"
Ace tackled Paula with a yell and the two began brawling, winning the cheers and laughter of both Marcy and Mu.
The King sighed, ignoring the fight unfolding before him. "Why Us? What have We done to anyone? Now even Our own son walks out on Us. How can We believe anything anymore?"
=====[Back to Present]=====
Oh, so that's what happened. Tough break. Anyway, Prince lay down on his couch, shouting angry curses towards his dad, to Marcy, Ace, Mu, and to some degree Paula.
I've had enough of this crap! It's WAY too much! Prince thought angrily, I need to get away from it all... get away from... need rest... and relaxation...? He suddenly realized the solution. "Ahhh, yes... VACATION TIME! Ha! I don't care what dad thinks, I'm taking a vacation, baby!"
With this new goal set in mind, Prince ran over to his bed, and pulled out a briefcase from under it. Opening it and placing the case on his bed, Prince began to rush around his house and scoop up every possible item that may be needed for vacationing: Sunglasses, a camera, a flower-patterned shirt, a book titled 'Vacationing For Dummies (And Kings)', and everything else that might be nice to have on a vacation.
Prince filled up the briefcase, then shut it (barely) and locked it, before picking it up and rushing out the door, all the while humming the tune of 'Katamari Holiday'.
Prince flew by the Mushroom Planet on his way to Earth to bid farewell to his cousins (the ones he liked anyway). The Mushroom Planet is exactly what it sounds like, a planet orbiting Earth near Planet Prince that's shaped like a mushroom. All of the Prince's cousins gather (and often fight) here.
"Hey peeps!" Prince said as he landed on the planet's surface, and was immediately greeted by three of his favorite cousins: Dipp, a sparkling and flashy cousin that's surprisingly kind; Peso, a gentle (if unintelligent) cousin with a roundish head and grey-colored body; and Beyond, a light-pink, tall, fairly weird-looking cousin that wears green custom-made pants. Other cousins, like Odeko, Hans, Ichigo, Nik, Velvet, and Havana were also there, and they waved to Prince as he landed.
"Cuz! Howya been Prince?" Dipp said, full of energy and practicing some dance moves, as he usually did.
Peso also greeted Prince. "Hi there, how's my fav cousin?"
Beyond looked down from his high vantage point at Prince, and shuffled a bit. "Yo, howsit going with you Prince? I saw that little incident earlier... Boy your dad looked pissed."
"That's already occurred to me Beyond, thank you so much for stating the obvious." Prince said, sighing, "Anyway, yeah I've been okay, besides that 'incident' you spoke of."
Dipp scratched his head and gave Prince a weird look. "S'matter Prince? You don't look all that hot either... And what's with the bag?"
"If you must know, I'm going on a vacation." Prince stated matter-of-factly.
"Vacation?" the three shouted all at once in surprise.
"Since when was your last vacation? Like, uh, NEVER ago?" Peso said, confused as to the whole situation.
Dipp reeled a bit, nearly losing his footing. "No one has ever taken a vacation from katamari! It's way too fun!"
Prince stood and stared at Dipp blankly. "...Fun? You honestly think that I, the most overworked son in the universe, would think rolling katamaris around that god-forsaken planet Earth every single freaking day of my life... is fun?"
"Uhh... I... think so? Everyone who's played Katamari Damacy seems to think its fun anyway." Dipp said, starting to get a little nervous.
"Ha ha ha ha ha... Fun? They should try playing MY LIFE for a day and see how they like it... hahaha... fun..." Prince said, in a creepily monotonous tone.
The three cousins looked at Prince with concern. Peso tried to speak reassuringly to him. "Prince... Are you feeling alright? You look really pale... and now you look kinda mad... Oh boy you look really mad! Wow, you look real pissed off now! Hey Dipp, does Prince look real pissed off to you, 'cause he... Oh! And now he's coming towards me with a crazy look on his face, holy crap it looks like he's gonna kill someone, I just hope isn't mee- Ack! You're... Gack!... choking... me... help... please... urk..."
Prince had completely went insane and began choking Peso in rage, whilst Dipp and Beyond tried to seperate the two without success.
"Stop the madness man! Stop choking your cousin already! I'm not sayin' he doesn't deserve it or anything but that's no excuse!" Dipp shouted, trying to pry Prince and Peso apart.
Beyond tried to pull Prince's hands off Peso's neck, but it was a pretty tight grip the Prince had. "For God's sake Prince, have you no shame?" He yelled while trying to free Peso from Prince's choke-hold. "And curse the fact that your constant katamari rolling has made your hands so good at gripping things! I can't... take your... hands off of... Peso's neck! Damn it all!"
Prince took no note of his cousins trying to stop him, he simply continued strangling Peso while yelling, "DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHAT CRAP I HAVE TO PUT UP WITH ON A DAILY BASIS? I HAVE TO ROLL A BUNCH OF DUMB BALLS EVERYWHERE ON THAT RETARDED PLANET EARTH SO I CAN GET KICKED AND BASHED AROUND BY THOSE WORTHLESS HUMANS! IS THAT YOUR IDEA OF FUN? AND LOOK AT MY HANDS! LOOK AT THEM! I HAVE BLISTERS ON MY BLISTER'S BLISTERS!" He screamed in Peso's face, his face turning beet red.
"But... not... me... Dipp... say... gack..." Peso gasped, barely able to breath and starting to turn blue.
"WRONG ANSWER!" Prince yelled, tightening his grip.
"Gack! Help... please... can't... breath... brain... dying... feeling... smarter..."
Dipp was at his wits end. "Oh, this is hopeless! We need help!" He turned to the crowd of cousins that had gathered to watch the show. "Hey! You! Nickel! Stop them!"
Nickel, a robotic cousin on two wheels for feet essentially, zipped over to help, and ended up crashing into the two (on purpose). Funnily enough, this solved the problem.
"Arrgh... Where am I?" Prince moaned as he picked himself off the ground, dizzy from the sudden attack.
Nickel stood rather proudly. "Glad-to-be-of-assistance." He droned.
Peso wasn't very cheery. "You dumb pile of trash! That's not what I meant by help! You could've killed us! Or made us end up like Opeo! Which I'm pretty sure is even worse! Have you no soul? No heart?"
Nickel shrugged. "Well-no-of-course-I-do-not-since-I-am-a-machine. That-should-be-easy-for-even-someone-with-as-low-an-intelligence-score-as-you-Peso." He said robotically, and returned to the crowd.
"Methinks the Tin Man needs a heart." Prince said semi-jokingly, and he helped Peso up. "Sorry bout that cuz, I dunno what the heck came over me."
"Ehh, sure. Just please don't take out your fury on me, I'm pretty sure Dipp was the one who mentioned-"
"SHUT UP!" Dipp shouted suddenly, both out of annoyance and fear, "That information is no longer relevant, the point is that as long as you owe up to your mistakes then we'll forgive you this time."
"B-But... I was sure you... Oh, I don't remember anything at all..."
"Exactly. See? You're just too shook up from that 'little problem' with Prince that you can't think clearly. Make sense?"
"I... guess... so?"
"Wonderful! Now let's get on with our happy fun fun lives then, shall we?" Dipp then turned to Prince. "So anyway, you were saying somethin' about a so-called 'vacation'?"
Prince nodded. "Yeah, I've totally HAD IT with anything that starts with Kata and ends with Mari."
"Umm, but, why now?" Peso asked.
Prince told them about everything that happened earlier.
"Ouch. Rough break cuz." Dipp said slowly, "And yeah, Ace, Marcy and the others can be jackasses at times."
"Dipp!" Beyond said sharply, "Watch your language!"
Dipp stared blankly at Beyond. "...Seriously? We talk like this all the time, and NOW you object to it? Huh?"
"Don't you see...?" Beyond said, then leaned closer and started whispering, "There are ladies in our vicinity..." He made a motion to nearby cousins June, Honey, Foomin, and Daisy.
"...So? They're our cousins, poindexter. What are you so concerned about?" Dipp replied.
"It's only common courtesy. I'm a gentlemen damn it!"
"HA! You cussed! Gotcha! Where's your common courtesy now long-neck?"
"It's a justified swear you degenerate. Look it up!"
"Nuh-uh, you KNOW that's a cuss! Admit it!"
"Shut up! I won't tell you diddly!"
"YOU BOTH SHUT UP!" Prince suddenly yelled, "Can we get back on topic please? Now, as I was saying, I'm going on vacation. Insert horrified gasp here, heheh. Well, someone needs to cover for me katamari-wise or the King will have my ass on a platter. Any takers?"
Dipp and Beyond both held up their hands and begged. "Me! Me!" "Not him, me! I'm a Law school graduate!" "You were not! You were only there for three days!" "I know more than you could even hope to know in five years!" "Shut the hell up! You are as dumb as you look!" "Can I help it if my parents are disfigured?"
"SHUT UP YOU TWO RIGHT NOW OR SO HELP ME GOD...!" Prince yelled, and they both quieted down, but still held up their hands expectantly.
"Now let's see..." Prince said, contemplating who should be in charge, "Eenie, meenie, minie, moe, catch a cousin by the toes, if he hollers let 'im go, my-ma-ma-told-me-to-pick-the-ve-ry-best-one-and... you... are... it...!" He had hs hand pointed at Dipp, who gasped with happiness. "You're picking m-" "...Peso!" He finished, now pointing at Peso, who looked quite confused.
"WHAAAA? You picked PESO?" Both Dipp and Beyond shouted, gaping.
Prince shrugged. "So? He's a nice guy, and I guess I owe him for nearly choking him to death."
"Unbelievable! You picked that retard Peso...! He can't even count to ten! It was even worse in grade school!"
"Now then class," The teacher asked, "Who here can count to three? How about you, Peso?"
"Oh! Uhh..." Peso said nervously, "M-Me? Are you sure...? O-Okay... uh... something-something... I know this... oh... I can't remember this one-"
"That's it Peso! One is first, how about the next?"
"Uhhh... June 6, 1944?"
"*Sigh*... No Peso, that's the date the Allied forces invaded Normandy... Don't get those history documentaries mixed with counting!"
"Oookay... Umm... What was it now...?"
(Three hours later...)
"Oorgh... I know this... Is it... two?"
"Yes! That's right! FINALLY... Now, what's the last-"
The teacher sighed heavily and covered her face with her hands. "Ooh... Another day wasted... Go home kids... We'll pick up where we left off tomorrow..."
"Yaaaaaaay!" The kids shouted joyously, and left in a stampede out the classroom. Peso followed them quickly, while saying, "I'm gonna go watch some more of those history documentaries! I'm almost at the part where the German leader dude shot himself!"
The teacher, now alone, facepalmed. "I wish I can just fail that dumbass and be done with it... But nooo the government says! 'We need more educated guys! Whether or not they actually know anything! We don't care! We got money!' Aargh... Sad, sad state of affairs." She said, and began repeatedly banging her head on the desk.
=====[Back to Present...]=====
"Oh come on you guys..." Peso said defensively, "I can count all the way to seven now! And I'm learning eight next!"
"Wow, that's LOADS of progress..." Dipp said sarcastically, and rolled his eyes.
Beyond was astonished at how terrible Peso's counting skills were. "My God... You really do need help, do you?"
"AHEM. Moving along..." Prince said, pushing the topic aside. "Peso is in charge of handling katamari affairs, y'know, making the cousins do the rolling, sitting on your ass all day, nothing too hard for little Peso here."
Dipp's eyes widened. "Dream job!" He whispered to Beyond, making sure Prince or Peso didn't hear.
"You're telling me, what I wouldn't give for a job like that." Beyond whispered back.
"So, with that my friends, I leave for my vacation! Don't burn the whole place down while I'm gone. Not that I really care or anything, but..." Prince said to everyone, and he flew back off towards a place on Earth known as 'The Bahamas'.
Things were silent for a long time.
"...Well this is retarded." Dipp said blankly, "We all have to take orders from a guy who can't even spell his own name! How stupid is that?"
Many other cousins murmured in agreement. "Yeah! Totally dumb!" Odeko said, "Do we really need someone like Peso? We may as well get Nutsuo to do it, he can't even reach his face with his hands! How the hell is the guy supposed to eat?" "Hey!" Nutsuo yelled in offense.
Peso looked around nervously. "Uh, I... think I can do it?" He said, but he was answered by more angry shouts.
"Simmer down, simmer down now..." Dipp said, waving his arms up and down in an effort to calm the disgruntled cousins, "We just need someone right beside this guy, y'know, to show him how a job's done right, right? I nominate... myself. Complaints? Sucks to be you, I won't hear 'em."
Dipp straddled up to Peso and put an arm around him. "Glad to be working with ya, buddy!" He said, and shook Peso's hand forcibly while wearing a fake smile.
"Uhh..." Peso said, trying to object, but decided not to. It would be a good idea he thought to have someone helping him along... Although Dipp wasn't who he had in mind.
"Hey!" Beyond shouted in protest, "What about ME? I didn't study politics and anthropology for five years for nothing you know!"
"Ah, yes... Peso, what say you?" Dipp replied, and gave Peso a little nudge.
Peso stared at Dipp, confused for a moment, but quickly came to his senses and looked at Beyond. "Oh... Yeah... You can be, Vice-President... I guess?"
"SCORE!" Beyond said eagerly, and rushed over to Peso's side.
"Anything else from you drones? Yes-no-maybe?" Dipp asked the rest of the cousins, but before any could answer he continued, "Too bad, it's katamari time. Get a roll on you guys!"
And so, the cousins all dispersed with goals set in mind, with June and Nik going to the Hoshino household, Ichigo and Havana going to Banana City, Odeko and Signolo going to Pigeon Town, and everyone else going to some other random place to roll katamaris. All at once. What could go wrong?
"Now THIS..." Dipp said, relaxing on a random bench, "Is a job!"
"Tell me about it! We can fill the katamari quota and we'd hardly have to lift a finger. Pretty neat trick!" Beyond said, smiling.
Peso interrupted them while looking at his hands. "Umm... Guys? We... don't have fingers..."
Both Dipp and Beyond curiously gazed at their hands. "Oh... How 'bout that. Huh. Well. Creepy. Bleck."
A/N: Well now, Part 1 has come to a close! If it tickled your fancy in any way, then please go ahead and review! I'll have Part 2 up soon. Remember, if enough good feedback comes in by the time the 'episode' ends, then I'll move on with the next! And the next... And the next... And the next... you get the picture. ;) (In case you're curious about the name of the story, it's a slight play on the TV Show title The King of Queens, but my story could have less to do with that show, aside from the fact they're both sitcoms/comedies.)
Fare thee well!