A/N: This is it! The climax We've been waiting for! This should be one amazing finale! Write it well and good! We can't wait to see it! So? What are you doing reading these totally unnecessary Author's Notes? Go and read the Katamari Pilot finale already, and bask in its epicness and glory! When you're done basking, then clean yourself up and please review! I mean, since you're taking the time to read it then you should at least tell me if it's any good or not, right? Right. ;)
THE PRINCE OF KINGS
EPISODE 1: Katamari Pilot (Part IV)
Hel-lo honeybunch! It's Us! The King of All Cosmos! Oh, We are so pleased to be here. The original Narrator-guy is sick you see, so We were kind and generous enough to take his place 'till he gets back. Isn't that just fabulous? Now, what were We supposed to do again... Ah, yes. We were supposed to tell you fine people how things turned out with this little story. But first, let's review it so far, shall We? In the beginning, Our sad excuse of a son Prince decided to leave Us and go on vacation, and left the duty of organizing the katamaris to Dipp, Peso, and Beyond, betterwise known as long-neck, who then made all the other cousins roll those katamaris. Oh, how madly-furious We were when We found out Prince abandoned his duties, but We were so happily-pleased when the cousins didn't fail horribly! So pleased that We almost forgot about Prince's irresponsiblity. Okay, maybe it did slip Our mind completely, but We remembered eventually of course! Wait, where were We? Ah yes, the cousins went and rolled those katamaris so finely, almost as well as Prince usually would, but there were 50 of them! So many stars... Oh, We forgot again where We were going with that. Maybe We should- Oh wait! We'll just skip to the part where the cousins got back from their rolling and stuff. We wondered how they were doing... It seemed like only yesterday... Oh wait. It was yesterday. Our bad.
"WE FAILED MISERABLY!" Havana yelled, with casts on his arms and legs, "I CAN'T TAKE THIS ANYMORE!"
"I HATE THIS! HATE IT!" Opeo shouted, being carried in a stretcher by some of the healthier cousins, "I HATE BEARS, I HATE BEING MAULED, AND I HATE EVERYBODY ELSE! ARGH!"
"This blows! I can't stand this abuse!" "Where the hell is Prince? We need him!" "Where are my underpants?" "No more rolling stars for me!" "I failed! I... can't believe it! I actually failed! Waah!" "Seriously! Where did my undies go?" "Katamari duty sucks!" "This is terrible! Where's Prince when you need him?" "IS ANYONE EVEN LISTENING TO ME? WHERE THE HELL ARE MY-" "Goddammit Marcy you left them lying right over there!" "...Oh."
An army of cousins had returned to the Mushroom Planet, and nearly all of them were either upset or furious. Most had some kind of injury, some could even be mistaken for Opeo. Only a few had a katamari with them, and they weren't very big either. The cousins crowded around Dipp, Peso and Beyond, all complaining and demanding Prince come back to duty. The three tried to calm the angry cousins, with zero results.
At that moment, the King of All Cosmos flew by the Planet, noticing the near-rioting state of the situation. He stood before then yelled "SIIIIILENCE!" at the top of his lungs.
Every cousin stopped dead silent, and the ones carrying the stretcher dropped it (prompting Opeo to curse out loud in pain), then they all turned to look at the being ominously standing before them.
"What is the meaning of this?" The King roared, "We demand answers! Speak!"
The cousins all took a step back, leaving none but Dipp, Peso, and Beyond standing in front of the King.
"Well?" The King asked impatiently.
Dipp chose to speak up first. "Uhh... Well, you see, the cousins all went to roll katamaris like before... but there were... problems."
Numerous cousins started shouting again. "My katamari got stuck between a coupla buildings!" Havana said, "Then a car hit it, and it went rolling into a hole! But not just a regular hole, it had to be A FREAKING BOTTOMLESS PIT! How retarded is that? And to add injury to insult that same car ran me over TWICE!"
"I got mauled by a friggin' Grizzly Bear!" Opeo yelled, "What the hell did I do to it? All I did was roll through a salmon-filled stream and then it just randomly attacked me! Come on people, it DISEMBOWELED me! I was in surgery for hours! And I had to get a kidney transplant because the one I already had was turned into ground beef by that thing! THAT'S THE SIXTH ONE THIS MONTH!"
"My katamari was jacked by a McDonalds restaurant!" Nik also shouted, "Then they deep-fried it and turned it into a new Dollar-
Menu item! I mean, sure, I might have given it to them 'cause I was hungry and wanted something deep-fried to snack on, and yeah they gave me a free sample, but still! I had to PAY for something I made myself! I mean sure, it only costed a buck and I got to eat the whole thing afterwards, but still! They-"
"Nik, will you shut the hell up?" June said, facepalming.
The cousins continued bickering and complaining about their problems, until at last, the King had heard enough. "SILENCE! WE MUST HAVE SILENCE!" He boomed.
All cousins with mouths shut them, and turned back to the King, giving him full attention.
"Now then, let Us see here. Ack, this is disappointing. Out of you 50-something cousins, only 4 brought back a katamari? And those ones aren't even that good! *Sigh* We are disappointed with you all."
Dipp hung his head in shame. At this point the best he can hope for is pity. "Uh... Today was just a bad day man! Yeah... Um, tomorrow will be much, much better! Perfect actually!" He said, trying to sound as confident as possible.
The King raised an eyebrow at him. "Hmm? Dipp is so sure about that? You must know that We will accept nothing less than perfection. Otherwise, there will be tough-but-fair punishments in order."
"Uhh... Well..." Dipp said, trying to think up a way out of this rabbit hole he dug himself, but the only exit was guarded by a hunter with a shotgun. Everyone gazed at him expectantly. Dipp had to think of something quick.
That's when he noticed Peso playing the PSP that Beyond loaned him. Of all possible times in this episode he chose now to play it. What a guy. Looking at the screen, Dipp noticed Peso was playing Me & My Katamari, and when he saw the total size indicator on the game-screen, he got an idea. The indicator read a little more than 4000 meters, the biggest you can get it in that game.
4000 meters? That's big! Dipp thought, But who can possibly achieve that feat...? Hmm... Oh yes. Of course. He'll just the guy. I don't like it, but it must be done.
With this idea in mind, Dipp turned back to the King, beaming. "Uncle King dude, I have a proposal for you." He said.
The King looked shocked. "Whaaaaa? P-Proposal? We are flattered, but... We are a married King, so it wouldn't work out between-"
"Not that kind of proposal you sicko! Yeck!" Dipp said, disgusted, "I meant a business proposal!"
"Oh, is that all? Phew. You had Us worried for a microsecond there. So, what is it you are 'proposing'?"
"I have a deal for you, if we can roll a katamari over 4000 meters wide - I'm not kidding- then will you forgive us all? Or at least forgive me? Preferably me?"
"Hmm... We see now. An interesting 'proposal', as it has been years since we had one that size... Make it 5000 and We have a deal."
"Done! Pleasure doing 'business' with you sir, heh."
"Wonderful, wonderful... But, if We may ask, who will roll such a big katamari?"
"Simple! You know him, everyone loves the guy! And he's been around since the beginning, too! His name also begins with a 'P'. Any guessers?"
An approving murmur was heard throughout the crowd of cousins. The name 'Prince' was heard being whispered amongst themselves, sure this was who Dipp was talking about.
"Yes folks, it's the only one of us who can do this..." Dipp said, and he walked over to someone's side and placed a hand on his shoulder, "...And he's right here! Peso!"
Everyone immediately stopped talking, and an intense silence gripped the air. Everyone, including the King, had their mouths dropped wide open in pure shock. Not a single word was uttered for at least two minutes.
Dipp looked around curiously. "What? Something I said?"
No one answered him. They continued to stare at both Dipp and Peso with widened eyes. Surprisingly, Peso never noticed anyone watching him, as his eyes were glued to the PSP screen he was playing. When he finally chose to look up, curious as to why everything went silent, Peso saw everyone gaping at him, and with Dipp standing next to him too, his hand on Peso's shoulder.
"W-Why are you all looking at me like that?" Peso asked, disturbed as to the large number of eyes staring at him in pure shock.
Again, no one answered, but after another minute Beyond finally chose to speak up. "...Dipp? Why... the... why did... you pick... Peso?" He said slowly, stammering a bit.
Dipp shrugged. "Hey, he's got the skills! And besides, Prince officially left katamari duty to him, so..."
"Hey, wait a minute!" Peso protested, "What are you even talking about?"
"Oh, you didn't get my voice memo? You're gonna go roll us a 5000 meter katamari! Isn't that greeeeat?" Dipp said, emphasizing the 'great' and winking at him.
Peso nearly dropped the PSP. "You made me WHAT? ! There's no way I-Mmmm!" Peso tried to protest, but Dipp was quick to put a hand over his mouth to shut him up.
"What's that Peso?" Dipp said, pretending like nothing was wrong, "You say you'll do it?"
"MMMMM! MMMM! Mmmm, mmm... MMM!" Peso said, his voice muffled by Dipp's hand, so no one really understood what he was saying.
"What's that? You will? Great!" Dipp said, twisting Peso's barely legible talk, then he turned to everyone else. "See? He's game!"
The King put a hand on his chin and contemplated. "Hmmm... Fine then. We will accept it. You have until Earth sundown to roll it. If it's not done by then... You will know what will happen to you, yes?"
Dipp nodded, and gulped. "Yes sir, I swear, he'll finish that katamari! No joke! Eheh..."
"Fabulous. We will return to Our Queen at the Royal Castle then. Don't you dare disappoint Us!" The King said, then flew off across the Cosmos.
After he was gone, Dipp finally removed his hand from Peso's mouth. "Gasp! Need... breathe... Huff..." Peso said, gasping for air, "Phew... WHAT THE HELL DID YOU JUST DO? !"
"Whoa whoa chill! It's not that bad!" Dipp said reassuringly.
"NOT THAT BAD? IT'S A NIGHTMARE! YOU LITTLE PIECE OF-!" Peso yelled, and grabbed Dipp by the neck and started strangling him.
"Huuueek! Get... your hands... off... my goddamn... neck...!" Dipp gasped, struggling to break free.
"NEVER! I'M GONNA KILL YOU, YOU GAUDY LITTLE SHOW-OFF!" Peso screamed, surprisingly furious. No one had ever seen him this mad before.
"Ah, for crap's sake..." Beyond said, sighing, "Nickel? Will you please?"
The metallic cousin sighed and proceeded to ram into both Dipp and Peso, knocking both of them down. Unfortunately, this didn't stop Peso's rage, so he had to be restrained by at least three cousins.
Dipp staggered away, trying to take some deep breaths. "Holy crap..." He said, "Peso's a lunatic... Maybe that wasn't a good idea..."
Many cousins rolled their eyes at this, and watched as Peso tried to break the hold of his cousins. "LET ME GO! I ONLY WANT TO KILL HIM! I JUST WANT TO KILL HIM A LITTLE BIT!" He yelled.
"Mother of God... This boy needs help." Beyond said, grabbing ahold of Peso's arm and holding him back.
At least thirty minutes passed until Peso began to calm down, and it was safe to let him go. Dipp finally chose to try and talk some sense into Peso, at the risk of setting off another rampage.
"Come on Peso! You can do this! You roll it that big on that game, so you should be able to do it!" He said.
Peso glared at Dipp. "Yeah, in the GAME, maybe, but this is real life Dipphead! I can't roll something like that!"
"Don't be all hypocritical on yourself buddy! It's totally do-able!"
"Well... How many of you have rolled one that big? 5000 meters or whatever?"
Most of the cousins said nothing. Some merely grumbled. None of them had ever made a katamari that huge. Only the Prince had done that. And it was gargantuous, at over 4000 meters across and weighing in millions of tonnes.
"I thought so. Ugh... I'm hopeless..." Peso said, then buried his face in his hands, defeated. But Dipp refused to back down.
"What the hell is wrong with you Peso? Look at yourself! One minute you try to kill me, the next you sit here wallowing in self-pity! Get ahold of yourself man!" He shouted, and slapped Peso across the face. Hard.
Peso reeled from the sudden strike, and snapped out of his hopelessness. "W-What? Where am I?" He said, confused.
Dipp facepalmed. "I just told you! You have to roll a 5000 meter katamari or the King is gonna give us all the axe!"
"Whaaaaat? Oh my garsh, that's awful! Waaah! I don't wanna get chopped in half! I gotta get going!" Peso shouted, distressed.
"I have to go I have to go I have to go!"
With that, Peso began flying at mach speed towards Earth, leaving the cousins behind in a cloud of dust. No one said anything for a minute.
"...What the hell just happened?" Dipp said at last, "Peso all of a sudden goes to do the katamari thing? After all that crap he gave us? Seriously, WHAT THE FU-"
"DIPP!" Beyond yelled, interrupting Dipp's sentence, "Watch your mouth! Don't give the FCC a good excuse to cancel us! We're a T-rated show for God's sake!"
"A what now? You ARE insane. Feh, FCC... T-rated show... What a joke. Heheh... Anyway, never mind that. Let's just go down to the Earth before anything else totally weird happens, shall we?"
Before everyone could leave, a spaceship landed on the Mushroom Planet. The side hatch opened up, and a small orange alien with three eyes exited, surveying the area in apparent confusion.
"$#% %# %$&%? &$ )!& $(. (What in blarg am I standing on? This is not Earth.)" It said, then pulled out a book that read 'Space-Travel for Dummies, Kings, and Aliens: Second Edition' .
"...$%^ #$! $%&%^... (I was sure I took that right turn at the Andromeda galaxy...)"
Dipp stared at the being, wide-eyed. "...I have no idea what the hell it's saying, but I don't care. Just ignore it and it will go away... It'll go away... It'll go away... Just ignore it... Ignore it..." He said, then turned way and flew for Earth, the rest of the cousins following, leaving the misguided Space-traveller to find its way alone.
Some random household on Earth...
Every cousin assembled on the couch, and were watching Peso with the katamari, starting at a mere 5 centimeters.
"I would've bargained for a bigger one to start but... I'm not the negotiating type." Dipp said, shrugging. "I take whatever I can get. Hey, that's life."
Peso sighed heavily, and grabbed a hold of the katamari in front of him, shaking with fear quite noticibly.
A few of the spectating cousins started murmuring amongst themselves. "I really can't trust him with this. If I get another hit or two by the King I'll probably fall apart..." Opeo whined.
"Like you weren't falling apart to begin with!" Marcy retorted, snickering.
Ace started laughing madly. "Oh, he got you good Opeo! He got you REAL good!"
"Shut up!" Opeo yelled back, "I would smack you with my crutch if I didn't need them to stay standing!"
"Which you do ALL the time! Hah!"
"But I can still do... THIS!" Opeo said, smiling devilishly, and swung the crutch so that it tripped both Marcy and Ace at the same time, sending them falling off the couch to the hard wooden floor with a loud THUD!
"Yeeoowch!" "Aaaargh! Opeo, you're an ASS!"
Opeo starting laughing victoriously. "YES! Just YES! I FINALLY got back at you! After all these years! Payback's a bitch isn't it? HAHAHA-*Crack!*-YEEOWCH!"
Opeo suddenly folded in on himself, then groaned in agony while lying on the ground in a heap. "...Crap... That was my last vertebrae... Oww..."
Dipp looked at the collapsed cousin with contempt. "You amaze me every day Opeo. Really."
"...Shut up and call me an ambulance. Aaargh..."
Peso tried to ignore the scene on the couch, and attempted to put some effort into focusing on the task before him. I gotta focus... gotta focus... gotta focus... focus... focus... fo... I wonder what's on television later... He thought.
As if Beyond just read Peso's mind, he facepalmed. "He'll never do this. I may as well go and buy some padding so the punishment slides by easier."
The cousins sat by mournfully, most with their faces covered by their hands in shame. Though this was clearly not the time, Dipp straddled over to Slip, a paper-thin cousin, and struck up a conversation.
"Yo, Slip." Dipp said, "What's the skinny? Heh."
Slip sighed. "Always the thin jokes with you. What do you want you star-spangled... thing?"
"Don't be such a lightweight! Heh. I just wanted to ask you something."
"Great. What is it? And sorry if I don't pay attention, your outfit is so blinding I simply have to turn away."
"Egh. Just listen. Have you ever been carried off by the wind one too many times?"
"Duh, of course I have. What, why?"
"I think I may have a solution for that, if you're interested of course..."
"Okay, you snagged my attention. What is it?"
"...I probably shouldn't tell you..."
"Damn it man, just tell me! What is it?"
"Simple... All you have you have to do is..."
"Yes? Yes? YES?"
"It's easy... just..."
"OUT WITH IT MAN!"
"Just... EAT A SANDWICH, SKINNY! AHAHAHAHAHA!"
Slip's look of excitement slowly faded as Dipp laughed like a madman. "...I hate you." He said slowly.
"YOU TOTALLY FELL FOR THAT! AHAHAHA, SLIP, YOU'RE SUCH A SUCKER! HAHAHAHA!" Dipp shouted, laughing on and on.
Slip said nothing. Rather, he raised his paper-like arm and slashed Dipp's arm with it, giving him one heck of a paper cut.
"OOOOOUCH! You BASTARD! That really hurts! Ack! Paper cuts are the worst! Damn it all to hell!" Dipp yelled, clutching the slashed skin while groaning.
"Victory is mine." Slip said, smiling, and then a passing breeze carried him off into the air and away from the group.
Dipp scowled. "Good jokes are wasted on the jerks. Oww..." He moaned, nursing his cut.
Finally, Peso was ready. He gripped the katamari tightly as everyone watched on with excitement (and dread). Most covered their eyes, hoping it would be over with soon. Peso gave the katamari a push, causing it to begin to roll forward. Everyone held their breath. The katamari rolled forward, Peso steadily pushing it. Slowly at first, but it soon picked up speed. At last, he rolled over his first item, a crayon.
Peso was ecstatic. "I'm... doing it! I'm actually doing it! I'm rolling a katamari IRL!"
"W - T - F?" Signolo said, amazed Peso was actually able to roll the katamari without failing the on first two steps.
"IRL? WTF? What the hell are they saying?" Dipp said, confused.
Beyond sighed. "It's text talk. IRL means 'In Real Life', and WTF means 'What The F-'"
"Yeah, I get the picture, thanks." Dipp replied, then a thought struck him. "...Wait, you almost said the F-word! Oh my god! You actually nearly said that, after you told me already not to say it because of some FCC and T-rated stuff! Oh, the irony is delicious indeed."
"Errr... I said no such thing?" Beyond said rather unconvicingly.
Dipp shook his head, snickering. "Don't even try, buddy. Don't even try."
Beyond groaned, having eaten his own words with a sprinkle of irony.
Peso, meanwhile, was actually doing well with the katamari. Rolling it to and fro, here and there, Peso rolled the katamari's size to about 9 centimeters.
"I'm winning! I'm winning!" Peso chanted, then started singing a few bars from Katamari on the Rocks. "Naaaaa, na-na-na-nana, na na, the Katamari Damacy~!"
Peso kept on rollin' and singin' until he was suddenly cut off... by tripping over a tiny knot in the carpet.
"Oooof!" He grunted as he fell facedown onto the floor, with his katamari rolling away. Every cousin fell over at once in embarassment, then stood back up, Peso lying on the floor, whining.
Dipp stomped the ground with his foot in anger. He had enough of this.
"That's it, I can't let this charade go on any longer, we need Prince!" He said, "The fate of our asses is better off in his hands than that retard Peso's!"
Ace snorted. "Whatever. Princey probably won't even listen to you. He's way too stubborn to come back anyway."
"Oh?" Dipp shot back, "He's the only chance we got. Or would you rather have the King spank your pointed butt so hard he'll make it flat again?"
Ace suddenly looked terrified and grabbed his rear-end nervously. "N-No..." He said timidly.
"That's what I thought. Now if you'll excuse me..." Dipp turned to Beyond, "...So long-neck? You hold the fort while I try to find Prince, okay?"
Beyond looked at him curiously. "You're going to give up on Peso and call in Prince - who's still on vacation I might add - just because you're too impatient to give the poor sap a chance?"
"I'm not giving up on him, I just wanna help him out!"
"Since when have you ever helped anyone?"
"...Shut up. I'm just gonna go now, so I don't have to hear your nagging in my ear anymore."
"I don't nag. That's what girls are for."
"My point exactly."
"Wait... what? Are you insisting I act like a girl?"
"Insisting? I know you do. Hell, you probably are one!"
"You little bastard! I oughta-"
"Hold up Nerd-leroy, there are ladies in our vicinity..."
"...I hate you. So. Very. Much."
"Heh, I know you do. That's why it's funny!"
"I will kill you in your sleep you little..."
"Slow down Jason Voorhees, I was just kidding!"
"The hell you were!"
"Ack, I've had enough of this crap. Auf wiedersien and sayonara! ...Girl."
Before Beyond could yell at Dipp further, the star-clad cousin flew off towards the resort Prince was currently staying at, hoping to try and convince him to help Peso. Knowing Prince, Dipp probably won't succeed... Of course, he didn't count on Princess.
The Relax-Nation Resort's Five-Star beach...
When Prince decided he was done with the links, mainly because of Huey's annoyance, he went to the resort's beautiful white-sanded beach with Princess, who recently arrived and decided to join Prince on his vacation. The couple lay on the sand, shaded by a nicely-placed umbrella. While they were relaxing, Huey was... getting to know the locals. Locals as in 'Seagulls'.
"Whee! This is so much fun!" Huey squealed as he was being chased around by about four seagulls, squawking and cawing the whole time. "You'll never catch me! Heehee!"
Prince sighed, and adjusted his sunglasses. "I still think we should've sent Huey home, Princess..." He said.
"Oh, that's quite alright dear," Princess replied, smiling cutely, "I think that cousin Huey is rather funny, if I may say that."
"You may. Huey has his quirks..." said Prince, then looked at Huey's little game of tag with the gulls. "...But it can be hard to figure out what they are."
"Haha! You'll never- Oop!" Huey said, now finally caught in the bird's beak.
"Eat him, eat him, eat him, eat him, eat him," Prince mumbled repeatedly.
"What was that?" Princess asked, casting a curious look at Prince.
Prince shook his head. "Nothing dear, just enjoying Huey's little game."
"Really? Aww, that's so- Oh my lord!"
Huey was suddenly gulped down by the seagull, prompting Prince to whisper "Yes!" to himself.
"Hey! Cut it out! That tickles!" Huey squealed as he was swallowed whole, "Ooh! It's all slimy in here! Wow, what's that thing? And that? It's really dark in here! Eeeck, what's this I'm stepping in? It smells like fish! I love fish!" The seagull called out a few times then flew off, along with the three others.
Prince groaned and held his stomach in disgust. "Huey had to come through with the color-commentary..." He said, gagging, "Princess? Are you okay?"
Princess did not look okay. In fact, she looked a little pale. "...That's... so... repulsive... ewwww..." She said softly.
"I'll take that as a no. Just look away dear, it's all just a... something." Prince said, sighing.
She did just that, but saw something in the distance at the same time. "...I say? Someone's coming!"
Prince looked confused. "...Who? Another cousin? I'm not expecting any more visitors..."
"It's... Oh, who was it again..." Princess said, trying to remember.
"Priiiiince!" A voice rang out.
"...Somehow, I don't like the sound of that voice." Prince said, removing his sunglasses.
"PRINCE! PRINCE OF ALL COSMOS! IT'S ME!" The voice yelled again.
Prince suddenly realized who it was, and facepalmed. "No... Not him... What's wrong now...?"
"Can't ya hear me cuz? It's me! Dipp Cosmo! The grooviest guy in the night sky! Hey another rhyme..."
"That's certainly a topic for debate." Prince said to himself, chuckling weakly.
The gaudy-clothed cousin landed on the beach and rushed over to the couple, panting heavily.
"Pant... pant... I... huff... have something... pant pant... to say... huff... to you... harff..." Dipp said, gasping for air.
Prince sighed and shook his head, still covering his face with his hands. "Dipp... why the hell- Er, I mean -Why the heck are you here? Can't you see we're-"
"I know... Hoof... But I... have important... stuff saying... Pant..."
"Read my lips. I. Don't. Care. Leave us alone, please, so we can actually get the time off we deserve."
"But Prince! Huff... It's ridiculously important! Harff... And- Oh, hi Lalala."
Cousin Lalala was sunning himself nearby holding a tanning mirror, sporting a wicked dark tan to boot. "Hey guys!" He said, waving to the three, then returned to his daily sunbathing.
"Ooookay... Why did we not see that guy before...? Err, anyway, I don't have time for this. Come back in... oh, I dunno, a few MONTHS."
Princess stepped forward between Prince and Dipp. "Come now dear Prince, won't you listen to this gentleman Dipp's story?" She said.
Dipp eyes started to sparkle. "You... remembered my name... and called me a gentleman! Heeheehee..."
"*Sigh*... Fine. What is it Dipp? And be brief, I have a luncheon in a half-hour."
"Okay... you see... the katamari operation sorta... failed. Okay, fine, we all failed horribly. Worthy of a note on FailBlog, actually."
"...You what? Nrgh... I KNEW this would happen... So, what'd the King say?"
"Oh, not much. Except he would give us all such a hard punishment that we would have to get a life-transplant. Sad story, really."
"Oh, you simply must tell me sometime. So, I'm assuming you want me to bail you out for the umpteenth time?"
"Well, not really me. See, I made a deal with the King."
"Hold up, there dude. Making a deal with the King is not much different than making a deal with the Devil. What did you agree on, out of curiousity?"
"Well, I said we'd roll him a 5000 meter katamari-"
"A WHAT? Holy crap! I haven't made one that big in years! You're asking ME to do it for you just so-"
"Actually... I got Peso to do it..."
"Again, WHAT? Are you high right now? You got my lady's brother - who's as bright as a clump of mud - to roll a ball of crap that huge?"
"...Yeah. But what choice did I have? I can't do that, neither can many other cousins-"
"Then how the hell did you jump to the conclusion of PESO making that thing? Is he doing it right now?"
"Uhh, yeah. He started with a 5 centimeter katamari and rolled it up to just 9... then tripped over a carpet knot and started crying."
"Yeah... So, won't you do it? For Peso's sake?"
"W-What? After all I did trying to convince you that-"
"Shut up! You brought this whole mess on yourself! It was your idea to make every single cousin roll a katamari at once - that's right, I know what you've been doing, Princess here told me everything - and you're not supposed to do that! It's just BEGGING for trouble to come a-knockin'!"
"Just get out of here! I never wanna see your luminously-lumpy self around here anymore! Go on, git!"
"But... Agh... I just wanted... Ohhh, fine." Dipp said, then slowly turned away and began walking, his head hung in shame.
"Good riddance, you bastard!" Prince yelled at him furiously, then lied back down on the sand, replacing his sunglasses.
Princess stared at Prince in complete shock. "P-Prince...! How... could you? Dipp was asking you to help my dear brother Peso with his conundrum... and you just... practically spit in his face!" She shouted angrily.
"Dear... Please listen... Dipp and all them brashly decided to gamble, and as they say: "When you gamble, you eventually lose." I'm just mad that Dipp and Beyond... well, mostly Dipp, stole power away from Peso when I told him to look after the katamari thing. I never asked Dipp or Beyond to do that! That pisses me off that they would stab me in the back like that, the traitors..."
"Honestly Prince, listen to yourself! Peso can't do the katamari operation on his own. Dipp and Sir Beyond were kind and generous enough to help my brother when he needed it most! How can you bad-mouth your own cousins - and best friends - when they were so willing to help? And now, they need you more than ever! And so does Peso!"
"*Sigh*... I really don't..."
"Dear! You are going to help me brother, right NOW!"
"Okay okay... Holy Jebus... You scare me when you get mad like that..."
"Now then, apologize to your cousin Dipp this instant!"
"...Lord give me strength... H-Hey, Dipp...?"
Dipp stopped walking away, and slowly turned around. "What the hell do you want?" He snapped.
"Touchy I see... Well, I guess I'm... umm... Wow, this is awkward... I..." Prince tried to work up an apology, but it was surprisingly hard to do. He mulled it over for a minute, Dipp and Princess giving him impatient looks.
"I... I'm... Holy crap how do I say this... Um... I'm... sorry?"
Dipp scoffed. "Sorry, didn't hear ya."
Prince sighed with exasperation. "Okay fine! Sheesh... I'm... sorry, okay? There, I said it. I'm sorry for telling you off, and calling you a bast- I mean, that word."
Dipp looked at Prince blankly. "...And?"
"Nrgh... And yeah... I'll help you guys out... with that 5000 meter kata-thingamajig-something-or-other-mari, okay?"
"...Well now. Was that so hard?" Dipp said, smiling victoriously.
Prince glanced in Princess's direction and muttered, "Yes."
"Heh, of course it was. You ready to come on then? Your duties await, 'captain'."
"Don't hold your breath. Just 'cause I'm helping you doesn't mean I coming back to katamari duty. Just keep that in mind, okay?"
"*Sigh*... Yeah, fine."
"Brilliant, I'm only two days into my vacation, I got like, three weeks left."
"...We'll be dead by the ninth hour..."
"Still with the dark humor, eh? Well, I suppose we should-"
"YEEEE-HAW! RIDE 'EM GULLY!"
"What the hell?"
The three turned to the source of the noise, and, much to Prince's dread, it was Huey. Somehow he escaped from the bird's belly, and was RIDING on the same seagull! And he even had the three other seagulls in tow!
"HUEY? !" Prince shouted in disbelief, "WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU- AND HOW DID YOU- What's going on? ! ?"
Huey just smiled and waved. "Hiiii Prince! Hiiii Princess! Hiiii Dipp!" He shouted happily, landing the quartet of seagulls on the beach near them, "I had the best time ever! I was playing tag with all the birdies, and oh wow it was so much fun! One of the birdies ate me though, and eeeeew it was weird and kinda icky, but then I escaped through it's-"
"Skip that part please," Prince interrupted, gagging.
"Oh, okay. Anyway, I tamed these seagulls, rounded 'em up like a cowboy, and even named them!" Huey said, and patted the seagull on its head with affection. "This one's name is Rainbow, and the others are Sugar, Chippy, and Joe!"
"Joe?" Dipp said confusedly, wondering why Peso would ever pick that name for a bird.
"Those are the most retarded names I've ever had the displeasure of knowing." Prince said bluntly.
"A-HEM." A voice nearby interrupted. Turning, they saw four random humans, each with nametags that read 'Rainbow', 'Sugar', 'Chippy', and 'Joe'. They were all giving Prince a rather nasty glare.
"Errr... Sorry. I... didn't know," Prince apologized, then returned to the matter at hand. "So Huey, how exactly is this supposed to help? What good will a bunch of dumb birds do?"
"They're aren't dumb!" Huey said defensively, "They can fly really fast! And they can go wherever you tell them to! Aren't they great?"
Prince sighed and shook his head. "Huey... I know that you have a tendancy to 'try'... But I really don't-"
"My Prince! Come and look at these wonderful beasts!" Princess said, having rushed over to the seagull named Sugar and began petting it. "It's so cute! I want to ride it!"
Prince tried to protest. "Dear... We shouldn't-"
"Come on then!" Princess insisted. "You can have Chippy!"
"*Groan*... It's gonna be one of those days..." Prince said lowly, then hopped aboard Chippy while Princess took Sugar.
Dipp looked on with a defiant look on his face. "No way in hell am I-"
"Hey hey Dipp!" Huey cut in, "Go ahead and ride it! It's waaaaaaaay faster then flying ourselves!"
Dipp groaned, then hesistantly got up onto the last remaining seagull. "Okaaaay... Let's go... Joe." He said, then the foursome took to the skies, and began their flight back to the household, where things were going from bad, to worse...
Back at the household...
"Come on you stupid... ball! Roll that coin up! Come on!" Peso said angrily, trying again and again to roll up a coin on the floor that was giving him some trouble.
Beyond, still on the couch with the other cousins, sighed. "You can't pick it up yet! Just move on already!" He called out to Peso.
"I should! The katamaki or whatever is like, twice as big as it!" Peso yelled back in protest.
"This is real life, dude! Those coins are too heavy and tricky to remove. Ever try to pick a quarter off the sidewalk? It's just like that!"
"Ohhh... Fine... how about... Ooh! A thumbtack!" Peso said, and rolled over a corkboard with a dozen of the tiny pins stuck into it. When he rolled over them, the katamari easily pulled them onto it, but that introduced a new problem.
"YEEOWCH!" Peso squealed, jumping back from the katamari now covered with the lot of them. "Owowowowow... That hurts! I'm never rolling up thumbtacks again!"
"Dear lord in heaven, please look down in pity upon the one named Peso before us today..." Beyond said, shaking his head, "Come on Dipp, where the hell are you?"
Things looked pretty hopeless at this point. If this continued, the King would bake them all on a spit - followed by a flambe and then a good deep-frying. Whichever way you put it, they would be screwed.
At least until they came back, right after Beyond shouted out, "Dipp, where the hell are you?"
"Did someone say my name?" A familiar voice said.
Stunned, Beyond looked around anxiously. "Yeah! Where were you? What what on?" He asked, still trying to find where the voice was coming from.
"Where was I? Finding Prince. What went on? I succeeded."
"You were- Wait... you what?"
"Do I need to say it twice? We're back in biz baby!"
Right then, a formation of four seagulls soared in through the window, with Dipp, Huey, Prince, and Princess each riding one. "Miss us?" Dipp said, circling the air above the crowd of cousins. Upon seeing Prince's return, the cousins all broke into applause. Finally, someone they could trust with their asses has arrived.
"PRINCE!" "YEA PRINCE!" "YOU'RE BACK! MAH PRAYERS HAVE BEEN ANSWERED!" "I'M NOT GONNA BE ASS-FLATTENED NOW!" "HOORAY FOR DA PRINCE!" "YEAH PRINCE!" "PRINCEY A GO GO!" "YEAH TOAST!" "...Wait what?"
The cousins kept on cheering randomly as Prince jumped down from his seagull to the floor, then ran over to Peso and pushed him aside. "Move over cousin," He said, "Time to show ya how a real Prince does it!"
"Uhh," was all Peso could say before Prince took the katamari and began pushing it around the house, going thrice as fast as Peso was.
"Whoa!" A bunch of cousins said out loud, amazed at Prince's speed.
Prince focused mostly on rolling the katamari around, but still managed to grin smugly. "Naturally. I'm a pro at this kids! Remember, don't try this at home! ...Oops, guess I was late in saying that! Hahaha..."
A few cousins rolled their eyes and re-focused on Prince, already at 20-something centimeters and was leaving the house. "More stuff out there than in here! Later!" Prince said, dashing out into the street.
Dipp, Peso, and Beyond looked at each other, and shrugged. Peso and Beyond followed on foot, while Dipp and Princess followed by air. Huey stayed behind, more interested in doing aerial tricks with Rainbow and Chippy. Because of this, most other cousins became distracted and instead chose to watch the little 'show' Huey was putting on.
Strangely enough, this was intended. Prince told Huey to distract the other cousins by any means neccessary, since Prince didn't really want any extra attention. It worked pretty spectacularly, to say the least.
Marcy watched this demonstration with a bit of contempt. "Feh. He's so showy. I mean, those birds aren't even decent-looking. I've never seen more pale and bleck things in my life." He said, scoffing noticibly at the birds.
Both seagulls seemed to take offence at this, and one of them divebombed Marcy, covering him in bird... leavings.
Marcy, now completely covered in the whitish-paste, didn't move at all. He stood rigidly as the other cousins either were staring in shock or ralphing in a paper bag.
"...I hate birds. I really, really, hate birds." Marcy said slowly, twitching.
Ace started bursting out with laughter, slapping his leg. "AHAHAHAHAHAHA! THAT'S-! YES! JUST YES! YOU WERE SO OWNED! YOU'RE COVERED IN BIRD CRAP! AHAHAHAHA! THAT'S BEAUTIFUL! IT'S JUST SO FUNNY! 'CAUSE A DUMB, STUPID BIRD-"
"...Crapped on you." Ace finished, coated in the foul-smelling substance.
Marcy visibly smiled from under the layer of poop. "Suddenly I actually feel better. Thanks for cheering me up, Ace old boy."
"...Go suck it."
Meanwhile, outside the house...
Prince rolled the ball of junk out into the street, swerving in and around the numerous obstacles. He was followed by Dipp, Peso, Beyond, and Princess, cheering him onward to the goal size, the katamari now over 53 centimeters big.
Suddenly, Prince skidded to a halt, and startled mumbling to himself. Before the others could even ask what was the matter, Prince turned to them and started talking.
"...You know what? I'm missing something here!" He said matter-of-factly.
Dipp gave him a quizzical look. "What? We have the katamari, the loyal friends cheering ya on, the loads of stuff to roll up... what could be missing?"
"Why... something with a little... pizazz maybe..."
"P-Pizazz? You mean like-?"
"I do mean like. Go on then."
Dipp squealed with excitement and pulled a boombox (of all things) out of his 'magic' pockets, then flipped it on. The song 'Katamari on the Swing' began blaring from the speakers, prompting Dipp to do a little dance. "Yeah baby! This is what I'm talkin' about!"
"Alright!" Prince said, moving in tune to the song, "Now this I can roll to!"
"That's what she said! Whoo!" Havana suddenly yelled, having followed them all this far through the streets.
Prince facepalmed. "Havana, why the hell have you followed us this far?"
"Huh? I dunno. Guess I was just bored."
"Argh, fine. If you have to follow us, then just shut up for five minutes, will ya?"
"Uh, yeah, roger that sir. I mean cuz. I mean Prince. I mean-"
"SHUT THE HELL UP ALREADY!" Dipp yelled, "I'M TRYING TO LISTEN TO THE SONG!"
Once that mess was out of the way, Prince continued on his katamari rolling. Climbing from centimeters to meters, and beginning to roll up people, cars, trees, then houses, until the katamari was 48 meters wide.
"Holy crapsauce..." Dipp said with astonishment, "This is getting huge! How much further?"
"Hmm, let's see," Beyond said, pulling a calculator from his pocket, "If we're at 48 meters... The King asked for 5000... we're barely a one-fiftieth of the final size... you do the goddamn math!" He threw the calculator off the side of the bird he was now riding with Dipp (Peso was riding on the other bird with Princess), landing on the katamari (adding a total of 0.3 centimeters to it's total size).
"Geez, don't be so harsh, I know we're so far away still... I'm just getting tired is all."
"Oh, that's nice. Now try to stay awake piloting this bird or you'll be more than just tired."
Two minutes later, the Prince was rolling up whole skyscrapers, the katamari swelling to 200 meters. Then it rolled out off the land and began rolling up islands and distant cities. Another two minutes later it was over 600 meters. Then 800. then 1000. Then 2000. The goal was getting closer and closer, but time was running out, as the sun began to set in the distance.
"Oh no!" Dipp shouted, "We're almost out of time! The King's gonna be here soon! Oh crap, if Prince doesn't hurry up, the King will have our asses on a platter! Oh crap oh crap oh crap oh crap oh crap-"
"Guys~!" A voice sounded out, and the enormous katamari grinded to a halt.
Dipp, Beyond, Peso, and Princess looked slightly confused. "What's going on?" Peso asked, and the four, still flying on their seagull mounts, flew down to see Prince at the base of the katamari. When they arrived, dismounting their birds, they found that Prince was exhausted, the 5-mile katamari next to him in a nearly-ridiculous contrast.
"...So? What's the word cuz?" Dipp asked, and waited for Prince's response. He had to wait a minute for Prince to catch his breath, but his answer made the wait worth it. "It's done."
At long last, the katamari, which started as a miniscule 5 centimeters, has finally grown to over 5000 meters. Whole islands, cities, clouds, and even rainbows were stuck to it. A gigantic size, to be sure. And it was not a moment too soon.
"Soooooo~ It seems that you DID make that katamari for Us after all." A powerful voice boomed.
Surprised, the group turned their gaze skyward, where the King of All Cosmos had appeared. "D-Dad!" Prince sputtered nervously, "I... Uh..."
"Be silent! We do not have any business with you, Prince." The King said harshly, "Where is Peso? We were under an impression that he would be rolling the katamari."
Peso pushed his way to the front of the group. "I-I'm right h-here, Sir K-King!" He said, stuttering.
"Ah, lovely. You have done well in rolling this katamari Peso. We actually had much doubting of you. We actually were sharpening Our mace minutes ago in preparation for your punishment! You should be happy that it was not necessary."
Dipp and Beyond sighed with relief. "Thank God that's over-" Dipp started to say, but Peso continued speaking.
"Well, actually I started the katamari at 5 cm to 9 cm, then Prince did the rest of it so I shouldn't get all the cred-hueeek!" Peso said, suddenly being strangled by Dipp who was whispering "Shut the hell up!" in his ear.
Thankfully, the King didn't hear this, and proceeded to pick up the massive katamari. "Now then, let us evaluate this... Hmm, We see, We see... Aha! Eureka! We have concluded Our examination!"
"Umm... Great!" Dipp said, still holding Peso by the neck, "How'd it go?"
"We bestow a score of... 120 points! Whoooosh! Fabulous! Peso has truly outdone himself!"
Peso's eyes began to sparkle. "R-Really?" He said, forgetting it was Prince who actually rolled the katamari, "I'm... really that great?"
Prince scowled at this. "Of course. I can't do any better than Peso. You don't need me then!" He said, then began walking away.
"Halt, Prince!" The King suddenly roared, "We need a word with you!"
"*Sigh*... What do you want now?"
"We were thinking... This new system is pretty okay good, but... We miss the old way of doing things. Won't you please come back to duty?"
"Hmm... Let me think... uh... NO!"
"We thought you might say that, so We picked you up a little something..."
The King held out an outstretched hand so that Prince could see. In it, was a Royal Present. Prince was stunned.
"A p-present? But it's not even my birthday!"
"Who cares? Not Us. And neither should you. If you agree to come back to Us, then you will recieve it without penalty and We will forgive you for your stupidity and arrogance."
"...You could've left out that last part... but..." Prince eyed the present enviously, "I would love to have that... but maybe- Wait... Is this some kind of trick?"
"No tricks up Our sleeve, We assure you. Won't you please?"
"I... really... don't think I should..."
"Hmm? In that case, we will give it to Marcy. Ooh, or maybe Ace-"
"Okay okay fine! I'll take it! I'll come back! But only because Ace totally doesn't deserve a present like that! I'm not doing it for you, Mr. King of All Fatheads!"
"...We will ignore that last statement. Now, here is your gift. Take it and be prosperous."
The King tossed the present down to Prince, and at the same time threw the 5000 meter katamari into the now-evening sky, becoming a bright, bright star that made every other look like low-watt bulbs compared to flood lights. "Aaahhhh... So pretty..." The King said, admiring the new star, then he vanished as quickly as he arrived.
Dipp, Peso, Beyond, and Princess strolled over to Prince, now furiously unwrapping the present.
"Ehh, sorry you never got credit for that katamari cuz." Dipp said apologetically, "If we can do anything to make it up to you..."
Prince paid no attention to him, as he was busy ripping the wrapper from the gift. Finally, the wrapper was torn of and the lid of the box lifted off. When Prince saw what was inside his heart stopped.
It was another, fresh katamari. 5 cm big, and bright green in color.
Prince was stunned. He stood there looking at his 'gift', not saying a word. His eyes were twitching noticibly.
"Uhh... Heheh... Well, on the bright side, it's your color!" said Dipp, attempting to brighten the situation, but it did not help. At all.
"That... big... goddamn... buffoon..." Prince said quietly, barely moving his mouth when he spoke.
Dipp and the others looked at Prince with growing concern. "...Prince? Cousin? Buddy-ol'-pal? Are you feeling okay?"
Prince was not feeling okay.
Without warning, he shouted at the top of his lungs, "THAT SON OF A BIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII-"
Halfway around the world...
On a desert mountainside, a black and red cousin named Kuro sat by a small bonfire he lit, reading a Tom Clancy novel under the stars. Things were very quiet and peaceful, exactly the way Kuro liked it. That changed however, when a distant noise became audible and grew louder and louder.
"IIIIIIIIIITCH-! ! !" It screamed, and was followed by many other loud curses and colorful vocabulary.
Kuro groaned miserably. Thankfully, he'd planned for this. He reached into his pocket and pulled out an iPod, then wore a pair of sound-cancelling headphones and put on some good music, just loud enough to render the distant screams inaudible.
Kuro sighed with relief and lay back down, continuing to read his novel and listen to some tunes as if nothing was out of the ordinary.
Oh yes! What a happy ending indeed! We are so pleased. We not only got a big honking katamari to make into a star, but We convinced Prince to come back to Us! Oh, happy day~! Ahem. Now then. We shall say nothing more than farewell, goodbye, and saluton! ...Wait, 'Saluton' means 'Hello' in Esperanto. Silly Us. We forgot what the word for 'See ya' is. Ah, well. Do you know Esperanto? Maybe We'll invent a cosmic Esperanto. Oh yes, We almost forgot... Nope, We completely forgot. Maybe We'll remember later on. Like that's possible. Whatever. ...Oops, We left the fire in the castle's bath room on. We must tend to it then. Bye bye people! We'll be back! We assure you! As We say in the Cosmos: "What goes around comes around"... Unless you're in the katamari's way. In that case, you're rolling around. Farewell!
- The King of All Cosmos
END OF EPISODE 1
A/N: And done! The first full episode has been completed! Happy days galore! Now then, what did you think of it? Good? Bad? Somewhere in between? I wanna know. The folks at didn't slap a 'Review' button down there for no reason! Review please, and if you do, expect the beginning of Episode 2 to come up later!
Fare thee well!