Gentle Farore, Not a Sequel!
('Felonious Road Trip')
Davin Sunrider boldly strode down the halls of Hyrule Castle, sword in hand, fury burning in his smoldering green eyes. The wind howled down the cold tower corridor, impressively sweeping the dashing young man's long, wavy hair and billowing his cloak.
"Your dark reign is at an end, Ganondorf," Davin challenged, brandishing his gleaming weapon. "Face me, if you can!"
"What are you doing?" a deep, unintentionally menacing voice inquired curiously from somewhere behind him.
Davin Sunrider-the non-fictional, rather less physically impressive one-guiltily looked up from his laptop, hurriedly closing the document before Ganondorf could see what it was. "Er, just...checking my e-mail," he said nervously, scratching his recently-grown beard. It was a bit scraggly still, and had been unfavorably compared to a barnyard by his friends, in that, according to them, his face appeared to be growing hay.
Davin was not pleased with the comparison, though he did have to admit that it wasn't the first time his face had been compared to a barnyard. Kids can be so cruel.
The Dark Lord Ganondorf, somehow de-fictionalized and active in The Real World, crossed his arms over his chest, causing his leather jacket to creak ominously, and eyed the young writer dubiously, clearly not believing him.
The two of them were in a coffee shop in a rural Utah town along the highway, having stopped there to re-supply and gas up Davin's truck. Since the police were actively looking for the Dark Lord after Ganondorf had broken an alarming number of laws in an even more alarmingly short period of time, Davin was a bit nervous about the distinctive enormous man walking around in full view of the cell phone-equipped public, but there was no arguing with him.
"I've finished procuring our supplies," said the Dark Lord. "We should depart this outpost as soon as possible."
Davin looked warily up at his captor/road trip 'buddy' as he shut down his laptop and began packing it in its case. "You did pay for it, didn't you?" he asked with a sinking feeling in his stomach.
Ganondorf chuckled darkly, drawing curious stares from the other patrons in the coffee shop. "Of course I did, Sunrider," he said. "I did, however, manage to negotiate a substantial discount."
Davin sighed heavily. Time to get moving again for sure. "Let's go," he said exasperatedly, heading for the door.
Outside, the two of them climbed into Davin's dark blue pickup, which had several storage crates and a motorcycle secured in the bed. The crates and the truck belonged to Davin.
The motorcycle did not.
Neither did the black T-shirt, jeans, boots, and leather jacket Ganondorf wore, or the sawed-off shotgun hidden under the truck's passenger seat.
All of those belonged to a biker the Dark Lord had beaten up at their last stop, when the man had said something less than complimentary about Ganondorf's previous outfit, a full suit of gold-edged plate armor. The armor was currently wedged into the storage crates along with a vast array of soft drinks, (which were Davin's) beer, (which was Ganondorf's), and junk food, which both of them were eating.
Since Ganondorf was now in possession of a motorcycle, Davin didn't see why the Dark Lord didn't just take it and ride off into the sunset, committing felonies along the way. But no! For reasons still unfathomable to the young writer, Ganondorf had decided to keep Davin around and rack up a few more 'accessory to' charges for him. Every time Davin tried to escape, Ganondorf always found him again a few hours later, so he had finally given up and accepted that he would be dying a bullet-riddled death during Ganondorf's inevitable confrontation with the authorities.
As Davin negotiated his way back onto the highway, Ganondorf plugged Davin's MP3 player into the truck's stereo system and promptly began blasting Metallica's 'Sad But True' out of the open windows, much to the annoyance of the retired couple in the sedan they passed. That was one thing that made this little road trip tolerable; at least the Dark Lord shared Davin's taste in music, for the most part.
This was, however, one of the very few positive aspects of Davin's life at present. As he drove down the boringly featureless expanse of Utah desert, headed east, he reflected on how his life had degenerated into a flight from the police in the company of a terrifying man who should have had the good sense to stay fictional.
First, Davin had somehow managed to accidentally get transported into someone else's self-insert story, where Ganondorf had indentured him into servitude, namely as his Court Comedian. After several hellish weeks of being forced to tell jokes or die, Davin had finally discerned the truth of his surroundings, and had made his escape through an impassioned rant, during which he used the creative power of his mind to make the entire experience an admittedly clichéd horrible dream.
Ganondorf, however, took objection to the use of such an awful cliché, and followed him back to The Real World, which he now refused to leave. Davin had successfully managed to hide the hulking Dark Lord in his house for some time, during which period Ganondorf had amused himself by ordering things over the Internet and then terrorizing the delivery people. But, inevitably, the Dark Lord had grown bored and ventured out into 21st-century America, where he promptly got into trouble with the law.
Davin threw an annoyed look at his unwanted traveling companion. "I realize you're not from around here," he said irately, periodically glancing back at the road, "but even you should have known better than to illegally download music. They're really cracking down on that now."
"You didn't have the Apocalyptica album I wanted in your soul-capturing device," Ganondorf replied mildly. "I'm the King of Thieves, remember?"
"You've made that somewhat hard to forget," Davin grumbled, shifting in his seat. he glanced back over at Ganondorf. "And put on your seat-belt! The last thing we need is to get pulled over. 'Click it or ticket', remember?"
Ganondorf pulled the seat-belt across his chest, pointedly ramming it into the buckle with a loud click. "Your society is a strange one if the police have to enforce safety procedures," he observed. As Davin passed an SUV, Ganondorf leaned out of his window and bellowed, "Get off your cell phone, asshat! You're going to kill someone!"
The driver of the SUV, startled, promptly put away his phone and clenched his hands around the wheel, eyeing the enormous threatening man nervously.
Davin could barely keep his own eyes on the road as he regarded the Dark Lord with a weirded-out expression once Ganondorf pulled himself back inside the cab.
Ganondorf met his eyes curiously. "That is the traditional warning to drivers engrossed in those devices, is it not? You yourself have used the expression on occasion."
"Yeah, I'm just a little surprised to hear you say it," said Davin.
"Peahats are notoriously dull-witted," Ganondorf said. "It only stands to reason that the corresponding creature from your realm would be similarly unintelligent, and thus suitable for use as an insult."
"That's not what 'asshat' means... Oh forget it," Davin sighed. "Do you have any idea where we're going, or just 'east' still?"
"East," Ganondorf confirmed. "The other two Bearers are still somewhere to the east."
"Wait, what?" Davin exclaimed. "You dragged Link and Zelda here with you?"
"Of course," Ganondorf replied. "I certainly wasn't going to leave them in Hyrule to undo all my hard work while I went chasing after you."
"Why did you go chasing after me?" Davin demanded. "For the hundredth time, why?"
"Do you know how hard it is to find a good comedian?" Ganondorf replied. "Breaking the dimensional barrier was a small price to pay to keep you around, even if you are a bit traitorous."
"Breaking the fourth wall is more like it," Davin grumbled. "You're not even real, you know that?"
"Yes, you've explained it to me," Ganondorf said, reaching out the window to flip off a sports car that zoomed around them, well over the speed limit. From his extended middle finger, the Dark Lord shot a bolt of energy that punctured the sports car's left rear tire.
Davin swerved around the sports car as it slowed down, pulling off to the side of the road, and gave Ganondorf a dirty look. "I wish you wouldn't do that."
"Hyrule is the subject of fiction in your realm," Ganondorf went on as if nothing had happened. His expression shifted to one of distaste. "Some of it better than others."
"I told you 'slash' didn't mean what you thought it did," Davin said. "Serves you right for not listening to me."
"I'm trying to kill Link!" Ganondorf growled. "Why would I ever do something like that with him? I'm the king of an entire race of hot girls who'll do anything I say! Anything!"
Davin sighed. "Would you please stop using my world's slang? It sounds so weird coming from you."
"I'm just trying to fit in, Sunrider dude," said Ganondorf. "You told me I was attracting too much attention."
"You attract attention because you're seven foot six and built like a tank," Davin replied. "Anything else is just whiskers on the catfish."
"'Whiskers on the catfish?'" Ganondorf said dubiously.
"It's a real expression!" Davin said defensively. He looked over at the Dark Lord. "Hey, you don't get to make fun of the way I talk. Be quiet." He glanced back up at the road, than back at Ganondorf. "And how many other people who are supposed to be fictional did you bring with you? Are there some Darknuts running around I should know about?"
"Only Link and Zelda," said Ganondorf. "However, I encountered some trouble in crossing the barrier, so I am not exactly... certain where they are. I can sense their general direction, but little else."
"Lovely," Davin said sarcastically. "I can tell this is going to end well, completely without shoot-outs, explosions, and bodily harm for yours truly."
"If my experiences in your realm are any evidence," said Ganondorf, "we can almost certainly expect all of that. Your law enforcement officers are overly sensitive, in my opinion."
Davin's response was to slam his forehead into the center of his steering wheel hard enough to set off the horn.
"Hey!" Ganondorf shouted, jabbing his shoulder. "Watch the road, asshat!"
Author's Note: All of my main stories have been so serious/depressing lately that I need to write some humor, stat. I decided when I ended it that I wouldn't make a sequel to 'Merciful Nayru' unless I could make it just as funny as the original, but I've thought of enough good jokes that I think I can have some real fun with this one.
Davin the Asshat-Er, Dark Side Comedian, will return in, "Costume Party's That Way', coming approximately sometime soon. Later!