Seven

('All Right, Enough Of This Crap')

Davin Sunrider, former Dark Side Comedian and current involuntary outlaw, sat cuffed to an interrogation table, staring up at something he did not expect.

Himself.

For, you see, Davin saw himself sitting in a chair-shaped cloud, armed with a reality-bending laptop, currently wearing a green flannel shirt, gray sweatpants, blue-and-black knitted socks, and a surprised expression.

The other Davin looked around at the cast of characters gathered around the table. "You can all see me now, can't you?" he said apprehensively.

"Yes," said the Dark Lord Ganondorf. "Yes, we can."

"You wanna explain just what the hell is going on here?" said The Fangirl, perched on her own Writer's Cloud.

"Hmm," said Other Davin. "I appear to have fallen asleep while writing all of this. That's the only explanation I can think of."

"So," said Davin, the one cuffed to the table, "I'm in a dream within a dream, within yet another dream?"

"Yes," answered the other Davin, whom the fictional Davin decided to call The Author for the sole reason of not confusing himself any further. "I've always wondered what lucid dreaming is like; seems like I finally got it to work this time."

"This is about four different kinds of messed up," said Davin. "I think you've got some 'splainin to do."

The Author chuckled. "Ah, me. I'm so funny I make me laugh so hard sometimes."

"Shut up and answer the question, jerk!" snapped The Fangirl. "What is going on here?"

"I am The Author," said The Author. "All of this is happening in my imagination, just before I write it down in The Real World and then later post it on a website for people to read."

"So all this crap is you coming up with weird plot twists and jokes?" Davin said incredulously. "All this weirdness about me dreaming this but actually being inside her head is you trying to be creative?"

"Pfft!" scoffed The Fangirl. "Creativeness Fail! You suck, Other Glasses Fish!"

"Quiet, you, or I'll make you kiss Ganondorf!" said The Author, with narrowed eyes.

"That's not a punishment to her," Ganondorf pointed out, gesturing up at the practically salivating Fangirl.

"Oh, right," said The Author. He turned back to The Fangirl. "Be quiet, or I'll make you kiss Davin."

"BLAAAAAARRRGGGHHH!" The Fangirl screamed in revulsion. "I'll be good, I swear!"

"Is this really necessary?" Davin complained. "The least you can do for a fictional version of yourself is at least not make me repulsive to all women. Is this some sort of attempt at self-parody, or are you really that pathetic?"

"Quiet, you, or I'll make you kiss Ganondorf," threatened The Author.

Ganondorf actually turned a little green at this. "That's a punishment for both of us," he said, shuddering.

Davin also shuddered. "You said it, Your Evilness."

"Isn't this supposed to be a Legend of Zelda story?" asked The Fangirl. "The only character I see is Ganondorf, and he's hardly doing anything Zelda-y."

Ganondorf grinned suggestively at this, but before he could even say anything, Davin snapped, "Don't you even say it!"

"Yeah!" agreed The Author. "I've mostly avoided that sort of humor with this story so far, and I'll not have you starting up just because I've fallen asleep!"

"What about all that business with the hippies?" Ganondorf said. "Some girl asked me to go back to her tent, and the next time Davin saw me, I was naked! How much more suggestive can you get, you hypocrite?"

The Author fell silent at this, though he clearly wasn't happy at being outwitted by one of his own characters. "It's not explicit!" he said defensively.

"It ain't 'PG', either," retorted Davin.

"I rated this story 'T'," The Author argued. "I think I'm actually being quite tame with this. You should see some of the other things I've seen on this site that claim to be 'T'."

"I've seen them," Ganondorf said with another shudder. "Some people do not understand the rating system."

"Or they just don't care," The Fangirl pointed out.

"There's that," Ganondorf agreed. "Although, to be fair, most of life isn't 'PG' or even 'PG-13', really. You should hear how this guy talks when he thinks nobody who knows him is listening."

"Oh, I know you're not talking about me, Mr. Promiscuous Overlord!" Davin snapped. "It might not have been written down, but I could hear what was going on in that tent!"

"What did I just tell you?" exclaimed The Author. "Keep it clean! Is that so hard?"

"That's what she said!" Davin shouted at him defiantly.

"Oh, that's it!" yelled The Author, leaping down off his cloud. "It's on now!"

He ran over and kicked Davin in the shin, hard. He jumped back when Davin tried to retaliate, thumbing his nose obnoxiously.

"A little help?" Davin said to Ganondorf, jerking his handcuffs against the loop on the table for emphasis.

Ganondorf quickly shot a bolt of power at him that severed the chain connecting the handcuffs, and Davin leaped over the table to tackle The Author to the ground.

"Now, that's existential," The Fangirl observed.

"No, it isn't!" Ganondorf retorted over the fighting Davins. "That's not what 'existential' means at all!"

"Why don't you come up here and prove it, Grumpendorf?" The Fangirl taunted. She stuck her thumbs in her ears and waved her fingers mockingly at the Dark Lord.

"Don't think just because you're a girl I won't do it!" Ganondorf warned, pointing at her with an ominous finger.

"Oooh, big scary Dark Lord in a biker jacket!" The Fangirl said mockingly. "I'm all the way up here! What can-"

Ganondorf waved his hand, and the cloud-chair disappeared, dropping The Fangirl unceremoniously to the floor.

"Oh, crap."

None of the four of them ever quite figured out exactly what happened after that, because after perhaps a minute or two of free-for-all brawling through the tiny interrogation room, they all paused at a piercing whistle.

They froze, tangled around one another, hands/arms/legs wrapped around one another's necks, and looked up to see Princess Zelda standing in the doorway, hands on her hips and a disapproving frown on her face. She still wore her modern clothes and long dark red coat, but for some reason had put on her tiara. Link stood behind her, once again armed with his sword and shield.

"What is going on here?" the Princess demanded irritably. "And I want a simple, concise explanation."

"He's a jerk," said The Fangirl, indicating Davin, whom she had in a headlock. "And so is he," she said, indicating The Author, whose hands were (partly) wrapped around the throat of Ganondorf, who had a fist raised to punch him, and also one leg trying to kick The Fangirl.

"That sums it up rather well, actually," agreed Ganondorf, relinquishing his grip on The Author's collar and standing up. "Shall we be going back to Hyrule, then?"

"I thought you would never ask," Zelda said. "Even a Hyrule under your control is more tolerable than this crazy place."

"Hey!" Davin and The Author said in unison.

Ganondorf looked at the other two Triforce Bearers. "What do you say we forget these three idiots, go back to Hyrule, and go back to trying to kill each other like we always do? I'll invade the castle again and take Zelda prisoner, and then Link can try to free her and maybe kill me, but then I'll just come right back and start the whole thing over again in slightly different form."

"Deal," said Link.

"Agreed," said Zelda.

"But what about the romance?" asked The Fangirl.

"But what about the comedy?" asked The Author.

When he didn't say anything, they all glanced expectantly at Davin.

"I don't have a plaintive question," he said. "I just want all this to be over."

Zelda looked at The Fangirl, then at The Author, then gestured at Davin. "The romance isn't romantic, the comedy isn't funny, at least not to me, and both of you have tormented this poor boy entirely too much. I think it's time to put an end to this, finally, so all of us can find something more productive to do."

"Fine," The Author said grumpily. "I'll write an ending." He retrieved his laptop, placed it on the table, and typed for a few minutes.

"You should come with us," Ganondorf said to the fictional Davin. "I can order one of my guards to be your girlfriend, and maybe together we can finish conquering Hyrule and turn it into a nice party kingdom. I'll give you your own Evil Castle, and you can do whatever you want with it."

"Thanks, but no thanks," said Davin. "After all the crap that's happened to me over the last fourteen chapters, I think I'll just be happy to become a dormant part of his imagination for a while," he said with a gesture at The Author. He shrugged, grinning. "Who knows? Since I'm actually a part of his mind, maybe I can screw up his life a little for doing all this to me."

Ganondorf grinned amusedly. "That sounds fair." He extended a hand. "Good luck, Sunrider dude."

Davin shook his hand. "Good luck to you, Your Evilness," he replied. He grinned. "But not too much."

Ganondorf laughed only a little unpleasantly, then went to stand over by the other two Bearers.

"Aaaand, done!" said The Author, hitting a final key on his laptop.

Ganondorf used his magic, and the three Bearers vanished back to Hyrule to have more, hopefully less ridiculous adventures.

The Fangirl, since she was completely a part of The Author's imagination, simply disappeared with a final, echoing, "You're a jerk, Glasses Fish!"

Davin and The Author regarded each other for a moment as the interrogation room faded away into blank whiteness.

"You know what?" Davin said to his non-fictional self.

"What?" The Author asked.

"We are one screwed-up guy, you know that?"

The Author grinned cheerfully. "You like being like this and you know it."

Davin pondered this for a moment, then finally shrugged. "It is pretty fun."

"Hey," said The Author. "You think I should do a third one someday?"

Davin made a face. "Goddesses, no." He stared at his real self for a moment. "You're going to do a third one, aren't you?"

The Author grinned obnoxiously. "Of course. What's a crappy sequel without an even crappier sequel to follow it?"

Davin facepalmed. "Please tell me you aren't going to write it right after this one. The only thing worse than a stupid sequel to an otherwise good original is two stupid sequels made back-to-back. Don't go all Hollywood on me... me."

The Author waved a hand dismissively. "Nah," he said. "I'll give it a few months. I've got too much else to do to go right back to tormenting you for another seven chapters."

"Gee, thanks," Davin said sarcastically. "Are you going to end this, or are we just going to debate this for another few pages?"

The Author just smiled again. "All right, I'll end it. I'll see you when I see you, dude."

Davin sighed. "No rush."


Author's Note: And you didn't think it was possible for me to make this any weirder. Showed you, didn't I? ;)

This is the end, though. Davin the Dark Side Comedian will not return until 'Flaming Din, Not a Trilogy!' in several months, or the next time I feel the need to write something ridiculous. For now, though, I extend my thanks to all the reviewers. Except that one guy from Chapter 5. Calm down, dude; it's a goofy humor story, not a political blog. There's no call for that kind of thing here.

Now it's back to work on my regular fics; please check those out if you haven't already. Thanks for reading!