Boktai 4: The Radiation is in your Hand
(AN: This is the world's most dangerous and illegal video game to play. Instead of sunlight, this game requires actual nuclear radiation from power plants, submarines, weapons, etc. to fight vampires and bosses. Some people who played this have died from radiation poisoning because they didn't have special radiation suits on. So if you play this game, WEAR A RADIATION SUIT! I shall focus on the actual story now and not on the game play.)
Prologue: Everywhere Django looked, he could see vampires everywhere. He got out his Gun Del Sol. "Taaiiyyooohh!" No effect. He looked ahead and saw vampires giving out what looked to be vaccines. This madness has gotta stop. Did the vampires actually find a sunlight vaccine? No, it couldn't be true. But apparently it was.
Some physicists were in a science lab mixing chemicals.
"Hey, look at this! The vampire DNA is annihilated 1000 times quicker than the UV rays were able to."
"I think we may have found a breakthrough."
Actual story:Django picked up a TIME magazine and read an article stating that physicists are beginning to worry that sunlight simply may not be enough to get rid of vampires. A recent experiment had proven that nuclear radiation is a thousand times more effective. Physicists had built several nuclear power plants all over the moorland and hired a bunch of lazy, irresponsible teenagers to run them so that a meltdown would be more likely. Django thought with a pang, what about us regular humans, who would also get vaporized in an instant? He read on further. Apparently they will require everyone to put on radiation suits to brace for the coming core meltdowns that are supposed to vaporize all the vampires.
Public health officials were giving out nuclear radiation suits to everyone in town. Django found himself standing in a mile long line. By the time he got up there he was 30 years old. The public health officials put the radiation suit on him.
"Enjoy the rest of your summer!" he smirked. Django blew him a kiss. What was it about this guy that aroused him? He took off his backwards cap and his hoodie to reveal violet hair and a spaghetti strap top.
"Sabata? Oh yeah, I'm totally in love with you. I would do things to you that you could only imagine!" Django spoke in a manner that one would use to talk to a cute animal. Off in the distance he saw a mushroom cloud. It was a nuclear meltdown! Django had a smirk on his bubbly face. Those vampires are about to experience hell times 9000. A bunch of bloody, severely burned, dismembered vampire body parts were thrown all around the vicinity. Sabata zeroed in on a dismembered head.
"Hey, isn't that Edward Cullen from Twilight? I think that might be him, but I dunno. If so, then WOOOOOO! OH YEAH BABY!" Sabata took off his spaghetti strap and danced around, shirtless, with his arms in the air.
Over the next few months, vampires came back and as quickly as they came back, they were wiped out by yet another nuclear meltdown by lazy, irresponsible teenagers who unwillingly sacrificed their lives because the public health officials "forgot about them." They actually were somewhat prejudice against teenagers. The rest of the public population were completely happy and healthy because of their radiation suits. Until...
"Aw crap, we've run out of nuclear plants and money! We just love using the economy as an excuse to put our people in peril, don't we?" president Jormungandr spoke in front of the mike on MSNBC, which Boktai was watching, scuse me, Django. Jormungandr was wearing a business suit with a red undershirt. "There are no more nuclear plants now, so the vampires are all gonna take over the world. Dammit, we should have built a space station. We should have terraformed Jupiter." Jormungandr banged his peanut head on the wall several times.
"Mr. President. Why not send Django Henson a dream in his sleep tonight and tell him that he should upgrade his Gun Del Sol to the Gun Del Nucleares (Django's last name is Henson in this story). Jormungandr nodded.
That night Django left his middle school dorm room (where he was watching TV) and went to Sabata's place.
"I baked you a turkey. Happy Thanksgiving! Happy sleep also!" Sabata greeted. Django fainted. He did not want things to change. Ever. Sabata force fed Django some of the turkey. "It's a natural sleep aid."
"You're in on this, too?" Django gasped. Sabata nodded. Soon it was nighty night for Django. That night Django dreamed that he was told by Jormungandr that he must upgrade his Gun Del Sol to the Gun Del Nucleares. Django was expecting this from the start, since he did watch MSNBC everyday.
"Jetzt geben die Vampire Hölle mit Ihren Gun Del Nucleares," Jormungandr encouraged.
"Umm... What?" Django asked, confused.
"Sorry. I forgot you don't speak German. Anyway..." Jormungandr said the same thing in English.
"I WILL give them hell, dude," Django boasted. He gave Jormungandr some dap.
Django woke up finally. He was ready for the upgrade. He had received a note in the mail. It was similar to some kind of puzzle one might see in a Professor Layton game. Django finally deciphered it and it led him to... the Speed School of Engineering at the University of Louisville! The note told him to walk in room 111 of Ernz hall at 2:30 p.m. (Did I spell that right? If not, screw it!). He did. He walked over to the podium. Professor Carmilla was teaching the class about nuclear decay. Someone off screen mumbled something that sounded like there was duct tape over his or her mouth.
"SHUT THE VUCK UP! NO ORIGINAL CHARACTERS ARE ALLOWED TO APPEAR!" she snapped. Django walked up to her with his Gun Del Sol. She flinched, and then she remembered the plan. She took his Gun Del Sol and used some kinds of complex machinery to tinker with it while writing stuff on the board. It all was part of the lesson plan.
At the end of the 75 minutes, she gave it back to him.
"Don't forget, it uses nuclear radiation now, not sunlight. Remember that nuclear plants, nuclear bombs, and certain war submarines are nuclear powered and or produce nuclear explosions, allowing you to kill whole swaths of vampires. Got it?" Django nodded.
Django walked to the nuclear weapon repository in Soviet Russia. He was holding a Winn Dixie grocery bag and nabbed a few nuclear bombs. (The video game version of this part is a side scrolling stealth mission.) He walked back to wherever U of L is located, and then he remembered something.
"There are no vampires in whatever city that U of L is located! I should go back to Antarctica where I saw lots of vampires!" Django did a face palm. He did a summoning whistle, and Jormungandr appeared. He got on Jormungandr and he flapped his mighty wings and took him across the border of Germany to Antarctica.
"Oh snap! I forgot my nuclear bombs!" Django was missing his grocery bag with the nuclear weapons.
When they traveled next door to China to Antarctica, Django was ready to release his load.
"DIE, VAMPIRES! SEE YOU IN HELL, ASSUMING I GO THERE AFTER I DIE. I AM AN ATHEIST AFTER ALL, SO MAYBE I WILL SEE YOU ALL BURN IN HELL!" He dropped his bag of nuclear weapons and watched the firestorm of dismembered... polar bear heads and paws?
"Aw hot damn! I mistook a bunch of polar bears for vampires! WE. ARE. SCREWED!" Django panicked. "But polar bears have fangs, don't they? How was I supposed to know they're not vampires?" Not only that, but the intense nuclear heat melted that polar ice cap, and since Antarctica is located right next to Germany, Germany is no longer the world's most populous country, since it contains 1/3 of the world population.
"I just remembered this one Bible prophecy about one third of stuff being destroyed in the book of Revelation! THE ANTICHRIST IS COMING SOON!" Django panicked once more. "Germany has one third of the population and they're all dead! And since I'm an atheist, I'm gonna get left below during the Rapture! God will damn me for sure!" Django's heart rate went up 600% within the past few minutes.
Miss Henson looked at Django with eight, I mean, two narrowed eyes.
"You forgot to use your Gun Del Nucleares and obliterated Antarctica! Now Russia has one less nuclear weapon. Do you know how to use this device?" Django realized he did not.
"What about the polar bears? They're all extinct?" Django protested.
"Psssh! No one cares about the polar bears! The vampires are more important!" his mom said sternly. Django realized she was right, and then he laughed.
Django spent the next several years being taught by Miss Henson how to use the Gun Del Nucleares. He got an A on his final exam (the video game version of this is a super long quiz).
It was so hot outside that no one was allowed to wear any clothes, ever! The penalty was six months in jail. That was why everyone decided to stay inside. And yes, radiation suits count as clothes. Django used his power saw to cut a hole in the floor of his house, trained himself to leg press 6000 lbs, and attached wheels to the house. Now he could move the house like how Fred Flintstone drives his car. That shall be how he drives without going outside. He held his Gun Del Nucleares while moving his house and shot some vampires while driving. Eventually his quadriceps got so big, he couldn't move his house.
A vampire seized a chainsaw from Django's shed and cut a huge hole in his home, exposing Django's naked body (his privates were pixellated to troll the perverts). Django saw his chance (no pun intended). He Gun Del Nucleares-ed the vampire to death, took the saw, and shaved off part of his quadriceps so he could move his house once more.
He moved around, aimlessly, shooting vampires, until he felt exhausted and could not find anymore vampires.
"Nice going, Chang ho! Your nuclear induced global warming has made us have to not wear any more clothes, ever!" Mr. Henson scolded him like a 7 year old kid. Django read today's paper. It said that they forgot to make customized radiation suits for different animals, so no one cares about them anymore. Django narrowed his eyes in rage, but realized it was pointless, so he desisted. Then he had an epiphany. What if he could turn all the animals undead? It was worth a try. But he destroyed all the vampires! Oh noez!
Django found himself reading the Warriors series (warning: spoiler(s) ahead!)
He finished reading Sunset and cried over Heavystep's death. He then started on The Sight and saw that Heavystep was still in the allegiances. What makes this cat so special? How can I apply it to my situation? He finished The Sight and moved on to Dark River in a matter of seconds (he was a very fast reader) and saw that Heavystep flattened his ears in disapproval, and then in Long Shadows, he cried over Heavystep's death, again.
"Eureka, I've got it!" He used his Gun Del Nucleares to erase my memory of this fanfic.
"Author of this story, I hereby melt your brain and force you to create a continuity snarl out of forgetfullness so the animals may yet live!" he pulled the trigger toward the computer screen.
There was no more nuclear warming and Django got himself a pet polar bear for Christmas because I forgot that the animals died.