A/N: Yay for plotbunnies! XD This is not in any way my usual, deep, angsty rambling, it's just a cute comedy-OneShot about what Adam and Lawrence do when they're both sick. And by the way, the reason I write this now has nothing to do with the fact that I have a cold right now. Really, nothing at all. Anyway, read!
We Said "In Sickness And In Health," Right?
Lawrence rarely got sick. It was extremely handy, in his opinion. Of course, he did spend three quarters of his life in a place that was crawling with bacteria to the level that you could probably find the cure for cancer in the waste bins of the examination rooms, (yes, he saw the irony in the fact that fighting cancer was one of the main things they did in that place) but since Lawrence was so conveniently paranoid and washed his hands every tenth seconds, that was rarely a problem.
And of course, he lived with Adam, which meant he spent that last quarter of his time nicely cuddled up with someone who looked at Lawrence like he was insane when he refused to let Adam taste his ice cream with a spoon that he'd licked on, drank milk straight out of the carton and had no problems touching the doorknob of public doors without disinfecting his hands afterwards. (Seriously, it was a good thing that he was a fireball in bed, or he'd never get to touch Lawrence with those hands before they were completely sterilized.)
That was one thing that was good about living with Allison. She'd been a damn nitpick about keeping things clean, too, so they did match on that level. Of course, there were so many good things about Adam that Lawrence had always been able to oversee these disease-ridden habits. And he was able to laugh when Adam quipped something about going back to Allison when Lawrence was too much on his case about his filthiness. He took it as a joke, because it was one. Of course he'd never go back to Allison.
At least that's what he'd always thought. But by god, Lawrence was so annoyed right now, he was one second away from calling Allison to say that if she was still as hygienic as he remembered her, it was worth all the cheating and emotional numbness in the world.
"It's soup, Adam."
"What am I supposed to do with it?"
"Put it on your head and dance like a chicken."
"You're supposed to eat it."
"Wow, someone's being quippy," Adam muttered and took a drink from his soup. Lawrence sighed.
"I just thought that a grown man at this day and age should've figured out what soup looks like."
Adam grinned and cringed a little when he had to swallow the soup through his sore throat.
They were currently sitting on their worn down couch, cuddled up close since they couldn't exactly get sicker than they already were, with the thick blanket from their bed spread across them both. Lawrence had really tried to go to work today, but it had been no use. His head felt like it was filled with lukewarm oatmeal, and he almost seemed to scare his patients when he tried to talk with his nose clogged up. He'd come home a few hours ago, and since then, Adam and him had watched 'Toy Story,' established that Adam was the Woody in their relationship (which of course had led to a countless number of dirty puns on Adam's behalf) and Lawrence was Buzz Lightyear, they'd played basketball by trying to hit the trashcan with their used Kleenexes, and Lawrence had finally started to remember that he was supposed to be mad at Adam.
"Man…" Adam said and stirred around with his cup with his spoon. "Colds are like a monster. Or… Zombienism. It starts off kind of plain, like in 'Night of the Living Dead,' with this one guy coming back to life while they're burying him, but before you know it - bam, the whole world is infected and looks like someone's ran their face in a blender! You can't avoid it!"
Lawrence sighed and rubbed the tip of his nose.
"So if you're a zombie, you'll die if I smash you in the head with a baseball bat?"
Adam didn't seem to hear him.
"You were doomed from the start, you know. Not even your weird fetish for washing your hands could've saved you."
"I need some kind of fetish. You're horrible in bed."
Adam rolled his eyes. Even in his oddly good mood considering the circumstances could he ignore how annoyed Lawrence was right now.
"What's your problem?"
Lawrence opened his mouth to give him an angry rant, but fell into a rattling coughing fit that caused him to bend over his lap and Adam to grin wickedly.
"That's God punishing you for being an ass," he said and smiled gleefully over his cup when Lawrence had calmed down. Lawrence glanced evilly at him.
"God must be bored."
"Don't say that. He's probably out to get us for all the unholy things we've done in the bedroom."
"Now, would you tell me what you're being a little bitch about?" Adam said and blew his nose again. If this cold didn't go away soon, his nose was going to get worn down until he looked like Michael Jackson towards the end.
Lawrence did his best not to smile at his own mind's amusing metaphors, and instead put on the scowl that he knew didn't scare Adam anyway, but what the hell. You work with what you got.
"What do you think?" he spat out at Adam's annoyingly grinning face. "'No, Lawrence, you can kiss me, it's fine! I'm not sick, I've just stopped eating and cough like a damn factory worker because I don't have anything better to do! It's fine, I promise!' I should just be thankful that you wore a condom the first time we had sex, you disease-carrying little bastard!"
"You were on top the first time, Lawrence," Adam said sweetly.
"Whatever," Lawrence snapped and coughed again. "Point is, you made me sick, and I'm mad at you."
Adam rolled his eyes again. But when he saw how mad Lawrence was, he sighed, moved closer under the blanket and snaked his hands around his neck. He knew Lawrence had a lot harder time being mad at him than he liked to pretend.
"You know I can't live without your red-hot kisses for more than an hour," he purred into Lawrence's ear. "And with you being the germaphobe you are, you didn't give me much of a choice."
Lawrence grumbled something and pushed him away. Adam cocked an eyebrow.
"Wow, you really are being a bitch today, aren't you?"
Lawrence didn't answer. Adam just stared at him for a bit before he sighed again and flopped down beside him.
"Fine," he said with fake annoyance. "Silent treatment. Let's see how long you can keep it up this time."
Lawrence scoffed, but still didn't say anything. Adam glanced over at him.
This wouldn't be hard. He knew that Lawrence deep down was too mature to be mad at him like this for too long; eventually, he'd snap and talk about it. That's how they handled things. Adam would sit down and sulk in a way that Diana could've out-matured, no matter how adult their arguments were, and Lawrence would drag him onto the couch and have a goddamn Dr. Phil-conversation if they were arguing about who was going to get the last Fruit Loops. He wouldn't be able to keep this up for long.
Adam tried to exhale theatrically but realized quickly that it wasn't really possible with a clogged-up nose. It came out as a really weird, slurping noise. A really annoying noise. Hmm…
It didn't take long. Adam only had to do all his breathing through his nose for about five minutes before Lawrence snapped.
"For God's sake, Adam, you sound like a mentally challenged rhino! Would you just use the goddamn nasal spray?"
Adam just grinned lovingly.
"If you take the cough drops. You sound like a mentally challenged seal."
Lawrence tried to look mad. It didn't work very well. After just a second, he threw his head back and laughed, which Adam saw as progress, even though the laugh turned into a coughing fit before long.
"I'm sorry I made you sick, man," he said when Lawrence's cough had calmed down.
Lawrence gave him a semi-annoyed look.
"That's okay," he said and waved his hand. "I needed a day home. And spending it with you… Was pretty nice."
Adam smiled, and Lawrence smiled back at him.
"I wonder what it'd be like for a rhino and a seal to have coughing, phlelgmy makeup-sex," he then said thoughtfully.
"That would be pretty gross, and physically impossible. If you and I did it, though…"
Adam grinned and stood up on his knees to put both his hands around Lawrence's face, leaning in for a kiss, but Lawrence pulled back.
"You realize that if we're going to do this, we're going to have to breathe through our noses."
Adam whined something in the back of his throat.
"Fine, I'll use the damn nasal spray. But then you have to take your cough drops. I don't want you to lose focus in the middle of it because of your seal-voice."
Lawrence cringed and went to get the bottle he kept in the fridge. Adam couldn't blame him, he knew that stuff tasted absolutely disgusting. But when Lawrence came back into the living room, Adam could breathe through his nose for the next ten minutes before it got clogged up again, and it probably wouldn't take longer than that, anyway, so he that was the last thing on his mind as Lawrence sat back down on the couch, put both hands on Adam's hips and allowed his tongue to replace the bitter taste of medicine with the one of tobacco and saliva.
Afterwards, Lawrence made them tea with honey and Adam wrapped the blanket around them again. As usual, they barely remembered what they'd fought about in the first place.
"I told you we could do it," Adam said and grimaced when he drank his tea. He was really a coffee person.
"I never disagreed," Lawrence said and wrapped an arm around him. "You're such a horny little bastard, you could have sex with arms and legs missing."
"Yeah, but I wouldn't get you to do it, like, ten seconds after we'd made up after a fight," Adam grinned and reached after his cigarettes. "It must be the doctor instincts. We should be sick together more often."
"If you say so. Assuming that you get that not all doctors sleep with their patients, especially not the ones that compare them to a seal."
"So it's just you who's a pervert?"
"Maybe. But I'm not the one who sees some weird sexual connection between myself and a Disney character, Woody."
"If you say so, Lawrence. But we'll see what happens the day I come home in tight pants and a cowboy hat."
They're still pretty slow, aren't they? They're BOTH perverts, damn it! XD Anyway, I hope you liked it!