Disclaimer: I fortunately do not in any way, shape or form own Twilight (although the money would be good but not worth it), unfortunately I do not own Alucard or Hellsing (wish I did, that's real vampire) nor do I own Full Metal Alchemist or the any of its AWESOME characters. What I own is a keyboard and access to the internet, which allows me to bring you my very first fanfic; given that please be kind and I hope you enjoy it. I do apologize if they seem out of character; I did my best to be as accurate as I could. P.S there will be mocking of Edward Cullen and Twilight so if you are a fan you have been warned.
Authors note: I would like to thank Nacina for being the beta reader for this, it is now a lot better than it was before, thanks Nacina :D
"What a beautiful night," a deep voice observed, his tone soft as he trailed through the forest. He could barely be seen, but in the glimmer of the moonlight you would see the sweep of his red coat, hat and the flash piercing red eyes through his oddly colored glasses. If anyone had seen him passing through, they never would have guessed that Alucard was much older than he appeared. As Alucard ambled through the forest, his head titled as he watched the luminous full moon, he noticed that the woods surrounding him were oddly quiet.
"It has been far too long since I have seen a night quite like this," Alucard noted to himself as he walked on, not only admiring the beauty of the night, but taking pleasure in the silence encompassing his own little world.
Meanwhile not so far away, a short-
"HEY, who are you calling short? I'll cut off your legs and use them as my stilts, is that what you want?"
The disrespectful and rude littlemidget was suddenly lifted high into the air.
"No, Brother! Please, don't threaten the writer, she is in control; she can do the bad things to you!"
"Humph fine, just let me go, I can't breathe".
As I was saying—a short boy of 16 and his younger brother were making their way through the same forest, one sporting a red coat with blonde hair and golden eyes, while the younger appeared as a giant suit of armor. They stuck out like sore thumbs, but luckily the dense woods were deserted that night. As the siblings continued on, all you could hear was the loud footsteps of the younger brother, and then suddenly, a meow was heard. The two cricked their necks and looked up in the direction of the noise. There sat a young kitten on a high branch, meowing and looking frightened. Edward's eyes widened in panic.
"Oh no, you don't, Alphonse!" Edward cried as his younger brother ran towards the kitten at a rapid speed. In fright, due to having a large suit of armor was running towards it, the kitten jumped down and ran into the forest. It happened so fast that all Edward could hear was his younger brother Alphonse yelling, "No, come back, kitty, I won't hurt you!"
Edward audibly groaned and chased after his younger brother, all the while grumbling under his breath about transmuting him into a teacup.
Alucard had stopped at a clearing. He was just standing in its centre, his jacket was off and his guns were glimmering in the moonlight, as he contemplated many things, like which was better: Playstation or Xbox then deciding on the Playstation. Alucard was enjoying the silence but not for long.
Out of nowhere, a young kitten had sprinted into the clearing and stopped right in front of him. Alucard looked down and stared at the kitten. Not bothered, the kitten looked up and stared back at him. Their eyes were silently locked onto one another, when the next thing they knew, a giant suit of armor rolled in and grabbed the kitten. Alucard was shocked, he has seen many things in his many years on earth but never had he seen something like this. While Alucard attempted to figure out what just happened, Alphonse was sitting cross-legged several feet away, petting the kitten, enjoying its softness and cuteness. As Alucard stared at the pair, a look of amusement gracing his pale face, a blonde boy ran into him, startling them both. Alucard slowly turned to face the blonde boy who was now sprawled on the floor.
"HEY, why don't you watch where you're going? Who are you anyway?"
Instead of being angered by this boy's rudeness Alucard smirked revealing his sharp fangs and making his face look demonic.
"My name is Alucard, and since I have answered your question, why don't you answer one of mine-".
Edward leaned forward in curiosity of what this tall, thin pale man could want. Also while waiting for this question Edward wondered 'why was this guy so damn tall?'
"What, in your opinion is a better gaming system, the Xbox or the Playstation?"
Alucard questioned the young blonde, and then he stepped back and watched in interest as young Edward Elric pondered over a question that many ask
"Definitely the Xbox, there is no competition; a person with any sense would know that Xbox rules over Playstation."
Alucard smirked at this boy's foolishness and started to chuckle, and before anyone knew Alucard was laughing harder than he had in a long time. When he finally calmed down he looked at Edward and said simply,
"Well you believe you know what console is superior, how cute. What other answer could possibly I expect from a little munchkin?"
Edward froze in anger; he had been called small, tiny, and little but never had he been called a munchkin.
"WHAT? Just because you are so freakishly tall-"
Yet again not so far away, jumping through the trees, as "that's what real vampires do" *rolls eyes*, there was another young-yet-older male traveling through the forest. In the night he appeared as any other hermit would- pale as a ghost and his hair a complete mess. During the day however he appeared as if he rolled in glue than jumped in glitter and dressed like Carson Kressley. His name was Edward Cullen, and he had suddenly stopped.
He had found what he was looking for, a lone mountain lion to quench his thirst. After feeding Edward looked down in a nearby puddle and there was only one thing he could see.
"Man my hair is so perfect today! In fact I look so beautiful, just look at my-"
"Ok, ok we get it you are beautiful with perfect hair but that's not what I meant!" Lykania snapped, interrupting her elegant narration to swat at the pasty vampire with a hairbrush. Hissing, Edward backed away, only to spot another puddle and become entranced with his reflection once more.
"I'm a killer, why oh why was I cursed to live this life?" Edward fell to his knees in a dramatic pose, with his hands reaching to the sky to make it all the more theatrical.
While wallowing in his own self pity the apparently beautiful Edward Cullen heard yelling not far from where he was. His immediate thought was of his idiotic girlfriend Bella-
"HEY, Bella is not an idiot; she likes Shakespeare and Jane Austen."
Edward snapped as he attempted to defend his girlfriend's intelligence, unfortunately for Edward at that precise moment his ever so intelligent Bella was busy mistaking Jacob Black for 'her' Edward.
Anyway, Edward rushed to the scene where he pictured Bella being tortured by the Volturi or heaven forbid, being lured with shiny objects into one of Jacob's cardboard box traps. Why did she fall for them?
Edward must have been getting closer, as the yelling was getting louder. In his panicked mind he could only think 'I'm coming Bella, don't worry'. Suddenly Edward burst into the clearing shouting.
"Get away from her!"
Edward Elric looked towards the dumbass that interrupted him while he was 'talking' to Alucard. While Alucard appeared unamused by the interruption. Edward Cullen looked yet Bella was no where to be seen, all he saw was a short blonde, and tall black haired man and a suit of armor patting a kitten.
"I apologize for jumping in, but why on earth where you shouting?" Edward stated, trying to be polite and to satisfy his own curiosity. Edward Elric (who will now be called Ed to avoid confusion) pointed to Alucard and said-
"This idiot expects me to believe that Playstation is the best console of all time, obviously it's the Xbox".
"Actually… you are both wrong."
The pair stared at Edward, confusion clear on their faces.
"The best gaming console of all time actually is the Nintendo GameCube."
Ed and Alucard slowly turned towards each other, both in shock at the simple statement that Edward had made. A small smile appeared on their faces, their expressions mirroring one another's. Soon both of them burst out laughing. This time it was Edward's turn to stare in confusion.
"Bahahahaha! Are you serious? The GameCube, that's what you think is the best console all time?" Ed snorted, while attempting to contain his laughter. Alucard, on the other hand, was slowly calming himself down and when he gained enough composure he addressed Edward.
"I would agree that Nintendo have made excellent consoles, but the GameCube was their biggest downfall. Its user and profit margins were exceedingly low for the projected market."
Edward simply stood there, trying to prevent his tears from escaping. Alucard had been too harsh toward his beloved Nintendo GameCube. Since Alucard and Ed were too busy laughing and Edward was being all depressed none of them noticed the sun slowly rising. Alucard first noticed that the sun had risen due to the glare off young Alphonse, at first he brushed it off cause despite being a vampire he is unaffected. That is until he turned and noticed young Edward; his skin was still as pale as ever—yet, it was sparkling. Ed noticed that Alucard was staring at Edward and then found out why.
"What the hell are you?" Ed screamed, repulsed. Meanwhile, Alucard was just staring at Edward quizzically.
"Why, I am a vampire! Are you not scared? I could kill you any minute." Edward snapped, his eyes growing dark as he glowered and began to angst.
C'mon, didn't everyone know that vampires sparkled?
In the silence caused by Edward's unveiling of his identity, a chuckle was heard. Everyone besides the silent Alphonse looked in Alucard's direction. Soon Alucard was laughing louder and harder than he ever had before, and his laugh started to sound more and more maniacal.
"You are not a vampire, you make vampires look like pansies, your skin sparkles in the sun, the only men who sparkle are gay, you are weak, pathetic, you are-"
"—A GODDAMN, GLITTERING, FAIRY!"
Ed interrupted Alucard; Alucard then just smirked and nodded his head in agreement. Pain spread across Edward's face, as if Alucard had cut deep into his dead heart. Soon a tear started to fall, which was followed by another, then another and soon enough Edward had fallen onto his knees sobbing into his hands. Alucard just kept smirking at the young pathetic 'vampire'. Since Edward is probably bipolar he was suddenly angered by the cruel names he was called and charged towards Alucard. Alucard calmly and coolly jumped out of the way, and then Edward was hit with a giant fist that Ed had transmuted from the ground. Edward wanting to prove himself the stronger vampire got up and charged towards Alucard yet again. Of course he missed but he couldn't stop himself and ended up falling onto the young kitten Alphonse was patting all this time. Alphonse heard the young kitten meow from under Edward and jumped to its aid. Grabbing Edward from the collar of his designer jacket Alphonse threw him high into the air. He than picked up the young kitten and inspected it for any damage, luckily the kitten was unscathed. Alphonse spun around in circles holding the kitten in his outstretched arms to celebrate. While doing so, Edward, who was falling face first to the ground was suddenly hit by Alphonse's large arms and was smacked sideways into many trees breaking them in the process.
"OH NO, I'm terribly sorry, I didn't mean to hurt you!"Alphonse cried when he realized what had happened. Edward was knocked unconscious so he couldn't hear a thing.
"Holy crap Alphonse! You really did a number on this guy," Ed announced when he saw how badly beaten Edward was. Gingerly Edward poked Edward's body with the tip of his boot, before delivering a swift blow to his head. Alucard simply smirked, clearly enjoying how badly injured Edward was.
"You know what? I'm bored and starved; wanna go to the diner nearby?" Ed asked Alucard and Alphonse, only thinking of and caring about his stomach at that point.
"Very well, but there will be nothing on the menu for my kind of diet."
Alucard and Ed started to walk towards the diner then Ed noticed Alphonse lagging behind.
"HEY AL, you coming or what?"
"Yes brother, I'm coming"
Alphonse grabbed the kitten and quickly chased after Ed and Alucard and with that the trio left Edward lying on the floor of the forest unconscious and no longer beautiful.