Here it is! The short prequel to how Sawyer came to be! It's totally not what it appears either; I'm much too shy to write anything over a T rating. ;) If you have not read An Illegitimate Daughter then this will spoil pretty much one of the MAJOR plots of that story and I suggest you read it first. If you'd like to continue anyway it could work as a standalone I suppose if you like the pairing. Either way, enjoy!
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You are my sweetest downfall
I loved you first, I loved you first
Beneath the sheets of paper lies my truth
I have to go, I have to go
"My Sweetest Downfall"
Severus had not chosen to become a Death Eater because it had been a childhood goal and not because he wanted to be a monster and be feared merely at the mention of his name. No, those weren't the reason, he imagined his reason was justified, he imagined he had the right to be a Death Eater and as such was acquitted before-hand of all his crimes. His reason for joining the Death Eaters was a need to escape, to escape his pain, his misery, his losses, the Death Eaters were his chance to get away from ever having to feel emotion again. At first the high he got from being so powerful, from being able to instill such fear and misery on others was the best feeling of his life. However as everything that goes up must go down, his high wore off and the cloud of fog that surrounded everything he did fell and he realized he had become what he had never intended to become, a monster. It was then he began to question his choice, he questioned his loyalties and the full emotion of regret he had set out to diminish came back at him with full force.
He wasn't expecting anything to happen that would push him toward the good side again, he figured he would remain in shades of gray, never being evil nor good. That was until she arrived on his doorstep, the last person he ever expected to see again but always wished he could glimpse once more. He remembered the night; it was storming badly, the sound of thunder rumbling through the sky like the sound of cannon fire. The rain pelting the roof of his home making a pattern of rhythm echo through the room. Amongst the many sounds issuing from the storm, he managed to make out the sound of a fist on wood as he heard a gentle knock on his door. He stood up and walked to the door opening it a crack, just a glance at the flash of red hair belonging to the woman on the other side and the door swung wide open.
"Lily," Severus said, he couldn't believe it was her on the other side of his door. She looked up at him with tear streaked cheeks and glassy red eyes but the brilliant emerald green iris' were all Severus seemed to see.
"Sev," Lily said, managing a small smile.
"Why are you here?"
"I don't know, I just...I wanted to see you."
"Why are you crying?"
"I had a fight with...James."
"Over you, Severus."
Severus stood shocked not knowing what to do or say, he figured Lily hadn't given a single thought to him after their falling out about him calling her a mudblood.
"What was it concerning?" he asked.
"I was defending you, Sev, as I always am, no one believes you have good inside you but I know you do, I've seen it!" Lily said as another tear slid down her face. Severus took her hand and guided her into the front room, he sat her down on the couch then handed her a tissue before taking the seat across from her on a chair.
"How do you know I'm worth defending anymore, Lil?" Severus asked, keeping his tone neutral even though the fact that Lily still cared for him had struck a cord inside him.
"Men don't change, Severus, they're born one way and they remain that way throughout their lives. They may age, mature, grow knowledgeable but they remain the same inside despite the choices and mistakes they make," Lily said, wiping her eyes with the tissue and sitting up straight on the couch.
"How do you defend the choices I've made?"
"I don't defend them, I recount the choices for good you've made, there's no defending the guilty there's only standing up for the accused."
Severus smiled and inclined his head approvingly.
"You make a good argument," he stated and Lily smiled.
"Tell that to the jury," she said, frowning once again.
"Why have you come, Lily, aren't you still angry at me, you swore you would be for the rest of your life."
"I was never angry at you, Severus, merely disappointed."
"Which is worse."
Lily sighed and stood up before she began to pace in front of the couch.
"I couldn't leave where we had left off any longer, I couldn't sit back and have my last words to you be 'I never want to speak to you again,' how could I allow that to be the last words I said to my best friend?"
"I was at fault, Lily, we both know that."
"You were imbedded to believe those pure-blood lies, Severus, I should have been more understanding because I knew that house was going to turn you biased against anyone but your own kind!"
Lily was fuming now; apparently angry at herself Severus stood up and walked over to her resting his hands on her shoulders to stop her pacing.
"If I were anything like you, Lily, I would never have let that temptation take over, I would have never felt the need to gain the Slytherins acceptance," Severus said gently.
"If I were anything like you, Severus, I would have been strong enough to come to you earlier with this apology," Lily said, slipping her hands onto Severus' forearms as he did the same.
"The fact you forgive me at all, is more than enough to make up for the delay," he said.
"Do you think you can forgive me?" Lily asked, looking up into Severus' eyes.
"I never put you at fault."
"You should have."
Before Severus could argue Lily had wrapped her arms around his neck and kissed him, he never expected it nor had he ever thought it would happen. Not even in dreams had he allowed himself the luxury of picturing a kiss with Lily Evans, it was then he knew he really had loved her. From the moment he saw her in the park up till the moment she stood sopping wet on his doorstep. It was then he finally allowed himself the luxury of kissing her back.
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That following morning as Severus stood with Lily getting ready to wish her goodbye from his doorstep, he knew he would finally be able to let her go. He knew he'd love her forever but her heart belonged to James, the only reason she had sought him out was for forgiveness and closure. Though he knew she had gone farther than she intended to and he had allowed it due to his own selfish need to remember her as something more than a friend.
"Lily, I should never have let you-" Severus began, but Lily cut him off by placing her finger on his lips.
"I make my own decisions, Severus, you didn't influence me in any way, I came here of my own accord and made choices of my own accord," Lily said, wrapping her cloak around her.
"I know you really love him, Lily."
"I love you both, you were my first love he is my last, I see that now."
"Will you tell him about the events of last night?"
"Yes, I don't keep things from him as I never kept things from you."
"Will you forgive me for one last thing?"
"Will you forgive me for loving you?"
"I already have."
Lily smiled and stood up on tip-toes to kiss Severus on the cheek, she then pulled her hood over her head and with a final wink she vanished before Severus' eyes with a crack. Leaving Severus staring out his empty doorway as he watched the sun break through the clouds, showering the world in its glowing light. It made everything clearer, mirroring the mood in which Severus found himself even though the love of his life had departed, for that brief moment he felt like the boy he used to be again. Despite the anger he had gained over the years, seeing Lily once again had cause all that anger to fade and once again he was Sev the innocent boy who had always loved Lily Evans from afar, the boy who turned into a man.