Lonely and Gone.
Summery: Dean helps Castiel understand. (Character Death.)
Dean's been staying with Bobby since it happened. The older hunter didn't mind, he knew that Dean had been hurting, because he was hurt too. He knew that his pain couldn't compare to Deans. Both boys were like son's to him, the closest thing he ever had to sons, to a family.
It took months before Bobby could even get Dean hunting again, though the boy never stopped looking for ways to bring his brother back. Even Castiel tried, but, there was nothing he could do. No demon was willing to make a deal, no witches or spells. This time Sam was really dead, Sam was in his Heaven.
It took Dean months before he finally realized that his little brother was gone and that this time he wasn't going to be brought back. Dean couldn't save Sam this time, he was really gone.
Dean knew he had Bobby, he was living with the older man. Bobby took him in even though he drank way too much and was an ass most of the time to him. Bobby never took any of it to heart, and for that Dean was thankful.
Dean also knew he still had his angel, although Castiel was usually on the other end of his shouts, but the angel never fought him. Castiel tried to comfort Dean but that emotion was still unnatural to him. So, he'd stay quiet and let Dean shout until he would storm off with tears of guilt and anger running down his cheeks.
Dean couldn't help but feel alone. His mother, his dad, Jo, Ellen, Adam, Sam, it was just a matter of time before he lost Bobby and Castiel too. He's cursed to lose everyone he loves, he thought to himself. So, Dean decides to just let go.
Bobby couldn't watch the oldest Winchester fall apart anymore, and neither could Castiel. Castiel was sick of the yelling, sick of Dean's drunken state. Bobby remembered Dean saying something about not pissing off the nerdy angels, he had to agree.
Castiel locked Dean in the panic room for days. He'd try to get Dean the listen and understand but Dean would push him away. Dean tried to swing at Castiel, but his drunken state left him fumbling and falling to the floor.
"Do you think Sam would be prod of you like this?" Castiel had said quietly but the anger was evident in his voice. "You're letting him down," Dean looked at Castiel sadly. Castiel kept his eyes to the wall, not looking at Dean. "You've always been so strong. Don't give up Dean, not yet." Castiel said, then was gone.
Dean hated and regretted the way he acted. Castiel was right, Sam would be pissed at him for all of this. Pushing away the only ones he had left. He knew he had to make it up to Bobby and Castiel. He started hunting again, it kept his mind off of Sam and concentrated on what the job ahead of him was.
Bobby believes that Dean's come along way. He hasn't drank until he couldn't stand in four months. He even heard the young man laugh just a few times. Bobby was prod of Dean. It wasn't like Dean to let things go bad, to just give up and for a while Bobby was getting worried that Dean's reckless behavior was going to have him burring two boys.
But today there was no way around Sam. It had been a year, twelve months, three hundred and sixty-five days, five hundred, twenty-five thousand and six hundred minutes without Sam.
"You okay, son?" Bobby asked as Dean walked into the kitchen. He was fully aware of what today was and he watched Dean carefully almost expecting the young man to break in front of him.
"Yeah," Dean answered with a nod. "I'm fine." Bobby stared at him, his eyes filled with concern. "Really, Bobby." He said. Bobby turned away and grabbed a plate placeing it in front of Dean as he sat. Bobby had made breakfast for Dean.
Dean thanked Bobby then he ate in silence. When he was done he walked over to the sink and washed off the plate and put his plate in the dish rack.
"Have you heard from Cas?" Dean asked. Bobby looked at Dean and shook his head.
"Sorry," He answered. "You still haven't heard from him?" Dean shook his head. He hasn't seen Castiel since the night in the panic room. He wanted to apologize to Castiel. He also wanted to thank him, for everything Castiel's done for him, he didn't deserve to be treated the way Dean treated him.
"I think I'm going to go out for a little bit." Dean stated. Bobby nodded as Dean threw his coat over his shoulders and grabbed his keys. He had a good idea where Dean was heading.
"Tell him, I miss him." Bobby called out before Dean closed the door. He heard the cars engine come to life and watched it leave through the kitchen window. He wasn't sure what to expect when Dean came back, but, he would be there if the young man needed him.
The drive was short, even with a quick stop at the store. Dean put the car in park and sat for a while. He hated this place but at the same time, it felt strangely comfortable to him. Sam and him spent so many long nights in graveyards, digging and using salt to burn bones. He never expected to be here for his brother.
Dean climbed up the hill. He hoped he wouldn't get accustom to it, but, he knew that he'd probably be back. He stopped in front of the stone with his little brother's name on it. He stood frozen for a minute, but as he took a deep breath he relaxed.
He crouched down and pushed some of the fallen leaves away from stone and placed the flowers that he'd gotten on the grass. He sighed and rested his elbows on his knees.
"Oh, Sammy," Dean said quietly. "I can't believe I'm doing this." Dean said this time to himself. He sat down to get more comfortable, he ran his hands over his face and looked at the stone. "Bobby misses you, he wanted me to tell you," Dean started. "I don't know what to do without you Sam. I've never had to live in a world where I couldn't bring you back. I tried everything, but I couldn't do it." Dean said sadly. He could feel tears forming but he blinked them away.
"I was a mess," Dean said with a laugh, that quickly faded. "I don't do chick flick moments, but, I'm pretty damn good at being as ass." Dean said regretfully. "I don't even remember half the things that I did, but, that's no excuse. Everyone I get close to dies or I push them away." Dean said sadly thinking of Castiel.
"I'm not good at this, you were the one who always helped me. You were good with words, not me." Dean said shaking his head. "You kept me out of trouble, you told me when I was being a dick! You hunted with me, man." He said wiping the tear that fell. "I don't know if I can do this without you Sammy." He said again. "But I have to I guess." He said this time to himself. He sat there in silence. He pulled his legs in close to his chest and wrapped his arms around his legs, resting his head on his knees.
The wind blew, but, it didn't seem to bother Dean much. He knew he should probably leave but he just kept telling himself a few more minutes. He stared at the headstone, just reading his brothers name over and over again, wishing it to change.
"This is one human custom, I just don't understand," Dean looked up at the familiar voice. He looked over his shoulder to see Castiel standing just a few feet away from him. He wondered how long he'd been standing there. "I've seen many humans come to cemeteries. Talking to a stone, that underneath holds a lifeless corpse in a box. You can't see them or hear them and they can't talk back, but, still humans insist on talking to it."
"It's a way of remembrance, Cas." Dean answered with a smiles at the baffled angel. Castiel just shook his head.
"Or a way to just keep them suffering," Castiel stated. "You only feel pain here. Why would someone want to come back to torturer themselves?" Castiel asked, obviously picking up what Dean was feeling.
"That's what pictures and videos are for." Dean answered with a smirk sarcastically. Dean could help but chuckle at how innocently confused Castiel looked. "I never thought I'd be able to confuse an all knowing angel."
"I'm not confused," Castiel protested pressing his lips together. "I'm just..." Castiel said taking a deep breath, looking from Dean to the stone. "Trying to understand." Castiel corrected. Dean stood up, brushing dirt off his pants. He turned around, crossing his arms over his chest as he looked at Castiel.
"It's a way of remembrance," Dean said again. "I guess I just want Sam to know I'm never going to forget him." He said sadly, looking back down at the stone.
"Trust me, Dean," Castiel replied softly. "Sam knows." Castiel answered. Dean nodded. He turned away from Castiel and looked at the headstone. Castiel took a few steps and stood beside him looking at the headstone too.
"I miss you, Sammy." Dean said almost in a whisper. As he started walking to his car he heard Castiel.
"I miss you too." Castiel said sadly. Dean smiled to himself sadly. He knew Castiel still didn't understand but it made Dean feel comforted, in a way. When he looked over Castiel was already gone.