Author's Note: Warning up ahead for depictions of sexual abuse. Nothing too graphic, but might be triggering, so be forewarned.
The first thing Harry notices is that it is not like being in a normal pensieve. Instead of being a bystander, he feels himself seeping into every piece of the memory. He's everywhere and nowhere, and in some ways this is both easier and harder than he imagined. Snape is gone, or Snape is here, or Snape is everywhere but he isn't watching Harry with those eyes, or touching him, so it's almost like Snape doesn't matter at all. This isn't about Snape now. It's about remembering. There's no escape from it, not anymore, so he closes his eyes and lets it come.
he is in detention in the defense office and it is so hot. lockhart's got a fire going but it's only the first week in september and he's sweating through his robes but he doesn't want to take them off so they stay on even though lockhart tells him it's all right to take them off if he wants
they are in the defense classroom and lockhart is making them act out parts from his book. he keeps making Harry fall to his knees in front of him, a zombie tamed by a magic amulet, but every time he falls it's not good enough, not right, so he keeps getting up and falling and getting up and falling and getting up and falling until finally he's done it right and he gets a ''well done harry!' and a squeeze around his shoulders as he makes his way back to his seat
he is in detention in the defense office he is addressing fan mail and lockhart isn't doing anything, just watching him, and harry doesn't know what to do so he just keeps working and working until the night is over
he is in the great hall with ron and hermione she just got her pass to the restricted section and she keeps tracing lockhart's signature when she thinks he and ron aren't looking and he wants to tell her to stop but lavendar and parvati already called him jealous earlier and he isn't jealous of lockhart, the man's just weird, so he keeps his mouth shut and watches her trace the letters over and over again
he is in detention in the defense office and his hand hurts because he has been addressing so many envelopes but he keeps addressing them hoping he will reach the end of the pile and lockhart would let him go and he could go find ron or hermione like normal. but when he reached the bottom of the pile lockhart does something new and gives him an enormous stack of photographs to sort. it is mindless work, but at least it doesn't make his hand hurt like the other fan mail things. he is sorting, quidditch photos lockhart with a book lockhart with wand, the piles grow higher and he stops paying attention except to find broom, book, or wand, broom book wand broom book wand
they are in the corridor and it is valentine's day and a dwarf is chasing him down and people are laughing but these are lockhart's dwarves and harry doesn't know what message they might carry because no one can see lockhart like harry can
broom book wand broom book wand broom book
they are in the great hall and they are dueling. snape and lockhart, and lockhart goes flying, and harry smiles incredibly wide and almost claps before he remembers ron and hermione are right next to him and would wonder why he was clapping for snape. he's feeling better than he has for a while until snape calls him and malfoy up to volunteer
wand broom book wand broom book
"now, harry, when draco points his wand at you -"
harry is trying to breathe normally but it's much harder than it should be. lockhart drops his wand "whoops, my wand is a little overexcited - " and suddenly he is pressing up against harry, pretending to show him what to do, and no one seems to notice, not snape or ron or hermione and he isn't sure if he's glad no one can see or if he wishes someone would notice already
"scared," malfoy hisses at him, and malfoy is so small and weak and unthreatening compared to the terror of lockhart pressing up behind him that harry whispers back "you wish."
wand broom book wand broom book wand
then all of a sudden there is a new picture in the pile and it doesn't fit any of the other categories. it is lockhart, and he has something in his hand but it's not a wand, it's his thing, and he's naked and he's touching...harry stares and feels his face grow hot and feels sick and embarrassed and is watching photo lockhart as he winks and touches himself
lockhart was touching him and no one was stopping him, he was stroking his arm as he pulled out his wand, to fix the bones, to mend the damage, and he wasn't surprised when lockhart took the bones out of his arm instead because lockhart doesn't fix things, he makes them broken, takes the insides out, makes everything wrong
pushing up against him in class in the corridors in the great hall and no one sees no one knows not even hermione or snape who sees everything or dumbledore
dumbledore looks at him "is there anything you want to tell me, harry?" no. he didn't want dumbledore to know. he didn't want anyone to know...
he doesn't know what to do with that photo - start a pile? pretend he never saw it? tell lockhart? - and maybe he is too still for too long looking at it because lockhart notices and looks over and says "is there a problem?" and harry flushes even more and can't speak. lockhart looks and sees the picture and says "oh, my. is that all?" harry tries to nod but his throat is too tight and lockhart laughs and says "harry, harry, it's all right. it's perfectly natural, here, let me show you" and the photo keeps moving
they are in the defense classroom and lockhart makes him stay after class because he's distracting the other students, because he makes them look at him, and harry doesn't understand why that's such a bad thing because lockhart's been making him pretend to be a werewolf all class but lockhart's voice changes to a pur when the room is empty "you mustn't let it happen, you understand? harry, harry, harry" and the sound of his name pulses in his ears and his hands get slick with sweat. "fame is a powerful mistress, but you're too young, you aren't ready maybe you're not too young let me see..."
"let me show you," lockhart said but what he really wants to do is see, he's taking off harry's robe and trousers and pants and he's touching
he's always touching harry his shoulder his hand correcting his grip on his wand leaning up against his back pushing so harry can feel him ruffling his hair gripping the back of his neck stroking his arm on the quidditch pitch in front of everyone
he can hear colins camera flash and I DON'T WANT PICTURES OF THIS COLIN because lockhart has pictures in the secret drawer in his desk, of lockhart grinning and smiling and naked, of lockhart with other boys, of lockhart with harry, and harry doesn't want lockhart to have any more pictures with him.
beautiful you're so beautiful tell me tell me how beautiful i am
they are in the defense classroom and class is almost over. lockhart made harry be the troll and fall down in a swoon. he'd done too good a job, and seamus and ron and dean burst out into gales of laughter. even hermione was smiling even though they'd disturbed the class. but lockhart isn't happy and gives harry detention right then and the whole class is dismissed five minutes early and suddenly it doesn't seem worth it. lockhart grabs the back of his neck and drags him up to the defense office and suddenly he's yanks harry's shirt off and his glasses get tangled and his robe is gone and his trousers and pants and lockhart starts to spank him, over his knee, and it doesn't hurt at first but it's strange and uncomfortable because he's naked he's too big for this and lockhart is furious
"you whore, you tease, you just can't help yourself, you can't stop, they're not meant to look at you like that, no one is, no one but me you little whore"
it's starting to hurt as he hits harder and harder but then suddenly he's not hitting anymore and stands up and harry is thrown to the floor but before he can get up (to run he tells himself to get away to get help but he never makes it up so he doesn't know for sure) lockhart is on top of him and pushing in to him and
"say it yes say it say it oh god oh harry harry harry"
...HARRY HARRY HARRY HARRY HARRY HARRY HARRY...
And with that, the pensieve world shatters around them, expelling them back into the world of Snape's office. The real world, Harry tries to think, but the feeling in his stomach won't go away and there are tears pricking at his eyes even though he doesn't cry. He is shaking, he can feel, and his head is splitting and he sore and almost electrified, lightning all over his skin, awake. They're both real. It wasn't a dream, or a nightmare, or a vision from Voldemort. They're both real.
He looks over at Snape, who seems a little peaky, paler than normal, sprawled out on the floor like Harry, and Harry wants to shout at him or hit him or run away from him but he's so tired. He opens his mouth, wanting to say something like 'Hope you're satisfied' or 'Are you happy, now?', but something entirely different comes out.
"I remember," Harry says.
This time, to his surprise, it is Snape that's sicking up.