A/N: So, as many of you have likely noticed, there's been a sudden wave of Facebook fics popping up in the Glee archives. And I thought I'd give it a whirl :)
Finn Hudson just saw Harry Potter 7 and it was AWEEESOOOMMEE.
— (Kurt Hummel, Artie Abrams, and 7 others like this.)
—Finn Hudson: Who's up for seeing it twice?
—Kurt Hummel: As long as you and Rachel are not making out during the movie, I'd be more than willing.
—Artie Abrams: Seconded.
—Rachel Berry: I resent that, Kurt.
—Artie Abrams: …What was there to resent?
—Rachel Berry: The fact that Kurt thinks that I'd turn my head away from the screen for even a millisecond during a showing of Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows.
—Artie Abrams: Hold up. You're an HP fan?
—Mercedes Jones: Hold up. You value Harry Potter more than tonsil-hockey with Frankenteen?
—Rachel Berry: As shocking as it might be, I am as ardent a Harry Potter fan as most of you. And Finn and I have plenty of chances to be intimate with each other away from the public eye. Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows IN THEATERS only comes around once. Therefore, more valuable.
— (Finn Hudson likes this.)
—Kurt Hummel: Finn, YOU value Harry Potter more than tonsil-hockey with Rachel?
—Finn Hudson: Rachel's right, dude. Once in a lifetime opportunity.
—Kurt Hummel: And this coming from the man who prayed to Grilled Cheesus to touch Rachel's boobs.
— (Noah Puckerman likes this.)
—Rachel Berry: FINN!
—Finn Hudson: DUDE. That is NOT cool. And how did you even find out about that?
—Kurt Hummel: You weren't exactly discreet during your Jesus phase.
—Finn Hudson: *headdesk*
—Finn Hudson: Ow.
Rachel Berry has just realized the shocking parallels between herself and Hermione Granger.
— (Finn Hudson, Kurt Hummel, and 9 others like this.)
—Finn Hudson: Then that totally makes me Ron!
— (Rachel Berry likes this.)
—Kurt Hummel: Those characters DO rather fit well.
—Finn Hudson: And Artie is Harry!
— (Brittany Pierce likes this.)
—Artie Abrams: Wait, why am I Harry?
—Finn Hudson: 'Cause you're the Boy Who Lived. And you like actually wear glasses.
—Artie Abrams: Did you just say that I'm Harry Potter because I have bad eyesight and I've had a near-death experience?
—Noah Puckerman: Dude, are you seriously arguing with that? You just got compared to Harry Freakin' Potter.
—Artie Abrams: Point taken. *shuts up*
—Finn Hudson: I win :D
—Tina Cohen-Chang: Oh my god, and Kurt is Colin Creevey!
— (Finn Hudson, Artie Abrams, and 10 others like this.)
—Mercedes Jones: Aaaww! That's so cute!
—Kurt Hummel: NO. DON'T START.
Finn Hudson If I'm Ron and Rachel's Hermione and Artie's Harry…who's Malfoy?
—Noah Puckerman: Quinn. Definitely Quinn.
— (Mercedes Jones, Artie Abrams, and 10 others like this.)
—Quinn Fabray: So not okay with this.
—Kurt Hummel: WHY is this still going on?
—Santana Lopez: If Quinn being Malfoy makes Britt and me Crabbe and Goyle, then I'm not okay with it either.
—Artie Abrams: No way – Azimio and Karofsky are Crabbe and Goyle.
—Quinn Fabray: I don't hang out with them!
—Artie Abrams: *ignores*
—Quinn Fabray: Artie... *rolls up sleeves*
—Artie Abrams: *is scared*
—Quinn Fabray: And anyway, I'M NOT A GUY. Why couldn't SAM be Malfoy? He's blond!
—Mercedes Jones: Yeah, but he's got the whole righteous thing going for him, so he's probably Cedric Diggory.
—Sam Evans: I'm not sure I'm okay with being the dude who dies.
—Noah Puckerman: I'm totally Voldemort.
—Mercedes Jones: I am WAY scarier than you, Mohawk.
— (Kurt Hummel, Artie Abrams, and 10 others like this.)
—Rachel Berry: I believe that the Weasley twins are a better fit for you, Noah.
—Noah Puckerman: I'm not a ginger! And I wanna be a bad guy.
—Artie Abrams: Why do you want to be a bad guy? All the bad guys dress funny.
—Noah Puckerman: So? They're badass, I'm badass…
—Rachel Berry: I'm offended that you don't think Fred and George are worthy of the term 'badass'!
— (Finn Hudson, Artie Abrams, and 9 others like this.)
—Kurt Hummel: I never thought I'd say this, but I have to agree with Rachel.
—Mercedes Jones: If Puck's so bent on being a bad guy, then he can be Lucius Malfoy. They've both got the funky-hairdo thing going for them.
—Kurt Hummel: I just pictured Puck with long blond hair and threw up a little.
—Noah Puckerman: If it means I get a snakehead cane, I am totally cool with that.
—Santana Lopez: Sooooo many innuendos...
— (Noah Puckerman likes this.)
Noah Puckerman thinks that Lucius Malfoy is badass and everyone should just shut their mouths.
—Kurt Hummel: Again. Blond hair. Vomit-inducing. Though I do have to admit his cane is quite Vogue.
—Finn Hudson: Dude, did you SEE A Very Potter Sequel? Lucius was a ballerina!
—Rachel Berry: Finn, a male ballerina is called a ballerino.
—Finn Hudson: Whatever!
—Noah Puckerman: Dude, did you see Billy Elliot? Ballerinas can be badass too, y'know.
—Kurt Hummel: Oh god, the mental pictures… Please, please, PLEASE stop.
—Noah Puckerman: You're just denying that you love the image of me in a tutu.
—Santana Lopez: Puckerman, you are SERIOUSLY compromising your rep here.
—Kurt Hummel: THANK YOU, Santana. And, Puck, you do realize that you being Lucius would technically make you Quinn's dad, right?
—Finn Hudson: Dude. Ew.
—Quinn Fabray: I. AM. NOT. MALFOY.
Finn Hudson — Tina Cohen-Chang: I totally just realized that you're Cho Chang. :D
—Tina Cohen-Chang: What? Why? Because I'm Asian? I swear, if that's the reason you give, I will put my extensive collection of safety pins to use.
—Finn Hudson: Whoa, no! No, just cause Artie liked you and didn't end up with you in the end, but he was okay with it because he got Brittany, which makes her Ginny, which also makes her my sister… Huh, this is a long train of thought.
—Brittany Pierce: I didn't know I had a brother!
—Tina Cohen-Chang: Finn, if that's your logic for making me Cho, then by rights, I'd be dating Sam right now, but he's dating Quinn. So…Cedric is dating Malfoy?
—Quinn Fabray: *facepalm* I give up.
—Sam Evans: Wait...I thought we already cleared up that thing about me being gay?
—Tina Cohen-Chang: ...You totally missed the point of that, didn't you? I swear, you're Finn 2.0
—Finn Hudson: Not sure if that's an insult...
—Sam Evans: So...does that make me one of the Weasleys?
—Tina Cohen-Chang: No, it makes you Lavender Brown.
—Sam Evans: Wait, what? Now I'm confused.
—Tina Cohen-Chang: *sigh* Never mind. Internet sarcasm never carries over.
—Finn Hudson: Dude! Sam is Percy!
—Kurt Hummel: What? Why Percy?
—Finn Hudson: Cause he does everything by the rules! And Percy's the Head Boy, and Sam's the quarterback, so they're both leaders…
—Kurt Hummel: Finn, Percy abandoned his family and went to work for the Ministry because he was afraid of breaking the rules for the greater good. That's not leadership.
—Sam Evans: Who's Percy?
—Noah Puckerman: Dude, did you even READ the books? Seriously!
—Kurt Hummel: Oh god, I've agreed with Rachel Berry and Noah Puckerman in the same day. The apocalypse is nigh.
—Sam Evans: Well, I saw the movies, so…
—Noah Puckerman: You fail. So hard.
— (Finn Hudson, Kurt Hummel, and 10 others like this.)
—Tina Cohen-Chang: Okay, please stop spamming my notifications. Now.
Quinn Fabray would like everyone to know that Draco Malfoy is a foul, loathsome, evil little cockroach who can't fend for himself and just does what he's told by his parents and the Dark Lord. Therefore, he is the OPPOSITE of me.
—Rachel Berry: Well spoken, Quinn. I believe that in light of that new argument, we should reassign you to the position of Narcissa Malfoy.
—Quinn Fabray: I just can't get out of the family, can I?
—Rachel Berry: Well, you have to admit, there's not too many female characters who have the strength of character that you possess. There's Hermione, Ginny and Molly Weasley, Bellatrix Lestrange, Nymphadora Tonks, Professor McGonagall, Luna Lovegood… Narcissa is really the only one who suits you.
—Quinn Fabray: I could be Tonks!
—Tina Cohen-Chang: No. No way. I'm Tonks. End of discussion.
—Rachel Berry: Are you sure you wouldn't rather be Cho? Because Mike makes a wonderful Cedric, and I'm pretty sure that Mr. Schue would be Professor Lupin, which, if you're Tonks, crosses several lines that shouldn't be crossed.
—Tina Cohen-Chang: Whoa… Okay, yeah, I'm Cho. But Quinn is still Narcissa.
—Mike Chang: I am NOT cool with being the spare guy who dies and turns into a sparkly vampire.
—Tina Cohen-Chang: Aw, but Edward Cullen is hot!
—Mike Chang: He looks like someone punched him in the face when he was a baby and his bones were still soft.
—Santana Lopez: Do NOT turn this into a Twilight discussion.
—Brittany Pierce: Even I know Twilight blows.
—Quinn Fabray: Fine, I'm Narcissa. But don't expect me to be jumping for joy about it.
—Rachel Berry: Look on the bright side! At least it eliminates the incestuous element of your past relationship with Noah.
—Quinn Fabray: Stop talking. Now.
—Rachel Berry: Technically I'm typing ;)
—Quinn Fabray: And everyone hates a literalist.
—Finn Hudson: So...wait, who's gonna be Draco now?
—Rachel Berry: We need a foul, loathsome, evil little cockroach. It seems to me the answer is obvious.
—Santana Lopez: Quit your pausing-for-dramatic-effect bullshit.
—Rachel Berry: Fine. Draco is Jacob Ben Israel.
— (Finn Hudson, Santana Lopez, and 11 others like this.)
Rachel Berry still thinks that Noah Puckerman is better suited to the Weasley twins.
—Artie Abrams: I have to agree – they're jokesters, womanizers…
—Noah Puckerman: Hey, I treat women great.
—Quinn Fabray: There's biological evidence to the contrary, you know.
—Kurt Hummel: Okay, all joking aside, can we please put this debate to an end?
—Finn Hudson: Aw, you're just sore that you ended up as Colin Creevey.
— (Noah Puckerman, Rachel Berry, and 10 others like this.)
—Kurt Hummel: Rrrgh.
Kurt Hummel is growing increasingly disturbed by his fellow Glee clubbers' insistence that we are all Harry Potter characters.
—Finn Hudson: Man, you're really taking the Colin Creevey thing hard...
—Rachel Berry: Kurt, would you like to be reassigned?
—Rachel Berry: Because I think you'd make an excellent Professor Snape.
—Kurt Hummel: WHAT.
—Rachel Berry: That was a joke, Kurt :D
—Noah Puckerman: Twenty points to Berry!
— (Finn Hudson and Rachel Berry like this.)
—Kurt Hummel: *headdesk*
Brittany Pierce I'm Dobby.
—Rachel Berry: ...
—Artie Abrams: No, Britt, you're Ginny Weasley. I refuse to date a house elf.
—Rachel Berry: I'm feeling the urge to reprimand you for such a racist comment, Artie.
—Artie Abrams: They're a different SPECIES, Rachel!
—Kurt Hummel: They're also FICTIONAL!
—Artie Abrams: Do NOT rain on the Harry Potter parade, yo!
—Kurt Hummel: Do NOT attempt gangsta-speak over Facebook! You're bad enough at it in real life.
—Artie Abrams: Oh, you're one to talk. And don't try to change the subject!
—Rachel Berry: Okay, you two, grab some music stands and settle this like real showmen.
Artie Abrams has just realized that Santana Lopez is Bellatrix Lestrange, and is now more terrified than ever.
— (Santana Lopez likes this.)
A/N: So...I'm actually not a huge fan of this. Let me know how I did and if you want me to possibly continue it.