Hello again =)
Wow, this chap got long. But I really did enjoy writing it.
Thanks again to all of you who reviewed this story and told me to continue. I try as hard as I can to write as if the author himself would write the sequel. It's an honor that you appreciate it that much =)
And to Jam: Yes, it definitly is a compliment for me if one says that my writing style is similiar to David Levithan`s, because he's one of my favorite authors and I love his style of writing and I do my best to let it seem like he was the one writing this story^^
I don't know if the next chap will still come out this year. I'll try, I promise^^
But still, please enjoy!
Disclaimer: I don't own Boy meets Boy
In all honesty, I am able to understand why Noah has had such a crush on him before, when he was still living in his old town. Pushing my first meeting with him this morning a little aside, I can't help but find him damn attractive. And exciting. And arrogant. But it's an arrogance I can forgive somehow, because I can't help feeling like he can afford being arrogant, because he has more than enough reasons to do so.
I've never been quite able to picture him in my mind. I only knew what kind of jerk he is, based on what my boyfriend told me about him. But now, as I see him… Under other circumstances I guess I wouldn't mind his nastiness and arrogance. I'd take it all… if he'd just be mine, at least for a little while.
Those and other stupid, Noah and/or his boyfriend related thoughts run through my mind, as I'm at home that afternoon, learning my role whilst listening to the radio playing some random charts. It takes a few minutes until I notice that I've learned that scene already two days ago. Oh well…
The next moment, I fire the script onto my bed. Then I run out of my room, knocking heavily at my brother's door.
"Jay!" I yell; I believe he makes up for the sleep he didn't get this morning.
"…What is it?" comes the sleepy reply from the other side.
"Can you drive me to Tony's?"
It's silent for a few moments and I almost think, he has fallen asleep again. Then I hear a low groan of annoyance. "What's with Mom? Can't she bring you?"
"She's still at work. C'mon, Jay…"
Another groan. Then I hear him standing up and walking through his room, hitting a few DVDs and his TV. He curses and I almost see his mood falling into a deep, icy cave. Then he rips the door open.
"Why couldn't you tell me to drive you there when I was still awake?" he snaps. His brown hair is totally messy and his eyes small and watery.
"Yeah, sorry… What were you doing last night, anyway?"
"Whatever" he grunts.
I raise an eyebrow. "What's her name?"
"None of your business"
"Ok, then I'll ask Mom…"
Jay turns around, faster than a bolt. But he stays silent, probably thinking of what to do. Then he sighs and rubs his eyes.
"Go get the keys, now, will ya?" he mumbles and closes the door again. I jump to the stairs, a wide grin on my face. Maybe that was something I needed.
I'm more than curious to know who that mysterious girl might be that kept him awake all night. He must have a great crush on her, I can tell. My brother may have a really slight brother-complex (not that I'm complaining; sometimes it's rather annoying, though) but normally he never would've driven me to Tony's if I yelled him out of bed like earlier. No, I reckon he's actually in a pretty good mood. Because of that girl.
We've been silent for a few minutes; I look at him from time to time and study his unmoving profile. Then I can't stand it anymore.
"C'mon, you always tell me. Who is she? Do I know her?" I ask with a sly grin on my face. I haven't forgotten about Noah and Pitt and Joni and her useless boyfriend Chuck, but right now, this is about something that makes Jay happy. And that means it makes me happy, too. And that means for the moment, it's more important. Both for my brother and for me.
He sighs. Then he turns the music down. "She's a junior at our school. Name's Alexis. You know her?"
I nod slowly. I have a picture of a pretty, seventeen-year-old brunette in front of my inner eyes. As far as I know she's quite popular among her friends and she's a great musician. She'll be in the orchestra that'll accompany our Christmas play. She plays the violin.
"Ah, ok. I guess you two were phoning all night, right?"
"Of course" A smile appears on his face. A small, cheerful smile.
"So? Are you two dating now?"
"Not officially yet. We'll go to the cinema tomorrow, after that we'll eat somewhere, then I'll drive her home and so on…"
I keep silent. He's not finished yet.
"…I believe it might become something… something real, you know"
I nod. I feel happy for him, but his last words get stuck in my memory. Something real… Is there a chance that a relationship between two people isn't real sometimes? Is that possible? It sounds like the relationship has never really existed in the first place or it was only some kind of illusion or so.
I rest my chin in my palm as I look outside the window, seeing the landscape pass by. Soon we'll be there. Question then might be: How does one know that something's real or not? And what can one do to make it real? I sigh. It starts snowing again.
It's as I'm standing in front of his front door that I notice that Tony doesn't even know that I'm here. The car turns around the next corner already. I take my cell out of my pocket and call my friend.
"Hello? Paul?" Tony's rather surprised voice answers after a few moments.
"Hey. Are you busy right now?"
"No, actually not. Why?"
"Can I come over for a bit?"
"Sure. When are you coming?"
"Uhm… I'm in front of your house already" It stays silent. Then the front door opens and Tony looks at me, eyebrows disappearing behind his bangs.
"Hey" he says, lowering the phone.
We settle in his kitchen. His parents are both still at work, which relieves me. I'm still not on really good terms with them, but I like to believe it gets better bit by bit. Tony puts a plate full of cookies and gingerbread in front of me. His house smells after Christmas and candles and church.
"How're you?" I ask, because I don't want to give him any answers yet.
"Quite fine. Kyle left only half an hour ago" I take a bite from the gingerbread and look at him.
"You two are a thing now?"
A smile appears in the corners of his mouth. A smile, similar to my brother's a few minutes before. "Sort of"
I wait for him to continue.
"It feels right, you know?"
Then his eyes lower to the plate. And then they return to me. "But you don't mind, do you?"
"He's your ex-boyfriend, after all"
"Don't worry about that" I smile; I haven't given that any thought before, to be honest. "I feel happy for the two of you"
"…Ok" "And… your parents? Do they know already?"
He shrugs. "I guess they noticed something but they still can't manage to get it into their heads. It's a lot for them to handle"
"And how do they try to handle it?" I ask, referring to the religious obsession of Tony's parents.
"Paul" He says and I hear in his voice that he wants me to understand really bad because till now I didn't want to understand them (and him) at all. "They've improved. And they're trying, really"
I keep silent. I've never been quite able to understand why Tony keeps on loving his parents even though they treated him so badly after he told them that he's gay. I deem… his parents should love him the way he is. That's what parents are for, right? Of all people, they should support him the most. And yet they were the ones who hurt them the most. And he still wants to think that they love him. And he still loves them.
I know that I'm unfair. Maybe I'm even spoiled because my parents had never any problems with me being gay. Nor my brother. But Tony is the only child those two have and they try their best to make his life even more difficult than it is already. What kinds of parents do that? Maybe Tony forgives them for all their sins they did for their so called oh-so-holy catholic church and, in their opinion, also for his sake. But I can't forgive them. Not, after all they've done to Tony. He looks at me and I can see that he sees that right now, I'm not up to change my mind at all. So he drops the topic.
"Why are you here, Paul? Has Joni realized that Chuck is an idiot?"
"Unfortunately no. Not yet, at least. It's…" I hesitate. Then I slap my hand against my forehead. Oh craaaaaaaaaaaaap!
What kind of boyfriend am I? I leave my boyfriend alone together with his ex-boyfriend. I don't even know where they've gone to. I was way too angry at him. And at me. At the whole damn situation! I don't know what happened after Noah went over to greet him, back there at the school gates. I was so angry that I went home, without saying goodbye. Without staying there like any other boyfriend would've done it. Craaaaap!
"Tony… I guess I made a really big mistake"
I look at him. Then I look away. And I tell him everything.
Tony listens without interrupting me. He listens and stares out of the window, because he knows that I know that I did something wrong, so he doesn't have to give me some kind of non-verbal signals, such as narrowing his eyes or so, to let me feel even more miserable. I stop and breathe out. That was everything.
We stay silent.
Then he turns around to me again. "Do you think he's at home?"
I look at my watch. "Probably"
"Then go over to him and try to talk with him. Apologize and ask him what's going on between him and that Pitt-guy. I reckon he even waits for you to show up already. Anyone would. Since… you're his boyfriend after all"
I nod slowly, feeling nervousness gather in my chest. Then I stand up.
"Call me later" Tony says, opening the front door.
"Yeah. And… thanks, Tony"
Then I'm out of the house and wait for my brother to pick me up.
As I stand in front of my boyfriend's door, I lift my hand to ring the doorbell. Then I lower it again. I try it again. And I fail again. I guess I look stupid standing there on the door mat. But I can't bring myself to do anything. My shoulders drop. Then I pluck up what's left of my courage and ring. The familiar sound echoes through the house. It takes a few moments before his younger sister Claudia opens the door, raising her brows at my sight.
"Hey" I say.
"Dude, if you really like my brother, then do something! Don't let him do the same mistake again!" she snaps, but steps aside to let me in.
"?" is my reply.
"You know whom I'm talking about. Noah is upstairs. You know the way".
"Are your parents at home?"
"No, otherwise, he wouldn't have taken him till the door mat".
My heart skips a beat. "Is he-?"
"No, left about an hour ago"
I slide off my shoes and walk up the stairs, a way I've really learned to like; I guess my feet would find their way on their own, without me helping them. They know exactly where they want to take me.
I knock at his door. No answer. I carefully open and glance into his whimsy-cool room. No one there. That means he's in his studio in the attic. I walk through his room and to his closet, instantly finding the rope ladder up the old chimney.
My heart has had a tough time today, and it's not over yet. It feels like he was the boy I had a crush on since months now, without having been able to tell him or show him or so. My legs become weak; my heart beat jumps out of my chest and my knees slightly start to shake. But it's not a good shaking and not a good beat. It feels wrong and worried and confused.
His back is turned toward me. He stands in front of his easel, his right arm is following the movement of a wave or a wing, his left hand holds his color palette. His stereo plays the album of Christina Perri.
"I learned to live half alive
And now you want me one more time…"
I stand and don't move. I watch him and I don't think he has noticed me. Or maybe he doesn't want to notice. My breath comes out in a long, soundless sigh, a nothing against the voice of Christina Perri. I believe I could stand here all night long, only watching him and believing that this distance is no distance anymore but a glimpse of closeness, a stop of time. A moment which goes on forever. Only for me.
"Did it took so long just to feel alright
Remember how to put back the light in my eyes
I wish I had missed the first time that we kissed
Cause you broke all your promises
And now you're back
You don't get to get me back…"
I approach him, until I stand behind him, stepping a little to the right, to get a look at what he has painted till now. It's a girl and she's sitting against a mesh wire fence. Her world seems to go up in flames and there's no one else. She's all alone.
"Looks nice" I say softly, though my heart almost drowns out my voice. He doesn't flinch; he only shrugs, which means that he has noticed me already. I want to look at his face, but I don't dare. Instead I lower my gaze. Why does it feel so cold, now, being next to him?
"And who do you think you are
Running 'round leaving scars
Collecting your jar of hearts
And tearing love apart…"
His brush lowers. Then he sighs and turns around to me.
But before he can say a word, I say "I'm sorry"
He doesn't smile, but I believe his green eyes get a little less cold.
"I should be the one saying that"
"No, really. I left you two. I was angry and I didn't care at all about you. And him. I shouldn't have left, earlier. I'm sorry for that" And for having doubts.
Noah shakes his head. "Well… Pitt he… I showed him a little bit of the town and told him a few of all the stories, you know. Then he offered me a cappuccino and then he went home with me. He only stayed about twenty minutes, after that he left".
I don't think that Noah tells me any lies, but I don't think that he tells me the entire truth, either. And I don't know what to feel about that fact.
"…Were you happy to see him?" I ask. He doesn't answer. He puts his tools away. Then he walks over to the old sofa standing in one corner and falls into the pillows.
He sighs again. This time a slight undertone of hurt inside the sound. I follow him and sit down next to him.
"I don't know, Paul, honestly. Is it… so wrong to want to be on friendly terms with him again? Despising him takes so much… energy. It takes too much emotion and it makes me think too much, of all what went wrong. It doesn't let me forget. I don't know what to do. I've never been in this kind of situation before".
Of course not. Pitt was Noah's first boyfriend.
There's no coldness left around him anymore. I feel his confusion and his hurt and his worries. I wish I could make them go away. But I cannot and this makes me sad and frustrated. It makes me feel so useless.
"But… how did it feel to be with him?" I ask.
"…Not… as bad as I expected. It was ok. Strange and… reserved, but not bad, I guess".
I don't know if this is good news or not. "Are you going to meet again?"
"Maybe. He told me that he'd call me".
I nod and fall silent. "You know... I wish for your sake to be on good terms with him again, really. But I can't deny that I feel insecure"
He says and looks so guilty that my heart is melting. I don't want to make this any harder for him than it is already. I don't know what to say and neither does he. Actually, I have a lot more to say and a lot more thoughts to share with him, but right now, he's not his usual self. There're too many thoughts inside his mind already, crashing against each other, leaving a chaos of colors and shards of thoughts and sounds behind, I believe. He needs to calm down. And for that, he doesn't need me. I stand up, but he holds me back.
"Could you… stay here a little bit longer, maybe?" he asks and sounds so lost that I nod and sit down again. And then I put my arms around him and hold him, because I feel that he needs someone to lean onto, now. He needs no words now. Only my silence. And it's all I can give him right now.
I've never seen him this breakable, this helpless. This makes me feel my love for him stronger than ever before and I hold him closer, closer to my heart. He relaxes.
And then he says "Just a few minutes… and then I'll be ok again…".
A lie which wants to be the truth. So I let it be the truth for the meantime.
"I know" I answer.
There's too much which still has to be said. Too much that still has to change. Too much that still has to be felt in order to become the wish to become better.
Outside, the snow continues to fall.
To be continued...
It was really interesting to write a scene where Noah is the one having a tough moment. I hope you liked it and got as authentic as possible.
There's not much more to say, except that Paul, Noah, Pitt and all of the friends will still get a tough time in this story^^
It's getting more and more exciting ;)And I promise there will still be more TonyXKyle and ChuckXJoniXTed coming up.
Anyway, I hope you liked it and please leave a Review =)