"I know. The way he walks…" Ron, Neville, and Harry heard a voice say as they were walking to the DA meeting. They stopped to find out who was talking- and who they were talking about. They noticed a door, left a crack open, where the Room was.
"I'll bet he has the best body in the school." Another voice said. It was decidedly feminine. All of the boys preened, imagining the girls were talking about themselves.
"Forget his body!" Someone said. It sounded familiar. "What about his voice?" There were sighs of happiness.
"I bet he could make me orgasm by simply reading Umbitch's book out loud." The second voice said.
"I wouldn't mind taking 'remedial Potions' with him. Harry is so lucky!" The first girl sounded extremely envious. The three boys eyes bugged out when they realized who the girls were talking about. Being the daring- or stupid, depending on how you look at it- Gryffindors that they were, they wrenched the door to the Room of Requirement all the way open to find Ginny, Hermione, and Luna staring at them in confusion. Ron and Harry stopped dead.
"Why the bloody hell…" Ron started.
"Were you three talking about Snape…" Harry said.
"Like he was… cute?" Neville finished, repulsed.
"Of course we weren't!" Ginny said, flushing.
"Yes, we were talking about him like he was drop-dead sexy." Luna said, smiling at them dreamily. Neither of the boys had a chance to respond to this, because, at that moment, Hannah Abbot ran into the room, her face cracked in a huge smile.
"I got it, I got it!" she screamed. Hermione, Ginny, and Luna all swarmed around her, squealing. They all moaned at whatever was in Hannah's hands. Ron shouldered in the girls circle and grabbed the photo out of their hands, not looking at it until he reached the other members of the XY chromosome in the room. There, he smoothed it out and they all looked at it. Then they tossed it back at the girls, horrified.
"How the hell did you get a picture of…" Harry said, horrified.
"SNAPE NAKED!" Ron roared. They heard a loud gasp, a few yells of "naked Snape pictures in the Room of Requirement!" and then silence. The girls currently in the room froze, knowing what was coming. Hermione was the first to regain her senses as an angry rumbling sounded through the school.
"Quick!" she moaned (whether from nerves of seeing her professor naked, we may never know). "We have to make copies, or enlarge it, or something!"
"Both!" Hannah, Ginny, and Luna yelled. The girls feverishly started mass-producing copies and then enlarging them before the entire female population got into the Room. They had just finished when all of the girls did, including (Ron, Harry, and Neville noted) Professors Sinistra and Hooch. The three boys were pushed out of the way as every girl rushed to get a picture, eager to post it on their walls and drool over it.
Severus Snape did not know what had gotten into the females today. They were either staring at him, brushing up against him, giggling near him, or wearing some of the most revealing clothing that Hogwarts has ever seen to date around him. Not even his collogues were spared form the apparent madness. In fact, the only female that seemed unaffected was Umbridge. In short, Severus was getting annoyed.
"Professor Snape?" Hanna Wassail* (seventh year) asked after her lesson with him. "I was wondering if you could tutor me a bit?" He glared at her, but she seemed unaffected. In fact, all she did was blush harder than before. "I mean, I know I'm doing well and all, but…"
"Be silent." He commanded her. "And look at me." She bit her lip and blushed even harder, rivaling Miss Weasley's blush earlier that day. He had never done this before, using Legillimency on a student- but he simply had to get to the bottom of this.
What he saw surprised him- a huge picture of himself, naked! Horrified, he withdrew from her mind. "Miss Wassail, where did you find that picture?"
Wassail took a deep breath. "Um, nowhere." He didn't want to risk looking into her mind again to see where she really had gotten it.
"Who else has one? And tell me the truth." His fingers closed under her chin, forcing her to stand still. Ah, this was bad. He was using her hormones to get the answer. But, there was no help for it, unfortunately.
"Just about every female, except for Umbitch." She said, her eyes closed, her breath coming in short gasps. He let his fingers slid off her chin.
"Very well." He said. "You are dismissed."
"What a-about my original question, Professor?" she asked, breathing heavily.
"I will think about it. Now go." He pointed to the door. She practically ran from the room, leaving Snape pondering what in Hades to do about this.
"Well, how'd it go?" Amelia Paccar asked as Hanna rushed out of the Potions room, breathing heavily.
"He said he'd think about it." Hanna turned to her friend. "God, his voice… does he even know what it does to us?"
"Don't think so." Amelia said thoughtfully. "Although he would be the kind to use it to deliberately torture us…"
What to do about this ridiculous picture that was circulating throughout the school? Severus was getting rather tired by the enamored faces of the girls… and the constant stream of students in and out of his office, all girls hoping to get extra lessons with him.
"Severus." The voice of the headmaster roused Severus out of his giggle- induced stupor.
"Headmaster." He greeted his boss.
"I have recently heard from the females of the staff…"
"Minerva told you of the picture, didn't she?" Severus groaned. This was just what he needed…
"Well, yes. However, I was wondering when it was taken, and if you knew about it. However, from your tone of voice, I " Dumbledore's eyes twinkled in amusement.
"No bloody clue." The irate man growled.
"I realize that this is an annoyance for you, Severus, but as there are so many copies of it that I can't obtain them all." Dumbledore said, still clearly amused. Severus growled.
"It's going to be around for a while, isn't it?" Severus had never been so close to crying.
He was, indeed, correct, about the length of time that his picture would be circulated. In fact, Lily Luna Potter lost her virginity in front that poster. And her daughter's neice made a "Snape fan club" during her time at Hogwarts, and later wrote in the Witch Weekly magazine that he was 'the sexiest dead man that every girl for the past years had been able to enjoy again and again', much to her family's shock. It wasn't until the summer of 2075 that the current Headmistress, an old conservative hag called Madame Fellahin, that they disappeared. However, the house-elves ordered to take them down worked their elf magic and they were preserved until Scorpius and Rose Malfoy's great-granddaughters stumbled upon them one hundred and fifty years later. After that, they were framed and rehung in every female-only part of the castle for the remainder of it's days.
*Hanna- pronounced ha-na
Wassail- archaic term for orgy (yes, I am quite serious)