As I'm a freak of re editions, here's another.
Re edited: December 28th, 2011.
Hello world. I just wrote another "Not in the mood" Vignette. I hope you like...
I need you all to know that this oneshot was a mess before Shimmering Glowing Star help. She is my beta, and corrected all the grammatical horrors I made before. Thank you so much, I have no words to express my gratitude.
Another F. Another F.
"Another E?" I asked to the air, surprised, taking my fingers off the paper to see better.
And I was wrong, it was another F...I just had my nail over the last line of the letter and...got false expectations.
I was a waste of time, oxygen and life. I was a mess. I was a loser. I was nothing and that made me feel empty and depressed. Yes, me, Phoebe "Freebie" Halliwell was feeling desperate because she had been a lousy student her whole high school and now had nowhere to stand. People may think that I didn't really care about school, college and my future but...I did; when I was in elementary school I had only straight A's, the best grades in the classroom being the best student as my sisters, but as soon as I joined High School and had to fight against Prue's popularity and Piper's brain, my self-esteem tricked on me and made me go with the cool guys of a gang just to feel worthy...after that, I had never seen another A in my grades.
Nor a B, C, D, or E...
My finals suck.
I couldn't believe that I was just eighteen and I already knew that I had no future. Prue was right when she said that I'm a disaster, and my worst nightmares were right when they said that I should never have been born, that I was the last and worst mistake of Patty and Victor Halliwell lives and nothing else. Than that was the reason of why they left me when I was only a baby, because they always knew I was crap.
I was sitting in my room, looking at my grades and couldn't help but shed a tear at noticing that the brilliant life I had dreamed with was over. That it had been born dead, as I should had. I wondered how I was going to become someone, how I was going to get a job...I thought that I would never be anything else than a pizza girl or a babysitter.
"Sure," I said aloud. "As if somebody would trust me their kids. I can't take care of myself. I can't stay twenty minutes with a child, that would be a suicide for them and after, I'll be known as the baby killer."
I laughed at myself, thinking that I had to have something good, that I had to have a hidden talent; I just...couldn't believe that I was so miserable and useless.
"What do people say I'm good at?" I thought, trying to remember.
I was smiling. It was my last piece of faith, I HAD to find something. My smile faded away as soon as I noticed that I hadn't heard anything good about me since I was thirteen, except of that I was very good in bed.
"Prostitute," I said to myself, "That's my destiny!," a horrible groan came out of my mouth, as I laughed again, ironically, "At least I won't starve, and maybe, If I'm lucky enough, or the child miserable, I'll be a mother someday," I thought as my heart asked me to stop telling myself that kind of things, but my mind replied that all of us knew that I wasn't lying but saying a big truth.
I took my letter, my college request and tore it. I knew I wasn't making it. I didn't want to try. I just, didn't want to fail again...not again, please.
"Expect nothing and you'll never be disappointed."
I expected nothing about myself and I knew anyone else did, so...I guessed that I was going to be ok. It was just about convincing myself that even though I was a piece of shit, I was doing the right thing waking up to the real world and stop dreaming and regretting what would have happened if.
There was no time for regrets.
I giggled, wiping my face and trying to smile; I was an expert doing that...an expert doing my best to hide my broken wings under my pillow and dry them every morning so nobody could ever see that I cried every single night for what I wanted to be, and what I really was.
Thank you for your time =)