The Feast of Fools II: The Throne Feud: Prologue
by Creedog VanDrey
Summary: Santana finds a way to get back on the squad.
Spoilers: Takes place in an alt-universe S2. It takes place after "The Feast of Fools", so all you have to know is that Santana was kicked on the Cheerios.
A/N: So, this won't be quite as cracky as the previous one, but I'll incorporate enough bizarreness to satisfy.
Prologue: "The Usurper"
Santana stood in Sue's office in a red bikini, spinning around.
"So, I see that you had what I can only imagine was disgustingly expensive laser surgery to have all your atrocious body art removed."
"It was worth it, Coach. Now can we talk about me getting back on the team?"
"Unfortunately, Macchiato, it's not that easy. You have yet to earn your spot back. Come back to me when you've done something to deserve my attention." Santana didn't move.
"Have I not made myself clear?"
"I have ideas."
"We all have ideas, Santana."
"We won last year because of Kurt. We had live vocals. No one else could say that."
"I'm quite aware of my own genius. If I wanted to hear about it, I write in my diary."
Santana didn't know why her coach sounded so sarcastic. She did have a diary. Santana had to steal it as part of her Cheerio initiation hazing.
She remained undeterred, though. "I did some research. We're not the only squad who will have a live singer this year. We'll have competition."
"I'm surprised by your lack of faith in me. My cheers alone could win us Nationals, with or without Ladyface. Plus, everyone knows I started the tradition. The rest will be seen as mere copycats."
"Oh, we'll win," Santana replied, "there's no doubt about that. I just figured you'd want to dominate the other teams. Put on a show where they'll be so shamed with their inadequacy, they'll be too embarrassed to ever return."
Sue smiled. This is the first time she'd ever seen the Latina so silver-tongued.
"Fine, you've got my attention. What do you have in mind?"
"You haven't mined all the potential from this school…"
: : :
Sue handed Kurt his sheet music.
"Coach Sylvester, not to insult your intelligence, but you do realize this is a duet? I may be quite talented, but I can't sing both Captain and Tenille's part.
"Don't flatter yourself, Powder Room. I realized that I've got forty girls willing to slit each other's throats in the night for a chance at the head cheerleader spot, but you're just standing here, shooting the breeze, letting your talent atrophy with you mediocre performances."
Kurt looked like he had just been punched in the gut. While his outfit had been critiqued.
"But don't worry, Lady, I got you a little competition to keep you on your game."
Kurt smiled. "Mercedes is coming back?"
"I said 'competition.' I bring back Toni Braxton, I might as well put you in a diaper and care for you like I would a baby, and frankly, there's not enough room in my garage. No, I decided that I couldn't afford to have any of this unity crap weakening my team again."
In the background, Kurt heard a high-pitched squeal. He noticed Brittany screaming with joy as she raced from her place, which at that point happened to be one of the bases for a mount, to the bleachers, where she jumped into Santana's arms, knocking the golden-skinned girl to the ground.
"You recruited Santana back," Kurt noticed, "Is she…?"
"Pay attention, would you, Legolas? This is the type of distractibility that will cost us Nationals. Meet your new duet partner."
Sue gestured to the sidelines where, wearing a full Cheerios uniform, stood Rachel Berry.
A/N: This entire series was going to parallel sixteenth century royal political battles, but I remembered that I hate history, so I decided just to let this series play out as it will.