Chapter one: The end
It's beautiful up here. Peaceful and its quiet and with the natural beauty of the landscape. I always loved this place. My sanctuary, my hideout. I could stand here and watch the sun set behind the horizon for hours. I could almost forget that this light doesn't mean anything. That it's just the end of another day in darkness. And the beginning of another night without a moon to brighten my path. For it doesn't matter to me what moon phase it is, my life was always dark, always the darkest of nights. It is worse than shadows, for they are made by the light, where there is a shadow, there is light. But in my life there is no light, no sun, no moon, not even stars. Just him, the one that devours all the light. The one, that only brings night and pain. The one that should love me, should protect me, but never did, and never will.
I used to hope for his love, used to hope for him to change and protect me. I used to hope for someone else to love me instead and protect me from him. But no one ever came. Not yet. And since this is the end, it would be too late. Would, not will, for there will never be someone to be too late. I gave up hoping for that a long time ago, it only hurts to hope only to be disappointed. I'm not meant to be loved, I'm not good enough to be treasured. I'm just a worthless street dog, meaningless and useless. No one will miss me. Maybe he will, for who will he beat now, who's light will he consume before it ever reaches him, once I'm gone? But he'll probably find someone else, I'm nothing special and easily replaced.
This cliff is the perfect place for the pain to end. A place where I can disappear in peace. Where I can run from the memories that haunt me. Where I can drown the pain in the river below the cliff I'm standing on. I will drown my bruised skin in the Nile and let him take the pain from my pained limbs. I will let him take my last painful breath with pleasure and pray that the gods of death will be welcoming and more kind towards me, than the gods of the living. More than the god that allowed my father to hurt me, his son, the one that he should have protected, more than the god that had watched without actions, as my mother had taken the last light in my life with her. My baby sister.
I can still remember the day when he started to consume my life. At the time my mother was still living with us. I remember the first time I saw it happen. It all started when I was just 4 years old.
"Stop please." I hear my mother whimper, her voice like she is crying I run to her aid. I don't want my dearest mother to be in pain and want to make it better.
As I ran into the room my mother is in, I see my father with her. Standing over her, his hand lifted. He hits her and she cries out. Not loud, just a little unwilling to wake the little girl that is still sleeping in the room I just came from. I run to my dearest mother. I look at my father and say: "Please stop. father, why you're hurting mother?"
"Get out of my way!" He shouts and grabs me by the arm to push me against the wall. It hurts but I hear mother cry again and run back.
"Stop, I won't let you hurt mother." I want to help her. I love her. She is always there, minding me and my sister. Father is always gone to work. Mother works in the village, helps to fix clothes for the other slaves and she can do that in the house. Again my father throws me out of the way, like I'm nothing to him. I'm too weak to help mother, but I keep trying. I run back and try to stop him. I get in the way and get hit instead.
I'm too weak to stop him. All my efforts do, is make him more angry. But I can't stop, I want to help mother so much. I have to help her. So I run back and get kicked away and run back and get hit hard, so I fall. I stand up and again he just pushes me away. It goes on until mother and I are both too weak to stand up, we both are bruised. And once father has left us there on the floor she says, "You only made it worse, you stupid brat. Get out of my sight." And I leave. I hope she doesn't mean it. I hope it was just the pain that make her say these hurtful words. I go back to the room I share with my baby sister. And watch her sleep in peace, praying that it will never happen again
But it happened again, and again, and again, and mother got mad for interfering, for just being in the way. But I couldn't just watch. I prayed to grow fast and get strong, so I could protect my dearest mother. I wanted to but she didn't give me the time to grow.
"Mother, dearest, what are you doing?" I cry out after seeing her pack some stuff of hers and my sister.
"I'm leaving. I can't stand it any longer. I will leave it behind." She says and looks angry.
"What will you leave? Will you leave father?" I ask hoping that she'll take me with her.
"Of course I leave him, you stupid child." She looks at me with the same furious look as the first night where I got in the way. The same look I always get when my failed attempts of helping her made the beatings get worse.
I can see the bruise around my mothers eye. He had hit her again. He always hits her. He always hurts my mother and makes her cry. It make me sad and I want to help. But I'm so little, so helpless. It's just my eights summer now and I'm weak and father is a big and strong man, that works on the Pharaohs pyramid. It was hard work and it made him mad to have to do it. He took it out on mother. Again.
"Will you take me, mother? I want to be with you. And when I'm big and strong I can protect you and my sister." I beg affright of losing her.
"Fool, you're like him. You look like him and talk like he used to do, before he showed me his true face. I'm not falling for that again. You will not ruin me and my daughter you'll stay the hell away or I'll kill you." The look in her eyes terrifies me. The look is like that of an animal that is cornered by a predator knowing that there is no way out but unwilling to simply give up.
I cry and beg "No mother dearest, I would never hurt you or Serenity. I love you both. I'm not like father, I want to be good. Don't leave me mother."
I can feel the tears run down my face and see the anger and hate in my mothers eyes. Anger and hate for my father, and for me!
"Don't dare to follow." And with that she turns and goes into my sisters room, I see them come out and go for the door.
"Mother, where are you taking me? Why is Joey not coming? I want my big brother, mother." I hear my sisters voice and know that it might be the last time I hear that little voice. The voice that loves to sing and laugh and still is innocent and unknowing of the dark secret of our fathers tamper. A father that she hardly ever sees since he is working too hard.
"Shut up, I don't want him. Now move." I feel another tear build up in my eye but fight it. I don't want to terrify my baby sister further.
I see Serenity pull on mothers hand, trying to get to me and I stretch my hand towards my baby sister and say: "I love you Serenity, I always will." and I can feel tears running silently down my face, I'm to weak to even do as little as stop myself from crying for my sister. But at least I don't move. Not because I'm scared what mother might do to me, but because I don't want Serenity to have to see it. I stay and watch them leave till past sunset. I'm still standing, watching to where they disappeared when father comes home.
"What are you doing, staring holes into the air? Move it and get inside." He says going in himself and calls: "Where the hell is my dinner? I'm starving." He looks around and turns to me again "Where is she? Where are they? Where are my women? Where is my wife and daughter?"
"Gone. They left. Forever." Tears are still running down my face. My eyes and head hurt from crying but I can't stop. I lost my sister and my mother, who said she hated me. Who said she would kill me. All that I have left is the man that made her leave, the man that hurt her and made her hate me. I hope that he will make it better. That he promises to find her and make it up to her, that he will bring them back and everything will be better. I hope my childish hopes and dreams.
As I watch the hate come to his face and hear him, he shatters my hope by saying: "It's your fault! You weren't a good boy, you didn't help her. You're to blame. And he hits me in the face so hard that I fall to the hard unforgiving floor and I know he is right. I didn't help her, I didn't help her when he hit her. I'm to blame that she left me. I wasn't good enough to be loved.
I feel more tears again. I feel the pain again. It was my fault that my mother left me, that she had come to hate me. I'm unworthy of her love, because I', weak and scared. Because I look like him, without having his strength. I'm still not as strong, even so I'm fully grown. I'm now at the end of my 20th year in this world and do not intend to finish it. I will end it. Now and here. After watching the sun set, the light disappears as it has on the day my mother had left me to take her place as fathers outlet for his anger. I have the scars to prove it. The bruises on my skin to show. Some older than others. There came new once every single day. Not one day went without feeling pain.
I am alone. I have no friends and no family but him. No one but the one that takes my light and fills everything with utter darkness. And he didn't stop there. I'm working at the pyramid now, too. I have to. Like my father I never had a choice. He is a slave and so was my motherbefore she managed to run. And so am I. Born a slave, die a slave and there is no way out. I hate the work there. But I wouldn't take it out on others. I can deal with the work. Better even than with father. Or with what he is doing, when he isn't too exhausted some nights after work. He always beats me. No matter how tired he might be, he beats me. Telling me that if I had been better, mother would be here and have our dinner ready. Now I would have to do mothers work on top of mine after all it was my fault. I did it. But it wasn't enough. He told me so, when I had just started my 13th year.
"Brat, how long do you need to get my dinner done?" He shouts as me looking more like a monster then a human with the anger in his eyes.
"Just a second father, I'm nearly done." I say and hurry to get it done. Hurry to get him fed and hide for he won't beat me, if he doesn't see me. He won't think of it, he just forgets. And I already had gotten one beating. Maybe I could get around the second one tonight by hiding at my sanctuary until he is asleep. My cliff, high above the Nile, the most beautiful place I know. I wish I could show it to Serenity. But she is gone. My baby sister, the only one that had ever said that she wanted me. My little light, that was taken from me to complete the darkness.
I hear my father come into the room, I hurry and put his dinner on a plate. Not daring to make something for me while he is awake and can see. I sneak something when he's asleep. I'm not allowed to eat his food. I'm not worth it. "That's a good little thing." He says and looks strange "Why couldn't you be good back then? Your mother would still be here. Then I would still have someone to pleasure me after a hard day. Who is going to take over that job for your mother?"
I feel sick, the pure thought of anyone touching my father sickens me to the core. But I keep it in. It will just make him more mad. I start cleaning. I can't run while he is in the room and he doesn't take it away to his room for some reason. He just watches me while he eats. Seems like I'm not going to get around a second beating. I prepare my self mentally as soon as he is finished he will beat me. And I know he will.
He is finished and walks up to me. I try not to flinch, he will just be more mad. He hates to see my weakness. I can't flinch or cry. Or he will just beat me more.
I feel him put one arm around me and wonder why he is doing that. He had never done so before. He unfastens the belt that holds the small loincloth I'm wearing and pulls it of me.
"What? What are you doing father?" I finally choke out in fear. I remember what he had said about who was going to pleasure him in mothers stead. I'm the one who has to do all other things she had done, will he force me to do that do?
"Shout up, slut." Is all I hear, before I feel the pain. The pain that came when my innocence was taken. And I no longer can keep in the screams or the tears. "Stop crying, you slut", Is all I hear while the pain only increases with his force.
After that night it happened so often. After a while I got used to it and it hurt a little less, but it's still the worst pain he can give me. Every time I just stand there, in the same spot, always the same spot, always after dinner, by now I know that if he eats there where he can watch me, it will happen, and there is nothing I can do and the fear is nearly worse then the act itself but only nearly. And it reminds me that this all happens because I'm weak. I'm nothing but a street dog, a slut, a worthless piece of trash. I'll never be treasured by anyone. I'll never find another light again, nor the first little light to brighten the darkness, the one I lost, the one that got taken away, my sister.
The sun is about to set as I look up towards the sky and see the first brave star shine upon the darkening sky and pray to the gods. "I know I'm nothing. I know I can't be loved and I know I'm not worth your time. But please have just a bit pity on my scared soul. Please let there be a light in my after life. Even if it's as small as the pale star upon the sky, even if it can't brighten the night. Let it give me a bit of hope. I beg you, just one light"
I remember a song I heard during my hours at work. A hymn to the gods, a hymn for the dead. I started to sing it into the wind and pray for my own soul, for tonight I will offer it to the gods in hope for mercy. Tonight I will end the pain.
As the sun goes down beneath the earth plate, I finish the song and pray one last time. Have pity on my soul, oh gods and give me a light. Even as small as the first star of this night. And with that I jump. I jump of the cliff, using all my strength, into the Nile that is over the bangs right now. The Nile that is at his high point. I jump high, as high as I can and then fall. I fall and fall, feeling the wind on my face loving the feeling of it on my skin. I feel free for the first time in my life. And then the water hits me. It feels hard form the height but I stay conscious, I had hoped I would black out. It would be easier, now my instincts tell me to swim, to get to the surface. But I fight the instinct. I've never been a good swimmer anyway, and the Nile is at his highest. I don't have a chance either way. I might get up once but I will die and why fight what I wish for?
I drift in the water. Feel the pull of the current. As it moves me on along the river. I feel heavy as the air leaves my body and the darkness appears before my eyes "Please"I pray in my head "LetitbethelasttimeIseethisdarkness."And then I feel a hand taking mine and pulling at it. I feel a strong arm holding me around my waist and pulling further. I'm too weak to fight it and the darkness gets complete.