AGAINST THE SKY

Finale

When will you notice

That I want to offer every piece of my heart to you?

~Nishino Kana; DISTANCE

Sakura hates that she can only take muffled breaths against the unmarked, porcelain mask on her face. She knows she should be grateful that there are eyeholes at the very least, but ANBU masks are itchy and she hadn't been in the best of moods this morning anyway. Fourteen hours later, her frustration with Kakashi and their impossible situation has simmered down to a tired sort of resignation; it is something she can handle, but isn't something she would like to live with for an extended period of time.

Her jumbled thoughts pause as the high ponytail of her team leader quivers, and he stops abruptly, signalling for them to stop and make camp. This isn't Team Seven, but it is still familiar; she has been their "guest" medic for the past eighteen months, and they are beginning to build a steady and dependable rhythm that Sakura appreciates.

Camp-building is a quiet affair; they are still deep in foreign territory, and their Captain has always erred on the side of caution. Sakura idly wonders how quiet her three teammates were around each other before her entrance into the team; even now, she hasn't had a proper conversation of more than five sentences with two of them. (That isn't to say she doesn't trust them with her back, because she does).

The quiet of the forest at night is nice, but it is almost a relief when her Captain turns towards her, pale eyes glinting behind his mask.

"You should just apply to ANBU and get it over with," Neji comments. "You're pretty much the only medic we ever get now anyway."

Sakura gives a one-shouldered shrug. "ANBU was never my goal. You know the hospital's still my main priority right now."

"I suppose there are advantages to being primarily in Konoha," he acquiesces. It would be impossible for most people to tell, but Sakura sees that he has a bit of a faraway look in his eyes. She smirks.

"Still in the honeymoon phase now, are we?" Her teasing only manages to elicit a barely detectable pink hue in his cheeks; she knows the place to look is his ears, and they are as red as she had predicted.

Neji grunts in response, but doesn't try to hide the upturned quirk of his lips. He is happy. The marriage that had been celebrated just a little shy of one year ago had probably been arranged before he knew how to talk, but after taking a long and convoluted detour away from this path, Neji had been truly his own man when he presented her with a ring and a question. Gracefully standing up, he makes to check the perimeter again, but swivels to look at her.

"He'll come around."

Sakura starts a little. "Hmm?"

"He'll come around," Neji repeats. "And when he does, you'll be the one with the stupid smile on your face."

She glares at bit at his retreating back; it wasn't even like she mooned over Kakashi all around Konoha, but clearly Neji's keen intuition and knowledge of her from the very (VERY) brief time they had dated back when they were chuunin had been enough to pick up on it. She hadn't even told Ino!

Damn it all.

Sakura draws the short straw when coming back to Konoha and has to stop by the Hokage Tower to drop off their mission report. To her surprise, Kakashi is leaning against the same pillar he had been waiting for her at two years ago when she came back from the Sand; it gives her an odd sense of deja-vu.

She approaches him cautiously and asks, "What are you doing here?"

Kakashi looks down at her, and then at the mission report in her gloved hands. "Let's walk and talk." He moves without looking behind him, and Sakura rolls her eyes, jogging slightly to catch up. He doesn't say anything as they enter the Tower, but merely follows her as they descend into ANBU headquarters in the underground levels. He is still silent as she hands her report to the ANBU on desk duty, and she huffs in impatience and makes her way into the jounin lounge. Kakashi closes the door behind them, and Sakura whirls around. "I thought you wanted to talk?"

Kakashi sighs, and slips his hands into his pocket. Sakura almost pulls her hair in frustration, but settles on letting her heavy pack fall onto the floor and stalks across the room to fix herself a cup of coffee. When she slides onto one of the couches, mug in hand, Kakashi finally speaks.

"What you asked me before you left," he starts, slowly walking in her direction. "What exactly were you trying to say?"

"Let's not play that game, Kakashi," Sakura replies acidly, setting her cup down on the coffee table. "You know full well what I meant. Most people in our situation would just throw in the towel and move in together like a normal couple, but since neither of us have ever been great at normal, I figured it was about time we tried."

"Sakura," Kakashi tiredly answers, "I am thirty-four years old and much too old for you. You have your entire life in front of you. You're young and vibrant and you do not need someone like me."

"You know what? I don't think you care about that at all," Sakura glares, her hands tightly fisted. "I think you've lived your entire life like this as penance to your teammates, and since they were never happy, you can't be either."

Kakashi's back goes straight. When he replies, his voice is cold. "You have no idea what you're talking about."

"I know exactly what I'm talking about," Sakura snaps. "You think I haven't read your files? You still think I'm that naïve, stupid girl you taught way back when?"

"I thought I taught you better than this," Kakashi shoots back.

Sakura snorts. "Face it Kakashi, you barely taught me anything. When you weren't too busy seeing Uchiha Obito in Naruto, you saw yourself in Sasuke. And when everything just went to hell, that was just a whole load more for you to feel guilty about."

Kakashi sighs, his whole body deflating with the exhale of breath. Dropping into a chair, he rubs at his face with gloved hands. "Sakura, I know you don't believe me or think that I'm taking you too lightly, but there is no way you can understand this. Most days, even I struggle to make sense of it."

"There is never any sense to war, Kakashi," Sakura whispers. "And I think you're forgetting something very important."

Running a hand through his hair tiredly, Kakashi raises an eyebrow. Sakura rises from her seat and kneels down before him, her hands on his knees and her eyes looking directly into his. "I am not Rin."

Kakashi's eyes widen only imperceptibly, but his shoulders tense.

"I am not Rin, Kakashi," she repeats. "I am not Rin, Naruto is not Obito, and Sasuke is not you. We've each grown up and made our own mistakes, but we are not the same."

Kakashi snorts softly. "You think I don't know that?"

Sakura shakes her head. "It's not that I think you don't know it, but it doesn't change the fact that sometimes you see us as reflections of them."

Pausing to stand, Sakura withdraws her hands from his knees and takes two steps back. "What happened with Uchiha Obito and Rin were not your fault, Kakashi."

Kakashi makes to reply, but Sakura holds up her hand to stop him. "No, Kakashi. Hear me out. It was not your fault. You have lived for far too many years telling yourself that you could have prevented the whole mess by being just a little bit better, a little bit faster, a little bit kinder. The truth is that you never could have seen it coming, even if you were all those things. There is nothing you could have done."

The air is silent and heavy with everything that has just been said. Striding towards the door, Sakura bends to pick up the pack she had thrown off. "I wasn't quite fair to you beforehand. It's not true that you barely taught me anything. You taught me what it meant to be brave, to be loyal, and to be a fierce friend." Pausing at the door, Sakura takes a breath and continues, "But you also taught me that there are inevitable losses in being a ninja, and that I have to keep looking forward in spite of those losses."

Turning back towards him, Sakura sees that Kakashi has turned away. Her eyes soften, and she smiles tiredly. "And the reason I'm saying all of this is because I would have loved you with everything I had if you had let me, and I think we could be very happy together. And I think that regardless of where we end up, you need to start believing that you deserve to be happy. Because you do, Kakashi."

Sakura leaves, and shuts the door quietly behind her. That was it. Everything she had ever wanted to say to him. That was it. Sakura sighs, and starts on her way home.

"Sensei, Obito, Rin. You know that not a day will ever go by in which I don't think about you and wish that things could have turned out differently. You know that I will carry your stories and your burdens with me until the day I die." Hardened fingertips touch smooth granite softly. "But I think she's right. And I think I've known it for years."

The gloved hand drops from the memorial stone and slips back into a pocket. "I've always lived as if to appease you, and that was something I chose. And now, I want to choose happiness. You guys will be okay with that, right?"

The figure touches the stone again briefly, and then wordlessly melts back into the early morning shadows.

Days pass in blessed monotony. Sakura turns down several missions with Neji's team for a series of time-consuming surgeries that cause her days and night to bleed into each other and is dragged by Tsunade into attending three days of mind-numbingly boring meetings with the hospital's board of directors about allocation of funds. Most of the downtime she has is spent with Shizune in research labs, concocting antidotes to a wide variety of poisons and toxins, and she manages to squeeze in several training sessions with Sai. The one time Naruto drags her out for ramen for dinner, he tells her between huge mouthfuls that Kakashi has started to train him intensely in ninjutsu again, and asks why he hasn't seen the two of them together in a while.

Almost three weeks after their last conversation, Kakashi shows up at Sakura's house. She knows he is inside even before she unlocks her door, and steels herself for whatever passive-aggressive confrontation that is likely to occur as she lets herself in and starts to unzip her boots.

Kakashi is leaning against the doorjamb of her kitchen, and waits for her to take off her boots and undo her pack before he speaks. "Why me?"

Sakura is confused for a moment. "What?"

"Why me," Kakashi repeats. "Why me, of all people in the village. You could have anyone you wanted, civilian or ninja. Why me?"

Sakura flops down onto her couch and laughs. "Three weeks, and you only ask me this now?"

Kakashi is silent, but moves across the room to stand in front of her, his hands in his pockets and his slouch ever-present. The sight of him standing over her is familiar and comforting, and Sakura can't help but smile. Sitting up properly, she pats the seat next to her. Kakashi ignores her gesture and sits himself down on the floor, back leaning against the couch. The action is just so Kakashi, so engrained into her heart, that Sakura can barely resist the urge to run a gentle hand through his tousled hair.

"You're just you, Kakashi," Sakura shrugs. "Whether you're on a mission or back in the village with downtime or whatever you're doing – you're just you. And one day it was like I opened my eyes and saw that even with your flaws, you've always been a constant in my life and you have never once let me down when I really needed you."

Sliding down from her spot on the couch to join him on the floor, Sakura wraps her arms around her legs and continues. "You are a leader who values the lives of his subordinates above his own, you feel more strongly than you ever let on, and the most wonderful thing is that you don't know how wonderful you really are."

Kakashi half-sighs and half-laughs, face turning toward the ceiling. Looking back down at her through hooded eyes, he asks, "How is it possible that you make a man like me sound like such a saint?"

"It's because I choose to see the good in situations and in people," Sakura quietly answers. "It's something I have to choose to do, every single day. Just like how I choose to see you as the man you really are instead of the man you want others, and even yourself, to think you are."

They are silent for a moment, each lost in their own thoughts and grappling for words to say. Finally, Kakashi turns to look at her fully.

"I'm not going to be someone I'm not, Sakura. I can't promise you the things of pretty dreams and fantasies, because there isn't any of that in me to give you. But I don't want to lie to you, because you remind me of why I get up each day and keep fighting."

Sakura's fingers are fisted tightly in the material of her skirt as Kakashi speaks, her eyes never once leaving his face. He laughs softly, but continues. "I have never before let myself want anything like this, but since I do want this" – he slips a finger under his mask and pulls-

"I'm willing to try."

His face is open and honest and his nose is straight and centred and his cheeks are a little hollow but healthy and his jawline is narrow but strong and his words are coming from lips that are a little chapped, and Sakura knows that this is as close to a confession as she will ever get from him. And it is beautiful. He is beautiful.

"That's all I ever wanted to hear from you," Sakura whispers hoarsely, moving to embrace him; they meet halfway, and his arms are strong and sure across her back.

When they break apart, Sakura's eyes are glimmering and she laughs wetly. "Now that wasn't so hard, was it?"

Kakashi gives her a look, and Sakura swallows at how handsome and complete his face is without the mask. His expression grows slightly uncomfortable, and he asks, "Is it that different without the mask?"

Sakura pinks in the face and laughs. "Well, you're definitely going to have to give me some time to get used to it."

"We'll have plenty," Kakashi quietly says, taking one of her hands in his.

Sakura nods, and then her watery smile turns mischievous. "So…what do you like about me?"

And I don't know how it gets better than this

You take my hand and drag me headfirst, fearless

And I don't know why but with you I'd dance

In a storm in my best dress, fearless

~Taylor Swift; Fearless

a/n: AND THAT'S A WRAP! This A/N will be LONG, but PLEASE READ ALL OF IT!

First - thank you to everyone who left such kind and encouraging reviews. I know I'm an awful updater, but many of you stuck with me, and I truly thank you for that. For those of you who might be interested, I DO have lots of small drabbles based on their life afterwards in this universe that I'll probably post later, plus a closure piece that is quite dear to me. You can follow me (author alert) to get updates on that, but I'd guess conservatively that the earliest I'll get them posted is in a month-ish.

Second - this next bit will be quite personal. I started writing this story about 4 years ago, late in high school. If you read through the story from beginning to end now, I'm sure you can see how I've changed and grown as an individual. The reason I'm saying this is because when I first got into the KakaSaku ship, I was about 14-15 and truly believed with all my heart that a 15-year-old girl like Sakura and a 29-year-old man like Kakashi could have a healthy relationship as equals. As a 20-year-old young adult, I no longer believe this is possible. This is important because I realize that many readers on this site are young adolescents, and the content being read on this site WILL have an effect on your views about relationships - even if you don't think it will.

I don't believe such a relationship (i.e., 15 y/o girl and 29 y/o man) is healthy because there is such an opportunity for exploitation. Now don't get me wrong - I'm not saying that all older men want to exploit younger women. That is clearly not true. What I am saying is that as a teenager, an individual may not be able to recognize when exploitation is taking/has taken place, and this puts the younger individual in an unsafe position. When I was 15 years old, I was sexually harassed by a patient in a health facility that I was working at. At that time, I didn't truly realize what had gone on; the only thing I knew was that I felt very uncomfortable around this individual and that it was not a good feeling. Maybe I was extra-naive or sheltered, but the point is that the 20-year-old me now would be much better equipped to handle that situation than the 15-year-old me.

The issue here is not the age difference between the two parties - it's the romanticization of a relationship between a minor and a much older adult. Again, the 15, 16, or even 18-year-old me would disagree, but trust me when I say that a teenager is emotionally and mentally unable to relate to an adult in such a way that could allow for an emotionally-dependent and sexual relationship (i.e., a romantic relationship) to blossom in a healthy way. And when I say "adult", I do mean an individual whose mental age is congruent with his or her actual age; I realize that there are many people who, for one reason or another, do not have matching emotional and actual ages - that's life. It happens.

I just don't want any young readers to have a skewed perspective on what healthy relationships in real life look like. I apologize if I made this seem more serious than you would want, but this was something I felt very strongly about as I wrote the last 2 chapters, and I really wanted to just get this out there. But of course: DISCLAIMER - the views expressed above and throughout my story are MY OWN, and you are not obligated to respond to or agree with anything.

With that said - thanks for joining me on this crazy (long) ride! It's been a blast!