Title: 23 Reasons Why the Harry Potter Books and Movies Suck.
Author: Dalal Hecate.
Summary: 23 dot-points of why Harry Potter sucks in my opinion.
Word Count: 2, 084.
Disclaimer: I do NOT own Harry Potter, J.K. Rowling does. I do not receive payment by posting or writing the stories, it is merely for fun.
Warnings: This story DOES contain bashing of the HP series. I won't apologise in advance if this offends you as I don't give a shit. Next time, don't read something I wrote. Oh, and if you flame me, I will flame you back. Probably make you cry too... If you find this offensive... don't read my stories. Chances are you're going to be offended by something I write or believe in. This will have Harry/Ginny/Hermione/Ronald/Dumbeldore/Ministry/Magic/Snape/Binns...bashing. It will have mentions of the Unforgivable (ooohh... spooky. Psh, not) and will have swearing such as Fuck, Bloody Hell, Fucking Hell, For God's Sake ect ect...
Rating: M (Mature Audiences).
23 Reasons Why The Harry Potter Books and Movies Suck –
1) Who the fuck does Albus Percival Wulfric Brian Dumbledore think he is? The second coming of bloody Merlin? Why; better yet how; was Dumbledore, who is merely a simple Headmaster (he couldn't use his titles as Chief Warlock and/or Mugwump...whatever... as the Ministry would want control of Harry), how could he just leave a 1 ½ year old baby to freeze to death on a cold autumns night in a hay basket wrapped only in a thin blanket on his aunts doorstep with only a some stupid little piece of paper to explain that your sister and brother-in-law were killed only hours before by a homicidal maniac with daddy issues and now, because said sister and brother-in-law are dead, you have to look after your famous magical nephew with no warning or financial support! Oh, you can also do whatever the fuck you want with him! Just keep him alive until the Wizarding World can off him themselves. See you in 10 years!
2) Also, after 10 years of being abused, you'd think Harry would be less of a pussy! If I was abused for 10 years by the people I thought of as family, I would probably be some pessimistic, sadistic, sarcastic and cynic little bitch who hated the world, people and everything around me. I would probably kill my relatives and then lie to the police, saying that some psycho just ran into the house, killed my relatives and that the only reason why I'm alive is because my cousin locked my in the closet under the stairs! NOTE: If you are abused, and are looking for advice on what to do and stumbled across my story, please don't take what I would do into account! Everyone is different. Plus, I don't want to be sued and put in juvy! It would only be a short time before my bluntness and sarcasm got me in trouble.
3) Also, what kind of friend (Hermione) constantly badgers and bothers you, bosses you around and constantly puts you down just because your number one hobby and obsession isn't reading a thousand books a day? Also, don't even get me started on Ron! What kind of best friend abandons you when the going gets tough? What kind of friend would be jealous of you, your fame, power and money? What type of friend would abandon you in a life or death situation? Sure as fuck not a good one!
4) Also, Harry has maybe... what, not even 5 scenes with himself and Ginny by themselves? In the HP series, there is absolutely no build-up in their so-called 'relationship' and then BANG! However many years later, their suddenly married and have three children! I mean come on! Where is the story? The build-up? The last chapter of The Deathly Hallows totally ruined the whole series for me! Now, I can't even see or hear the name Ginny or Ginerva without getting angry and wanting to kill the bitch (Ginerva). Because of Rowling not writing a build-up of their relationship, when I read Fanfiction, I can't even stand Harry being in a relationship with a woman. It revolts me because all I can think of is 'Ginny Ginny Ginny'. So now, all I can read is slash/yaoi. Also, Ginny has a seriously creepy stalker-ish hero-worship for Harry just from listening to bedtime stories about Harry. Just because Harry saved Ginny, she now thinks of herself as some sort of damsel in distress in her dreams.
5) Also, howcliché are the names 'Albus Severus', 'James Sirius' and 'Lily Luna'? I mean, come on! Really? I almost hurled when I read that. Sooo pathetic, predictable and cliché. I know that they named their children that purely for sentimental value, but come on! If my parents or siblings died, I would never name my children after them and I think most people would agree with me. It's like trying to turn your children into your dead relatives... creepy. Also if I were named 'Albus Severus', 'James Sirius' or 'Lily Luna' I would be fucking pissed because when people look at me, they would immediately think of me as the original Albus, Lily and James and shit; I would never be seen as myself nor would I want to be viewed as the reincarnation of some crazy old codger or a half blind middle-aged man like James...!
6) Also, in the first book, all of the 'obstacles' to get to the Philosopher's Stone were fashioned after the three main characters strengths i.e. Chess = Ron, Logic Problems = Hermione and Flying Key's = Harry, and they're 11 year olds! I thought they were trying to keep fucking Voldemort out! Not some inexperienced little brats who can't keep their noses out of other people's business!
7) Also, what kind of good person tells an 11 year old child that if you get sorted into Slytherin that automatically makes you 'evil' and a 'dark wizard'? Certainly not a good one...
8) Also, the movies cut out way too much of the books! I was so disappointed when I watched the movies.
9) Also, in the second and sixth movie, they should have made the teenager playing Tom Marvolo Riddle sexy! He was a half-blood and placed into Slytherin house for God's sake! He has to have something going for him besides power! What is power without charisma, discipline and ambition? Nothing! In the books, it was clearly stated that Tom Riddle was a handsome, ambitious, manipulative and charismatic boy! I didn't see an ounce of that in the movies, second or sixth!
10) Also, if it weren't for all the help he receives from other people, Harry would have been dead long ago! I.e. If Fawkes hadn't blinded the basilisk; Harry would have been snake food! At the Ministry, Harry and co would be dead if it weren't for the members of The Order of the Phoenix...
11) And the fights! They are sooo fake and boring! Both in the movies and books. In the movies, all you see is flashing lights flying off course with loud 'ding ding' and 'whoosh' sounds. It's like a bloody lightsaber fight, not a magical duel. And in first year, Harry killed Quirrell by touching his face. And how much of a pussy and weakling are you if you can't even perform the Cruciates Curse on some insane bitch who just killed your 'beloved' godfather?
12) Also, Rowling's writing style is so... childish! Sure, I like the HP series, but it's so... unimaginative! Werewolves, unicorns and flying brooms already exist! And magical old boots which take you to places? No... It's just... no. And there are so many characters! It gets so fucking confusing to remember who this and that person is, what they look like, what they've done, how their relevant to the story, what their personality is, who they are and what they mean to the main characters, what their part in the plot is going to be, what house they're in, who they know...
13) Also, how could an intelligent, bossy and domineering person such as Hermione get married to an idiotic, lazy, foolish, close-minded slob like Ronald, a person with whom she constantly argues and fights with? A person with whom she has nothing in common with, a person who doesn't, and won't ever be able to understand her properly?
14) And I hate how Harry automatically considers Sirius as his family after only briefly seeing him like what...twice?
15) And Remus is so fucking pathetic! Why won't you accept who you are? Not all werewolves are flesh eating/children biting monsters! Control yourself! And for fucks sake, get a job! If not in the Wizarding World, then in the Muggle World! And when the full moon is coming, just say to your boss that you need time off monthly for religious reasons!
16) And Voldemort... For someone so powerful and terrorising, he sure dies a short, pathetic death with absolutely no build up or suspense. Boring.
17) Any why does Harry always have to come so close to dying at the end of every single book? For fucks sake, either drop dead or don't go charging into situations you don't understand or can't handle!
18) And how can Harry be such a Gryffindore when the Sorting Hat was so adamant about placing him in Slytherin? He would have to either be cautious, ambitious, manipulative or self-preserving to be a Slytherin and he has none of those qualities! In the books, he is a reckless, idiotic, naive, weak, ordinary person who gets lucky constantly. It is his foolishness (which is foolishly mistaken for bravery) that gets him into the situations he gets into, the situations that kill everyone he knows!
19) And the Ministry. Don't even get me bloody started! Its employers/employees are corrupt, selfish, greedy little spastics that are run by fools. All they care about is money and reputation! The wizarding population are sheep and the Ministry Heads are the shepherd's. Then there are the farmers: Voldemort and Dumbledore!
20) And how could the 'magical' 'mystical' Dumbledore, a man so great, so powerful and skilled in Occulamency and Legilimency not be able to tell that Voldemort was sticking out of the back of one of his employees head? I mean really! In the books, Rowling makes it seem like the whole HP series was staged on Dumbledore's attempts to test the 'Saviour' to see if he were ready to face Voldemort! And Dumbledore is just fucking weird! What kind of idiot would trust someone as freaky as Dumbledore to care for your children year-round? If everyone thought the old coot had a few screws loose, which they did, why let the barmy colour-blind idiot near your children? I sure as fuck wouldn't... Honestly, wizarding parents suck at parenting!
21) And all the wizards are weak. They are so damned dependant on MAGIC. If they had to fight a black-belt martial artist I bet in 5 moves the wizard/witch would be DEAD. They rely on bloody CROOKED STICKS. Seriously, if their wand is snapped then that witch/wizard is more useless than a muggle! Unless that person is Dumbledore or Voldemort.
22) Also, I DEPSPISE the prejudice between 'Light' and 'Dark' Magic! Magic is magic! The three 'Unforgivables' are said to be the worst spells invented in the history of wizards. Yet, you could use the Imperius Curse to stop a three year old child from falling into a bubbling cauldron filled with deadly potion, the Killing Curse to put someone out of their misery and the Cruciates Curse to wake up someone from a coma by shocking the nerves! There are way worse spells out there. And the so-called 'Light' spells could easily be used to kill or torture someone. For example, a Tripping Jinx on the edge of a cliff could be used to kill and the Tickling Hex could be used to torture someone before they died of suffocation!
23) And Hogwarts is declared a great school in Scotland. Honestly, from what I've read, half the teachers are either incompetent or dead. Binns is a ghost with outdated knowledge. Snape is an arrogant prick stuck in the past. And Quirrell? Dead.
Anyways, I assume you found this one-shot rather humorous, because if you hadn't, you wouldn't have gotten this far in the story. If not...WELL FUCK YOU! Well, if you weren't HP fans or were HP fans who didn't mind me taking the piss out of the series you would have enjoyed it. But if your hardcore, brainwashed and obsessive fans I'd simply love to see you try and flame me. I WILL destroy you. Probably make you cry too... But, I do accept and welcome constructive criticism.