Title: The Makaiju Writes
Word Count: 1,871

Unlike (all) my other works to date, this wasn't written for a Sailor Moon Land challenge (but it was written because of an old one). Kiwigrl89 suggested I do one of these for every villain, and I'd been thinking about doing just that. So this one's for Kiwigrl89. (PS Join Sailor Moon Land on Livejournal. No, I am not shamelessly pimping that awesome community.)

Enjoy the Makaiju's point of view on events in the first half of season 2. (Also, it's entirely possible this story should be called The Spectacular Tree of Happiness and Love and All Things Beautiful and Shiny, Stuffed with Smiles and Hearts and Rainbows Writes. But it wouldn't fit.)


Cosmic Date 296.90c
In short: life sucks.

I've lost my planet. I've lost my ability to talk to my people. On that note, I've lost most of my people, except for these two babies named Ail and An, and if that's not the lamest pun in the universe, I seriously don't know what is. Who names people? I mean, look at me. Makaiju. Do you know what that means? Evil Demon World Tree. Or something. I don't know exactly, but that's the gist of it.

I mean, I don't even sound pleasant. I could be the nicest tree in the universe (I am, seriously, but no one remembers that), and with a name like Evil Demon World Tree from Hell, everyone's going to try to kill me. If I was the Fluffy Life Tree from the Shiny Realm of Heaven, everyone would like me.

God.


Cosmic Date 341.94a
Found this tiny planet in the middle of nowhere. The natives, like all natives, call it Earth. Real surprising. I wish people would come up with creative names.

So Ail, An, and I crashed on it and moved into an apartment. I'm 90% certain they've decided to start stealing energy from people in order to feed me. Idiots. See, this is what I was talking about: if you're going to give your deity an evil name (Demonic Monster Tree from the Depths of the Abyss) and start attacking people, someone's eventually going to notice.

I give it a day or two.


Cosmic Date 342.95d
Seventy-two Earth hours later, bam. I am so good.

Ail and An are using Cardians (one for two) to drain energy from the people of Earth. I think we need to have a discussion about subtlety.

[…]

Oh, wait. I can't talk.

If I had a face, it would be an angry, angry face.

So this hero fighting Ail and An is named Sailor Moon (two for two, and I think I need to talk to her agent about a possible name change), and she prances around in a tiny skirt and heels, like something straight out of a pedophile's wet dream. I'm not judging, just observing. Different strokes for different folks.

In other news, I just found out Ail and An are posing as high school students. Their names? Seijuuro and Natsumi. Okay. I know I beat the "THIS IS A BAD NAME WHY ARE YOU USING IT?" drum a lot, but really, Ail? Natusmi is okay. It's pretty common from what I understand. But "Tenth Son of the Stars?" Really? Next thing you know, people will be running around calling themselves Moon Unit and Ziggy Stardust.

Wait, I spoke too soon. They already do. God, I thought Japan adhered to naming strict naming conventions. Way to stand out, guys. Way to stand out.


Cosmic Date 342.98b
So there're five girls running around in short skirts now, and some dude who looks like he came out of an Arabian fantasy land. It's my sincere hope that one of them manages to bust Ail and An's heads hard enough on the wall that they get it: I don't want people-energy.

Also, I'm looking into a way to have my name changed from Black Demon Hell Tree of the Vile, Cursed Land to something more PR-friendly. I'm thinking Happy Huggy Tree. Or is that too creepy?


Cosmic Date 345.15g
Discovered an American show called Star Trek.

Am hooked.

Can't write too much (which begs the question: if I'm a tree, how the hell do I write this?), there's a forum war over who is a better captain, Kirk or Picard.

Anyone who argues against me gets their energy drained.


Stardate 48955.6
Captain's log: Entry 6.
It's been a long and bitter day. This morning, I attempted to communicate with Ail and An. At first, I tried to tell them that stealing humans' energy isn't cool. This didn't go so well. I flailed my fronds a bit and attempted to at least tell them I'm sick and tired of being the Black Soul Tree from Purgatory that Kills with a Killing Fury. Either they ignored me, or I still can't talk.

I'd put money on the latter.

Apparently Sailor Moon leveled up today (how does Super Sparkly Overkill Princess Frills Moon sound to you?). She now kicks even more ass. Personally, I'm pulling for her. I've found articles about her online. Supposedly, she does miracles. Or something.

Maybe she can get me to talk again.


Stardate 48961.3
Captain's log: Entry 7.
Babies? Seriously, babies?

I don't think stupider ideas have been had. Who attacks babies and thinks they'll get away with it? Humans are just the same as any animal when you attack their young: they go batshit and will end you.

Have Ail and An even seen this crazy YouTube video? This kid's dad lifts a damn car off him.

Why am I surrounded by idiots?

Oh, right, all the smart ones died and I had to raise two babies, mute.

I wonder if there's a Japanese version of Blue's Clues.


Stardate 48964.6
Captain's log: Entry 10.
For the record, I am refusing to associate with Ail and An ever again. I have no idea what's going on any more, but I've decided to put a middle finger (or vine, as it were) in their faces and stop accepting their goddamn people energy.

Do you think they'll notice?


Stardate 48964.7
Captain's log: Entry 11.
Teehee. They noticed.


Stardate 48965.2
Captain's log: Entry 13.
Ail pulled the idiot card today. Amanju is pretty much ignoring him and making him chase her all over the city. I'm lolling my damn leaves off.

Oh, wait, no, sorry, I'm just dying. Hunger strikes suck, just so you know.


Stardate 48968.5
Captain's log: Entry 14.
Today, the genius brigade wonder twins finally realized they're screwed if I die. I'm surprised it took them this long. I mean, really. Whatever, hunger strike for real food. Also, for a name change.

I'm thinking I like Bella, but I'm not sure. It sounds too… something. I feel like if I'm a Bella, I have to run around going "OH NOES I'M GOING TO STUB MY TOE AND THEN VOMIT A FOUNTAIN OF BLOOD" but that could just be me.

The other option is the Splendid Tree of Splendiferous Light and Holy Loving Magical Goodness that Gives Free Hugs Every Day that Ends in Y. …shit, wait, this is Japan. Days don't end in Y. Okay, we'll amend that to Every Day that Ends in Bi. Ha, I win. Everyone will love me.

…speaking of love. I kind of want some. It's seriously lonely in this black hole of an apartment. And on that note: How the hell do I even fit in this building? Am I in an extra-dimensional pocket? Did we crush like 15 other floors full of people? Are Ail and An really the monsters I think they are?

Oh, God, it's like the Ring. I watched the video tape! I'm going to die in 24 hours!

…I hope that's the right movie.

Whatever. If I'm going to die, I'm going to spend the rest of today looking up Picard memes on YTMND.


Stardate 48970.08
Captain's log: Entry 17.
They're pumping me full of human-juice again. I am stubbornly refusing to ingest it and getting more naked by the minute. I foil you with my foliage of rage!

Foiled again! And again! Wait, shit, I liked that leaf. Come back, friend leaf! Guess I'm in it for the long haul. No turning back.

And, oh, look at this, some random human girl is here. …wait, hey, I know this girl. Dude, this is Sailor Moon. Sailor God Damn Moon (you know, I think that's a good name; I might be on to something with that one) is in the apartment. I don't think they know it, which is hilarious, because I mean, seriously, have you looked at her hair?

Must. Resist. Urge. To consume. Human-juice.

Oh, the hell with it. Do you know how much pure lovey goodness is bottled up inside this girl? This is like. This is my favorite.

[…]

Om nom nom, I can't resist, this is just delicious.

Damn she got free.

But that's okay. Hoshit, man, the lovey sparkly goodness is flowing through me. I can feel it. Wait for it… wait for it… BAM. Sprout. Who's a bamf Makaiju? Oh, ME. That's right.


Captain's log: Entry 18.
Are you shitting me? Hello, the human-juice is killing me. Seriously, this isn't just the hunger strike, anymore, okay? I went on a hunger strike because that shit has some seriously bad mojo. And what do you do? You dump it on the seedling.

God, how do people as stupid as you even live?

HOW DO YOU EVEN LIVE?

…well, look at that. I think I just made a fr srs noise. Rock on. NOTICE ME.


Captain's log: Entry 19.
Oh, fml. The Happy Happy Fun Time Love Tree makes noise, and they're like "Lalalala, we're going to go do people things."


Stardate 48973.8
Captain's log: Entry 21.
An just shoved Sailor Moon at one of the Cardians floating around. And for serious, I really wish they'd stop doing this. I mean, okay, Sailor Moon. She's delicious. I won't lie. Lots of good energy all bottled up in there. But it's not the people-juice that matters, okay?

This is my rage.

I am going to rip this goddamn building apart.


Captain's log: Entry 22.
Hells yes! FINALLY.

Sailor Moon cleansed me today. I am now officially the Tree (sprout, but who's counting) of Light, which is a totally boss name, much better than Bella. I hear Bella and I think sparklepires. What is that? I don't even.

So Sailor Moon did this fancy dance with a stick – not going to lie, that was pretty awesome. I want to do a fancy dance with a stick – after An pretty much beat the crap out of her. A normal person would have been dead in five seconds. Sailor Moon was like "Bitch, please." And then An was like "You can't touch this shit, Sailor Moon." And Sailor Moon was all "Why you up in my grill, ho?" An goes "Step off, slutbag." An's great with name-calling. She makes it an art. But, the fight. It was great. In my mind, I'm doing a fancy, twirly stick dance.

Anyway, Ail, An, and I are now off to space to find a clean, happy home. I think we've all learned a valuable lesson here, today, and that is twofold.

One: When your magical tree of magical energy-bequeathing goodness wants to talk to you? GODDAMN LISTEN TO IT.

Two: If for some reason your magical tree of magical energy-bequeathing goodness is incapable of speech? HUMAN ENERGY-JUICE =/= THE CORRECT METHOD OF FIXING IT.

Wait, no, hold on. This isn't the last entry. Wait for it… wait for it…


Captain's log: Entry 23
Space. The final frontier. These are the voyages of the Space Tree Giggles McHappy Love You Long Time and her crew. Her continuing mission: to explore strange new worlds, to seek out new life and new civilizations, to boldly go where no tree has gone before.